leaving denial

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi ! I am new on this board, I have been with my husband for 5 years. We met in a 12 step recovery program. I will give the readers digest version of this roller coaster relationship from HELL   . It is the typical BPD, he swept me off my feet and I feel in love quick and hard. I started catching him in lies about talking to other women, while telling me he loved me. He convinced me that it was unfinished business and we were only seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We got into a big fight and he went M.I.A. for a week. He came back and begged me back . This pattern of leaving has been a constant the entire relationship. I have caught him drinking and using the entire time. He always denies it until I have solid proof, I mean he will lie, lie, lie. Then after he can not deny it, he admits (what ever bad behavior ) it is that he is doing, and that I catch him at. He gets angry and rages, blames me and then runs away from home. Last summer he left and I lost all hope. when he wanted to come home I did not let him. I went through his stuff and found a DRs diagnose of BPD... .He went to the VA and said he was suicidal. Long story short, he came back. He has been saying he is clean. I doubt it very much. I know he is up to his same old tricks. I think he is seeing a woman and possible in other illegal behavior. I want him to leave my our house. I am being very nice and telling him it is a separation. I have been in therapy and reading about this mental illness. I am in denial and go in and out of reality. I think at times I am crazy and then I get overwhelmed and shut down. NOTHING in my world seems accurate. I dont know what to do! Please GELP

[confused4now]

Hi ! I am new on this board, I have been with my husband for 5 years. We met in a 12 step recovery program. I will give the readers digest version of this roller coaster relationship from HELL   . It is the typical BPD, he swept me off my feet and I feel in love quick and hard. I started catching him in lies about talking to other women, while telling me he loved me. He convinced me that it was unfinished business and we were only seeing each other for a couple of weeks. We got into a big fight and he went M.I.A. for a week. He came back and begged me back . This pattern of leaving has been a constant the entire relationship. I have caught him drinking and using the entire time. He always denies it until I have solid proof, I mean he will lie, lie, lie. Then after he can not deny it, he admits (what ever bad behavior ) it is that he is doing, and that I catch him at. He gets angry and rages, blames me and then runs away from home. Last summer he left and I lost all hope. when he wanted to come home I did not let him. I went through his stuff and found a DRs diagnose of BPD... .He went to the VA and said he was suicidal. Long story short, he came back. He has been saying he is clean. I doubt it very much. I know he is up to his same old tricks. I think he is seeing a woman and possible in other illegal behavior. I want him to leave my our house. I am being very nice and telling him it is a separation. I have been in therapy and reading about this mental illness. I am in denial and go in and out of reality. I think at times I am crazy and then I get overwhelmed and shut down. NOTHING in my world seems accurate. I dont know what to do! Please GELP