All advice appreaciates.

[HappyChappy]

Hi
I’ve been using S.E.T. and B.I.F.F etc... on my uBPD son (young teens) and making progress. However he’s very smart and has now found a way around all this. Basically he prevents anyone else speaking by making very loud and annoying noises. Or he shouts over you, but he's figured out if he stops anyone else speaking, he can dictate things.

Problem is his mother allows all this and this winds up my daughter, who has correctly stated she rewards his  bad behaviour. My wife is low on empathy, so doesn’t muck about with validating or discussing. She normally just gives into my son, or says “talk to your Dad” if I’m available.

Neither my wife and son have never shown signs they can change in any way. But it is very unfair to our extremely well behaved daughter. The difference in behaviour between my two kids is huge.  My son seams to expect preferential treatment, and that his behaviour is irrelevant to that claim. He doesn’t seam to get that penalties are linked to behaviour. Hence we now write down what’s agreed and all sign it, but even then he will say that not his signature, we made it all up. He is so adamant he must win every single argument, it’s like bring up a Lawyer in waiting. He also gaslights and misdirects like Merlyn. Mind you one success has been repeatedly point out to him the BPD behaviour. I would get a knowing smile but no admitions. But he admitted for the first time recently, but only as part of his plea bargaining. They are both lovely kids, but my son is wearing me down. Any tips ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi HappyChappy

Welcome to the forum!  Sounds like you are thinking clearly about the situation and have good emotional regulation about it.  Its frustrating when the other parent seems to be making things worse, or enabling!

I think the key to reducing frustration with other's behavior, is to figure out what is in your direct control that you can decide to do, without asking anyone permission or anyone agreeing to it.

If your son is in his teens then probably there are many things he needs from you.  If you can agree with your wife for her not to provide specific things and have her just direct him to you, then you have at least some leverage.  That might be money for clothes, the Wifi password (that is a great one, easy to change unilaterally), the Netflix password, rides to see his friends, even foods he particularly likes.  Basically anything he needs that you provide, he doesn't get to have unless he controls his behaviour.

The book that is most detailed about this I think is Transforming the Difficult Child, the Nurtured Heart Approach.   You can validate the child while still enforcing consequences. 

Sometimes if you withdraw something, he may blow up, but its critical you don't give in at that point so as not to reinforce the blow up.  If you can keep your cool and not provide whatever it is, until he acts in an acceptable way, then I think it will get him on the right path.  Maybe warn your wife this is likely to happen so she will be prepared to wait it out.

Once you have a consequence that he knows will happen for his rude behavior, then he is the one who will be upset by it, instead of everyone else.  If there is nothing at all he likes you could even lock him out of his own room, and let him know he must earn access to it!  You own the house and you are in charge, once  he sees you have the power then you can be very gentle with him as you clearly outgun him.

Good luck!  I know suggestions are much easier to make than they are to implement.  Would love to hear how you do handle it and how it goes.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks Incadove, I appreciate your reply. I guess even when you think you're doing the right thing, it helps to get a second opinion, if only for sustenance.

My son’s mother disappeared without telling the kids for a few days. Then on her return locked herself in her study to do her social media stuff.  Our son had done something to her laptop and tablet to stop them both working. I had to laugh, he’s know exactly how to wind someone up. Of course muggings here had to sort it all out, what he did was so clever I didn't know weather to compliment him or tell him off. He is exceptionally good at BPD trickery, I often wonder where he found the time to get so good, so young.