Just reaching out

[allienoah]

Hello all,
Today is one of those days when I just don't know which end is up-with myself. I have been maintaining my boundaries with bfwBPD, I've been trying to validate, I've been understanding without agreeing. You know what? I think I am just plain exhausted from this r/s.
we are to go away this w/e-I am looking forward to the change of scenery. He is not coming to my home as he doesn't respect it, and also claims "it is too painful" to see that I allow my son his space there. Even when I type that out I get a sick feeling inside. How much more dysfunction am I going to tolerate? it is a question I really need to answer for myself. I feel resigned, tired, and ambiguous towards him right now. The amount of stress and upheaval that has come to my life as a result of this is unbelievable.
I'm just venting... I am fully aware that I am free to go whenever I wish. And love does NOT conquer all. I have finally realized this.

[coworkerfriend]

Oh my goodness Allie -I feel like I could have written your post 

Love does not conquer all - our relationships should not be so exhausting and draining.   I have been doing the same - maintaining my boundary of leaving at any sign of his being "off" and getting angry with me - I have been trying to be understanding and validating but it always seems to circle around to the same core issues - the same cycle of dysregulation.  I have been asking myself the question - how much am I willing to tolerate all year and I am just so tired.  I had actually tried to figure out a get away this weekend for us - just to have a change of scenery - to try and move past some of the resentment that keeps building up inside me.  I can't ever plan anything with my pwBPD - I never know where his head will be and I just end up disappointed if I do try and make plans. 

I feel stuck - he has almost no involvement at work and is upset that he doesn't know what is going on.  It all lands up in my lap and I have been trying to keep positive and moving forward.  But I am tired. 

I have been following your posts and so glad that you have made such progress in maintaining your boundaries.  I know how hard it is.  I hope you find strength knowing you are not alone and that I do understand how you feel.  It's been one of those days for me too.

[formflier]

So... .where are you guys on reconciling the video thing... .slander... .whatever you want to call it he did?

Anything written out?  


I'm having an anxious day here... .anxious afternoon actually.  Working on the investment home and getting lots of little piddly stuff done... .but can't seem to get my mind of my r/s and how preposterous some of the things they (pwBPD) do are.

FF grump over... .back to you.

Has he apologized or shown remorse?  Has he went to anyone that he showed the video to and apologized and said he shouldn't have done that?

Yeah... .I know from one perspective "the tools" would say to avoid shame... .but... you know... .he should be ashamed of himself for that.

What you really need to pivot to is that respect for your home is respect for you... .is respect for the r/s.

If he wants to show that... .perhaps you guys have a future.  If he doesn't... .I think you will be "worn out" here a lot.

Now... .I also want to be pragmatic.  I'm assuming he has good qualities and you enjoy going away with him and doing other things.

If that works for YOU... .then perhaps you turn to RA and enjoy what you can get out of the r/s.  If you go down that path... .I'd drop efforts to fix or encourage him to get better.  Just use boundaries with minimum energy from you... .and enjoy what you can.

   

FF
 

[allienoah]

It's so difficult when the resentment builds up... coworkerfriend I totally understand what you are saying. I think that is part of why I'm worn out. There's resentment there aplenty.
FF I'm sorry you're having such a tough day... it is hard to deal with the day to day demands when we have all these r/s issues at hand. I usually have to consciously say to myself " no bf thoughts until this is done "... .not always easy.
I did actually write out that bf is not to enter without an invitation., he is to keep his comments to himself when there... (that's IF he comes)... and it is MY decision what goes on there. His right to make any comments about my house my kids my anything is revoked ... unless I ask for it.
He did apologize to me and recanted the story to coworkers... but in my mind the damage is done. He still feels he's disrespected by my actions. Oh well... cue the resentment. To be honest I don't want to feel worn out anymore ...

[formflier]

Did he sign it?  What you wrote out?

Did apology seem genuine... .as in no eye rolling?

Perhaps I am Changing my tune.

FF

[allienoah]

He signed it, but just to placate me I am sure. He was insulted that I would go to such a "childish" length on this issue. But I wholly agree that respect for my home=respect for me=respect for our r/s. I am more than happy that he doesn't want to come over anymore(at least that's what he says now). His apology did seem sincere, but to tell the truth, I have no way of knowing how that actually went down with coworkers. I am not in a position to ask. At this point, I feel it should never have happened to begin with and that's the issue.
I did tell bf that I am tired of having the whole kitchen sink thrown at me every time he feels disappointed, or sad, or insecure. I calmly tried to suggest he really stop to think about the actual magnitude of any particular incident before reacting. But I know that this is part of the disorder. For him feelings = facts. So the question put before me of going with RA is a good one.