Denying access to my daughter - now in full flow

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD ex has now completely stopped me seeing my daughter despite us putting in set contact days, namely Wednesdays and Saturdays overnight.  The trigger it would seem is that her attempt to make me jealous by getting with someone else has failed as I did not do anything to either get jealous or win her back.  I told her I was glad that she is moving on.  She has now told me that due to my neglect of her and my 'nastiness' that I cannot see my daughter and is awaiting a solicitors letter.  Stopping contact is the cruellest thing anyone has ever done to me and she is hurting an innocent child who wants to see her dad in the process.  Is anyone in the same boat as this and how do you maintain composure when someone is out to obliterate you and blatantly telling lies to other people.  I receive around 30 sometimes 40 a day from this woman which just makes her conniving even worse (the audacity to even try and get a rise out of me).  I am truly disgusted at this monster.

[nonbpdis-m]

My BPD ex has now completely stopped me seeing my daughter despite us putting in set contact days, namely Wednesdays and Saturdays overnight.  The trigger it would seem is that her attempt to make me jealous by getting with someone else has failed as I did not do anything to either get jealous or win her back.  I told her I was glad that she is moving on.  She has now told me that due to my neglect of her and my 'nastiness' that I cannot see my daughter and is awaiting a solicitors letter.  Stopping contact is the cruellest thing anyone has ever done to me and she is hurting an innocent child who wants to see her dad in the process.  Is anyone in the same boat as this and how do you maintain composure when someone is out to obliterate you and blatantly telling lies to other people.  I receive around 30 sometimes 40 a day from this woman which just makes her conniving even worse (the audacity to even try and get a rise out of me).  I am truly disgusted at this monster.

[formflier]

       I'm so sorry that you are being denied access.

Please understand they (pwBPD) many times don't play by the same rulebook that we use.  They seem to enjoy being "judge, jury an executioner"

That is... .what it is.  Nothing fair about it.  Please continue to vent here...

Going forward:

Keep the big picture.

YOU have the power (or can get it) to remove her from her role as "judge, jury and executioner".

I'm sure you would agree you would rather be spending time with your daughter.  Right now the "highest and best" use of your time is to regain access.

Please drop any pretense or effort to changer your pwBPDs thinking.  She can think what she wants.  It's what the court will enforce that matters.

Have you retained a lawyer?  If so what steps have been taken?  Make sure any lawyers you are involved with are familiar with "high conflict divorces".

Will check in later to see your response.  Hang in there.

FF

[ForeverDad]

Something I learned when I was first separated from my spouse was this, legally we were both parents with equal legal standing but largely unspecified.  What that meant was that if we couldn't agree on how we split parenting time then the parent "in possession" could set the terms.  Yes, my spouse blocked me for some 3 months until I filed for divorce and waited for my initial hearing for the temporary order.  (We had previously had mutual protection orders which set a schedule but those had ended.)

When the hearing eventually was held, the magistrate ascertained from her that she had blocked me for 3 months and then stated, "Well, I'll fix that."  Wow, what a fix, he reinstated the prior schedule where she was temp custodial parent and had majority time.  No, she wasn't scolded for blocking father-child time.  No, I didn't get make-up time for the blocked 3 months.

It sounds like the marriage is Over.  (Even if you had religious reservations, her infidelity is a recognized basis to end a marriage.)  Time is against you, the longer you try to reason with her to get face time with your kids, likely any time you might get would have her solidly in full control, the longer a halfway decent fix is obtained from the legal corner.

Meanwhile continue documenting her poor behaviors.  Save all her texts, emails and calls, you never know what they can document, not yet.

