Hi hopeful76,
My husband was diagnosed with BPD at age 34. I'd been with him for 4 years at the time. Once he was diagnosed we recognised that a psychiatrist a year before must have known it was BPD but didn't tell us but had suggested the same treatment. I got upset that we weren't told, but now understand that some clinicians believe that for some patients, it can have adverse affects (ie: use the BPD diagnosis as an excuse to self harm and other sufferer's deny it and remove themselves from a therapist who gives them the diagnosis).
However, in our case, diagnosis was met with tears of happiness and relief from both of us. He was no longer confused or upset with himself for his behaviours. Before then, he didn't understand why he was doing them and got angry at himself knowing he wasn't handling situations in a more appropriate way. Immediately, even before we could get him psychotherapy, his self harm and aggression and splitting towards me decreased.
I am pleased to report that after only a few years of psychotherapy, my husband has 100% completely recovered.
In my husbands case he was 'low functioning' (LF) (self harm type) and hospitalised often, so he was more willing to accept a diagnosis than much literature states about telling 'high functioning' BPD sufferers.
A great part of his therapy was recognising that, in his case, that both his parents were his triggers for self harm (must note parents are not the triggers in all BPD sufferers) and his mother has 'high functioning' (HF) BPD as well as NPD and his father has NPD. This helped him to not get caught up in their mind games they played with him, that for a while, were life threatening for him.
Last year, we were caught up with a very big mind game with his mother. She had spent all those years blaming me for her son's illhealth. Even though we had known for years that it was impossible for me to be responsible for his self harm 20 years before I met him.
Blame games are so common with my MIL!
Well we were a heading into court hearing that had subpoened my husbands mental health files and for 5 years, the clinicians had written down in his 'family history' that his mother had BPD. So she sort of had to find out before she was on the stand and got shocked by the news.
So we tried to tell her she has BPD. It didn't go down too well, actually the reaction was exactly what I have read in so much BPD literature, when you tell someone, with HF BPD, they point the finger straight back at you and blame you for having BPD or another mental illness. Her reaction was to call me a 'sociopath'
.
My husband and I share the same my therapist and they also said the blame back at me was to be expected and noted how I was more like an empath than sociopath (an empath is a complete opposite of a sociopath) and it is impossible for a sociopath to stick around and help to nurse their husband right through intense BPD symptoms and well into recovery whilst at the same time, know that his family were blaming me in the background and not tell anyone because I feared their reaction to the truth could trigger my husband to make another attempt on his life.
He knew that if we told her she has BPD, that she would likely cut him off again, as she has done all her life whenever he says something she doesn't like and we weren't surprised when she did. We haven't heard from her since and that was a year ago.
So I have been around two people when they were told they have BPD.
I will note here she hasn't had a diagnosis, but our clinicians (there were several from different health regions and all independent from each other) questioned both myself and my husband intensely and even cross examined us separately about her BPD behaviours because it was these behaviours that triggered my husband to self harm, so they needed to understand her to help him to stop getting upset with the games she played with him.
So in conclusion, my LF BPD husband embraced diagnosis and without diagnosis, I think he would still have BPD. But telling his HF BPD and NPD mother, was met with denial and cutting us off as well as telling other members of my husband's family lies to make them cut him off too so they could never find out the truth.
So I believe telling a BPD sufferer is down to the individual and for some, you may want not want to be cut off from them leaving you unable to assist them at all.
"Luckily", my husbands psychiatrist always tells him "You have your wife's family" and he does.
