I'm scared and Confused

[Resilient Runner]

Hi All,
I am starting divorce proceeding with my husband.  He is an alcoholic, highly manipulative, a a narcissist and other psycholigical problem and to top it off, he's a lawyer.  We have been together for 4 years and married for two.  I was naive and product of an alcoholic home.  He has had numerous affairs and lies about the littlest of things.  I ignored my gut and the red flags.  He kids have emotional issues.  I have done alot of work to stop feeling guilty and ashamed and be emotionally healthy.  I forced him to go to counseling and am now seeing what he truly is.  He asked for a divorce the other night after the months of me pushing back and not accepting his behavior.  He has a volatile side to him that he controls pretty well but once and I while I can push him to where it shows. 

He refuses to sleep in another bed from me.  He is trying to move his 23 year old daughter in our home today and her boyfriend who I have met 5 times.  The daughter has lied and stolen my clothes, shoes and money.  I feel like they are trying to getting me to engage so they can say the daughter is in danger and have a restraining order put against me and me removed from the home.  I have told them both I am not comfortable with the boyfroiend being here and he is not to move in.  I just told my husband this again this morning.  He says the boyfriend is moving in.  What do I do?  I am thinking that if the boyfriend tries to move in that I ask him to leave and if he doesn't, I go to the police department. I was planning on leaving in a couple months but he blind sided me.  I think he knew I was planning on leaving.   I am waiting for a lawyer to contact me about taking my case so in the meantime, I'm on my own  Thoughts please !  I'm desperate.  I'm scared.  PLEASE HELP!

[ForeverDad]

I forced him to go to counseling and am now seeing what he truly is.  He asked for a divorce the other night after the months of me pushing back and not accepting his behavior.  He has a volatile side to him that he controls pretty well but once and I while I can push him to where it shows.

While it is important to set behavior and other boundaries, understand that boundaries are primarily for you.  If he doesn't abide by your boundaries and pushes back, in a practical sense your alternative is to exit the relationship.  Constant boundary pushing is hard to maintain and draining.  Also, don't be the one 'baiting' and triggering the other to bad reactions.  Yes, he needs to own any bad actions, reactions and overreactions but it's not healthy to purposely do so, especially without a clear strategy and purpose.

He refuses to sleep in another bed from me... .I was planning on leaving in a couple months but he blind sided me.  I think he knew (sensed?) I was planning on leaving.

There is no 'perfect time' to exit a dysfunctional marriage.  Many here wished for that but generally our spouses are able to sabotage us by keeping us off-balance and reactive rather than proactive.  You do need legal advice.  We recommend you get multiple legal consultations since not all lawyers are up to the task of developing and waging proactive legal strategies.

Have you documented your objections in ways that can protect the realities of your dilemmas?  For example, do you have email or text exchanges that you can save to prove you said and did?  Of course, understand that such documentation may be viewed at a future time by the court, lawyers, etc.  So weigh those words well, be polite yet firm, no threats or insinuations that can be twisted to make you look bad.

What you're talking about here are your boundaries, what you will accept and what you won't.  You both are adults.  Neither of you can (or should be able to) 'force' the other to do something they don't want.  So be prepared for guilting, obligating you or other methods of pressure.  We have an acronym here, FOG... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Be aware.  Don't be overwhelmed by the pressure of the moment.

Also, if you've made any concessions in the past, understand that you're allowed to reconsider prior decisions and make appropriate changes.  He may insist "you promised ___ so you can't do ___" but that's guilting or obligating you to keep you under control.  Only legal documents may be binding, even that can be reexamined, not the emotional pressuring.

Clearly he is very resistant to changing his life-long perceptions and perspectives.  He's not listening to you.  Serious therapy would otherwise be the only hope for him to open up to more normal thinking and behaviors.  Sadly, only he can do that for himself.  You haven't been able to improve him.  Domestic court won't do that either.  Maybe the court may step in for the worst of the worst behaviors but largely the court will referee the unwinding of the marriage.

You mentioned he has adult children.  But the most important question is, Do you two together share children?  That's important to know since unwinding a marriage is so much simpler if custody and parenting issues don't apply.

[livednlearned]

Sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. My ex is also a lawyer, plus BPD/NPD and alcoholism, among other issues. It's not fun.

Who owns the home?

Do you have anywhere to go, or the means to support yourself if things begin to escalate? I know it's not fair, and it's probably not ideal. What you do probably depends on your financial situation.

Police probably can't stop the boyfriend from moving in, is my guess.

Can you tell us how you are pushing back on his behavior? Maybe we can share some insight into what might work best, to keep you safe while you begin to disentangle.

[Resilient Runner]

Thanks everyone.  By pushing back I mean setting boundaries which he ignores, clarifying conversations so he can't say he doesn't remember, not engaging in arguments or feeling guilty and apologizing.  Not getting angry.  He will sit in our counseling sessions agree to something and walkout the door and door whatever he wants.  It's crazy to me.  I value honesty, fidelity and communication.  I'm not sure what he values. 

