Such a lonely decision to divorce.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Married 20 years.  I was depressed and unhappy, and didn't know why, for the first 17 years of it.  I found out, and for at least the last 2 years, I have gotten better, but marriage has not.  I have learned enough to survive and I build my own happiness.

I feel like I should do the right thing, take the high road, and either stay married, or have a business-like divorce that settles amicably and opens the next chapter as co-parents. 

However, I doubt I can have that business-like conversation with my wife. 

I've divulged the most to my brother, who understands, but as for really what it's like to be in the trenches with a uBPDw, he doesn't really "get it"  - and I wouldn't expect anyone would who hasn't been there.  Heck, even I wouldn't "get it" if you spoke to me about it four years ago.

My parents know things are bad, but being nice, good, (still married) parents, they hope. And encourage.  And pray for us to "work it out" and stay married.  And I'm sure they want me to look forward to the rest of life with this marriage trouble behind us.  Problem is, it makes me compare it to a tumor, or debilitating disease.  Even if I've had it for 20 years, would one hope and pray for me to keep it?
I hope not, and yet we seem to always want couples to work it out and stay together.

I can talk about a few things with friends and co-workers, but, there's no sense in what sounds to many like gossiping and venting general marital stress.

Church congregation is lock step with family and staying married values.  No real help there.  God wants what is best, I'm sure, but He's letting me fumble through this one. 

My T is on my side, but, as a professional, can't tell me what to do.  Rather, she's helped me find myself. 

Lawyers paint a bleak and expensive landscape during and after divorce.  And in the end, just want to get paid.

I want to free my kids up to be kids, and heal me first, and then provide the best for them.  However, I can't talk to them about this stuff either, even though it affects them the most out of anyone else.

Readers and those on these message boards "get it" - and for that I'm grateful.  Life-and-sanity-saving grateful.  And nevertheless, there is no automatic answer to the decision to get divorced or not.

I'm feeling very alone on this decision.  I suppose that in our mind's darkest nights, and in the truest feelings, we are actually alone.  In the end I'll have to both suffer and thrive based on my decision. 

It's just such a lonely place right now.
Did anyone else feel more than completely alone when it came down to it?

[ForeverDad]

I have one especially touching memory from my initial separation days.  The congregation was quietly supportive but, really I couldn't blame them, they didn't know what to say with such a devastating outcome as separation and false allegations.  However, no one advocated we get together again, well not as long as she was still oppositional and controlling.  As least they saw the reality.

One humble family invited me to their home for a meal after Sunday services.  I could discern the father was so embarrassed that his small apartment was in a run down area, paint was peeling off the walls, the meal was simple, etc.  I reassured him that he was rich in what counted, his family was intact and whole.

Okay, another  too but it wasn't as touching.  When I had called police and we 'separated' under the worst of terms, a sibling and his wife immediately visited and basically commiserated with me that there was no way to avoid the slow motion train wreck.  In prior months their feet had been rare at my home, what with the raging monster around who had roasted and driven away my family.

Yes, I wish I was married again.  Healthily, of course.  But I'm on the verge of retirement age despite feeling inside like I was a couple decades younger.  I had a sibling introduce me to her eligible friends but my interest wasn't there for those.  Not that many people arouse my interest, seems she has a lot of grandmother-type friends.  I'm only a dad to a teen, though I must admit I married late and had a child even later.  So a decade after separation, with much time locked in a custody struggle, I'm still single and yes lonely.

[RedPill]

Hi Samwize,
I hear you. This is why a support network is so important. Perhaps when you commit to a decision you will feel more settled. I am separated but still in the early stages. Recently I went to a social gathering with the teen D and had a liberating evening of adult company without having to caretake for ustbxBPDw. It felt great and gave me a taste of what (hopefully) lies on the other side.
Hang in and keep searching,
RP

[lpheal]

Your posts are always on target, I'm impressed with how well you put into words what I am also experiencing.

My parents and brother's family just came to visit from out of town. It was good to see them, and they had a little bit of exposure to what I've been experiencing (but still not seeing how truly awful it is). My mother said, "we will support you with whatever you need to do." Ultimately I have to make the decision on my own, and that comes with a profound sense of loneliness. No one else can understand, and the only other person who has experienced it with you holds you to blame for all of it.