[nonbpdis-m]

Ok thanks for the replies.  It is now my contact day and still I am not allowed to see my daughter.  Just to clarify we are not married.  We were cohabiting for 4 years and split up around6 months ago, I moved back into my fathers house and have done since.  I was seeing my daughter on Wednesdays and Saturdays with an overnight stay but a complete lack of control of my life has caused her to spiral into desperation and an urge to 'make you feel as bad as you made me feel', which implies revenge.  I don't understand when some people say that BPD actions are not thought out and are impulse responses to fear/rejection.  She knows that this is hurting me and that is the primary driver here, with malice of forethought.  She will go to any lengths to destroy people and will do so in court with me.  I know one of her exes she has landed in jail for a fight that they had (which she claims she was totally innocent in).  Knowing her and her violent rage outbursts, this was unlikely to be a case of unprovoked domestic abuse.  I just want to see my daughter and the only thing she has power over is my contact with her.  Now what will she do if she loses this power and ends up not being able to stop the contact? I doubt very much she will simply admit defeat and I am scared of the fallout, as NOTHING is beyond limits in terms of her reckless behaviour.

[nonbpdis-m]

Something I learned when I was first separated from my spouse was this, legally we were both parents with equal legal standing but largely unspecified.  What that meant was that if we couldn't agree on how we split parenting time then the parent "in possession" could set the terms.  Yes, my spouse blocked me for some 3 months until I filed for divorce and waited for my initial hearing for the temporary order.  (We had previously had mutual protection orders which set a schedule but those had ended.)

When the hearing eventually was held, the magistrate ascertained from her that she had blocked me for 3 months and then stated, "Well, I'll fix that."  Wow, what a fix, he reinstated the prior schedule where she was temp custodial parent and had majority time.  No, she wasn't scolded for blocking father-child time.  No, I didn't get make-up time for the blocked 3 months.

It sounds like the marriage is Over.  (Even if you had religious reservations, her infidelity is a recognized basis to end a marriage.)  Time is against you, the longer you try to reason with her to get face time with your kids, likely any time you might get would have her solidly in full control, the longer a halfway decent fix is obtained from the legal corner.

Meanwhile continue documenting her poor behaviors.  Save all her texts, emails and calls, you never know what they can document, not yet.

How did you get through the three months? My daughter is not even 3 and I'm worried my BPD ex is poisoning her mind.  I've seen her bad mouth her exes (dads to the other kids), so no doubt she will be doing this to my child.  I am number three in the chain all different fathers, all horrible relationships and subsequent, inevitable breakdown and fallout.

[nonbpdis-m]

Please drop any pretense or effort to changer your pwBPDs thinking.  She can think what she wants.  It's what the court will enforce that matters.


FF
[/quote]

This is a very good point and where I (and probably thousands of others on here) have failed many, many times.  Trying to get her to see rationally is a pointless endeavour.

[formflier]

If I understand your story correctly, you are one of several guys she has had a child with and then moved on from.

I'm going to guess it was "always their fault".  Correct?

I'm sure you would agree this is a reality that you would rather not be faced with... .

   

Be deliberate about sitting down and making notes about what she has said about her exes... .about how she dealt with them.  The "moves" she made to try and "force" things.

You have some real life intel on how this is likely to play out, even if you don't like the intel.  Use this to your child's advantage.

Please think about how "unfair" things feel at the moment.  Please also read ForeverDad's post.  What jumped out at you about how "unfair" the system was to him?

She "admitted" blocking him and the judge "fixed" it.  What did you think of the "fix"?

I'm not trying to scare you, although that is an understandable reaction.  I AM trying to get you out of the mindset you are in now and move you to a mindset to be deliberate and thoughtful about legal moves to restore your relationship with your child

To be deliberate and thoughtful about being ready to put you and your child on the path to emotional health, once your relationship is legally restored.  Perhaps family therapy.  Therapy for you to help you be the best parent ever (I've been doing this for couple years now).

Very very important to not mix up this train of thought and action... .with another.

You also need to understand that pwBPD don't respond well to pressure and "the light of day".

So... .forcing parenting evaluations, mental evaluations, sharing evidence (recordings, pictures, etc etc) usually will bring some kind of results or movement.  "Being reasonable" with them usually brings stalemate.    "Oh... we need to delay this hearing for a month because xyz" usually goes no where.  Pushing to accelerate the schedule usually will.  Especially if that means getting into court where a judgment can be made.

Settlements on the courthouse steps are common.  Settlements through long arbitration processes are not.

