Introduction

[shellshock]

I’m a single mom trying to learn how to cope with my 19 y.o. daughter, who is off-the-charts brilliant, completely irrational and illogical, beautiful, creative, borderline, bipolar, bulimic currently - previously anorexic, self-harming, and so, so very angry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harley Quinn]

Hi shellshock and Welcome! 

You clearly love your daughter very much and are in the best place to talk about all of the things you face here, as there are lots of other parents who will be able to share their experiences with you and relate to your situation.  I'm really glad that you found us. 

Would you like to tell us a little about your daughter's behaviour and diagnoses?  What professional support does she and yourself receive? 

It is very difficult when you love someone who is very angry.  What ways does she express this anger?  You mention self harming as one of the ways she has found release in the past.  I've lived with this with my partner and it's very upsetting.  I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced this.   One of the things I'd say is that it's really important to not forget yourself in all of this and that looking after your own well being will give you the strength you need to continue giving the support to her that you are.

You will find plenty of help here, including some fantastic tools and lessons, so do take a good look around and read others' posts.  I'd encourage you to start with the lessons here on the right of the board as a good way to see what you can do to help yourself and your daughter's relationship become a little easier for both of you.  Things can be better, and the fact that you're reaching out for help gives me hope that it will for you.

You're not alone.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

   

[shellshock]

Hi, Harley Quinn.
Thank you for your response.  I only saw it just the other day; and then, I had to gather up the strength and will to respond.  I’m sure you understand how hard it is to re-hash everything in your head.

My daughter has always been a difficult child: textbook colic as an infant and very strong-willed as a toddler.  Even before she could talk, I used to say, “If I told her to breathe, I think she would hold her breath and pass out.”  I tried to provide an environment of structure and security, giving her limited choices to give her some sense of control, but apparently it wasn’t enough. 

One time, I forget how old my daughter was, I was putting her to bed (which typically included reading her a story, saying prayers, and lying down and chilling together a bit)….I told her that I didn’t want her to keep getting up, and she asked, “But what if I get a bloody nose?”  Mind you, she was not a kid who got bloody noses frequently where this might be a concern.  I told her not to worry, her nose wasn’t going to bleed, and I left the room.  Sure enough, a little bit later, she had a bloody nose.  To this day, she denies making her nose bleed.

When I was pregnant with my second child, her behavior worsened.  At the time, her father and I spoke with a therapist who said she probably had Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  I forget why we didn’t follow through with therapy, but we had decided to hold off.  Things pretty much remained status quo, our BP daughter was very sociable in all situations (maybe even a little too “on”, if you know what I mean.)  She was -and is- very bright, but didn’t really excel in school, only doing what she had to in order to get by.  There were always more important and interesting things for her to spend her time on.  She was a voracious reader, writer, artist, etc.  Once, she read a book about 1000 paper cranes and proceeded to make 1000 origami paper cranes.

Things really declined when my husband left in 2009.  It was more or less “out of the blue,” and we were all really having a hard time coping with it.   My BP daughter became more argumentative, more challenging, and tried to take her father’s place as co-parent (even though he was still in the picture).  She resented my telling her that I did not want her advice on how to parent my younger daughter (who has Asperger’s) or how to address certain matters with my ex-husband.  I suggested my daughter see a therapist to discuss her feelings about the divorce and having a sister with “special needs.”  She fought tooth and nail not to go, but our fighting and the tension in the home only increased to the point where I demanded she see someone.  In order to reduce the arguing, I even drew up a contract of what I expected from her and with her input, what she expected from me.  It didn’t last.

She went from therapist to therapist, sabotaging all along.  Her excuses ran the gamut: which one was stupid, which one was in league with me to “change her personality,” etc. etc.  She began cutting.  She became anorexic, dropping down to 94 lbs.  I took her to the pediatrician, nutritionist, psychiatrist, psychologist, you name it.  Eventually came the diagnosis of BPD and bipolar.  She was non-compliant with medications and treatment.  An evaluation at a place that provided intensive outpatient group therapy for BPs stated they didn’t think she was appropriate for their setting and recommended a transitional residential program.  Her father and I gave her an ultimatum:  go to the residential program or we will call 911 and have her committed during the next crisis.  She went to the program and was expelled a week or two early for “caretaking” behavior she had been told to cease.

