Pretty sure it is over. Marriage. Father to my unborn child.

[AngelBuds]

Well, I had a therapy meeting, took the evening off and slept before typing this so it's not emotionally charged.

Very long story I have been posting on here as it goes along.

Yesterday was our appt with the new birthing center!  Oh wow, I was so excited!  I found a batural birthing home and WOW!  This mommy was so very excited!  Then, I am told, H HAS to drive his father to dr appt. at 9 am.  OK, not prob.  Out appt 1 hour away is at 1.  So, I got a ride with my Pops to the city for appt to meet H there since he was still in the city.  He promised he would be a baby's 1st appt, to hear heartbeat, everything that happens at babys 1st.

At 1pm he texts "Im here!  Where r u?  We're waiting."  Ok, I am inside waiting room and who is WE?  Turns out he was waiting at my Psyche Dr appt which was at 4:30pm!  what the heck dude.  So, he drives over to where we are, runs in "I ony got 15 minutes!" I raise my hand, I am done with this drama and neglect, and say since we are in public with witnesses "Nope, I am not doing this here I will talk to you later."  He rushes out, leave me to never return to the rest of baby appt and nvr showed for psyche appt.

Why you ask?  I was asking too.  Well, turns out he doesnt remember what he did all afternoon with his parents in car, then to ditch us at baby center, he had to drive the hour back home so his Father could get his medication they forgot at home.  Why couldnt his Mom do all this driving all over, all day long?  Why couldnt his brother do all the driving that day?  Good question!  Both are healthy with DLs and insurance, so that wasnt it.  Why?  Why is the question.  Why. 

So he missed our babys 1st heartbeat, the tour of birthing center, the discussion with midwife, all the info they presented, missed meeting important ppl who will be with us (well, me I guess) throughout pregnancy.  For what?  He doesnt know, but he sure tried to play the "Oh poor me!  Oh me me me!"  poor you what?  WOW!  Oh yes, the make believe drama he loves so much.  Where he is always the only one who tries in life, when he doesn't even show up to school for a day!  I mean, wow.  Always the victim when he is clearly spoiled.  Who ditches their wife and baby, to dive around?  When I asked why, if he needed to play cabbie all day long, why he couldn't just stay at birthing center with us, and let his Mom take over the driving?  He replied "Its hurts to much to keep driving all around."  Um, hello, is there anybody in there?  I asked why you didnt stop the driving that was hurting you and stay with your wife and unborn child.  That turned into "Poor me!  Wow!  Wow, memeememememe, all I do is everything and no one helps memememememememememe."  He choose to dicth me at birthing center.  He chose to be the opposite of the man I married.

Yes, I am saying he is choosing because when I spoke to my therapist, she told me to stop referring to me as BPD symptoms, or shows BPD symptoms, as I am not a therapist so referring to anyone as such is never going to work out.  I explained reading up on BPD helps me try to have compassionf or him and understand.  She replied, but I have No Idea if it's BPD so why am I treating him as such.  Good point.  I am no therapist, just a women in pure hell.  Pure freakn hell.  And, this is from someone who KNOWS what hell on Earth is.  I lived it.  I thought it was over when I met my H.  Nope. 

Turns out, 5 years after intense relationship, he decided to be opposite of man I married.  I was on my way out the door, but being supportive of him and trying to save this marriage, when his work injury prevented him from returning to work, ever (it turns out they have fired him now for no show after 11 weeks) and we were told I am pregnant.  Same week.  Now, the whole Divorce thought, is more complicated.  I dont believe in Divorce and I believe even less in being abused, esp bringing a child into his new found abusive spirit of his.  I also dont want to wait til our baby is here to make huge changes.  No one deserves this.  ESP not an unborn child.  No!  I refuse. 