I could go on... .but will stop for now.

You know yourself best.  Reflect on how you "gird for a fight".  You had best get on with it.  Remember to fight smart... .keep any eye on long term strategy, vice drama of the moment.

FF

[Panda39]

nonBPDis-m,

If you aren't already, start communicating via email this will help you document her lies and accusations.  If you respond (a bunch of verbal abuse does not need to be responded to or a bland short denial might be all you need ie: no I disagree with your assessment of my parenting) always be on your best behavior remember a judge could be reading these. BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words short and sweet is a good way to go.  Email will also give you time to think through your responses, hopefully avoiding those knee jerk reactions.

As frustrating as all of this is also keep any anger (even though you certainly have every reason to be!) under wraps.  You take the high road.

It's good that you are aware of her past behavior with her ex because past behavior is a good indicator of what she will do in the future.  Act accordingly to protect yourself, keep your distance from her and focus on getting a lawyer and getting into court.

Panda39

[nonbpdis-m]

If I understand your story correctly, you are one of several guys she has had a child with and then moved on from.

I'm going to guess it was "always their fault".  Correct?

I'm sure you would agree this is a reality that you would rather not be faced with... .

   

Be deliberate about sitting down and making notes about what she has said about her exes... .about how she dealt with them.  The "moves" she made to try and "force" things.

You have some real life intel on how this is likely to play out, even if you don't like the intel.  Use this to your child's advantage.

Please think about how "unfair" things feel at the moment.  Please also read ForeverDad's post.  What jumped out at you about how "unfair" the system was to him?

She "admitted" blocking him and the judge "fixed" it.  What did you think of the "fix"?

I'm not trying to scare you, although that is an understandable reaction.  I AM trying to get you out of the mindset you are in now and move you to a mindset to be deliberate and thoughtful about legal moves to restore your relationship with your child

To be deliberate and thoughtful about being ready to put you and your child on the path to emotional health, once your relationship is legally restored.  Perhaps family therapy.  Therapy for you to help you be the best parent ever (I've been doing this for couple years now).

Very very important to not mix up this train of thought and action... .with another.

You also need to understand that pwBPD don't respond well to pressure and "the light of day".

So... .forcing parenting evaluations, mental evaluations, sharing evidence (recordings, pictures, etc etc) usually will bring some kind of results or movement.  "Being reasonable" with them usually brings stalemate.    "Oh... we need to delay this hearing for a month because xyz" usually goes no where.  Pushing to accelerate the schedule usually will.  Especially if that means getting into court where a judgment can be made.

Settlements on the courthouse steps are common.  Settlements through long arbitration processes are not.

I could go on... .but will stop for now.

You know yourself best.  Reflect on how you "gird for a fight".  You had best get on with it.  Remember to fight smart... .keep any eye on long term strategy, vice drama of the moment.

FF

Yes my only focus now is contact with my daughter.  I have no interest in getting back at her and I will have to take the lost time (now) on the chin but you can't think long term when it is happening in the moment. What I mean is I want a swift resolution and hopefully it will all be over soon so I can move on and be a dad.

[formflier]

Hey... .not trying to split hairs here... .but mindset is important.

Thinking (mindset) influences the words we use and the words we use reveal and influences our mindset, especially when we are deliberate about our words in an effort to change mindset.

There was a time in my life when I would have used the word "contact" to talk about being with my children.

Now I'm deliberate to use the word "relationship".  Many times I will say things to others like "I'm taking S14 to Steak n Shake to work on our relationship... ."  they might ask if something is wrong... .to which I say no. 

I try to view my relationships as "work" or something to "put effort into" and to do well. 

Your child is going to need a strong, empathetic Father.  Those two things "strong" "empathetic" (and I'll add a third) "male" many times don't go together and will take effort to achieve.

Trust me... .it's worth the effort.   

FF

[ForeverDad]

How did I get through 3 months of blocked parenting?  I feared arrest on false claims more than anything.  Yes, there are parents here, usually fathers, who spent a night or weekend in jail, all on a mother's exaggerated or even unsubstantiated claims.  The police perspective is to separate the parents so the immediate incident is addressed.  They will claim they don't know the facts and usually arrest the one who is of the male gender, telling them both to resolve it in court.