Since then, she has been tattooing/piercing herself, burning her arms, binging and purging, sleeping in friends’ dorm rooms/in her car in the university parking lot; she has tried living with her father for a few months; and, she continues to refuse to seek any professional help.  She won’t even go to the dentist.  I can see her pain just by looking at her.  Her appearance is a wreck; her room is a wreck; her car is a wreck.  When she walks in the room, my entire body clenches in anticipation of the fallout.  She says things to her sister such as “I will stab you in the neck.  I will gladly kill you in your sleep.”  Sometimes she comes home, sometimes she doesn’t.  Sometimes she lets me know, sometimes she doesn’t.   Although it breaks my heart when she is not home, part of me is relieved.  She drops hints here and there of problematic behavior and situations, almost seemingly trying to provoke me; but when I used to offer advice she would shoot it down;  when I recommended she see a doctor or therapist, her reply was “The more you tell me to go see someone, the less I want to go.”  So, I sit here and do nothing, say, “Oh, yes.  That’s sounds terrible.”

She is home for today.  She has been looking for a place to live with friends.  I told her I think it will be good for her to get some space from me and her sister and it will give her a sense of accomplishment to “support herself,” so to speak.  I even offered to pay for her car insurance to give her some financial breathing room.  I don’t have the means to do anything more, but I also think she needs to do this for herself.   

[Harley Quinn]

Hi shellshock,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  It's certainly been a bumpy road for you both and I commend you for all of your efforts to help your daughter.  The 1000 cranes sound amazing!  She is clearly very gifted. 

So, I sit here and do nothing, say, “Oh, yes.  That’s sounds terrible.”

That sounds like some good validation!  How have you found the communication has gone since adopting this approach?  There is good information here on validation to support you with this further:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

I found the video really helpful and although it takes practise, I did find that the more I incorporate this (especially with myself! - something I'd recommend) into my communication the easier it gets.

She is home for today.  She has been looking for a place to live with friends.  I told her I think it will be good for her to get some space from me and her sister and it will give her a sense of accomplishment to “support herself,” so to speak.  I even offered to pay for her car insurance to give her some financial breathing room.  I don’t have the means to do anything more, but I also think she needs to do this for herself.   

This sounds positive.  You're being supportive without enabling her, and are encouraging her to stand on her own two feet, which is giving her opportunity to develop coping skills whilst knowing that she has you for guidance if she needs it.  What are her feelings about this?

Love and light x 

[shellshock]

Thanks for the video, Harley Quinn.  I look forward to watching it.  I need all the help I can get when it comes to communicating with my daughter.  I must confess it goes against all my natural instincts not to jump in and try to fix things, or to ignore what --to me-- sound like completely irrational and illogical ways of thinking, or to not point out how some consequence or other could have been avoided if she had just fulfilled some basic responsibility. I keep listening to chapter 7 of "Stop Walking on Eggshells," hoping it will all sink into my brain.

When I do validate, it does seem to diffuse the situation; but, my daughter can be pretty relentless.  If she doesn't get the response she wants (ie., an escalation/argument/blowout,) she will keep coming at me until I do slip and say something she can pounce on.  But, I am getting better at restraining myself or maybe, I'm just too tired to fight.  This way of communicating seems so disingenuous and patronizing to me.  I know I have a long way to go.

Regarding my daughter's moving out, I think she is ambivalent.  She wants her freedom, but she is probably scared that maybe it won't fix all her problems like she hopes it will.  At this point, I don't even know if she will follow through with it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi shellshock,

How did you find the video?  Was it helpful to you?  I hope so.  I'd be interested to know if you've found the validation any easier and whether it has shown any improvements for you.

I must confess it goes against all my natural instincts not to jump in and try to fix things, or to ignore what --to me-- sound like completely irrational and illogical ways of thinking, or to not point out how some consequence or other could have been avoided if she had just fulfilled some basic responsibility.

I can totally relate to this.  I am a fixer and a problem solver by nature.  (Of course I'm also a complete codependent!)  So it is VERY hard not to come up with solutions or give suggestions.  However I realised that I had to stop enabling and allow my ex to actually figure things out himself.  In fact it wasn't serving me to be helpful as I'd often get it thrown in my face so it gave me the motivation to bite my tongue.  Like the validation, it takes practise and perseverance and much as you stated it can feel unnatural and a bit false at times until things start to flow. 

Let us know how things are going.

Love and light x

[shellshock]

Hi, Harley Quinn.

The video was great.  In fact, my daughter saw me watching it and became extremely upset, saying something along the lines of "I feel like an ass.  I wish you didn't have to watch a video to learn how to talk to me."  But, we had a great heart-to-heart talk, and I even thought maybe this was the beginning of a breakthrough in our relationship.  Silly rabbit.

