With the Discard Phase, He Wants me Gone Immediately

[FlawedDesign]

Hi all,

Have been together in a long marriage with my BPD/NPD husband.  Did not know in all the early years what it was.  These problems were kept in check for a long time because I jumped to his every wish and command, trying to keep our children safe.  Then he snapped, several years ago.  Real Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde transformation.  Severely ugly.  I thought I was witnessing evil.  He also began to impulsively and frivolously call police with false allegations against me at this time, then he forced our children to phone police on their own mother.  It was hideous. I saw my children break down and sob at this. 

He announced divorce very soon into this breakdown of his.  Then he told me that he wanted me gone by the next day.  No legal niceties, just "Get the F--k out of my house, and don't let me ever see you again."  He added that the four children, the house, the car, all our belongings and joint accounts were his, his, all his.  It was as if I had no rights whatsoever, once the Lord and Master had decided that from that point forward, I was not allowed to exist.

He changed his mind after some terrible abuse, but then he made another divorce announcement more recently.  Same thing.  He went so far as to put in false allegations to get a restraining order against me this time, to be "rid" of my presence.  I fought it.  I have read about these sudden discards.  Is this typical? 

FD

[ozmatoz]

I'm not sure if it's typical, but I have also been going through this for the past month or so. When she splits and paints me black all I hear from her is screaming at me to "Get the F-k out!" And that everything is hers. Our house, kids, dogs, cars, even our mutual friends have been deemed "hers". The only thing she wants from me is to pay all her bills. If I have to live with my parents, cardboard box, or someone's couch too bad for me. Also I better get a second job because she's decided to take the kids to Mexico for Christmas and Paris for spring break... .(without me of course). If I don't agree to this, she'll have me arrested and get me fired... .

Truly maddening. Makes you just want to run for the hills sometimes.
I have no advice, I need some too, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Be well,
-Oz

[FlawedDesign]

Hi Oz,

Thank you for your kindness.  There are a number of us out here going through this Narcissistic abuse.  It has been the most shocking episode of my life, actually.  It is said that the overly caretaking/self-sacrificing types attract these Narcissists.  In other words, the Golden Rule does not always work, unfortunately.

NPDs are heavily into control and domination, whether they be male or female.  It is an equal-opportunity disorder.  They have very shallow relationships, and near zero human empathy.  Their targets can be reduced to pulp.  No matter how many years you may have been with them, they can forget you in an instant, as if you and your history together never existed.  Some people have called it "demonic possession" when an NPD type is triggered and has a meltdown.  I very much agree.

I would caution you to beware of Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting (PA/PP), since you mention you have children.  You will never forget this condition, if it touches your life.  See the work of Dr. Craig Childress in particular, as well as Stanley Clawar, Richard Warshak, Linda Gottlieb and Amy J.L. Baker.  In essence, an NPD parent teaches the children to hate the other parent, and breaks their attachment bond (John Bowlby).  Does the children no end of severe emotional damage, and ensures that the parent-child relationship with the targeted parent will be broken, often beyond repair.  These kids also end up with a much higher rate of suicide than normal.  They become narcissistically abusive to the targeted parent.  See some of my other postings for this.

Yes, years of my life and contributions were wiped out in seconds when my husband had his Narcissistic meltdown.  He made good on many of his threats too.  This is hideous stuff, truly.

I wish you the best in dealing with it, Oz.  Maybe we can exchange questions/updates from time to time.

FD

[Red5]

@FlawedDesign & ozmatoz

Please know that neither of you are alone in your situations, As you say, many of us are currently, and have been through this abuse by our mates, both short term, and as well very long term relationships, marriages lasting two decades or more even, I was up late last night, as I usually am while I am colored black, shut out, and sleeping on the couch… Inventorying all the “things” she has said to me in the last day… and for what, why am I in the dark again, I really don’t even remember anymore, but I came across this video on the you tube, I have learned a whole lot in the last year or so, now that I have been with my second marriage for 6+ years now, and in this relationship for 10 (years)… Everything this lady talked about rung true, and I was able to see the exact scenarios she spoke of being played out in my relationship… I have here the url for the link below , thought I would share, FlawedDesign, you said… “ It is said that the overly caretaking/self-sacrificing types attract these Narcissists”… Wow !… that’s me !… I attract this, it seems, I tried to save my first wife, and it almost did me in… Then there was a girlfriend for a while after we divorced, also now I see she had these behavior disorders, she even tried to warn me off, Then I met my current wife, (long story)… So please take good care of yourselves,  as things can spiral out of control quickly,don’t make any rash decisions out of anger, or fear, be smart, learn all you can, BUT protect to yourself, protect what you have earned, don’t lose yourself in all this, because your children need you to be strong, and what you have earned is their security, and safety… again, know that you are not alone, keep us posted, and stay safe !… Hope this video helps some, v/r Red5

[FlawedDesign]

Hi Red5,

Thanks so much for your reply.  The video was helpful too; I appreciated that link.