My Angel is me hell on Earth now.  My therapist told me to not assume why he choose to leave me at birth center.  I said OK, I will try to relax and not think too hard on what to do next.  I did so.  And I hugged him when I got home, asked how his Father was and everything was fine, with him and for them all.  By the way, him AND his parents left me a birth center---they ALL choose to leave pregnant girl alone, to listen to heartbeat alone, they all betrayed me.  So, then I asked, what did you do all after noon since his appt was 1 9am.  He said he didnt know.  I asked why he left and ditch his child's 1st heartbeat meeting, missed the tour, missed meeting all the wonderful ppl who will be with me (I would say us, but thats over.) Any answers?  Nope.  Just that he wanted to play cab driver for them, and he choose to ditch us.  Ofcourse, he got a pissey, texted some threats to me before no texting anymore for the night.  Oh then he tried to play on his injury "it hurt too much to keep driving everywhere."  I understand, but the question was, why didnt your Mom take over driving while you stayed with us at birth center and my Pops would drive us since he was still in the city.  Nope.  Just memememememememememememememe, and then another me.  Oh and tons of poor me, no sorry, no 'I will start trying to act like a human again', nope.  Everyone should feel so bad for him, he not apoligetic.  How can I forgive a soul so engulfed into himself and so lost in his own made up world, who does not seek forgiveness. 

The man I married was wonderful.  11 months ago, he choose to close the door on a real man, and brought in a biggest toddler in his place.  Sorry, but children do not turn me on so his selffishness, his lies, his manipulation, his betrayals, his mememememe, poor me, and I want, gimmie gimmie gimmie, then rages out on me for nothing, ya, sick of the toddler routine.  I married an adult.  No, no, I guess I TRIED to marry an adult.  And yes, this is coming from someone who knows all about every kind of abuse, as I was raised in it.  So, it has nothing to do with I cant understand, it's everything to do with, he chooses to be who he is choosing to be.  Abusive, neglectful, insane.  Again, I was advised to stop saying BPD and let the professional diagnose.  So, I am.  I say what I see.  No more excuses or made up diagnosis, which I should not be doing anyways, I was just trying to understand... .but I get it, why treat someone like they have BPD when it could be something totally different.  Not fair to him, and not fair to our family.  So, abusive, neglectful and insane is a good descriptive start without labels I am not trained to give. 

I am not waiting 20 years to make a decision for a Divorce.  It KILLS me to even think of it, but it will destroy me and my baby if I choose to stay with this stranger.  Danger stranger.  Stranger danger.  Yes, exactly.  I am not waiting until my child is grown and thoroughly traumatized by the Father until I decide to Divorce.  I refuse to keep being abused and thrown into PTSD because the abuse is too intense and I flash back to abuses I have not ever spoken of, but I thought were dealt with and healing.  Nope, he destroyed that, he has destroyed everything close to good now.  When we fought tooth and nail to be together, survive and thrive together, he chooses emotionally killing off our family, then playing victim, upapoligetic, lifesucking, victim. 

I am crying so hard inside, but trying to remain composed for my baby.  I am crushed inside, hoping my baby does not feel the pressures.  I have searched so long for help, offered him everything I can, even free help, and he refuses.  He also refuses to stop being abusive stating it's all me.  I guess cus it is me abusing me?  Wait, how can that be, when it's clearly his face and body abusing us?  In his head, that makes sense that it is all me.  Somehow, I am able to be him, and abuse us, then return to my body, I am guessing, and then it is poor him.  Well, if insanity came with a roadmap... .So, I am in therapy, I am working on healing.  I am doing ALL the work on addressing mental issues, pregnancy issues, seeking aide since we are incomless, seeking any help as we have nothing, keeping me sane and eating healthy, everything---so humiliating being incomeless PLUS pregnant by a Husband who has choosen to be abusive starting 11 months ago.  So embarrassed and I never get embarrassed, so sad, heartbroken and very angry at this point.  So he can take his poor me BS and shove it into whatever insane hole he has left.  He, he is hanging out in poor me land and doing nothing but destroy us.  So, destroy, then play poor me card.  Insanity.