Somehow I avoided a ride to jail, but it sure came close.  When I called the police, they spoke to us both separately and then one of the officers asked me to hand my sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  He started shrieking when I tried to comply and they soon just left saying "Work it out".  Looking back I realize he saved me that afternoon.  After all, what child won't go to his mother?  Fortunately, I had recorded her raging that triggered my call to 911 and so I was later able to prove I wasn't the one misbehaving.

Henceforth I strongly encourage you to have a recorder running (preferably out of sight so you don't trigger an overreaction from her) at ANY TIME you are near your ex.  Exchanges soon after separation, during divorce or when there are no orders are a time of HIGH RISK of false allegations.  No court or agency will state an allegation is false.  Generally the best you can get is "unsubstantiated" or rarely "unfounded".  Protect yourself.  Keep a practical and wise perspective.  As much as possible have a companion with you so you aren't alone or without your witnesses when you are anywhere near her.  Don't yell back or say anything that could be viewed as threatening, no matter how much she pushes your buttons.  No drive-bys hoping to glimpse your child in the window.  No following either, that's stalking or harassment, very serious matters.  In other words, be as calm and angelic as possible.

Seek legal advice.  Consult multiple lawyers if you haven't already.  Find one that has the best strategies and is fully aware of how utterly oppositional she will be.  She has an established history sabotaging the other fathers, be sure that is clearly understood.  Sadly, court moves slowly.  It expects litigants to calm down and be reasonable people before it has to step in.  You know she won't be reasonable or cooperative.  Remind your lawyer of that every time he or she thinks it can be settled amicably.  (Thinking that way can enable more delays in the case, your goal is to keep delays to a minimum.)

[nonbpdis-m]

How did I get through 3 months of blocked parenting?  I feared arrest on false claims more than anything.  Yes, there are parents here, usually fathers, who spent a night or weekend in jail, all on a mother's exaggerated or even unsubstantiated claims.  The police perspective is to separate the parents so the immediate incident is addressed.  They will claim they don't know the facts and usually arrest the one who is of the male gender, telling them both to resolve it in court.

Somehow I avoided a ride to jail, but it sure came close.  When I called the police, they spoke to us both separately and then one of the officers asked me to hand my sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  He started shrieking when I tried to comply and they soon just left saying "Work it out".  Looking back I realize he saved me that afternoon.  After all, what child won't go to his mother?  Fortunately, I had recorded her raging that triggered my call to 911 and so I was later able to prove I wasn't the one misbehaving.

Henceforth I strongly encourage you to have a recorder running (preferably out of sight so you don't trigger an overreaction from her) at ANY TIME you are near your ex.  Exchanges soon after separation, during divorce or when there are no orders are a time of HIGH RISK of false allegations.  No court or agency will state an allegation is false.  Generally the best you can get is "unsubstantiated" or rarely "unfounded".  Protect yourself.  Keep a practical and wise perspective.  As much as possible have a companion with you so you aren't alone or without your witnesses when you are anywhere near her.  Don't yell back or say anything that could be viewed as threatening, no matter how much she pushes your buttons.  No drive-bys hoping to glimpse your child in the window.  No following either, that's stalking or harassment, very serious matters.  In other words, be as calm and angelic as possible.

Seek legal advice.  Consult multiple lawyers if you haven't already.  Find one that has the best strategies and is fully aware of how utterly oppositional she will be.  She has an established history sabotaging the other fathers, be sure that is clearly understood.  Sadly, court moves slowly.  It expects litigants to calm down and be reasonable people before it has to step in.  You know she won't be reasonable or cooperative.  Remind your lawyer of that every time he or she thinks it can be settled amicably.  (Thinking that way can enable more delays in the case, your goal is to keep delays to a minimum.)

I have a meeting with a Solicitor next week.  I'm scared my daughter is going to forget about me the longer this goes on.  I am trying to stay calm but someone is trying to ruin my life and to do nothing in the meantime doesn't feel right.  She is also triangulating and smearing me to all and sundry which again the best course of action is to do nothing but in reality your impulse is to do something about this.

