Are nonBPD partner's needs ever met by BPD partner?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Hi... i'm new here and struggling... my g/f and i were together for 9 months then all of a sudden she broke up with me out of blue... after a3-day silent trestment followed by a "let's remove pressure, go slowly, and build friendship base"--all initiated by my pwBPD g/f... my parent passed away acouple of months ago and things went downhill from thrte... why? I wanted her emotional support and didnt ask for a lot... even with the death i spent time with her and her kids... .shehasnever been diagnosed with BPD but a therapist friend of mine described her as "someone with BPD traits"? Is thst better? More hopeful? My g/f strughles with emotional desregulation, impulsivity... now she accused me of being manipulative and abusive towsrd her when i didnt do anything but go help my family...

Forgive my abbreviations etc... i'm vety new to this... .can someone with BPD meet partner's emotional needs? Everything i read on the bosrds--it seems like thepartners put yheir needs aside?

So what happened? She has called 10 times with no messsges... .i dont know why if she broke up with me?Im so sad...

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

She has called 10 times with no messages... .i don't know why if she broke up with me? I'm so sad.

Have you called her back?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Mystique,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad after your breakup. I have also experienced the loss of a parent and the aftermath of not getting the support I needed from my uBPDH. It's very isolating and hard to go through something so painful and not have someone you can share your strong emotions with.

I wouldn't say it's impossible for a non to be able to share their feelings with their pwBPD, but it's important to remember that oftentimes, the pwBPD is incapable of being able to connect the way we need them to connect with us. When in a relationship wtih someone with BPD, we have to find our own ways of getting emotional satisfaction so that we don't have to give up our needs.

You mentioned she has called you 10 times. Is she trying to get back together? If you are able to reconcile, what can you do to let her know what needs you have that need to be met in order for you to happy in the relationship?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Skip snd Tattered Heart,
Thanks for replying. No I haven't called her back. She didn't leave any voicemails so I don't know how to mentally prepare for a call. I'm afraid she'll either start blaming me for being abusive and manipulative or something else. She had text'd prior to the calls thst she was sorry -that she dhouldn't have yelled, but yhen she went on to blame me that my past trauma has made me manipulative/abusive and hurt her "probably without realizing it"... .she then went on about how angry she was and then ssid she doesn't even know what she's feeling.  

I keep saying to myself -she ended the relationship so what would I get out of the phone call? Would it hurt me more?

Tattered Heart--thank you for sharing... with your uBPDH, what kind of emotional support did you receive. My (x?)g/f wBPD has asked multiple times about what emotional support for me was. I had explained it and the dsy she broke up with me, she did it. She traveled 3+ hours to my dad's house and met me there to help clean out... i had told her in advance that it was not labor I needed, but rather emotional support. The irony is less than 1hour b4 the breakup, we were talking about how good the day was, and I went on and on to say thank you for how emotionally supportive she was earlier.  As sn fyi--she had given me the silent treatment a few dsys earlier for about 3 days... .then she broke the silence saying she could still help if I wanted.

I wish she was calling to reconcile but I honestly don't know why she is calling. My thrrapist believes that she is not capable of hiving me emotional support, though she had at other times... so now i'm confused. i read on all these boards about ways we nonBPD should act/respond to a BPD, but yhere isn't much about what we csn get for our needs. Can you help me understand-if you can-since uou sre married?