Concerned over the children

[BEC212]

Hello everyone, I was looking for advice for my two stepdaughters to be. They are 10 and 7 and they live with their mom half the week who has BPD. The oldest in particular is already showing extreme signs of anxiety and dependency. Changing custody isn't on the table right now, so are there any tips or advice anyone has to support them when they are at our house that does not include talking about their mom? We don't villainize her, but we want them to grow up strong and independent thinking. They still sleep with their mom in bed, the oldest has started pulling her eyelashes and eyebrows out, and she takes a caretaker role at her mom's who is always "sick". Help! I'm very worried. Their mom is mostly a sweet victim with them but she has gone off at me and their dad on two separate occasions in the past year with girls standing their crying, petrified.

[Panda39]

Hi BEC212,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm just stopping by briefly on a break from work but did want to suggest Validating your step daughters feelings, ask them questions about what they think about things, talk through the situations that are difficult for them and yes don't do mom bashing.

Below is a book that I thought was good, it's common sense but has good reminders and suggestions for approaches on talking with the girls.

Are the girls receiving any therapy at all?  That might be a good option, someone neutral to talk with and get some coping skills from.  Just make sure the Therapist has knowledge of BPD my Significant Other's (SO's) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) would boundary bust and crash the Therapy sessions of their daughters with the first Therapist they had but was not able to do that with the second.

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn D. Hall & Melissa Cook

I've gotta run but I know other members will be along soon with more ideas and suggestions.

Panda39

[bunny4523]

Hi,

I know how difficult this situation can be. I think talking about it really does help.  These kids see more than they realize, they understand something is off... .that there is instabilitiy and hyper emotions happen in one household.  We just talk through the incident and offer compassion/empathy but remind the girls to not take responsibility for their mom's feelings.   It is up to mom to decide how she chooses to react to the feeling.  And that she isn't always going to make the right choice but that's ok too.  I think it is important for the kids to not feel in the middle and think they have to pick a side.  If you are empathetic towards mom's feelings then they don't have to take a side. Even if her actions are not the best.  Kids can see that... .they  If mom attacks you verbally and you are ok, the kids WILL be ok.  If it breaks you then the kids feel broken.  Make sense?  the biggest challenge we have is the victimizing where my husband and I are the target villian.  It's so hard to keep the emotion out of it when mom is attacking us but telling the kids we are attacking her. 

ughhh my heart goes out to these kids
Bunny

[Harri]

Hi. 

Provide the kids with a safe, validating place where they can relax and be kids.  It may be hard to get them to relax as it sounds like they are pretty enmeshed with mom in terms of caretaking and worrying about her.  When I was very young and away from my mother, I was always worried and wanted to go back so I could keep an eye on things and help her.  Not an easy place to be, either for the kids of for you.  As suggested above, if you can get them in counseling it can help a lot.

Sleeping with mom at their ages goes along with the helpless, waif like BPD who uses their kids as a source of security, and comfort.  Other co-oparents have talked aobut that here on the board.  I am unsure how to address that, but if you can try to get it to stop (I know, I am not help here at all.  I am hoping someone else will jump in and talk about various options for dealing with this).  If nothing else, see if you can consult with a psychologist to learn about the damage that can occur and to figure out how to stop/mamage it with bio mom.

One other comment I want to make is that while the mother may be a "mostly sweet victim" with the girls, it is still abuse and as damaging as when she rages.  The sweet victim can be/is highly manipulative and the covert abuse is harder to identify and harder to combat.

I wish you and yours luck with this and I am glad the girls have someone who cares about what happens to them and is aware of things.

[livednlearned]

They still sleep with their mom in bed, the oldest has started pulling her eyelashes and eyebrows out, and she takes a caretaker role at her mom's who is always "sick".

Are the girls getting any therapy? If changing custody isn't an option, is there any way you can order a psychiatric evaluation, especially for the child who is pulling out her eyelashes?

They sound very parentified, which is common for kids with BPD moms. Without therapy, their psychological and emotional development is going to be stunted

Validation will go a long way to giving them something they probably don't get from their mom.

Panda's suggestion for Power of Validation is excellent. I would add the Lundstrom's "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better." There's an important chapter on asking validating questions that will help the girls learn to identify themselves as accountable. This is a building block for independence.

And if you are concerned about the girls developing BPD, BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre is excellent. It's not certain that the girls will develop BPD but you want to have some understanding of what to look for as early warning signs.

What kinds of things do the girls say about their mom when they are with you? How is your relationship with them? Maybe we can help brainstorm some ways to respond when they talk about stuff with you.