[Waddams]

nonBPDis-m - I'm a rare comer to this site now, but I do check in very occasionally and wanted to chime in.

1 - The others are correct, do not react, retaliate, escalate, etc.  Stay low contact with your BPDxgf.  Do not call her, text her, etc. except as regards to visiting your child.  And for God's sake, do not be alone with BPDxgf under any circumstances.

2 - The smear campaign sucks.  BPDxgf triangulating you with others and false accusations, it's horrible.  It's literally like the wicked witch trying to send her flying monkeys after you.  But consider this - people that fall under her influence have bad boundaries and are unhealthy anyway.  Let this be a filter - those people you are better off having out of your life anyway.  People that don't fall to her influence, they are better and good to have around.  Again - don't defend yourself to 3rd parties, don't JADE or DEER to any comments or questions people ask you in response to her smear campaign.  The best response for you is to simply tell them it's a tough situation but you aren't going to discuss it because you'd rather not have the drama spill over with 3rd parties.  Take the high road here.  It's hard in the moment, but the people that are worth staying you're life will notice and will respect you for it.

3 - You're already seeing a Solicitor, so good.  As mentioned before, you need one experienced with BPD, high conflict cases, and I'll just say bluntly you need one that is experienced with representing men that are dealing with abusive women. 

4 - keep documentation of her smear campaign as best you can, you're attempts to visit your child, and document her abuse.  Keep texts, emails, voice mails, etc.  Keep everything manipulative, black mailing, threatening, etc. 

5 - You're not married, you don't have legal rights established yet.  You can't control or force visitation.  Are you listed as the child's father on the birth certificate?  If not, get a paternity test.  Maybe get a paternity test done anyway.  Will probably have to get a court order for one at this point, but I'd advise you to do it and confirm the child is yours.

6 - in the mean time, while waiting for the court to resolve things, I'd advise to start working on you.  Self care is how you handle the stress.  Exercise, good diet, and surround yourself with decent people.  It might mean having to meet new people.  And work on building the best employment/job you can if you need to.  There's nothing like self-improvement to cure a depressed mind.  Don't sit around in a bad mental state, get out and move forward with life.  This will actually help in court proceedings - showing improved/better stability will help your custody prospects.

You're not gonna solve all this quickly and easily.  It's gonna take time, you're playing the long game here.  So wrap your mind around it, accept things for what they are, and then you can make the best decisions as to how to move forward.

[nonbpdis-m]

nonBPDis-m - I'm a rare comer to this site now, but I do check in very occasionally and wanted to chime in.

1 - The others are correct, do not react, retaliate, escalate, etc.  Stay low contact with your BPDxgf.  Do not call her, text her, etc. except as regards to visiting your child.  And for God's sake, do not be alone with BPDxgf under any circumstances.

2 - The smear campaign sucks.  BPDxgf triangulating you with others and false accusations, it's horrible.  It's literally like the wicked witch trying to send her flying monkeys after you.  But consider this - people that fall under her influence have bad boundaries and are unhealthy anyway.  Let this be a filter - those people you are better off having out of your life anyway.  People that don't fall to her influence, they are better and good to have around.  Again - don't defend yourself to 3rd parties, don't JADE or DEER to any comments or questions people ask you in response to her smear campaign.  The best response for you is to simply tell them it's a tough situation but you aren't going to discuss it because you'd rather not have the drama spill over with 3rd parties.  Take the high road here.  It's hard in the moment, but the people that are worth staying you're life will notice and will respect you for it.

3 - You're already seeing a Solicitor, so good.  As mentioned before, you need one experienced with BPD, high conflict cases, and I'll just say bluntly you need one that is experienced with representing men that are dealing with abusive women. 

4 - keep documentation of her smear campaign as best you can, you're attempts to visit your child, and document her abuse.  Keep texts, emails, voice mails, etc.  Keep everything manipulative, black mailing, threatening, etc. 

