Caught and Fell into the Endless Pit, Now Looking for the Way Out

[Edenalterego]

Hello all, this is my first post here at BPD Family. I would like to introduce a little on my background just so you can assess my situation and provide more detailed insights. If you don't want to read all of these, please just skip to the red bold part. Thank you so much.

I won't dig into details here so please do ask if you need further info. My parents divorced when I was younger, my father has BPD and my mother has NPD, and I resulted in developing co-dependency. Later on in life, I became involved and got into a relationship with a NPD woman (so typical to date a person who resembles one of your parents) and all hell broke lose. I learned in depth about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as my own co-dependency. I am naturally a caregiver and an empath, which I understand can easily be taken advantage of if not careful and can attract all types of PDs. Long story short, I was deeply hurt by my ex-uNPD and took 2 years to self-heal.

About 6 months ago, I became involved with a self-aware BPD woman. She informed me that she has BPD and Schizophrenia prior to entering the relationship. She also informed me that she is "polyamory" by nature. The reason of why I put in quotation marks is not to question or shame those with polyamorous nature, but rather, I couldn't discern whether my BPDgf is simply using that term and idea to triangulate more easily.

I know I couldn't be a rescuer, or save her from her turmoil if she doesn't want to change herself. I was fooled? into thinking that perhaps there is hope because she is self aware and have been into therapy before. (She was not in therapy when I met her). She victimizes herself, blames her mother for her diagnosis (which I believe is true, but it also shows a lack of personal responsibility), possesses great shame and guilt and hate herself, and told me all about them. I know I should not have gotten involved with her, and that is my fault and now I see I have more work to do on myself. Perhaps I have childhood wounds still unresolved after getting involved with my NPDex, now I have to "date" my other parent (BPD) in order to resolve them all. Anyhow, I digress.

It's been only 3 months into the relationship, and although at first in the first month she seems to be the one to be pushing and wanting to do things together (aka moving together and asks about my preference with kids), in the second month she claimed that we "jumped in too fast" and that she couldn't trust me because there wasn't any foundation laid. She is also very hypocritical, for example, she substance abuses herself but if I drink a little she would get really upset. We already had our share of fights over both unimportant and important matters in the little time we are together (3 Months only!). She claims that I am very "forceful, stupid, and won't listen" to her. Apparently I have communication problems and that I just "don't understand her". She has done the infamous push and pull ON A TWO DAYS BASIS. So, if today she acts needy and caring and talkative, tomorrow she will act distant, apathetic, and withdraw. Needless to say, I am absolutely exhausted by this behavior and I want out. I have tried to talk to her numerous times about relationship values and setting my boundaries, and every time she blame shifts to me and said that "we aren't on the same wavelength and I just don't get her and maybe I should be more caring and understanding because of her mental illnesses". Prior to yesterday, I was always there for her when she's feeling needy. But when she's not feeling needy she just shows apathy and lack of interest to even talk about anything, resulting in me feeling used (almost like narc supply?). She is VERY manipulative, if I do something "right" she will "reward" me, and if I do something "wrong" in her eyes (perceived or real), she will withhold affection or attention and give me the silent treatment even when I might need support the most due to financial and family circumstances. She also will hint at abandoning ME when I text her less because I was busy; she would say, "I had a nightmare about you last night, you didn't listen to what I said and you continued to do it so I had to break up with you". Mind you, she sees me almost every other day because we work at the same work place. This is one of the very big reasons of why I still haven't break it off yet, because I don't know what to do at this point. We work together and HAVE TO talk to each other and see each other almost everyday, god knows  what's going to happen once I break up with her. Also, we share phone plans on a contract of 2 years (!stupid of me I know!), it happened because it's cheaper to do family plan and we were both looking for new provider at the beginning of our relationship. I don't know what the best course to take is because me and my pwBPD is entwined with work and finance as described. I am currently living by myself (rent), going to full time work, and will start university in September (full time as well), recently looking to buy a car, and pay ALL my expenses by myself. I can't afford to lose my job or end up paying for her phone bill for the next 2 years. I am pretty screwed if you ask me.

Now, pwBPD also told me she doesn't want to have sex and doesn't like to be touched. But god what a hypocrite, she's had sex with all her exes and even loved to make out with her friends, and she told me bluntly that she doesn't want to have sex with ME? And that I shouldn't take it personal and that's it's HER problem? She said she doesn't know how to say no to people so that I should never initiate anything with her or else she will feel hurt and just go along with it. I feel hurt upon hearing her saying this to me. I had sex with her once and she seemed to be enjoying it when it happened. Therefore I was confused, is this part of her emotional manipulation?


Now the fun part. Oh God. The polyamory. The... .Triangulation? This is the part where it hurts me the most. I am greatly in pain because of this. So please, anyone reading this, please read this and reply to this paragraph the most if possible.

