Exhausted

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am exhausted. I don't want to have one more argument.
I think that I am done. I thought I may have encouraged him to go to therapy... .but he balks at it. Who knows if he will go. Only because I threatened divorce that he "decided to go." He says I harassed him into making an appointment. That I henpecked to make sure he made it before we went on vacation-to have peace of mind. So I thought that great, but, the arguing continues. And the controlling and making me feel bad. And when he is around his family, every comment is negdtive regarding relatives, friends and neighbors. Every initial comment is negative. The last argument he says he will get a divorce, but that I was pushing him so he would file first instead of me.
Everything annoys me I am sick with arguing and want out. Being on the vacation at his fsmily has made it quite clear. What steps can I take to get him to understand the arguing needs to stop so we can end this?

[12years]

I am exhausted. I don't want to have one more argument.
I think that I am done. I thought I may have encouraged him to go to therapy... .but he balks at it. Who knows if he will go. Only because I threatened divorce that he "decided to go." He says I harassed him into making an appointment. That I henpecked to make sure he made it before we went on vacation-to have peace of mind. So I thought that great, but, the arguing continues. And the controlling and making me feel bad. And when he is around his family, every comment is negdtive regarding relatives, friends and neighbors. Every initial comment is negative. The last argument he says he will get a divorce, but that I was pushing him so he would file first instead of me.
Everything annoys me I am sick with arguing and want out. Being on the vacation at his fsmily has made it quite clear. What steps can I take to get him to understand the arguing needs to stop so we can end this?

[Panshekay]

Sorry, I know how exhausting this can be. Our son has been trying to divorce his uBPDw for almost 2 years, separated 4 years. So many things have gone wrong. Do you have children ?  Have you been able to get any support from your family or friends. How long have you been together? 

[12years]

Married 12 years. 2 kids that are 7 and 9. I have reached out to family and friends and they do support. But it's the big step I have to take to file and wreck the family; I will be viewed as the bad guy especially by his family. It's the uncertainty of the finances, where we live and the extreme change of life. In Texas I will have to get a job, I have been stay at home but started a small consulting job, so tings were going in that direction. The marriage therapy, the endless discussions and trying to manAging these circular, blaming arguments have worn me toma frazzle. I have given so much.
And still accused of having an affair, getting my own credit card, this is the latest in the series of ridiculous accusations, paranoia and arguing. I am not going to engage in one more argument though. Everything has been talked about. It's disintegrated to nothing. Before it gets worse I have to act. I have started reading the "Splitting" book but it is so harsh I can only read in small doses.
How can I prepare for the inevitable break up? Prepare the children?  If I declare its over I know there will be making up, but, I can't. And even if he goes to therapy?'c it won't help. I have given many wake up calls but the dramatics he loves, he thinks these things are normal. The marriage therapy didn't work, she saw the anger. Then I started to get angry because I saw no improvement. And there was name calling a year after a very big incident in front of family, and that was the last straw for me. And then guidelines boundaries agreed to but broken by emotional fights and then these recent accusations... .that were ludicrous. Anything you can say would help, I am so at the end of my rope.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 12years, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  It is exhausting, isn't it?  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, with two kids, so I can relate.  We separated after 13 years of marriage.  At that point, I had nothing left in the tank and was totally depleted.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Try to figure out the best for you and your kids.  Things can definitely get better.  I lost myself for a while there in my BPD r/s and it was not fun.  Now I'm back on my path.  You can do it, too!  LJ

[Panshekay]

I'm so sorry!  It's exhausting. I do agree with Lucky Jim.  Take care of yourself... .none of it is easy no matter what you decide. Read everything you can, keep posting, take care of yourself and your children. Just keep reaching out here... .have you read all the things on the right side  of this page?  There is a lot of great info.  I hope things are going better for you. Blessings... .

[Pinkdress88]

I can completely relate to your story. I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old. I want to leave my husband, but he would freak out and make it even worse for my boys. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. If it weren't for my boys... I would haven been out the door years ago. I wish you well!

[Lucky Jim]

I can completely relate to your story. I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old. I want to leave my husband, but he would freak out and make it even worse for my boys. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. If it weren't for my boys... I would haven been out the door years ago. I wish you well!

