I want to find myself

[coworkerfriend]

I have been feeling so down this month.  I have been trying very hard to stay strong to my boundaries - leaving when he gets angry - trying not to take his bait - get caught up in the cycle.  My pwBPD can't keep his head clear for more than two days in a row.  It seems every time he sees me, within a few hours, I trigger something in him and he spirals down.  This month has been really taking its toll on me.  I leave work any time he gets angry and I have lost countless hours of work time.  Since we were both so conditioned to the cycle, he is getting more and more depressed at his ability to relieve any of his emotions.  He tells me that he is trying to save me by pushing me away.  I feel like it has to be my choice to stay away.  Gosh, I don't know if any of this is making any sense at all. 

I have been reflecting on things and I guess that is one of the reasons i am so down.  I lost myself - let myself get consumed by my pwBPD and his emotions.  My therapist is pushing me to take a stand with him - she wants me to force him into treatment.  In my heart, I know that I can't force him to do that.  My therapist says she has had experience with BPD but she wants me to take such a hard line with him.  I don't know if that is the answer.  I truly believe he has to want to change and start treatment and he feels he is hopeless and nothing will help him.  She wants me to write him a letter and send it to him telling him that he has to stay away until he can prove to me that he has started and continued in a treatment program for at least 30 days.   

 I have been trying to put more focus into me - what do I want in life - how can I get to a better place.  I realize that most of my past actions have been fear driven - and I guess continue to be driven by fear.  I am trying to figure out what I am so afraid of.  I thought I was afraid of losing him but I have come to the realization that I already lost him and it keeps getting worse when we are around each other.  We are both sad and I can feel the disconnect with him.  He looks right through me.  He says he has hurt me enough and that it is over.  I accept that logically.  Emotionally I am struggling to catch up to accepting it is over.  Why can't I face that?  I will never understand this illness - he doesn't care about losing me and any of the good we once had together. 

I think back to how independent and confident I was years ago.  Why doesn't that feel real to me?  I feel very alone - I don't talk to anyone but my therapist about how bad things are and I feel myself pulling away from everyone.  I spent so many years stuck and felt like I was making progress.  I am struggling to see things clearly.  Maybe I am just too tired and worn out and putting too much pressure on myself to make lots of changes all at once.  I am reaching out in hopes that I can get help to sort this out.  I know that I get stuck in my thoughts - I want to work past that if I can.

[donkey2016]

Hello Coworkerfriend,

Try to do nice things for yourself and your kids - get your own interests. I started that and it helped me a lot. I also found that many people around me are much more understanding to my situation then I thought they would be - so I started to be more open about my situation. Therapy might be good for your boyfriend - but maybe be careful not be too pushy - since this might trigger another episode of rage. Be careful - be safe.

Donkey

[patientandclear]

Hi CWF. I'm sorry I missed this when you first posted it.

FWIW I really relate to the comment about how confident you felt years ago and how that feels lost to you now. For a long time after my BPD r/ship unraveled, the most worrisome thing was that I wasn't myself and I couldn't figure out how to recover myself. It did so much damage.

That feeling stayed with me for far longer than I'd have thought possible or bearable. But I want to tell you that it changed. I'm not a bundle of joy and lack the radiating happiness I felt before the r/ship, but I am back to my full and true self. I recognize myself again.

It comes. It takes a long time sometimes. One of my colleagues pointed out a few years back that recovery from trauma goes better if you are not continuously being traumatized. I didn't immediately step out of my r/ship at that time but I started a long process of extracting myself; even though that wasn't how I planned it at the time. I just used and enforced serious boundaries and he handled it poorly; and thus I was extracted.

Anyway "you" are still in there. You likely need some favorable conditions to re-emerge.

[ortac77]

Hi

I think in a relationship with a pwBPD we do get lost, I know it took me a long time to work out that the old me was slowly disappearing and for a long time it happened almost unnoticed because I was good at presenting myself to others as ok, very good at wearing a mask.

What you say makes perfect sense, my partner was engaged in DBT and had been starting to improve, for the past few weeks he has 'dropped out'. Yesterday he kept saying that he 'must go' but he didn't - of course there is absolutely no point in my making him - it has to be his choice. Since stopping all the old behaviours and maladaptive coping mechanisms have surfaced, my choice is that I do not have to put up with them and quietly I am rebuilding my social life and interests. I refuse to go down with him, and  can only urge you to put yourself first, frankly when we are down we are no use to them anyway!

I find that it helps me to keep re-reading the symptoms of this dreadful illness and then remember that I need to avoid the FOG, this allows me to live my life and slowly I am rediscovering my life.

Hugs

[slachers]

Hello,

I feel your pain.  My husband has BPD.   For the last three years of my life, I have been the sickest abusive and alternately amazing emotional rollercoaster you can imagine.  I'm sure you know the feeling.  It starts with the sweetest most romantic man doing the most wonderful acts of love telling me he's "ever been happier" only to wake up the next morning to find a cold and heartless monster who says, "he's leaving and could never be with someone like me".  Then apology comes and we are right back where we started.  It's a never ending rollercoaster through emotional turmoil.  If you were like me, you never saw it coming.

If you are like me, you stay anyways.  For a time at least, deep down you think you can help him.  You think the love you have for each other will win out.  He's trying really hard.  But all the while, you feel your old self slipping away.  Every time you miss a family function or a night out with friends because his alter ego has reared it's ugly head and you can't control your emotions enough to be in public.  Or you fear that if you walk out, there will be retribution when you come home. 

I feel exactly the same as you, I was strong and confident before I met me husband.  Why does it feel like I will never get that back? 