5 - You're not married, you don't have legal rights established yet.  You can't control or force visitation.  Are you listed as the child's father on the birth certificate?  If not, get a paternity test.  Maybe get a paternity test done anyway.  Will probably have to get a court order for one at this point, but I'd advise you to do it and confirm the child is yours.

6 - in the mean time, while waiting for the court to resolve things, I'd advise to start working on you.  Self care is how you handle the stress.  Exercise, good diet, and surround yourself with decent people.  It might mean having to meet new people.  And work on building the best employment/job you can if you need to.  There's nothing like self-improvement to cure a depressed mind.  Don't sit around in a bad mental state, get out and move forward with life.  This will actually help in court proceedings - showing improved/better stability will help your custody prospects.

You're not gonna solve all this quickly and easily.  It's gonna take time, you're playing the long game here.  So wrap your mind around it, accept things for what they are, and then you can make the best decisions as to how to move forward.

Thanks for commenting.  I am on the birth certificate luckily.  The other thing that goes in my favour is that the solicitor was arranged through a domestic violence charity, which I was referred to by the police.

[formflier]

Do you have to pay for the solicitor?

Are you able to pay for a solicitor?

A custody case with BPDish traits involved is going to be exhausting for any solicitor and will likely take a particular set of skills.  Solicitors are trained to solve and settle things, and there is an assumption of reasonableness that is involved there.  Granted, they know the court can "force" things, but that is usually a last resort.

In BPDish cases, usually better to apply force early... .put pressure on them.

FF

[nonbpdis-m]

Do you have to pay for the solicitor?

Are you able to pay for a solicitor?

A custody case with BPDish traits involved is going to be exhausting for any solicitor and will likely take a particular set of skills.  Solicitors are trained to solve and settle things, and there is an assumption of reasonableness that is involved there.  Granted, they know the court can "force" things, but that is usually a last resort.

In BPDish cases, usually better to apply force early... .put pressure on them.

FF

I have been told that I may not have to pay the legal fees due to fleeing due to the domestic violence.  The police, Social Services and the domestic abuse charity all have recorded incidents on file and she has been arrested twice for spousal abuse.  She has also been assessed several times by the Social Services but can pretend to be 'stable' like an oscar nominated actress when the stakes are high (losing your children etc).  No doubt she will put in a stellar performance in court but surely the judge will then question why this 'intelligent, charming articulate woman' would stop her child seeing the father.

Can someone help me if possible on this:  what are the motives behind her wanting to go to court in the first place after 6 months of separation and having arranged contact days?  What is she gaining and why would she want to go through all this bother?

[formflier]

Can you pay if needed?

Do you have choices in the lawyers you pick if they are given to you for free?

It's important to get your legal team in as good as shape as possible.

FF

[nonbpdis-m]

Can you pay if needed?

Do you have choices in the lawyers you pick if they are given to you for free?

It's important to get your legal team in as good as shape as possible.

FF

I will have to use the money that I was saving to buy a house with unfortunately, if it comes to that but I am willing to go bankrupt in order to have a proper relationship with my daughter.  This has been the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I feel hollow and heart broken.  I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I'm sure I will come out the better person for it.

[Panda39]

Can someone help me if possible on this:  what are the motives behind her wanting to go to court in the first place after 6 months of separation and having arranged contact days?  What is she gaining and why would she want to go through all this bother?

She has BPD or BPD behaviors so there won't be rational decision making instead you will get distorted thinking, everything is based on her feelings in the moment.  Impulsive decisions based on feelings = facts and an inability to manage her own feelings. 

We can't really know what is going on in someone else's head, but there are patterns in behaviors (that's why so many of our stories sound so similar). My guess is to up the engagement with you... .negative engagement is still engagement.  Everything is settled you see your child on schedule and you move on with your life... .what's the fun in that? Where's all the drama?  Where does that leave her? That's why it is often suggested to lessen the drama don't feed it and the hope is the pwBPD will lose interest and look elsewhere for this kind of engagement. 

Obviously, here you must jump in the fight in this situation because she is using your visitation with your daughter as a weapon 

Panda39