Apparently before I was even in the picture, pwBPD has met this guy online who lives across the states, and he ALSO has BPD and is self-aware. They hit off SO WELL, according to the pwBPD, and that he "really gets and understands her" whereas I don't. pwBPD always talks to me about him, and how she wants to be in a relationship with him so bad and loves him so much. They have now known each other for a full year, and the guy with BPD told her that he doesn't want a relationship right now and just wants to "play" around and have fun. Just a little info here, pwBPD is OVERT BPD, aka the rage out, whereas the guy w/ BPD is COVERT BPD, aka the silent one. I feel like I am treated as a backup, because my pwBPD will do things that HE likes to do, draw things FOR him, talk to him during the course of the day, and told me that shes willing to have sex with him if he wants to. Needlessly to say I am dying inside. And to make matters worse they will be meeting up for the first time in person in ANOTHER STATE that I have never been to, for a whole week staying at her family's with him, and sleep together. This will take place in 2 weeks. Imagine how much pain this has inflicted me. Is this really polyamory? Or manipulation that I so don't want to admit? The guy with BPD also know that I exist if you care to know. Also, pwBPD told me that "she feels only weakly emotionally connected to me", whereas she's "strongly emotionally connected to him" and "cried many times for him".[/b] Does she really love him? Maybe she really loves him and not me. They've already talked for a whole year and she still idealizes him yet we've only dated 3 months and I am already getting all the devaluations. I am so confused. And should I break it off before she goes on the trip with him or after? I am lost. What should I think and do about this.

Therefore, with all these, I don't see why I should stay in a relationship where I get emotionally abused, physically neglected, and have no emotional or physical intimacy. I want to break up with her but I am attached. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I have a lot of things going on in my life right now, and am financially tied to her in a way. How do I go about with that? I work with her too... .and I can't lose or relocate my job... .

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate any help and advice, especially in regard to the pwBPD and the BPDguy. Maybe pwBPD truly loves him... .because he is BPD too... .both self aware. I want to die.

[Edenalterego]

I am torn between "I don't need anyone else trust me I am fine" and "I can't do this by myself I'm losing my mind".

[Joe77]

I can relate to this story because myself worked with the person with BPD. Tied financially and not knowing what she would do at work to destroy me or twist the truth. From what I read she has already detached from you ' a borderlines bed never gets cold' she is lining up the next victium idealizing him and putting all her efforts into this person. Your problem all together might be solved. This is gonna hurt but what might happen is she will go down there with him and return and move down there leaving you and her job which in all reality is the best for you. You deserve so much better. I know it hurts and the hurt is gonna get worse but it will make you stronger. You can get through this I am also a codependent and people with BPD chew us up and spit is out. Do you deserve to be lied to, manipulated, cheated on, gas lit, shamed no and it will only get worse. For your own sake detach if not force her to leave. She will show her true self at work just avoid and do not provoke her and go no contact.

[Edenalterego]

From what I read she has already detached from you ' a borderlines bed never gets cold' she is lining up the next victium idealizing him and putting all her efforts into this person. Your problem all together might be solved. This is gonna hurt but what might happen is she will go down there with him and return and move down there leaving you and her job which in all reality is the best for you.

You are right. She told me that she has already been considering moving out of state to be with her other family (not the same state he lives in), but who knows, maybe she might just fly to HIS state and stay with him if he lets her. Also, as soon as I told her we can't be together anymore, she told me she will quit her job soon (just so she won't have to work with me). I feel bad about that. Yet there is nothing I can do. Oh how I wish she would've stayed ... .I know I shouldn't think this way.

[Joe77]

In the idealization stage they treat us like gods and it boost our self worth because as codependents we have low self worth. So we are the most vulnerable to borderline and sociopaths, these folks don't deal with emotions like we do it actually the opposite. We are very empathic, where they have little to no empathy because of their up brininging. They choose not to get help and we can't save them, and as codependents we so desperately want to do that. the mirror stage they act like everything we like they like. But later you find out they didn't. They groom us from  the beginning. Look if you have not signed over your house or car don't have children and are not married you are a lucky man and one day you will thank yourself. Trust your gut on this one not you ur head because our heads are codependent and fear loneliness. You have to break the codependency to prevent people with these disorders from taking advantage of us. That's what I am doing focused on yo push through the depression.

[Edenalterego]

It's absurd how I know I did the right thing breaking it off. She didn't care and told me she would never come back to me because I ended it. Some voice in me said "maybe you could've worked it out with her, maybe she isn't all that bad"

I know that's my codependency talking.  Joe, thanks for the support. I will continue to try to be strong and same goes to you man. I hope we get through this together.

Eden