Like you I haven't found an answer in the practice of religion (though I continue to pray that I will), but the spiritual side of me does still believe there is a reason for this. I very much want to understand the why of it now, but T said that probably won't be apparent until after you have moved past it. I am wondering if making this move will force me to reach out to friends and ask for help? I've always taken pride in being self-sufficient, but maybe I need to learn how to reach out to others and accept their help? Maybe there are other reasons.

I am very grateful for the support on this site. The stories are not always identical, but they rhyme so well I can tell this is a group of people who get it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

@Ipheal - This reminds me of another maddening circumstance.  From a casual observation, my wife looks like a high functioning mom.  No one other than myself has witnessed and lived through what I have. 
I'll likely not get any popular support in going forward with divorce. I know some people have partners that the rest of the world recognize as crazy or abusive, but, not me.

@RedPill - I do believe that once I decide and act, I'll feel much better.  Or, I'll recognize that I've made a big mistake - and in that case I can reverse course and drop the divorce proceedings (provided that I file first).

@ForeverDad - I forcibly block thoughts about what a happy marriage would have been like, as well as how life would feel with a stabilizing loving relationship.  It's just too sad for me to think about that right now.  Blinders on, head down, just keep pressing forward.
If I do proceed to get a divorce, I'll do my best not to justify it or explain it to others who are merely judging my actions.  Rather, I think I might just say "give it five years, and we'll see who's happy then."

[ForeverDad]

My congregation knew my spouse had 'issues'.  She had verbally struck out at a number of them.  No one told me I ought to reconcile with her.  (I did try one last offer to reconcile a few months after we had separated.  She snubbed the offer by turning away from me in the court's common waiting area and her lawyer saw it too.  However I had already stated in court that I didn't want her back as she was, which also helped me not look like a controller wanting her back under my control.)

My religion does follow Jesus' comments that marriage is a binding relationship and remarrying after divorce was proper only when the offending spouse was unfaithful.  But it also recognizes divorce (without the remarry option) may be necessary/appropriate for other reasons such as abuse or obstruction to ones spiritual or general health/welfare.  As it turned out, I learned of infidelity afterward and so I consider I have the remarry option anyway.

Regarding your last post, you can always tell those people that remarriage to your spouse can still be an option.  (Knowing what you know now, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't really pursue that path... .Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!)

And yes, now while you're in the middle of it all is not the time for you to expect to be relaxed and recovered.  Recovery takes time but first you have to get out for you to get the necessary time and space.

[Panda39]

Both my SO and myself found once we made the decision to leave our marriages we had friends and family coming out of the woodwork to support us. 

I was much more lonely and isolated in my marriage (I cut everyone off... .didn't want anyone to see the dysfunction) than when I left it.

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Samwize, it is truly lonely where you are at right now, and as ForeverDad notes, it may remain that way depending on what you choose.

But my experience was more akin to Panda's. People from my kids' school have been overwhelmingly supportive. My wife appeared to me to be high or moderate functioning. Turns out, she doesn't appear that way to most of the parents at our school. Likewise for friends of hers that also have befriended me. I'd like to comment on my friends, but I let all my friendships go over the course of my marriage. The isolation and loneliness I felt suffering in the marriage was far worse than the loneliness and isolation I feel even 5 months outside of it.

As far as religion, not too much support in the buddhist community, but not much judgment either. Typically, I am met with some sympathy, a sigh, and a shoulder shrug with the comment, "Impermanence". Kind of funny, actually, but not terribly helpful when you are emotionally wrung out. Helps afterward, but not so much when you are in the throes of grief.

I feel for you. I really do. I spent many lonely, soul searching days and nights trying to piece together what was best for me and my kids. Ultimately, I want to have the opportunity to show them what a healthy relationship looks like, so I am starting to create one with myself, and I hope and pray I eventually can show them a healthy relationship with another intimate partner. I wish that for you, too. You seem like a pretty decent person.

[formflier]

Not knowing all of your story offhand... .have you asked directly and succintly for what you need/want in a r/s?

On the feelings side I would say that your feelings seem healthy and authentic.  It sounds like you are listening to them... .that seems good.

Are your feelings and thinking agreeing... .or in conflict?

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

@takingandsending - [An aside] on my path, I have always been partial to Eastern philosophy.  While learning to cope with being married to uBPDw though, I grabbed onto Buddhist ideas like a life vest on the Titanic.  Practicing a little of the Buddha on my own helped me put away anger (feeling it and releasing it), and helped with so, so much more.  I'm still pledging my soul to Jesus (that said, I do feel a present resentment of organized and dogmatic religion), but, for how to deal with feelings, events, and relating to the world, I have benefited a great deal from meditation, reflection, and the Buddha.  Nothing is better for me surviving suffering.  