I locked him out last nite after he stated he was leaving.  I am reaching out here to just get some sounding advice or thoughts, hell, even a cyber handshake would help me.  My therapist told me not to react until I know more of why he ditched us, fair enough.  But when he said he didnt know why he ditched us, then tried to play his injury card, then tried to play the poor me card, then he tried to play his sick Father BS card, then tried the poor me card a few more times, ya, I call BS.  His sick Father had 2 other drivers for yesterday, all day they were available, hell, ONE was with them all day!  Wow.  I married a survivor, lover, best human ever... .and 11 months ago, this (emotional) murderer showed up and H is allowing that to stay.  Who could stay married to that?  Who enjoys to be terrorized, with insanity, and thrown into PTSD? 

I mean, if his madness made sense I could change something I did wrong, or help him feel better about it, but no, he rages out on me for hours at a time, for what?  One time it was the car charger was not charging fast enough, other times he has flipped out raging out on me because I did not fill out HIS paperwork for HIS meeting.  This has happened 2wice now. Just a couple examples, I have 11 months worth of examples.   Just... .INSANE.

[donkey2016]

Hi AngelBuds,
I hope that things have cooled down a bit. Yes, with a BPD person anything can trigger a rage - it's difficult to know why - and you can't expect them to keep appointments. Take care of yourself and your baby. I hope you can find some support around you. It's not easy to be alone with a baby but with help you can do it.
Donkey2016

[AngelBuds]

Thanks Donkey2016.     I am filing for Divorce.  No way is my child going to be exposed and tortured with this.  My decision comes from a year now of this abuse.  Which, I could work through, IF he even tried to get help or even address this.  BUt he says he will not.  I say I will not live in abuse.  Therefore, Divorce.  I have been reading a ton, despite my therapist, he is classic BPD (what other disorders mimic BPD?) and from the horses mouth (BPDs in recovery, the abusers themselves) a mental condition/disorder this serious does not resolve itself; it gets worse without any assistance, self-help, or medications. 

BPD sufferers wrote and professionals agree: forgiving, making excuses, hoping one will change, or trying to change them or control them, giving them more and more, all of that much love and affection stuff-only encourages their abusive behavior.  Ignoring it encourages it.  Hell, everything encourages it, no one knows, just know that helping them never helps.  The only thing anyone agrees on is: leaving a BPD (or sick person) is the only way to reclaim your life.  Funny, cus in my world, love and affections heal me, make me a better person, I want to try harder, make love stronger.  Sick people stay 'in their sick'.  So, if I want to live, I have to leave. 

He refuses any and all effort towards recovery.  Doesnt even believe he is abusive (What the heck!  That right there is enough to file for Divorce, all I hear there is "It's not abuse, if I say it's not abuse."  He is so wildly removed from anything that resembles who I married, I honestly have no feelings for this stranger.  My feelings are: I want him out, safe and seeking help.  I am not sacrificing myself anymore---and never sacrificing my child. 

He is living outside somewhere on this property, maybe ina house, or car, I dont care.  I lock my door.  I have to figure out money---and baby---and me!  I am already set on Divorce and moving to The Netherlands.  Both our fathers are ill with heart conditions now, but staying near them with his 'disorder' and my struggling to have a baby and get away from him, is more stress than anyone needs.  I dont live with any of them, just near them.  Since H let my registration go unpaid (thank you, whoever you are) I have to ask my poor Pops for rides to the city-an hour away.  He doesnt need that stress of seeing his daughter trying to fight to put a smile on her face.  I am a horrible liar, but I will try to smile through my pain to protect others.  But, if you can sense energies, you know, I am broken-hearted and protecting my life from him. 

But, money is stopping any and all moving forward.  Money is really a huge thorn in my side right now especially since I am a homesteader so I don't live in a city with a 9-5.  I gotta sell a ton of eggs or a ton of Kombucha (!)  The only job out here H got fired from.  Now, if I could refocus all my energies into a inet business and be successful-soon-I could start my new life after the Divorce.  I have always stayed in USA and in San Diego just for others.  Always, others.  I am done with others, I need to start my new life, and Netherlands is calling me   Seriously, it's magnetic.  I am done sacrificing myself for blood family who have only recently tried to be a human being towards me (big step for chronically abusive people) I have never felt at home anywhere in the USA, so, I got my sights set over-seas.

