Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 10, 2025, 01:33:07 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Things I couldn't have known
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?
90
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
> Topic:
All advice appreaciates.
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: All advice appreaciates. (Read 473 times)
HappyChappy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1680
All advice appreaciates.
«
on:
August 25, 2017, 09:11:50 AM »
Hi
I’ve been using S.E.T. and B.I.F.F etc... on my uBPD son (young teens) and making progress. However he’s very smart and has now found a way around all this. Basically he prevents anyone else speaking by making very loud and annoying noises. Or he shouts over you, but he's figured out if he stops anyone else speaking, he can dictate things.
Problem is his mother allows all this and this winds up my daughter, who has correctly stated she rewards his bad behaviour. My wife is low on empathy, so doesn’t muck about with validating or discussing. She normally just gives into my son, or says “talk to your Dad” if I’m available.
Neither my wife and son have never shown signs they can change in any way. But it is very unfair to our extremely well behaved daughter. The difference in behaviour between my two kids is huge. My son seams to expect preferential treatment, and that his behaviour is irrelevant to that claim. He doesn’t seam to get that penalties are linked to behaviour. Hence we now write down what’s agreed and all sign it, but even then he will say that not his signature, we made it all up. He is so adamant he must win every single argument, it’s like bring up a Lawyer in waiting. He also gaslights and misdirects like Merlyn. Mind you one success has been repeatedly point out to him the BPD behaviour. I would get a knowing smile but no admitions. But he admitted for the first time recently, but only as part of his plea bargaining. They are both lovely kids, but my son is wearing me down. Any tips ?
Logged
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Our objective
is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to
learn the skills
to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
incadove
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 291
Re: All advice appreaciates.
«
Reply #1 on:
August 26, 2017, 11:31:03 PM »
Hi HappyChappy
Welcome to the forum! Sounds like you are thinking clearly about the situation and have good emotional regulation about it. Its frustrating when the other parent seems to be making things worse, or enabling!
I think the key to reducing frustration with other's behavior, is to figure out what is in your direct control that you can decide to do, without asking anyone permission or anyone agreeing to it.
If your son is in his teens then probably there are many things he needs from you. If you can agree with your wife for her not to provide specific things and have her just direct him to you, then you have at least some leverage. That might be money for clothes, the Wifi password (that is a great one, easy to change unilaterally), the Netflix password, rides to see his friends, even foods he particularly likes. Basically anything he needs that you provide, he doesn't get to have unless he controls his behaviour.
The book that is most detailed about this I think is Transforming the Difficult Child, the Nurtured Heart Approach. You can validate the child while still enforcing consequences.
Sometimes if you withdraw something, he may blow up, but its critical you don't give in at that point so as not to reinforce the blow up. If you can keep your cool and not provide whatever it is, until he acts in an acceptable way, then I think it will get him on the right path. Maybe warn your wife this is likely to happen so she will be prepared to wait it out.
Once you have a consequence that he knows will happen for his rude behavior, then he is the one who will be upset by it, instead of everyone else. If there is nothing at all he likes you could even lock him out of his own room, and let him know he must earn access to it! You own the house and you are in charge, once he sees you have the power then you can be very gentle with him as you clearly outgun him.
Good luck! I know suggestions are much easier to make than they are to implement. Would love to hear how you do handle it and how it goes.
Logged
HappyChappy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1680
Re: All advice appreaciates.
«
Reply #2 on:
August 29, 2017, 06:42:48 AM »
Thanks Incadove, I appreciate your reply. I guess even when you think you're doing the right thing, it helps to get a second opinion, if only for sustenance.
My son’s mother disappeared without telling the kids for a few days. Then on her return locked herself in her study to do her social media stuff. Our son had done something to her laptop and tablet to stop them both working. I had to laugh, he’s know exactly how to wind someone up. Of course muggings here had to sort it all out, what he did was so clever I didn't know weather to compliment him or tell him off. He is exceptionally good at BPD trickery, I often wonder where he found the time to get so good, so young.
Logged
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Wilde.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
>
Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
> Topic:
All advice appreaciates.
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...