Back on track, I struggle with the idea of showing my kids a good relationship.  I have gone to lengths to explain boundaries.  I encourage, model, study, and teach about emotional intelligence.  But, when it comes to role modeling, I can't form the words saying something good about marriage or relationships, much less act it out.  So, I hope my kids do what I say and not what I do (stay and suffer in a emotionless void of a marriage).

Formflier - I've been turning over your question all day.  I have always been self-sufficient, and very much of a DIY kind of guy.  While that is great for fixing the car, house, yard, and even sports medicine, it's not good for the heart.  I have lost a good portion of awareness of what I need or want in a relationship.  Therefore, I don't know what I would ask for if I had a chance to ask.  I suppose that I think of the big three of a domestic relationship; food, sex, and money.  I wouldn't consider my wife any sort of a meaningful source for any of those.  Then there's companionship, empathy, comradery, support, or a feeling of being with someone you wanted to be with - and having that reciprocated - and again, I'm sort of drawing a blank when it comes to my marriage.  I just don't know.

[Sluggo]

SwazieeGamgee,

I am sorry for how you are feeling...   The feelings sound real and raw which you do a good job at verbalizing them. 

I was much more lonely and isolated in my marriage (I cut everyone off... .didn't want anyone to see the dysfunction) than when I left it

.

this quote by one of the other members, it is true.  I would cry myself to sleep so many times in my marriage.  I have been married 18 years, today is my 19th anniversary, but filed for divorce about 18 months ago.   My biggest source of loneliness - or maybe a sense of lack of relevance - has been the alienation of my kids.  However, I miss the fact that I don't have someone to have shared memories with.  That is the hardest.  Or it is hard when sitting in church and looking at couples together.  I also have to remind myself that I was that same couple in the pew with 7 kids that people thought my marriage was the ultimate example... .only in the public eye but not behind closed doors. 

However, I feel so much better.  I will be going good and then something out of the blue will hit me and cause sadness.  It doesn't last like it did at the begining.  Now it could be just that moment or carry on for a day or two. 

I also realized that I have to work at not being lonely.  I have to stretch my effort zone and comfort zone.  I have to look for opportunities to connect with people even if it is calling them up and asking just to go grab a beer or take a walk.  I would not ever done that when I was married (My wife would make it hell if I did) as she wanted the time all with her.  So I have taken responsibility in that.  that has included:  exercise class with others, playing weekely sand volleyball with people I didn't know but now do, signing up for a retreat on divorce, reaching out to old highschool friends that knew me before I got married... .they new my old self and not the depressive person I had become in my marriage, reaching out to family, going to see a movie or other entertainment by myself.  I am not ready for any romantic relationship and most of my 1 -1 time has been with guy friends. 

Great advice I got from a Deacon in our Church is that ... .marriage can be used as a weapon by some (our BPD spouse) as they know they can treat us however they want and we will not leave as we do not want the 'divorce'.  The church I go to (Catholic) has a great wisdom in understanding of marriage... .  people with a personality disorder, addictions, etc at the time of making the vows 19 years ago had to have been cognitively fully aware of the choice they were making -ie marriage for life.  A person with a personality disorder is unable to do that.  That is, the person did not have the capacity to fully commit to the marriage from the beginning at that there was not ever a sacramental bond... .meaning that an annulled marriage is considered to be invalid from the beginning almost as if it had never taken place. 

For what it is worth, that gave me a sense of peace. 

[RedPill]

Good stuff Sluggo, especially the comments about missing shared memories and seeing other couples together. Those points resonate with me as well. I also felt extraordinarily "alone" within my marriage and am hopeful for healthier social relationships going forward. Even the partial detachment I have felt so far is better. It's hard to push through, but there's hope!
--
RP

[SamwizeGamgee]

I've had good success being alone while married.  I'm a distance runner, so that's hours every weekend to myself.  I'm also starting to go out for my own hobby interests every so often.  I take the kids to all kinds of stuff, they are fun company.  I do share your feelings of being awkward in church - a church that drums in family values left and right.  And we look like a pretty good family unit to the outside.  If only they knew.  On that note though, because of my situation, I have a new belief to never judge another couple as happy.  If I can appear happily married to someone else, then I bet I am no judge of anyone else.  For all I know there is no such thing, and we are all just faking it.  I can't conceptualize a happy marriage, at all, and I guess for now that makes it easier.  I'm insulated from thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

I do recognize and feel sad that 20 years ago I traded in my freedom and independence (and happiness) for what was supposed to be companionship, intimacy, belonging, trust, and a safe haven at home.  Now I've gotten none of the benefits of freedom, independence, nor companionship, intimacy or any other significant benefit of marriage.   And I make enough money to live well, yet sleep in the basement.