[Tattered Heart]

.  Money is really a huge thorn in my side right now especially since I am a homesteader so I don't live in a city with a 9-5.  I gotta sell a ton of eggs or a ton of Kombucha (!) 

Mmmm... .Kombucha. I make it too. Can you sell the SCOBYs too? You could possibly sell them on ETSY for like $10-$15 each. Since you get a new one with each jar of booch, you can quickly double or triple you SCOBY output. Not sure what the market for SCOBYs is like or even the legality of selling Kombucha without proper licensing, but as a farmsteader, there are many products at your fingertips that you could sell.

Eggs are a hard sell at times and the $ may not be worth it, but you can hatch those eggs and sell chicks for $5-$20 depending on breed. A lot of people are buying chicks now so they will start laying in the spring. It only takes 21 days.

[AngelBuds]

Hi TatteredHeart, thanks.  I have been homesteading for 5 years.  So, I have done all the selling of farm goods, home made goods, selling animal babies, eggs, everything---there is not much money in it, at all, esp in this poo'dunk town.  When you deal with shipping, that introduces all kinds of issues.  With the K'b'cha, I have a Scoby Hotel and want to sell the Mothers ofcourse, but my SCOBYs are all natural.  The ones I bought online were 'clean' looking so I am wondering---how did they 'clean' their SCOBYs? 

With that being said, although I do not have a good selling record (yet) doesn't mean I wont keep on trying   Everyone I know is a consumer (sadly) so all I hear is 'give up, go back to the rat race, it'll never work' and I say NO WAY!  I will take my seeds with me to the grave!  Then plant them and start a new homestead there ()  I will also make my own soaps in my grave too.

I know there is tons to sell from a working homestead.  You have to have buyers though.  I do not have licenses which means I cannot participate in Farmers Markets (which actually sound better than what they actually are in terms of money) or CSAs.  I can sell online (hoping to not step on laws), local, or keep bartering (again, you need people to barter with, to barter).  Thats what is so frustrating: everyone writes about and thinks because you're a homesteader you have tons of customers lining up for all your goodies.  Before I became a homesteader, THAT is exactly what I read everywhere.  I have tons to sell, yes!  Lovely, healthy, fresh and all kinds of goodies, plus farm supplies to sell, and materials, yes, even lambs, chickens, pigs, goats, oh my! !  But seriously, everyone in this county wants it for free or deeply discounted.  Every soul in this community (so rural, we're not even a town in the county) LOVES loves loves what we do... .and absolutely expects it all given to them for free.  And when it is not, then they get butthurt and well, ya, business is not booming. 

I have to consider something, that is too funny since I want to move the The Netherlands: The Dutch are very creative, ingenius, resourceful people but they lack selling skills.  Therefore, they leave that to the Americans to market.  So, apparently, I am Dutch :-)  I got the goods, but missing aggressive marketing because well, I am not an aggressive seller.  I do not like to pressure people and I treat others as I want to be treated. 

I want to keep trying to make money online or with this homesteading, yes.  I really could use a fresh pair of eyes I am sure... .bouncing ideas off myself all day everyday is great-until I look at my bank account.  Arg, money---part of homesteading is not depending on money, be self-sufficient, that was part of the point of starting this. Sadly, to move out of country, they do not take eggs in exchange.  Maybe I just need a fresh start?  I do believe homesteading can be an income stream, eventually; but for now, I need money now to: pay for Divorce, move, raise my family.  Just need initial cash, then I plan on living off the grid.  That was the plan here too, but, he's unreliable to all hell. 

H said he was going to start a fundraiser for me, for us.  I know you can not start fundraisers for yourself, but no one in my life would ever put an effort into that (easy online) fundraising.  But, I am thinking about it... .just because I dont have anyone who loves me (H doesnt count, he is not present), doesnt mean I can't start my own fundraiser... .right?  Maybe... .sigh.

