BPD wife is destroying my soul after 7 years of relationship, we have child too.

[7yearsofpain]

Hi guys,

This is my first ever call for help after being in a relationship with my seriously affect BPD wife for 7 long years.
Not sure where to start so I'm just going to start from the beginning...
I am music producer and live performer and we met at party I was playing 7 years back, I can't say it was love at a first sight but a good friendship started to develop over the course time, eventually we fell in love and found ourselves living together in less than a month's time.
Not to late she confided to me that she had suffered sexual abuse from 2 family members (an uncle and his son simultaneously) repeatedly over the course of one year when she was 14 years old.Also told me that her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she found him in bed with another woman on the house they were buying together, making her spiral out of control with drug abuse.
In the beginning she seemed fine and stable, really a wonderful person that I still think she is despite her problem.
The day I decided to officially ask her if she wanted to be my GF was when all hell broke loose and never again real lasting peace was found between us.
The same day she started nagging me because I had a relationship with a girl before that lasted one year and she truly believed I was still in love with her (which I wasn't) and basically questioned me nearly everyday about her for a whole year... She started slowly and incremented her verbal and mental abuse towards me and foolishly I wasn't seeing what was coming as it was only my second girlfriend and BPD was something I never had heard about. I stood next to her and told myself she was just insecure and with care and love i could help her overcome this as i loved her so much.
One year later our son was born and the relationship was already at a point of total wreck, with her manipulative behavior, constant surveillance of my actions, to the finest of details, police like questionings and fights literally everyday. I was already beyond my capabilities of dealing with such a problem but i stayed for my son and due to my faith in that she would become better over time, only to find out she was only getting worse day after day, fight after fight.
My friendships started to get affected, my music started to get affected, my mental health went downhill, and I was even sectioned for week due to a mental breakdown of all the pressure  and control, it was just insane.
We had some good times but if i could put it down in numbers, i could say 20% good times and normal life, 50% constant fighting and 30% absolute unimaginable mental torture. so a terrible balance i know.
Eventually I decided to move to London from my country to find a better life and for the first time in a long time I felt peace, and quiet, i felt myself again, and realized we had to break up for our own good.
And I did, called her and told her everything, and although felt guilty for my son to be so young without a present father but knew it was the right thing to do.
6 months later in a weak moment i called her and told her i missed her and the next week she was landing in london ready to start over, I went to pick her up at the airport only to find out that we hadn't even left the arrivals zone and a huge fight was breaking loose between us with all sort of imagined acusations. That was the moment i knew i had blew it all up.
I find myself completely under her control again, but far worse now as she now fights in public in our native language (thing she never used to do), threatens me she will destroy my music career that has finally picked up very well after a huge effort of mental rehabilitation of my part. Has made us lost several houses due to her constant screaming and destructive behavior, including the one i am currently typing from which i need to leave in 2 months after the landlord and house mates have had enough.
She has made friendship with my colegues at work that dont suspect anything as she is very good at hidding her problem (feels almost evil) and keeps threaning me of saying lies to them to make me look bad and basically i feel on the verge of mental breakdown, I have a whole studio, a whole life of stuff that i cant simply abandon in order to reach for my freedom.
Our son has been living with her parents for the last 4 years as i have been doing my best to not bring him into the middle of this situation, but he is suffering deeply with our absence, I need to leave but I dont know what to do. Sorry if my text sounds hectic and disorganized but its 7 years of heavy stuff going on and i dont know what to do anymore.
Ive had her arrested once her in london as she tried to stab me and destroyed the whole house and assaulted a police officer in a deep crisis.
I think of suicide often as my only escape as leaving now will mean destroying all ive worked so hard to build. Im feeling desperate my health is going over the constant stress, and just wanted to kindly ask for some advice on what to do as i feel this is a defining time in my life, and i need to leave to find my life again. I feel there is no option where i can do this without heavy consequences either for my son's image of me, my music career, my mental health and hers. It is my fault for staying all this time and allowing this to grow to this point i know, but i just need some advice guys...

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 7years, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about your situation, which I understand probably seems unmanageable to you at the moment.  Your is a familiar tale of a BPD r/s and its progression.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What would you like to see happen?  Try to treat yourself with care and compassion.  Suggest you put yourself first and pay attention to your needs.  What are your gut feelings about your r/s?

LuckyJim

[7yearsofpain]

Hi Lucky Jim.
Thank you for replying I need time and space alone, but i dont want to loose her at the same time, I love her deeply and when shes ok she's absolutely awesome, she supports my music so much, she encourages me to stay at home and work on it even when money gets tight, which in the end made me financially dependent on her. I feel somewhat like a hostage of my own choices. Would love to see her well, and healthy, calm and balanced, and she does sometimes, but when the tide changes it's like a different person someone i just want to runaway from and never see or think about ever again, Im considering finding another job and put my art on hold once more, but im loosing momentum by coming in and out of the market like this,have internatioal bookings which cant be canceled as it would ruin me, also moving out implies a huge cost that i cant afford atm without her, so feeling pretty stuck here. I want to help her but shes does not acknowledge her problem hence refuses medical treatment, then the whole kid situation is destroying me as he looks so sad every time i speak to him... i do need to change but im getting so confused as i dont know if its worth staying and fighting for this or just leave it all behind, sell all my stuff and runaway... either way the consequences of any choice including staying sound catastrophical to me...