What I am thinking about most is how alone I am in the decision for divorce or not.  There's not really a group or person I can go to one-on-one that gives support.  This online forum and others have literally been priceless.  But, at the end of the day, it's me alone.

[PeteWitsend]

I feel you samwize.  as you know I'm recently going through this same thing.

before and after I discussed my decision with my wife, I felt horribly alone, wandering around the house aimlessly, thinking it's not going to be our house very much longer, & wondering what the future held.  It was a cold, awful feeling. 

it helped that eventually I called some family members I trusted who knew what I was dealing with, (having themselves been on the sharp end of my wife's attacks on occasion) and they were reassuring about my decision. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thanks. In a weird way, both of us knowing we are alone makes us not alone. 

[ozmatoz]

I feel you samwize.  as you know I'm recently going through this same thing.

before and after I discussed my decision with my wife, I felt horribly alone, wandering around the house aimlessly, thinking it's not going to be our house very much longer, & wondering what the future held.  It was a cold, awful feeling. 

Right here with you guys.  We built a beautiful new house, just had a pool put in, neighborhood is full of awesome people and kids... .but it really is just a house of cards.  I have a few friends that have seen behind the curtain, but they are "couples friends" so they really don't want to pick sides in fear of alienating our children's friendships.  Every time I pull into the garage I see all of this stuff that I have to walk away from... .  One thing that does help me though is on the shelves in front of where I park is all my camping gear that has been collecting dust for 17 years.  Yes its probably all garbage now but it reminds me of the life and myself that I lost... I look forward to finding myself again.

While you may be alone making the ultimate choice, you are not alone in the journey... .

Good luck,
-Oz 

[takingandsending]

One thing that does help me though is on the shelves in front of where I park is all my camping gear that has been collecting dust for 17 years.  Yes its probably all garbage now but it reminds me of the life and myself that I lost... I look forward to finding myself again.

Don't give up hope on that old camping gear! After finally separating from my xw this spring, I did take that old camping gear and my 2 sons out and had a great time. And I rarely had the freedom to do that when I lived with xw, and I paid dearly for the times that I was "allowed" to go out and "enjoy myself."

New memories will replace the old ones. New photos will record the life you now have (back). I know how hard this is right now, but it really can and does get better.

[ozmatoz]

Thank you, how spot on that comment... ."I paid dearly for the times I was "allowed" to go out and enjoy myself."

Years it has been like that.  Even when she would take the kids to her mothers for a few days during the summer, if I went out to dinner (with or w/o friends) oh man I would hear it... .

Damned if you do damned if you don't.  I'm happy for you that you were able to get out!

There is hope, now keep building those memories!

-Oz

[SamwizeGamgee]

I discovered a saying about ten years ago.  "My wife's not happy unless I'm not happy." 

I think it's a joke, but, back in the day, it seemed like I'd get grudging 'permission' to do things - and then guilted over and over for getting to do whatever I wanted, while she had to stay home and [blah blah blah].  I figured that it was just a normal wife function.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samwize, Of course there's a kernel of truth in that saying, because those w/BPD require a certain amount of drama that arises when there's conflict in the air and their partner is unhappy.

A friend once mentioned that he subscribed to the saying, "Happy wife; happy life."  To the contrary, I take the opposite view that putting one's wife first is the height of codependency.  Plus, a BPD spouse is never happy for long because no matter what one does, it is "never enough."

The starting point, I suggest, is self-love, which leads to self-acceptance, just as you are.  The Bible doesn't explicitly say "Love thyself," yet for me it's the foundation of my recovery.  On some level, I suspect that I married a pwBPD in part because I didn't love myself enough to avoid marriage to an abusive, emotionally-unstable person.

Divorce, needless to say, is a lonely decision and I can't tell you what to do.  I can recommend that you start from a place of self-love.  Sometimes one's mind and one's heart can pull in different directions, which is why I like to listen to my gut feelings, which emanate from one's core.  It's a different kind of thinking that I find helpful and might appeal to you given your interest in Buddhism.