[Radcliff]

Hello AngelBuds, it sounds like you've got some tough decisions ahead.  I've not been posting much lately, so I wanted to drop in and wish you and the baby the best.  Keep us posted.

Wentworth

[AngelBuds]

Hey BB, glad you are still around 

Things really cannot get much worse.  Actually the greatest thing ever is Monday after he was done blaming me for the day, as usual, his melting down and going into psychosis and word salads, he left.  PHEW!  I didnt have to ask him to or leave myself from this tiny home.  300 SF only gets smaller when his rage is larger than the USA.  After he left, I locked the inside door to which no one has a key.  Well, so it means when ever I leave he can come in.  And altho I suggested he go move with his parents again (that should have been a red flag, he's never lived away from his abusive family, except once, for 6 months, and well, the rest of the siblings left except him and his brother.) he replied he will move away before moving back with them.  So, no clue or care where he sleeps.

After I explained that appt was "so beyond obviously important" (baby heartbeat much) he STILL texted me hateful things, that I stopped replying to.  He tried to abuse me into apoligizing for what?  I dunno.  He tried to well, anyways, he's so far gone.  I have no choice but a Divorce.  Either stay in the abuse as he said he will not seek help because there is nothing wrong with him or how he acts, or get a Divorce.  He murdered our marriage. 

It's real fun now that all his house of lies is crumbling which just hurts me more.  Since Dec 2013 we agreed to put away 300 bucks a month to simulate us paying a mortgage on a property (under 100K).  I explained if we can do that each month until we purchase land, it shows we can handle a mortgage.  I did the math and he said he would save in his bank.  I asked him to put it in my bank so the money is saved and never seen in his bank, so it doesnt exist.  Little mind trick I played with myself, my banking secret (before I lost everything and met him.)  He refused.  Kept all the money.  He hid all the funds from me, lied about where money is going, refused me to look over the checks and balances, and well now I learned: he didnt save 300 a month.  Now, my registration for my car is expired.  He told me this at the minute my car expired.  I have been without a car since I started having seizures in 2012.  I FINALLY jumped through all the Drs hoops and DMV hoops to get it back (plus the 3 years I had to be seizure free before they look at me) ---and just in time, my registration runs out so I STILL have no car.  I have my DL, insurance, and my car is 'non-op' now.  So, effectively KEEPING me immobile. 

I thought he was being protective when he said he would take care of everything while I was so beyond ill.  I allowed him to hold my wallet (I was too weak to swipe anything, anyways) and he took over any and all finances.  See, I was falling over in stores trying to shop for our food---literally---so it only made sense, then.  And oh, try being 32 yrs old and riding a handicap cart in store.  People   

I am trying so hard to focus on other things, but this has so deeply affected me, I am fighting for my life here.  I am trying to save my freakn life here, but this time it is not my body or mind deceiving me; it's the last person in the world I would ever suspect.  I have so much to focus on, and accomplish, but the need to figure things out is obsessive because I will never be caught off guard again.  To know how to protect myself, I have to know what kind of crazy he is bringing to the table.  Before, he would rage out on me and leave me sobbing and scared calling 911---who can't help until the knife is literally in my back.  So now  that I see I am not dealing with my Husband but some demon, I have tons of numbers, resources and got my pepper spray.  So, see, once I know what kind of fight I am in, I can protect me.  I was totally caught so far beyond off guard----this was my Angel, I had no protection before, what for?  He was my Angel... .I gotta knock that memory off and accept this is how it is today-never going back to how he was.

I told my best friend last night I am PG and M is MIA.  He has no experience at all with any type of abuse beside the usual "I liked her, but it didnt work out" disappointments.  Normal like things, like ":)arn, I didnt get that job." or "Boohoo, I really wanted that burrito AND the fries together... ." stuff.  So he had no words (poor guy, didnt need that stress) and I kept it really brief:

M has chosen to abuse me since Oct 2016.  He refuses help and abuses me more.  It really hurts when its your loved ones who become emotionally violent with you.  I am in therapy to deal with the damages he has done and to help him as well, maybe I can understand.  But, we are getting a Divorce once I figure out what is best for my baby.  Move now, or move later to the Netherlands.

