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Author Topic: Do I invite the ex to my party?  (Read 574 times)
flourdust
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Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
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« on: July 31, 2017, 02:17:14 PM »

I could use some input into this dilemma.

I'm hitting a major milestone birthday this year, and I'm going to host a modest party for myself. I'm still in the middle of divorce from my dBPDexw. We've been separated for eighteen months, and we co-parent D11. Our communication is at best businesslike, but I often need to enforce a boundary or go LC when she goes after me verbally or in writing.

My question is ... .do I invite her to my party?

On the pro side ... .she's been a big part of my life for many years, and like it or not, she's still in it. Many of our friends are mutual friends. She might like to be there. D11 will like it if she is there.

On the con side ... .I'd estimate a 30% chance that she causes some kind of inappropriate scene or spends her time complaining about me to mutual friends. She would use up one of my guest slots (the room has a limited capacity). I might be anxious or find it unpleasant to have her around.

What would you do?
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« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2017, 03:01:46 PM »

Hi flourdust,

Here's a question for you.  Who is the party for?  Because if it is for you and you would like to enjoy it, relax, have a good time in good company and celebrate something that is an occasion of yours, I'd say the answer is quite simple.  Perhaps enjoying your own life and the occasions in it without mishap, disruption, drama etc. is just another boundary you can set, and a worthwhile one indeed I'd say.  It is absolutely fair and reasonable to spend your birthday celebration the way you wish to and be choosy about whom you spend it with.  You have after all decided not to spend every normal run of the mill day with her... .

If on the other hand you were throwing the party for example for a mutual friend whom you knew would like to have her there then I'm sure you would invite her automatically.  The situation in my opinion calls for some selfishness (although I wish there were a better word) or at least self care and self love.  What you want matters.  Give it to yourself.

I appreciate your daughter would love to have her mother there.  She also understands about the divorce I'm sure and is used to things being different to before.  Perhaps you can do something else to mark the occasion at a separate time where you are able to accommodate your daughter in this way without putting yourself out when it's a special day for you?

Love and light x   
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2017, 03:02:22 PM »

I would not invite my ex to such an event.  I'd lose zero sleep over it.
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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2017, 04:26:54 PM »

The party is for you, you are separated, no IMO you don't invite her.
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« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2017, 05:22:53 PM »

Hey flourdust!

I passed my 50th birthday a year and a half ago. I was not in process of divorce then, but the marriage was completely broken at that point. I made all my plans with the help of my sister as my wife offered to do nothing. I wanted it to be about me. Even still, she invited two of her friends who were nearly total strangers to me to the party with her typical, "I did this, you don't mind, do you?" approach. She spent most of the night with her friends, was unloving and removed from me, shared no special stories when others did and basically was a drag on an otherwise enjoyable celebration of my life. She later blamed me for having kept her out of the planning, and how did I think that would make her feel?

Your daughter is important. Maybe you can have the three of you celebrate together in a different venue to help her?

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HopefulDad
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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2017, 05:30:58 PM »

If you do invite your ex, please invite your girlfriend (or recruit one for the night).  Cook up plenty of popcorn for your guests as they'll probably be in for a memorable show.

Kidding.  Kind of.
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flourdust
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« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2017, 05:53:40 PM »

If you do invite your ex, please invite your girlfriend (or recruit one for the night).  Cook up plenty of popcorn for your guests as they'll probably be in for a memorable show.

 

OK, did not see that coming!

I am leaning toward not inviting her, for all the reasons mentioned. I posed this question of my best friend, and his advice was ... .interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it. He agreed that while she might modulate her behavior in public, she's likely to buttonhole the other guests and make offhand snide comments. He said that Miss Manners would say not to invite her ... .but he says to invite her.
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Skip
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« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2017, 06:02:56 PM »

Its a judgement call for sure. You are going to be raising the kids together so there will be family events that you share in the future - normalizing is good for your child. At the same time it often makes sense to break completely apart for the first year, let stuff cool, and then try to blend a little better overtime - rather than go from divorce to cooperative parenting.

For me, the deciding factor would actually be, "will not inviting her amp up tensions in the divorce (or vice versa). You don't want that. Good will is a good  thing.

I wouldn't worry too much about her pigeon holing people - they know you are divorcing (so it goes in one ear and out the other) and its your birthday (not a place to be bashing the guest of honor).

Hope that helps.
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Turkish
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« Reply #8 on: August 01, 2017, 12:06:37 AM »

My T, no fan of my ex (he saw her twice before she quit couple's counseling so I could be "fixed"  Smiling (click to insert in post)) said,  "there's nothing wrong with being kind."

I fantasize about being done with this woman in 14 years when D5 graduates high school.  One of my friends,  however,  11 years older than me, and with kids post-college now,  said that I'd never be done. His wife cheated.  Treated him like crap.  I was there when it went down 20 years ago. He found peace after a few years.  His comment wasn't meant to be a negative,  but rather a fact-check that this was the mother of my children, and that this would never change. I still struggle with this,  coming up on 4 years out. 

I'd also be ambivalent about this.  If I were on your shoes,  I'd ask myself,  "what's best for the kids," and "what's best for me." Concerning the latter,  do you want to invite her because you want here there,  or to avoid drama... .even if there might be drama if she attends?

If you had to boil it down,  what's your primary feeling (emotion) about inviting her?
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flourdust
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« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2017, 12:17:22 PM »

For me, the deciding factor would actually be, "will not inviting her amp up tensions in the divorce (or vice versa). You don't want that. Good will is a good thing.