Anyway, back on the roller coaster, which is why my response is so tardy.  I do apologize and greatly appreciate your messages.  It's just very draining to me to live it and then find the energy to write about it all.  I'm just so worried about her health, mental and physical.  She hasn't been to any kind of doctor in almost 2 years, not even the dentist for a cleaning.   I just want to scream, "Enough already! Snap out of it!"

[Big M]

When I do validate, it does seem to diffuse the situation; but, my daughter can be pretty relentless.  If she doesn't get the response she wants (ie., an escalation/argument/blowout,) she will keep coming at me until I do slip and say something she can pounce on.  But, I am getting better at restraining myself or maybe, I'm just too tired to fight.  This way of communicating seems so disingenuous and patronizing to me.  I know I have a long way to go.

Regarding my daughter's moving out, I think she is ambivalent.  She wants her freedom, but she is probably scared that maybe it won't fix all her problems like she hopes it will.  At this point, I don't even know if she will follow through with it.

Welcome and know you are not alone.  The things you describe about your daughter's childhood are very similar to my own daughter.  Even as an infant, she lashed out at us.  We did not buy into the whole ODD idea, even though the signs were obvious, and we fantasized that we just had a willful and stubborn child.  That is a regret of mine, (I do not like to think of myself as someone who was in denial), but I can honestly say that after 4 years of therapy with little result, I sincerely doubt that early intervention for ODD would have made one iota of difference for her.  My daughter is relentless too, she will have her blowout or be damned, and when you try to validate,  she will accuse you of patronizing her.  It is part of the illness.  My daughter is very, very, good at pushing people's buttons.  Just know that these manipulations, for lack of a better word, are a dysfunctional method to prop up a broken psyche.  They are not manipulations in the sense that they're a clever way to get people to do what she wants, they're just misguided attempts to protect herself.  I cannot speak for anyone else's daughter, but it is clear my daughter lacks the courage to confront her demons, and until she develops it, no manner of treatment will help her, and no "help" anyone offers will help her for long. It is a hard road for us BPD parents, because society thinks children come into the world as blank slates and that if they have problems like BPD, then it must be the parent's fault.  If our child had died, friends, family, and even total strangers would sympathize.  As it is, we are ostracized, even by other families who know first hand about mental illness. I will pray for your daughter as I do mine, even though I'm not really religious in any traditional sense, because, well, I think it may be all we can do.   

[wendydarling]

Hi there shellshock

The video was great.  In fact, my daughter saw me watching it and became extremely upset, saying something along the lines of "I feel like an ass.  I wish you didn't have to watch a video to learn how to talk to me."  But, we had a great heart-to-heart talk, and I even thought maybe this was the beginning of a breakthrough in our relationship.  Silly rabbit.

It's a great video isn't it.  Your DD became extremely upset, is understandable, you are reaching out to her, she is feeling understood, you had a heart to heart, you connected, a precious moment.

I want to share with you Scott Peck's 3 minute video love skill 19- that blew me away when I joined 2 years ago, I regularly watch,
Listen with empathy

There is hope, my hope started with support from the great folks and resources here, my learning about BPD disorder and what that meant for my DD.

You say you are on a rollercoaster, you can step off here. We are here to help you work through, forwards.

WDx

[shellshock]

Thank you, Big M.  I am religious and I'll take all the prayers I can get.

And thank you for the video link, wendydarling.  I have to admit, what he says makes sense; but how can a mother walk in their daughter's shoes and not "suffer for that person."  How can a mother not be heartbroken seeing her child in pain.  That is something I just don't get.  I'm not saying I'm going to crumple into a useless unsupportive mess, but it literally hurts my heart to see my daughter's distress.

[wendydarling]

I have to admit, what he says makes sense; but how can a mother walk in their daughter's shoes and not "suffer for that person."  How can a mother not be heartbroken seeing her child in pain.  That is something I just don't get.  I'm not saying I'm going to crumple into a useless unsupportive mess, but it literally hurts my heart to see my daughter's distress.

I understand I could have written exactly what you have, how you feel right now, it's excruciating.   For me I had to move past the heartbreak and grief I was holding onto, the fear that was preventing me accepting her, letting go of deepest pain to reality.

Radical acceptance as often discussed here is a concept everyone that interfaces with a borderline person should understand. Like you and many parents here I never thought I'd still be learning how I am, I'm grateful I am, my 29DD is out of crisis and doing great.

Hope, things do get better when we do our best for ourselves  

Small gentle steps, WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders