Introduction

[aphf]

Hi there,

I have been on the forums before but it's been a long while so this is sort of a new/first time post.

My wife and I have 5 kids together. We each came to the table with 2 and then had one together. I have been separated from my ex for over 12 years now and it has been a struggle the whole way. It wasn't until a co-parenting councelor told me I should really check out walking on eggshells that things started to click and I started setting better bounderies. Still, it's been a rough road.

I'm currently in the middle of court proceedings, and the ordered high conflict co-parenting counceling is forcing us to interact much more then I'd like. Not just in the weekly sessions, but also in the email exchanges. The therapist is CC'd on all of the messages. Still my ex is being unreasonable and showing her seems. She is also really using this exahcnge as a way to make out of context accusations, and pain misleading pictures. I have caught myself a couple of times getting upset or defensive and am really worried that I'll come across as paranoid, crazy guy, or the one who is unwilling to move positively when I am resistent to all the communication.

Anyway, I'm not sure if there is any good advise out there since I can't go into too many details, but I just wanted to reach out to some community as it's hurting my work, my marriage, my kids, and myself.

Also, I wasn't sure which thread to pick for co-parenting with BPD ex's.

[takingandsending]

Hi aphf and Welcome (again?) to bpdfamily. 

I think you are posting on the right board. There are communication strategies that can help, even with a high conflict ex.

Given that the court is ordering co-parent counseling, you can try BIFF as a form of communication. Take a read through the ideas posted in the link. Odds are you are already using some of these strategies. Can you see any ways that you have been drawn into JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) responses, which are certain to prolong the battling? Can you see any ways that you might change how you engage in e-mail or in person exchanges?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

Let me know if this helps at all. There are a lot of members on this board who can chime in. Where you can, provide more specifics, even if in general terms.

[aphf]

Thank you so much for the response. I have really been working on more of a BICF approach (Brief, Informative, Civil, Firm) . I've always been pretty good at being civil, and not as good at the JADE part. In fact I have found that I've become more defensive in general after dealing with so many years of this.

It's very difficult right now, because I'm afraid that not explaining will lead the co-parenting councelor to believe untrue accusations. In the past, my wife was really good at helping me reword emails ina more direct clear way. As it stands the decade of dealing with my ex has really taken it's toll though and has stressed her out to the point of it severely affecting our relationship and leaving her feeling disconnected. It's left me feeling mostly alone in all of this and having to balance work, home, court and still be a patient, upbeat father and husband.

My therapist gets it, my lawyer I fear goes in and out of really having my back and understanding the nature of my Ex's BPD behaviors. She is good in general, but I feel locked in to her at this stage and keeping getting the feeling like she just doesn't want to deal with the constant issues that keep popping up.


I'm leaving work now and have more to say. I'll probably post some questions in the legal section as well as explain the current situation here later.

Thank you again for the response, it's good mental chiropractic to be reminded and it also helps to see others that understand some of what it is like without having to explain attachment disorders to give context.

I really need people that understand right now so I don't get locked up when I need to be sharp.

P.S. I'll spend some time looking at all the acronymnsI'm supposed to be using too

[livednlearned]

Hi aphf,

I had a parenting coordinator, and very briefly, a coparenting counselor. I understand the super fine line trying you're trying to walk!

I'm wondering if Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak might be helpful to you? I found his book (which is intended to help deflect parental alienation tactics) to be useful, especially the way he phrases things.

In your case, the person in the middle is the counselor, not the kids, but perhaps the strategies will apply, especially the specific phrases Warshak recommends for different situations.

The skills are not counter-intuitive, so it helps to have some pro-tips on hand when you feel both antagonized (your ex) and watched (counselor).

[aphf]

Thank you! I'll check that out. I just got a copy of a pretty caustic supplimental declaration from her for our case. Any pro tips are super helpful. I find the hardest thing right now is not taking to long to respond to her emails. They can feel a bit daunting, since I'm really trying to make sure I'm wording everything in the best possible way for good communication, honesty, and not over-engaging.

[livednlearned]

Taking a long time to answer by email (or text) is really important when you're in an active court case.

I think it's wise... .