Yes, that's the strategic approach -- it's crossed my mind on this and other occasions, too. I've learned that the BPD impermanence of emotions plays a big role in how my wife reacts. I don't really earn any points I can bank later by being nice, but I also don't pay a penalty in negotiation if she was recently pissed at me.

Turkish asks what my primary feeling is about inviting her. I think I have a bit of fantasizing going on that I can have a pleasant party and she can be a pleasant part of that, and everyone is happy. More realistically, I have some anxiety that this will subtract from the event, even if D11 is happier to have her there.

I think I will keep her off the guest list. Thanks, everyone.
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40days_in_desert
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2017, 09:47:19 AM »

flourdust - If your ex is anything like mine, you have no way of knowing what will happen if you are trying to keep peace or offer goodwill as Skip mentioned. You may not invite her and then she dysregulates for not inviting her. You may invite her and she cooperates better with you because "you thought about me!". Then again, if you invite her, she may perceive something at the party that you did/said/thought/might have done/why you did/why you said/might have potentially thought (you get the idea) and then turns horribly bad. Worse than if you hadn't invited her. I'm not playing the negative outlook approach but rather the fact that you have no idea how it will turn out either way. Do what's best for you and D11 and think about what is best for ex last. I understand and sympathize of what you're having to decide. My D16 had a birthday this week and her mother (ex) wanted to come over my house with the rest of our children for cake and ice cream (D16 lives with me). Although there were no incidents while everyone was there, ex was almost two hours late which altered plans that D16 and I had after. We still had a good time though after ex left but plans were changed nonetheless. I had asked D16 if she wanted to leave before her mother arrived since she was late. She didn't want to leave. Not because she wanted her mother there but because she didn't want to deal with the fallout after.
 
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« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2017, 10:57:26 AM »

I'm not playing the negative outlook approach but rather the fact that you have no idea how it will turn out either way.

This is a valid point - it could play positive, or negative, it could lesson tensions overall, or it might have no impact at all. pwBPD are impulsive, so even the best guess can be flipped on its ear in the moment.

I would still take the action that, if not impulsively overruled, has the best chance for a positive outcome or the least chance for a negative one.  For example, if there is more to be gained by the goodwill of inviting her and the downside is not so great, I'd invite. If the opposite is true, then it doesn't make sense.

You say the "good will" aspect would be negligible. So then what will create more problems, inviting her or leaving her out?

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flourdust
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« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2017, 11:50:16 AM »

What I've seen during the divorce process is that she doesn't really have any follow-through. There's no reciprocity for favors granted or being extra nice. In mediation sessions, it doesn't really matter if she was happy or furious with me the preceding week. So, I don't think that any of my choices around the birthday party will have any effect on her behavior down the road, even in the short term.
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flourdust
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2017, 11:13:37 AM »

What I've seen during the divorce process is that she doesn't really have any follow-through. ... .So, I don't think that any of my choices around the birthday party will have any effect on her behavior down the road, even in the short term.

Nailed it!

I didn't invite her. The party was great, and I enjoyed myself. D11 was a bit upset that I hadn't invited her mom, but she accepted it.

The next day, BPDw learned about the party from D11, and basically dumped all her negative feelings onto D11, who turned around and dumped them on me. As BPDw's mouthpiece, D11 ranted at me that I hated her mom, that I was stealing all her friends, and that I was bad for not telling BPDw about the party. I stayed calm and just told D11 that the party was none of BPDw's business, and she could see any friends she wanted. D11's anger blew over in an hour. Other than a snarky comment from BPDw, I didn't hear anything further from her.

Weather the storm, and these things go away.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2017, 01:25:12 PM »

Hey flourdust,

Happy milestone  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have a friend whose parents divorced with a lot of animosity. What was hard for her is that no one talked to her about the divvying up of special occasions. Her father's family, who had known her mom for decades, stopped talking about her, like she didn't ever exist. I think her pain around that was no one acknowledging the small rips and tears in our emotions when we keep adjusting, as new situations arise.

It sounds like your D11 needed some tenderness and validation around her feelings. We all learn as we go, it's hard for everyone. It never occurred to me that my son worried he would have to take his underwear to school if he had two homes.

Maybe next time there is an event, you can talk to D11 and let her express how she feels. Not let her decide, per se. But see how she feels, and let her know that you hear her. I can imagine saying to my S when he was 11, "Hey, we'll be going to this event and your dad is going to be there. Things are kinda upside down right now and my stomach is a bit jumpy. How's yours doing?"

Or, "I have a special day coming up and it's going to feel sad to celebrate without your mom. How are you feeling about it?"

I think our kids, when their feelings aren't validated by us, are more likely to pick up and run with the emotions of the disordered parent. Those BPD feelings are super raw and very forceful, and clear as day to a kid. Without a lot of calm clarity (and maybe even words to describe) their own kid feelings, they can get easily swept away by the BPD parent feelings.

I think the way you handled things with D11 was good  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I'm adding the proactive piece that took hitting the pavement a few times before I learned.  

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flourdust
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« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2017, 07:46:21 PM »

Thank you for that. It's helpful.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2017, 09:26:08 PM »

I think you decided well.  The relity turned out to be less than your worries.  Besides, I was thinking that she wouldn't have invited you to her party right?  Or you would decline since it would be a bit awkward or uncertain how it would turn out.

A lot depends on the conflict.  Some here have remarked that they have to have separate Bday parties for the kids.
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