we agreed to separate and divorce

[SamwizeGamgee]

Oz - Me too!
I know for certain that there are days where I am silently praying for the power just to be able to survive "one more hour" in my house, and hope to stay calm until I can get to be alone.  There are times that I am just barely able to hold in the repressed anger and hurt and remorse I feel being around my wife.  I'm screaming inside that I just can't take this any longer!

And then, there are days, usually when I'm busy with the kids or work, and I kind of forget it all - and life seems fine, albeit with an unusual marriage arrangement.

It reminds of when I have been sick, like with the flu, and you think you'd feel better if you got run over by a train or eaten by a bear or something.  And you can't remember what it was like to be able to raise your head without throbbing pain?
And you think to yourself, man, if my life is spared this time I will never take a day for granted if I can only open my eyes!
And days later, you get better and you think back, "huh, it was just a little cold, how could that be so bad?"

So weird.  Add to that that on "good" days my wife acts normal and says supportive stuff, and goes through all the normal day activities.  And I look at myself and ask "what is so bad?"

Stuck in the cycle!

[ForeverDad]

You know what she is desperate for right now... .for you to sign papers so her mother can come and be supported/sponsored by you.  That would be a multi-year obligation, right?  I would expect her mother to be a strong supporter for her, especially if there's a divorce.  Do you really want to be potentially obligated to support someone who is likely to help your spouse oppose you and your parenting?

I'm not saying her mother is a bad person, I'm saying the obligation is scary and could easily boomerang against you later.

Beware of her claiming, "If you loved me you would sign... ."  Here that's called FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

No, don't sign.  Have that as a boundary.  Not because your mother and family is being snubbed or blocked, rather because it just won't work.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Agreed.  The goal should be to work towards having your name and her name (your wife and her family) together on fewer and fewer legal documents as time goes on.  Make less together, not more.
Disentanglement.

[ozmatoz]

Oz - Me too!
I know for certain that there are days where I am silently praying for the power just to be able to survive "one more hour" in my house, and hope to stay calm until I can get to be alone.  There are times that I am just barely able to hold in the repressed anger and hurt and remorse I feel being around my wife.  I'm screaming inside that I just can't take this any longer!

This is so true, there are times I do just close my eyes and hope she leaves me alone long enough to eat dinner as a family, or to even take a shower.  The anger that boils within during her verbal puking of insults is starting to really bother me.  I know I can't give it back to her as it will just fuel the fire. I'm afraid that I will end up having a short temper with my employees or snap at friends or family.

Some days I just wish she would find someone else... .secretly wishing to be discarded.  That sounds so terrible... but I feel like "Lose the battle, win the war".

Be well,
-Oz

[formflier]

Something to consider.

Is it worth signing for the Mom to come in exchange for a "post-nuptial" agreement.

No idea what your finance situation is, or what you would like a divorce settlement to look like... .but... .when they want something from you, is a good time to get something from them.

Most states allow these... .probably good to check on that.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'd be very afraid of making mom's support part of the brokerage.  True, you can get something when you give something, but, the government won't care if ex-wife kept her side of the deal, but, will be keenly interested that OP keeps his side of the deal.  (and in my experience, disordered persons hear only what they want out of the deal - everything else is subject to reinterpretation later).

[formflier]

Which is exactly why I would only suggest is as part of a post nup.

Then it won't matter what the pwBPD remembers.

It will only matter was is in the agreement.

FF

[ForeverDad]

I see problems if subsidizing MIL in a legal form is done in any way.  Especially since I don't know what the limits are to being stuck in such an obligation.  How many years before it ends?

Financially... .What if MIL doesn't manage to find a job or keep a job?  Ponder that the marriage is over but you're still held to the terms of the government?

Family-wise... .What if MIL becomes (if not already) a supporter of her daughter?  Then you'd have many years to subsidize someone who is helping your ex to oppose you.

I would say to beware of adding to your obligations unless there are compelling reasons to do so.  You have legal and financial obligations for the next 15 years or so to your minor children.  You will forever be their father, a forever emotional bond.  But when your marriage ends that relationship is over unless there is some short term support.  Since most of us have limited finances and odds are that's your situation too, you would be smart to avoid starting obligations regarding your MIL who doesn't sound like she'll be a MIL for long anyway.

[PeteWitsend]

also: I did sign the letter of support for my MIL.  i couldnt see a way out of that and still work on the marriage... .which is wrong, but... .aaargh.

it's not that bad; at least I'm not primarily liable for support based on what i read, my wife is.  and it's not a lifelong obligation.