[ForeverDad]

I'm not sure what he values.

His perceptions.  His world view.  His mood of the moment.  No reciprocity, well, unless it benefits him.  No sincere respect for others, especially those closest to him.  More, if not total, concern for himself and his feeling than for others and their feelings.  Selfish, self-centered, come to mind.

BPD is a disorder that is more evident the closer the relationship.  It's like the pwBPD feels more enabled to do whatever is felt once you were committed to the relationship, it gave him leverage, power, in the relationship.  What does the word disorder mean, in a practical way?  It is a deviation from normal thinking.  So how can you expect normal responses when the person is not thinking normally?  It is mental illness.  Generally not enough to get him committed but still mental illness.  The professionals will let him think and do whatever he does as long as it doesn't cross a big enough boundary such as abuse or other proscribed actions.

You have been unable to improve his perceptions and behaviors.  Evidently counseling too has been unable to improve his perceptions behaviors.  So basically only one alternative left other than continuing to appease and suffer.  That is to set your own boundaries for what you will allow.  This is more than telling him what he must not do.  He's likely to push back on any real limits.  The boundaries are for you.  If you rant or rage then I will leave until you calm down.  "If... .then... ."

However understand that many people exhibiting his attitudes and behaviors, often for much of their lives, will refuse to change.  Do you want a life of immovable object versus an irresistible force?  Most here who have faced that dilemma accepted it was unhealthy to continue a Sisyphus-like endless challenge like that that could also morph into worse behaviors such as outright abuse.

Have you pondered divorce?  Have you made a decision about that?  How much more worse would it have to be to go there?

[Waddams]

If his daughter is stealing from you and you can prove it, file a police report, and then also file a restraining order so she's not allowed in your house.

Sounds like your STBX might not be the stablest guy, depending on his response and if you can document things, you might be able to have him removed via restraining order as well. 

Just keep in mind, once those are filed, you need to file for divorce ASAP.  It's basically nuking the relationship, there won't be any going back, considering reconciling, etc. 

Or just find yourself a place where you can support yourself - i.e. rent an apartment yourself, or a basement/room, find a place looking for a roommate, and just move out.  Line up some moving help, give no warning, and just be gone.  Be ready to change your address with bills, close any joint bank/credit card accounts, get new ones set up in your name only, and turn off any joint utilities/phone accounts.  Let him worry about turning the water back on in his name only. 

Once all that's done, then file for divorce.  The court will issue a restraining order preventing both parties from making account changes, etc.  Hence why you do it all before filing.

If you want out, and things are bad like you say, then get out.  And don't be nice, act in your own self interest and take care of your needs.  You don't have to insulate him and his daughter from the fallout from their actions.  If you have to put them in a hard spot (like having to deal with getting utilities back on in their own names), that's consequences for how they treated you.  You have a right to protect yourself and your interests.

[ForeverDad]

One issue most of us struggle with is that of being too fair, too nice, too willing to hide poor behaviors, too whatever.  That's a personality trait of many reasonably normal people, such as us who... .overstayed our welcome.

As Waddams wrote, you won't find reciprocity from self-centered people.  Being passive is not a good Defense.  (In competitive sports everyone knows a team won't win if it only chooses defensive tactics.)  This is not to say you should be vindictive or aggressive.  You shouldn't go against your sense of moral values.  But you DO need to be proactive and assertive of your rights.  Just do it right.  And do it for the right reasons.  And choose the right strategies, ones that are more likely to succeed.

Understand that you being meek, pliable, appeasing, etc won't gain you any points with the court or professionals.  Court will give each case slices of time in half hour increments.  One of the problems of ending a relationship with a dysfunctional, acting out spouse is this truism:  The person behaving poorly seldom gets significant consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets significant credit.  Court is like a passive referee, often overlooking bad behaviors it considers as of lesser importance, so you and your lawyer need to keep the professionals on task.

So, what to do?  Stand up for your self in proper, strategic ways known to work.  A good, experienced, problem solving attorney is invaluable, as emphasized in our best handbook, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Also local support such as with family and trusted friends, yours and not his.  Same for finding a great supportive counselor.  And peer support such as found here.  We've "been there, done that".  We have a huge sum of collective wisdom, what is more likely to work, what common ideas might be sabotaging yourself.

[livednlearned]

Thanks everyone.  By pushing back I mean setting boundaries which he ignores, clarifying conversations so he can't say he doesn't remember, not engaging in arguments or feeling guilty and apologizing.  Not getting angry.  He will sit in our counseling sessions agree to something and walkout the door and door whatever he wants.  It's crazy to me.  I value honesty, fidelity and communication.  I'm not sure what he values. 

Has he done anything further to move the divorce forward?

He's still going to counseling with you, it sounds like. Do you have any hopes of continuing the relationship?