LuckyJim

[Sluggo]

The starting point, I suggest, is self-love, which leads to self-acceptance, just as you are.  The Bible doesn't explicitly say "Love thyself," yet for me it's the foundation of my recovery.  On some level, I suspect that I married a pwBPD in part because I didn't love myself enough to avoid marriage to an abusive, emotionally-unstable person.

Lucky Jim, 

Great point.  It applies to me. thanks for being able to put that into words. 

[talking rose]

Filing for divorce was the hardest decision I ever had to make, and, like you said, it was also the least supported.
I had to put on a strong front for my kids.
I had to ignore  my family who were quoting scripture and suggesting I reconcile.
I lost many friends who believed my husband's lies about me.
I lost two very close friends who felt uncomfortable by the drama.  I cried a lot about these.
I lost my entire in law family, whom I thought I was close to for the past 18 years.
And among my friends, most didn't understand what goes into the decision to divorce, and so I felt very alone indeed.
The only real support I got was from my few other divorced friends.  And, in a way, this made me feel so guilty for not being there for them fully when they were going through their divorces.  It's the kind of thing you can only understand when you go through it yourself.
My therapist validated all my choices, but didn't guide me in any way.
I felt completely alone in my decision and the aftermath.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Talking Rose - yes, I feel that too.  You covered all the bases.  And, about recognizing what your divorced friends went through before you is very true.  Until I started walking through my crucible of dawning BPD awareness - and most specifically that I was in an abusive relationship and suffered for it - I wouldn't have one-tenth the compassion I do now for abused spouses, hurt kids, and pathological homes. It's not real until we live it, I think.
Thank you for your comment.

LJ -coincidentally, I now have an involuntary sense of revulsion when I hear that quote "happy wife, happy life."  I know it means well, and should be true, but, I absolutely, foundationally, reject the advice now.

As for the pull of gut feelings, and thoughts, I'm looking at that now.  I have been paying renewed attention to my feelings.  I'm trying to stop my past pattern of locking away negative feelings, bashing them with self-doubt, and a sense of contractual duty and stoicism to stay married.  I am reading "Radical Acceptance" and a few other things that has helped me a lot with self awareness, validating feelings, and feeling them, and listening to the message.  As I work on it with me, I find I can suggest it to my kids too.  At first it was a shock when I meet their anger, or fear, or any emotion with comments encouraging them to feel the anger, fear, jealously, or whatever negative feeling - to feel it, pause, and think about it for a period of time.  It stunned them at first. It makes me realize how much we generally try to moderate, control, and censure feelings in kids especially. 
I'm trying, and that's my best for now. 
I've come a long way in self-care and self-compassion, an idea I probably would have mocked five years ago, as I tell myself to suck it up and keep going. 

[Lucky Jim]

Talking rose: I understand your pain about the aftermath of your divorce.  I lost a lot of "friends," too, and was totally shunned by my In-Laws.  So what?  They were not true friends and my In-Laws had no clue.  What's great is that it's a winnowing process whereby those who care stand by you, like separating the wheat from the chaff.

Samwize:  Keep up the good work validating your children's emotions.  I'm reading an excellent book, Expressive Writing, by James Pennebaker that's helping me a lot. The writing program is quite different from journaling or letter writing.  I have to laugh about "happy wife; happy life" because I don't subscribe to it, either, and like you, recoil from the concept. 

Yeah, I used to suck it up, too, which is how I used to cope.  Yet now it seems an inauthentic way of living.

LJ

[livednlearned]

Samwize,

Leaving a BPD marriage is a bit of a hero's journey, unfortunately. Things will get dark before they get light again, although you have front-loaded a lot of the work in many ways. For some of us, we reached a place of danger and darkness, and that provided the momentum to leave. The decision was essentially made for us. For you, I wonder if your journey is to see how much healing you can do within the marriage, until a point where it becomes clear what you are put here on earth to do.

More than the loneliness you mention, it seems like its having a choice that is tormenting you.

As for leaving, there will be a big shuffle when it comes to in-laws, friends, and the shuffle will be even more disruptive for the kids, although how they fare will have a lot to do with their individual temperaments. Again, your head start on relationship skills (toward yourself and others), including (and especially) the radical acceptance and validation of your kids' feelings, will go a long way to stabilizing them. You will lose money, no question.

