My daughter is running our house with fits of anger and verbal abuse

[JLLuvs2roc]

We are the parents of 2 beautiful teenage girls.  We adopted from the foster program when our girls were 7 and 9, they are half sisters.  Our girls were removed from their biological parents at 2 and 5 and have faced lots in their lives no child should have to face.

Our oldest daughter turned to drugs as an escape from her past and having to grow up; she is currently 18 (turning 19 soon) and facing the music for some  poor choices on her part.  She is doing well and trying to make up for mistakes she has made in the recent past.  I do believe she also needs some mental health assistance to deal with her past and drug issues but in the state we live in I can't force her to seek help .

Our younger daughter who is turning 17 next week is running our household into the ground with fits of anger and verbal abuse.  She has not lashed out physically at anyone recently but it would not surprise me if she did.  Last Friday morning she woke me up at 1 am and she raged until almost 4.  I have never seen or heard anyone curse like she does.  All it takes to set her into a tailspin (which is a kind term for her rages) is not letting her have her way or her perception that someone is getting to do something she is not. 

I am currently reading a book on BPD and it is like it is written about her... .so many pages describe her to a T!  We try not to react to her rages which at first would turn her behavior around fairly quickly but more recently not reacting has made her lash out more intensely... .we are lost!

My husband and I feel like we are living in constant threat... .and are looking for support or helpful advice.  We love our girls and want what is best for them but have little to no clue how to proceed... .and return some sense of peace to our home!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi JLLuvs2roc

Unfortunately both your daughters have had certain issues. Your oldest daughter is doing better now though which is great news after the problems she's had. You believe she does also need some mental health assistance. Is this something you have perhaps discussed with her? How does she feel about her past and healing?

Currently your youngest daughter is causing some serious problems in the home with her raging and verbal abuse. I find it interesting that you say she has not lashed out physically to anyone recently. Did she however lash out physically in the past? Do you feel physically safe around your youngest daughter?

As you get started here I strongly encourage you to take a look at the tools and lessons in the right-hand side margin of this board. You cannot change your daughters' behavior if they don't want to, but what you can do is change your own behavior and how you respond to them. The resources on this website can help with that.

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[wordsmither]

Since you adopted your girls out of foster care, you have access to all sorts of supports that wont cost you a dime - my daughter is currently in residential treatment, paid for by her home county.  See if you can find a therapist in your area who has successfully worked with kids from the foster care system - they can help you navigate services.  You can also call the AAP program for your daughter's home county, our your current counties mental health department.  Good luck!

[bpdexhausted]

there are no easy answers unfortunately but welcome to this site and community. use the resources and know you are not alone. yours in sympathy. BPD exhausted