Reaching our for support

[4hddandme]

Not sure if I'm doing this correctly but I am reaching out to others who are experiencing the pain, sadness and anger of trying to stay with someone you love whose words and actions would indicate that they don't feel the same. Need support from others to help me believe and keep believing I'm not to blame or crazy myself.
I need to find a reason to hope if there is one.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pops26]

Hello 4hddandme - I feel like I can relate to what you're going through, at least on some levels.
My wife of 11 years was recently diagnosed with BPD after years of a seemingly less accurate diagnosis of depression.
On the plus side, she is getting DBT treatment and has re-engaged in taking her depression meds (after quitting them cold turkey for a second time), all of which provides me with hope.
On the negative side, every day consists of her threatening to "give up", saying that that she can't do this and doesn't want to live anymore, or wants to go away and not come back, followed by threats of separation and/or divorce.  Despite the way I have re-organized my life to try to be supportive, she looks at any moments when I fall short of being exactly what she needs (even when she admits she doesn't know what she needs) as an indication that I don't really care and that I'm not there for her.  If I had hair, I would have pulled it out by now.  It's maddening, it's frustrating, it's lonely and it's scary.
I wonder sometimes why I do it.  I have given up on the hope that my needs will be met any time soon, or that the person I want to live most will care at all about me outside of how it relates to her.  And yet, I find myself holding on to this idea, this notion, that she can and will improve, and we can re-learn each other and pursue the relationship and marriage that we wanted when we first got together.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that's possible, but I'm holding on, trying to focus on the excitement of getting to know her again.
I do what I can to stay vigilant, to try to be honest with myself about her limitations and what I think she is really capable of doing in the face of this condition (or whatever the proper term is).
It's hard though.  It's really hard.
I guess my point is, if you don't mind some suggestions from me... .if you have hope and you want to have hope then hold onto that and know that there are many people who can relate in some ways.
And at the same time, take care of yourself as best you can and try to check in with yourself honestly about what's best for you.

I would love to say that I'm in this all the way, without fail, no matter what, without condition - but I also know that I have to recognize that I may have a breaking point at which self-care will overtake any of the compassion I have learned to feel.

I hope that makes sense and provides some manner of... .something.