The work you are doing on yourself makes it more likely you will recognize and attract a healthy partner once you have processed the divorce. At the stage you are at, you cannot even guess at what comes next. This is the upside to the darkest downside of the hero's journey, in my experience. I went right to the very, very bottom, the place I have forever been most afraid to go, way past loneliness, and just the physical wretchedness alone of that experience explains why we are so afraid to go there. It changed how I hear scripture.

And then the earth continued to spin on its axis and I reached out to people and loved ones (the ones who stood by me) and things began to get easier. I heard a quote along the lines of, "depression is holding on, sadness is letting go." Feeling the sadness made it possible to let go of everything, including a bunch of raw pain that bubbled to the surface, more than the bad feelings I experienced in my marriage, which is saying a lot.

Being able to survive that gave me something that no one can ever take away. I'm not a psychologist but I think what I have now is my "self." I wasn't able to get there in my marriage, it required leaving to figure it out. I would do it all over again, just for that gift alone.

Your journey is alone, and it is lonely, and that is a combination of chains and wings.

Maybe what you are doing right now is to scaffold the bits and pieces you need in place for when things are very clear. Maybe you are pacing your hero's journey and making sure you have the right skills so you don't waste a perfectly good crisis without learning from it  

Go easy on yourself. You are doing things at exactly the pace that is right for you. I admire how you are handling all of these major league decisions.

LnL

[Lucky Jim]

LnL:  Great post!  Yes, I reached that place of "danger and darkness" at which point I had no choice but to leave, so you're right that the decision was essentially made for me.  Samwize, on the other hand, has a different path that is probably just as difficult to navigate.  When the time comes to go, I think it's a gut feeling that you sense in your core.

Being able to survive that gave me something that no one can ever take away. I'm not a psychologist but I think what I have now is my "self." I wasn't able to get there in my marriage, it required leaving to figure it out. I would do it all over again, just for that gift alone.

Right, that is the payoff after a lot of pain.  I lost my "self" for a while there in my marriage to a pwBPD, which was not fun and was actually quite frightening to me.  Recovery of one's "self" is a gift that is hard to place a value on.  I'd do it again, too.  Now I strive to be authentic, which is my go-to position when questions come up.

Agree, it's a lonely place at times, yet it leads to new growth and greater happiness.

LJ

[Panshekay]

SamwizeGamgee... .you have come so far I want to reach out and give you a hug. My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful "plugged" in parent and its clear you want only the best for your children. The final decision to divorce is lonely, we have to have faith that one day all will be well.  When I read what everyone has to say as a mother of a son who is going through this you all give me hope. You know there are so many people going through this it's unbelievable. Thank you all for sharing your stories, for without hope we have nothing.

[RedPill]

Thanks everyone for the insights in the last few days of posts here. Samwize, I believe the consideration and introspection you are doing going into making your decision is incredibly valuable. You are such a strong person to look this monster in the face, admit that something is wrong, and contemplate how to address it. I was abruptly discarded after years of denial and trying to fulfill the unhappy wife. I had a lot of catching up to do after the discard. Wherever your path leads, you are already on it.
--
RP

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you all for the comments.  I can follow, read, and post on bpdfamily for weeks, and then in one or two days, comments like the above from just one day seem to make a landslide of difference.  I watched a video of an iceberg being "born" and it feels like I'm in that moment - not the final end, but a good breakthrough...   Something big is breaking away, and it's necessary and good.  (no comment about global warming or melting glacial ice other than the visual.  Impressive video).
I'm going to re-read and think about your comments, and thank you all again. 

And yes, one of my predicaments is the choice and consequences of my options.  I have not been handed a (currently) raging wife, adulteress, drug addict, or some other clear-cut motivation to divorce, but, I am nevertheless, faced with choice.  I feel the slow-burn, insidious, softly-hidden pervasive abnormality of a marriage to someone with both good and evil traits.  I bear the consequences either way, stay or go, and I feel the weight on my shoulders.  Thanks for pointing that out and understanding. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sam, I wonder if there is any sort of middle ground between staying/leaving that might help you sort out your thoughts.  For example, could you spend a weekend away by yourself w/friends or family?  Is there another place where you could stay from time-to-time?  Do you have a mentor or close friend/family member with whom you could confide?  It seems like you are more or less in a holding pattern, which is an enervating place to be.  I should know, because I did it myself for many years!

LJ