I have managed to acquire some sort of temporary stability at times but I continue to relapse (as I have in the past two weeks) on a semi-regular basis.
The following thought processes seem to crop up in my head:
1. She trusted me - am I meant to push through and get her the help she needs? She always said I had to force her to her senses if she ever started getting self-destructive.
2. I am jealous - why does she get to live an (ostensibly) happy life with her family and friends while I face emotional ruin? Why do the people who hurt her get her best while I get treated like an absolute monster?
3. Resentment - I never hurt her and I was always patient with her. Even she appreciated this fact - why do I then deserve such treatment? I did not even get any closure! The last time we spoke face-to-face she told me she had issues (before claiming everything was okay to everyone else and insinuating I am insane)!
4. Anger. She hurt me and my family a lot with her behavior. She gaslighted my family members playing the rational good girl and claimed I was suicidal and mentally unsound. Sometimes I really want to inflict upon her what she inflicted on me! I am ashamed - but I do think about getting her back at times.
5. Confusion. Some things I don't even believe happened but I did keep a diary when the relationship started going south. In fact, even when it was fine I kept a diary since I liked telling her about the things she did that made me happy (to help her self-esteem). So some behaviors... .I genuinely... .I am at a loss. I have read a lot on BPD and other disorders and spoken to a number of therapists (initially on her behalf and at her request) - all have returned a preliminary diagnosis of BPD and possibly DID. Yet I am still confused - how does the mental process even work?
6. Pity. I know what happened to her. It hurts me to know what she went through. Sometimes I still have nightmares of a scared little girl going through what she did.
7. Envy. Close to jealousy - but of something I probably only dare admit anonymously online. I am sometimes envious of her disorders (especially if she does have DID). She has the ability to wreck havoc, destroy interpersonal relationships and feel no guilt or pain. She can live in the moment and be happy while leaving me in the smoking wreck of her own creation. It really shames me to admit this and I hate myself for even typing this out. But is it really so bad to be a human wrecking ball if you are impervious to pain, guilt or regret?
8. Injustice. I had a lot going for me before I met her. Now I am an emotionally damaged young man with serious trust issues. I don't know if I can ever enter another relationship again - I don't want my baggage to hurt the next girl I meet.
9. Sadness. I really do miss the good times (however few they were). I recall the look on her face and how proud I was of her when she finally told me she wanted to stand up to her past. I can't forget it - I still have nightmares. I feel like I have let her down by not successfully getting her help. She told me she couldn't face it alone... .
Any advice is appreciated. I apologize for the rather long post.
1. No, it isn't your responsibility to fix or help her. You can't force somebody to get help or use force to help them. I understand the guilt but you have to let go of letting her down. It is too much responsibility for you to carry.
2. It's the nature of the disorder. Splitting people to protect themselves as a defense mechanism. Something beyond their control and yours. You may be split white again in the future and her family black again. It can easily flip flop.
3. Resent the disorder. It can be hard to differentiate the person from BPD but everything you have gone through is deeply rooted in her disorder. The push/pull, go away don't leave me, the sabotaging and abuse all comes from core trauma of fear of abandonment, intimacy and fear of being alone.
4. Anger can be a tool to let go of her or to protect you from a possible recycle down the road but at some point you have to let go of it. She is a damaged person and acting out towards your family is also a defense mechanism to prevent you from doing it first (in her mind). You are a threat to her with your intimate knowledge of her dysfunction. By accusing you of being dysfunctional she projects herself, in order to do damage control.
5. pwBPD acts out of fear, shame and low self esteem. They fear intimacy which is where the push/pull comes into play. They fear abandonment so they sabotage and break up or makes you break up with them. Their thinking process doesn't work like ours and they have triggers you don't know about until you trigger them. Their automatic defense mechanisms distorts their sense of reality. What they feel becomes fact.
6. We should feel sorry for them. Their core trauma (C-PTSD) is not unlike what people who endured torture has gone through. They are really broken people. Their emotional development is stuck at an infantile stage. This is something they have to struggle with all their lives even if they get help.
7. There's nothing to envy. Hurting people that loves us is not something we should wish for ever. Sure it would be nice not to feel anything after a breakup but we have a chance to grow from it, learn, better ourselves. That's what life is about. They are stuck and unable to grow the same way.
8. You should consider therapy. It's not uncommon to catch something, being with a person with PD. PTSD, Unhealthy Narcissism, BPD fleas, depression, physical ailments etc. have been reported in non's being in abusive relationships.
9. Sadness is a natural state of the grieving process. It will follow all the way to the acceptance stage. Realize the good parts of her was mostly her mirroring you. It was not the real her. She doesn't have a core self. She uses partners to form her own identity and reflects in them. Her true self is the chaos she has inside.
I'm 3 months out of my relationship and I'm still not over her completely. My ex lies between mild and medium perfectly able to have a functioning relationship with the right guy. I wasn't that guy. I was too balanced to put up with her.
My advice is to try and stop focusing on her and start focusing on you. Show compassion for yourself. You sound like a great guy you really shouldn't punish yourself like this. Try and work on healing and loving yourself again. This site offers a lot of advice on how to move on and to get some perspective. You should read as much as you can.