Pinkdress88:  I can relate to your story!  Towards the end of my marriage to my BPDxW, I wanted nothing to do with her.  I fell out of love.  She became someone who, had I not been married to her, I would have avoided.  She was unkind and abusive -- a function of having BPD.  I stayed as long as I could to provide a stabilizing influence for our kids to offset my Ex's drama and turmoil, but ultimately I ran my self into the ground.  I suggest you be careful to take good care of yourself.

LuckyJim

[sweetheart]

Hi 12years,

The arguing, the circular high conflict debating, the negative focus of every comment and conversation is I agree absolutely exhausting.

So for now you are still there and understandably conflicted, so in answer to the question how do I stop the arguing (can I stop the arguing)? The answer is yes YOU can, the key is with you, but it's not a quick fix, but it is possible to improve things for you so that you are left feeling less exhausted. Stopping the arguing will also free up some emotional space for you to start to take stock of what leaving might look like for you and your children. The space might also help you to decide that staying is also possible.


For now have you had a read of any of the literature and workshops to your right 
If you haven't, take some time to have a read about how these relationships develop and what you can do to start to alter your role in the arguing. No blame here, but remember arguing takes two people. 

How are your children amidst all the arguing, what is their understanding of what is going on?

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely put, sweetheart.  Agree, it is possible to lessen the arguments, if one is willing to practice disengagement.  As sweetheart notes, it's not a quick fix and takes time to get the hang of declining to participate in the drama.  LJ

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm sorry you're here (sorry that you were driven to this point) - but not really, because this is a place that leads towards healing.
I often read messages in which someone says that they are done, over, can't continue and in your case "exhausted."  My catch phrase was "enough!"  I had arrived at a point of self-awareness that I finally recognized how bad my marriage was and I said enough!   

I'm still married, but I let go of the things that caused the most pain.  I know that I cannot have an intimate relationship based on trust.  I know my needs won't be met.  I know what I say will be rehashed and used against me.  I have learned to risk little and expect nothing.  It still hurts, but not as much as the insanity of being made crazy, guilty, confused, depressed, and angry - which resulted from my close contact with my wife.  It's temporary.

There's an acronym used around here that is JADE.  It's how we often turn to others to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain ourselves in times of disagreement and conflict.  Used with judgement and calm, and with a healthy, trusting peer, these methods might work.  They might even help.  Imagine having a close friend that you can talk with - and defend your actions, explain your behavior, etc.  It comes naturally to us. 

However, across from a disordered personality, efforts to JADE are the most combative, dismissive, hurtful, angry things they can hear.  It's like pouring gasoline on a fire.  It will enrage them internally if not externally also.

There is a saying that one can "let go, or be dragged."  A phrase I like is "don't wrestle with pigs. They like it, and you will get muddy."  Nothing can be accomplished by arguments with a disordered person.  Furthermore, remember that you did not cause your partner's behavior, can't control it, and can't cure it.  Just don't engage in anger.  The only way to change your relationship is to change yourself.  At least that is something you CAN influence, control, and understand.  You won't walk away perfect, but with boundaries, and a set of rules for when you will let go will help a lot.

You: "What steps can I take to get him to understand the arguing needs to stop so we can end this?"
Me: "boundaries"


I learned that I just don't get to be the regular human.  I can't JADE and do any good.  I can't have bad days.  I can't let my hair down, metaphorically.  I have found other things to let me live a more full life, but it's not my marriage relationship.

Note, I'm not saying it's bad to feel exhausted, or to say you have reached the end of your rope.  It's not wrong at all to recognize the feeling that you have had enough.  It's time to listen to those feelings and decide a direction to take them - because arguing with the same person about the same things keeps you stuck. 

Self care!  Also, don't broadcast your moves.  It's easier to study and think when your partner assumes all is normal.  Keep it to yourself and implement changes slowly.  In my opinion. 

[donkey2016]

I think that SamwizeGamgee said it all. I have been helped a lot by detaching still I'm also like 12years feeling exhausted. I'm trying now not to get sucked into arguments (especially not the same ones!). The advice about not using JADE is excellent.

I hope that you'll find out what to do 12years. Take it step by step and I agree with the others that it's important to be kind to yourself. Do nice things on your own or with your kids.

Your own credit card and your own bank account can be the first steps (that was good your husband reminded you about that  )

donkey2016