When this all began, I wasn't sure what I was dealing with in my husband.  The marriage had never been what you would call reciprocal  --  I knew that I had to lick his boots and take blame for everything, if I wanted a peaceful home for our children.  So I did.  I would have done a huge amount for them.  I love my kids intensely, though right now, they are in the clutches of their father's Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting.  Long story. 

You have to watch for Narcissistic Personality Disorder if the going gets really rough.  Some BPDs have an overlap with NPD, as they are both in the same category of disorders.  Google "Narcissistic Abuse."  There are many sites.  A triggered NPD will not only discard you in the blink of an eye, even after many years, but will very likely follow that with false allegations and a Smear Campaign, both.  Their favorite allegations are child abuse, sexual abuse, and gaslighting you with accusations of virulent mental illness (huh!).  Watch out, as these allegations can ruin one's life.  An NPD would be happy to do that. 

There is what might be called a Law of Attraction, for want of a better term.  Or call it a relationship dynamic.  Co-dependents/caretakers/self-sacrificers tend to attract the opposite, as in Narcissists.  Happens over and over, until you realize your own pattern in life, and work to get out of it.  I would recommend "Human Magnet Syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg.  Also try "Re-inventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young, which is about schemas, or what he calls lifetraps.  The Self-sacrificer is one. 

I always find it sad to tell people not to be so good and self-sacrificing (isn't that what we always try to teach our children to be?), but f you love everyone EXCEPT yourself, you pay an enormous price.  Hugely unfair, but I didn't create human beings; I can only point out what seems to be the human system.   

Protect yourself, RED5.  Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Lots of info. through Google.  Try "The Narcissistic Life."

Best wishes,

FD

[Red5]

@FlawedDesign,

Yes, I have done quite a lot of reading in regards to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, some things fit in my r/s, and some things do not, it’s like a scattered puzzle with piece’s missing (?), a while back I came across the “waif, queen, witch” theory… quite interesting.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

There has got to be a comparison to relate to the male pw/BPD & NPD (waif, queen, witch), perhaps; “gamin, king, dictator”…

I myself have been accessed many times as being “passive aggressive”… Most likely born out of growing beyond my u/BPD wife’s control, and no longer being afraid of the never ending egg shells, and trip mines… Maybe as well the former Marine in me is responsible for this “sarcastic back talk” behavior of mine, of late.

Again, thank you for the information, and leads, Please take good care, and don’t get lost in this, I learned a long time ago, if the SO in the r/s ever says “get out”… then you MUST not go, don’t leave, it’s your home too, you have rights, and they should not be trampled upon, v/r Red5,

[FlawedDesign]

Thanks Red5, but when they demand that you get out, and follow it up with wicked false allegations to get restraining orders or sole possession of the home, then you will be forced to leave, like it or not.  NPDs are viciously revengeful and destructive people, who will use any trick to keep the control.  They have no problem seeing their target reduced to ashes, as long as they get their way.  I also recommend the series of books (Amazon) by H.G. Tudor, a self-professed NPD type.  What he says about NPD and those who have it chills the blood. 

FD

[ozmatoz]

FD, this is what I fear the most now.  It has become apparent that my wife also has some NPD traits.  She has previously told me she would do "whatever it takes" to get me out, even self-harm for false police reports.  I finally got one of these statements on video which set off a crazy argument that scared my D16, she called the cops and wife was arrested.  Fortunately for the next few weeks she is under an enforceable no abuse order (violation results in mandatory 90 day prison stay no-bail) so the "threats" have subsided but the verbal trashing continues. 

Just this morning on our way to work in the garage she was yelling at me that she can find better and intends too.  I tried to validate and move the conversation that we can work together to achieve this "better" she keeps referring to.  Completely backfired and she just kept trashing me.  "Look at you, who the F would want you?  You have nothing to offer anyone.  I absolutely can find better, who wouldn't want me?  I'm beautiful, intelligent, sensual and loving... oh I can do better than you, you will never do better than me."  I had been up all night being yelled at (do these people ever sleep?) so I finally cracked and started laughing at her.  I asked her if she really thought she was God, or God's gift to men... .and she looked right at me an confidently said yes and her body language really makes me think she believes it!

My T says this is just going to continue and get worse.  Problem, is for better or worse, she really is an attractive woman and would have no problem ensnaring someone to use as a club to hurt me.  These types can be so charming in the beginning.

I'm looking at an apartment in town today (one that she sent me) but that has set off a whole more slew of problems.  If she's God then how dare someone leave her... .

Sleep when were dead right?

-Oz