He actually brought a smile to my face cus before I told him I am PG and M is GONE, we were chatting like odl days "Ya! Netherlands!  I got my VISA updated, woohoo!"  I teased him about the girls over there, we laughed about what we could do there, and for a minute, I remembered what it is like to be around someone who truely loves me for me.  And no, no funny stuff people.  Altho I have been shown most guys cannot hold a friendship without trying to get me in bed (so disappointing) he has been a friend for over a decade.  He is basically the LAST male-friend in my life.  I have no attraction to him, at all.  But so the point was, wow, to feel I had a friend again, I had forgotten since I was so ill, ppl just stop calling ya know.

Poor guy, he met my Husband, was best man at our wedding and when I said he is opposite of that man today, he was speechless.  Actually, my parents are speechless, they still tell themselves M is just stressed out, making excuses for him.  I finally told my Pops "I have been compassionate, making excuses, trying to help him, and he continues to get worse; I am not staying in this abuse any more."  But, they still act like it's normal 'lovers spat' that's fine.  Better they think I am so unreasonable to my Husband.  They always blame me for anything and everything so thats normal, and with my parents frail health, my Pops failing heart, I am remaining calm in front of them.  Its better they think I am doing this rather than to hear what I actually said: he is beyond abusive now.  It is torture.

My (ex)savior is ruining my life further and I cannot wait to be away for good from him.  I will fight for custody.  He can have supervised visits but there is NO WAY this whatever he is will be allowed around my child.  NO WAY will he continue the cycle of abuse on my kid.  Nope.  No freakin way will s/he ever experience his sickness, hateful, depraved, insanity.  Maybe he has a disorder, maybe not.  Either way, there is NO WAY a person HAS TO stay in abuse.  Ever.  ESP when the sick one refuses to address anything. 

So, the Netherlands.  I have lost everything, am actually in the hole.  And he is still clawing at my soul to what, snuff it out?  Who knows.  But these 5 days without him ever has been wonderful.  Although I have not solved any of my problems, I atleast have spoken to lawyers, researched the crap out of my situation, plus Netherlands, plus plus plus. 

He is so insane on day 2 of no contact he texted me "have you eaten?"  Well, I sure hope so since I am preggo and it had been 2 days since he saw me touch a crumb of anything.  But that is followed by "You never ask if I ate, you never say I love you and here I am, asking about you saying I love you... ."  RU f'ing mad insane?  Yes, yes he is.  It must be insane to live in his head with whatever is going on.  Before all this, I was very giving, loving, cooking meals, etc etc etc---he doesnt put 2+2 together; no connecting dots; no actions + consequences; does not understand abuse = wife keeping away; nothing.  I have texted him in black and white and said to his face exactly what and why this is happening--he hears none of it.  I don't mix words or say things I do not mean.  I may raise my voice when beyond stressed, I may say I cannot speak to you right now like this, yes... .but his confusion and lies are all his own making.  He is honed in exactly how I 'always' do bad things now that hurt him.  ALWAYS, always always.  Wow.  If I didnt know any better, I would think he is the pregnant, neglected and abused one.  Maybe I should go get my eyes checked... .

I am sure I did not help by replying to his texts this is about him and his parents ditching me a birth center, that is the last straw.  He was trying to say I am leaving him (I did not say that to him) because he doesnt have a job anymore (ehem, for the record, he's never had much of anything, I never cared, all I care(d) about is love between us... .so why would I care about his lack of anything now?)  He was texting me all kinds of lies so that was my reply.  I also texted I think it is very sick that him and his parents think it is a great idea to leave pregnant wife in city with out a ride, ditch the appt where WE were going to hear heartbeat and tour the birth center.  Sick sick people.  LUCKILY!  My Pops was still in the city and saved me---so beyond soul crushing to have to call on my Pops... .again... .because again, my Husband is... .is him. 