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, 7years, I understand the quandary in which you find yourself as I have been in your shoes.  A BPD r/s is like that, akin to navigating through scylla and charybdis.  We can help you to find the right path for you.  I have to sign off at the moment.  LJ

[BeagleGirl]

I feel somewhat like a hostage of my own choices.

Believe it or not, the quote above is a HUGE step in the right direction.  Acknowledging that your choices have developed the situation you are in gives you the starting point to make other choices that will put you in a situation that you are more content with.

I'm not saying that pwBPD's decisions don't limit your options.  If you had ultimate say you would stay with her, bring your son back into a happy home, and have a thriving career in the music industry.  Reality is that the decisions of others (not just pwBPD) limits our options to some extent.  Contentment comes when we learn to understand what is within our realm of control and make decisions while accepting responsibility for the consequences of those decisions.  We may not end up with the life we dreamed of, but we will end up with the life we choose.

The good thing is that we have this site to help us as we learn that lesson and support us when we suffer the pain of diminished options and sacrificed dreams.

It sounds to me like the most immediate need in your mind is finding the space and time to start evaluating and making informed choices.  It also sounds like you are afraid that taking that time will eliminate the option of continuing a relationship with your pwBPD.  I suspect that fear is being perpetuated by pwBPD and it sounds like it may be unfounded.  She valued your relationship enough to reestablish it as soon as you showed willingness after the last break-up.

What if you were to say "I need some time to think through the direction my life is headed and make some decisions about the next steps I want to take.  This is something I need to do on my own.  I have no promises to offer as to what our relationship will look like in the future, but for now I know I need to have no/minimal contact with you while I make these decisions."?

The important thing is to do the work of evaluating and deciding.  Own your right/ability to make decisions.  

What are the aspect of your life that are in play?  From what you've said it sounds like:
Where you live
Relationship with pwBPD
Music Career/Passion
Job/Source of primary/extra income
Relationship with son

If you were to arrange/balance those aspects of your life (as far as is in your control) what would it look like?  

Are there areas of control that you have not exercised?

Are there areas that you want to control but really can't?

Are there consequences you are not willing to accept?  What are the decisions that would result in those consequences?

Are there compromises you are willing to make?  For how long?  At what cost?

These questions are just a sampling of what you could be working through.  It could take months/years to fully explore and implement them.  It will definitely take time and energy.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed, but I find that making any decision and celebrating it leads to a sense that "I can do this".  The decision can be as simple as "I'm going to get up and take a shower".  Believe me, that has been a Herculean task some days.  

Please hear, from someone who has felt that suicide is the only sure way out of the pain, that there is always hope and always reason to live.  My kids kept me alive (without knowing it) in some of my darker days.  The idea of causing them the pain of knowing their mom had "given up" was more painful than the pain that made me want to die.  So I chose to live.  I chose to get up and take a shower.  I chose to face the pain and do something about the aspects I had a choice in.  I hope that we can help you do the same.

BeagleGirl

[Harley Quinn]

Hi 7years,

I'd like to join LJ in welcoming you to the board.  I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, but I'm sure that you will find solace here.  Just knowing you're not alone can make a huge difference.  It did for me.  

What you describe sounds extremely troubling for you and carrying this amount of stress can affect your ability to come up with solutions to the situation.  Right now, it's no wonder you're having difficulty and feeling like escape is the only option. This I can relate to.  :)o you have support from your doctor?  It may be worth talking to them about how you are feeling in yourself as they can help you to manage these feelings and give you an opportunity to gain some mental space so to speak.  I received counselling for depression and it helped me enormously.  I also now take an SSRI, which has balanced my mood and anxiety enough to make it easier to manage and cope with.  This in turn has helped me to think things through and consider my choices more clearly.  I was reluctant to try medication yet I find it helpful for my immediate needs.  I was at breaking point when I decided to give it a go.

Very little in life is completely irreversible.  If we make a decision that proves to lead us away from our goal we can often find a way to correct our course and get back on track.  That would apply to relationships, career, family.  Try to go easy on yourself.  I know it's hard.    

I know you feel a lot of pressure to keep all the balls in the air.  You can only do your best.  Before you can be a great partner, a great father, a great success in your field, you need to be great to yourself.  Try to be kind to yourself right now and do what you feel is necessary to help yourself to feel better.  One thing at a time.

Ive had her arrested once her in london as she tried to stab me and destroyed the whole house and assaulted a police officer in a deep crisis.
I think of suicide often as my only escape as leaving now will mean destroying all ive worked so hard to build.

I feel for you, as I went through violence in my r/s and it takes so much out of you.  Your energy is probably very depleted right now and you are likely feeling confused and anxious due to all the drama.  It's a bit like being in a dream that you can't wake up from.  Have there been other incidents where things have become physically threatening?  This is something to consider when you look at the options for you.  It's hard to talk about but it helps.  

I can assure you that things can get better.  It may take a little time for things to fall into place but it will be worth it for you.  Your son will love you no matter what choices you make right now.  You will always be his father, whether you stay in the relationship or not.  Nothing can take that away.

What is your main priority in all of this?  We will help every way that we can.

Love and light x