17 year old daughter recently shared her self-diagnosis: BPD

[StressMom]

Hello,
First time posting on a message board of any kind. I'm at my wits end (again) with my daughter and I really don't have anyone around me who understands BPD (heck, I'VE just been learning about it myself from the internet over the past 2 weeks since my daughter sent me a link and told me she has all 9 traits). I concur with her self-diagnosis 100% and felt a bit of relief that all of her difficulties have a name/are a real 'thing.'
However, better understanding doesn't translate into better interactions/outcomes.  She's soo smart and able to discuss things rationally (seemingly) one minute, then totally flying off the handle the next... .it's exhausting & demoralizing & while she's just started back in therapy, it's not with someone who specializes in borderline or BPD. I feel strongly that my daughter enter into some intensive treatment specifically geared towards bod (outpatient ok as long as it's intensive) but she's soo resistant. Meanwhile, she has put off getting a job all summer and has a major meltdown no matter how gently I broach the topic. She graduated high school in June but is taking a gap year before college... .academically she's always been an over-achiever, but due to my husband & I having a sudden & dramatic divorce after 21 years of marriage (he gambled away all of the family finances and left to live across the country with a 30 year old), coupled with her pre-existing anxiety/depression issues--she's foregoing college for the time being. I support that decision 100%, but want her to address her mental issues head on! It is HELL living with her. Her 16 year old brother and her 10 year old brother are also the victims of her ever-changing mood swings and I notice them both just trying to avoid her more and more. Ugh. I find myself trying to explain her behavior and BPD in general to a few close friends, but mostly I feel like they don't get it. In attempts to be supportive they make disparaging remarks about my daughter which just kills me inside because trust me when I say: I UNDERSTAND THAT SHE IS THE ONE SUFFERING THE WORST with all this... .I feel so helpless

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Joe77]

As one author explains it, They say a relationship between parents are one is the codependent and the other is the emotional manipulator (BPD, narcissist, antisocial). The child will try and make the emotional manipulator happy and understand their triggers and try and make them happy because they know if they do they will receive love, If successful they become codependent a caretaker or a people pleaser.  If unsuccessful and they cant receive love they can develop a personality disorder. Now trauma can cause the same effects of a personality disorder also. These are all opinions and life lessons as I have worked with people with these disorders and been in relationship with them also.

Intense therapy is the only way. CBT. Need a expert in the disorder. She will resist because all people with BPD do.  Research methods on the internet on how to interact with a child or mother to child with BPD. There are tactics you have to use and understand when speaking to her. Its a journey ahead but you will have to set boundaries and follow through. Continue your research because knowledge is key in understanding your daughter.