Well, have to ask my Pops for a ride to the city, again, today to get to my NAMI meeting.  None of us know how long we have, but my Pops was just told he has an enlarged heart now.  This is on top of his already having a heart attack in his early 60s.  He is now 76.  But M doesnt care, not anymore.  He only cares about his insanity, nothing for his Wife or my parents who have supported him for 6 years.  There is no more M.  So, Divorce is the only way when a stranger is abusing you.  I asked M to please sell some animals (I am trying too) so I can stop asking my poor Pops for rides into town.  All he has ever said to me in 6 years: I am trying. 

The only thing I miss from the city is when I lived there, I was fiercely independent.  I paid my bills, went to school and work, paid my loved ones bills, I had cars, food, nothing fancy, but just NICE.  I had me and ex set up in nice condos, no he didnt pay anything (I love to give and spoil my loved ones, always have... .until I lost anything to give), bought my 1st property when I was 24 yrs old.  I did everything by myself for everyone I love then, I loved it.  I never ask(ed) for anything, and thats how I like(d) it.  I was comfy.  It was material stuff, but what is important is my material things were: housing, food and transportation.  Again, nothing fancy, just NICE.  Since I became deathly ill, I lost everything, gained residence in the country and picked up a disease called M.  I have had to ask for rides, help to bathroom, ask ask ask.  Humiliating, but I am getting through that part, I have been dealing with that.  Oh and all those friends I helped out financially, and with anything-gone.

And, for the record, this is NOT PG hormones.  This started Oct 2016.  I am now 12 weeks PG.  The 1st month of PG was horrible, painful, and I was emotional so I hid under my blankets for a week, then Googled everything PG.  I spent my days researching and reaching out for aid.  I was alone, so the PG hormones and me hung out, alone, until week 5.  From wk 5 - wk 12 my hormones have been fine, no pains, nothing--it's the obvious insanity going on around me that is upsetting. 

Divorce the disease.  Lifesucker.

[AngelBuds]

I did mention that me being peaceful or calm or reasonable only infuriates him more, right?  So, thats why nowadays I ask him to leave or I leave and say when he is ready to talk I will be there.  For months, this speech enraged him to the point I would start shaking so bad, I would begin to yell "Leave!" and he got 'off' on that too many times.  His reactions to my shaking, breaking down in tears, screaming 'leave' was very sick, he would scream in my face "YES! Yell at me!  I love it!  YES!  Gimmie more!" 

So, Monday he left before I asked him to leave.  I didnt have to break down and start crying or reach for my pepper spray.  But I am not kidding, he is pushing me far beyond human limits.  So, Divorce is healthy for my life and preserves life.  I will not be the abused wife 20 yrs later in the marriage "I wish I would have left, I wish I would not have subjected my innocent child to him... ."  Because ya know what, I have MET those people in those marriages.  It is EXACTLY how abuse becomes a cycle within families.  Spouses put UP with abuse, excuse it, make room for it, so the whole family suffers and the cycle of abuse is continued to the next generation.  Nope, not this time.  That all ends here with me.  Never ever allowing this cycle to continue.  My child will not suffer as I have, esp not because I couldnt Divorce the Father. 

That is selffish on the spouse part: sacrificing your children.  Makes me sick.  I will not be that person.  I know abused people say they are too scared to leave, I get that, I am there, but I also refuse to allow this to continue and I dont care how scared I am, I will drag my feet over hot coals to escape with my baby.  Screw my feelings is how I feel, I gotta get the courage to do the right thing; if not for myself, for my child(ren).  No child deserves to suffer because someone couldnt get their feet moving out the door.  I know it is paralyzing to be scared, tortured, and abused---I just think "How do you think your baby will feel in this?"  Exactly, get moving. 

I know society and my family will stigmatize me, blame me, and I dont care anymore.  Ppl are ppl, so I dnt expect much anyways, and me and my child is way more important than what others 'think' about me.