My husband did the same thing to me, he tried pushing me away to save me, but then reeled me right back in.  I too have lost may hours at work for the same reasons.  Now looking back I wonder where exactly I lost myself. 

My husband recently started cheating on me.  After putting me through three years of hell, he ends the relationship by doing the exact thing I said I wouldn't stand for.  I think he meant to get caught too.  We were in a loving and caring relationship and it was just too much for him to handle, so he sabotaged it. 

I begged him to try DBT but he would never commit.  I know that he knows there's something wrong with him, but he chooses not to get the appropriate help.  In some ways, I'm almost glad he did this now so I did not get dragged along for more years of my life.

Now it's time to take back the control he stole from me.  I have finally come to the conclusion that my husband doesn't want to get better no many how many times he promised me he'd " do whatever it takes".  I have been round and round on the rollercoaster and I am finally happy to be getting off. 

This is very recent for me (only a few days now), so I don't have a lot of helpful advice but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.  I also truly believe that you and I can become the people we once were.  I refuse to let him get me depressed. 

He has taken away so much already.  But he can't take away my future happiness.  I know it is going to take a lot of time to process what all went down and even more to realize I was the victim.  Probably even longer to forgive myself.  I too feel very low these days.  I feel stupid and embarrassed.  I can't eat, sleep, or think.   But I know time heals all things. 

I start my day by reading an article on BPD that explains very bluntly how the BPD mind works in terms of love.  It's called "When Love is Just a Four Letter Word: Understanding the Borderline Personality".  It's helpful to me to know it's his problem that lead us here, not mine.  I did nothing wrong.  I have to remember that the person who I fell in love with is gone.  He no longer exists.  He's on to his next victim. 

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do.  I know that I wish I had been strong enough to leave before the cheating started.  But I loved him.  I guess I still do.  Unlike him, I can not turn my emotions off like a light switch.  I wish I could.  Hopefully in time, we will both be strong enough to move on. 

[nuthereggsheller]

Coworkerfriend, I can sure relate to what you are saying.  It's exhausting.  I've gone from being a very happy, confident, fun person to feeling like I remember the person I was, and I want "me" back, but frequently getting squashed by yet again another exhausting exchange with my H and feeling stuck in a situation that doesn't fit the real me. I had asked for advice on how to take care of oneself, and I hope you are finding ways to focus more on that now. I am working on it too. Would you like to share with me what you think might help you heal your own spirit?  Maybe we can share ideas.  I need some support too.  And maybe we can sort out what you might be afraid of too.  You sound very insightful about yourself, inspite of feeling confused.  It sounds like you are very tired and need some good rest.  Not just physical sleep, although I'm sure that helps, but rest for your heart and mind.  I'm here.  You are not alone.  Helping each other might help us both.  Sending you good thoughts.

[Lalathegreat]

My sweet friend - I hear you and you know I relate to your struggles. Because of the path my r/s took with the physical violence, I was "forced" to the "other side" so to speak. Law enforcement and an automatic criminal no contact order means that it has been 7 weeks since I spoke to my ex. It was nearly 8 weeks before THAT since we had been a "couple" exchanging regular contact.

Let me share a little bit about what has changed. I understand that I was in my r/s for a shorter period of time and can't possibly know your situation exactly. Take what I'm about to say through that filter, however - maybe it will shine some hope.

The first month after our breakup was extremely hard. I had a hard time sleeping. I had no appetite and felt sick when I ate. I lost weight. I went from attempting to keep life afloat to not even bothering. My kids began to worry. But then it started to turn. I found myself in situations that would have caused ex to unravel, and the relief I felt from not having to deal with that was palpable. I began to see my other friends again and began to have moments of clarity and happiness. I began to realize that I would get to the other side of the sorrow and that my life would be good again. I began to remember what it was like to be the person that I had once been.

Then the attack... .which was catastrophic and awful and not something I would wish for my worst enemy. But at least the last little bit of hope was completely severed.

I am almost 2 months out and I have clarity about events in the relationship I didn't have before. I can comb over our time together and see the FOG that began long before I was aware of it. I can look at all the times I considered whether things were my fault and see with crystal clarity that they weren't. I stumble into situations daily that I know would have triggered him and relish the fact that I no longer have to be concerned. I had an extremely busy morning, and realized at about 1pm that I hadn't thought of him all morning. That was HUGE!

I'm not trying to encourage you to breakup - it's not my position to decide for you what is best. But I think sometimes that being caught up in the fear of losing the r/s (what we know) almost paralyzes us from moving forward in any meaningful direction. And I know that your business connections are complicated.

But consider for a moment that should the relationship end at some point - you would be ok! You would go to a lawyer who would help you figure out the business. You would cry and be sad and mad and feel horrible. But then you would pick yourself up and move on and eventually remember how to have joy again.

Try to not let the fear keep you from doing what YOU need. What do YOU want? Start small but pick some things for yourself and prioritize them. See how he responds - his response might help you make a decision about whether or not to push counseling for him or how to address that situation. Or it might not, but at least you will have reestablished YOURSELF as a worthy priority.

I wish I had a magic wand, you are a wonderful person who deserves to be treated as such!

Lala

[Jej]

Its so sad reading all these posts, like a lot of you I am in the feeling lost phase, but I've realised after years of trying that I can't make my partner better.  I can't make 'it' better.  I've encouraged him into treatment, praying it has an impact.  I'm lucky to have found a carers course which gives me a logical, medical slant on being the carer.  I have, however realised the 'old me' doesn't exist anymore.  It's a recent realisation, but I feel now that I have, I can take small steps to rebuild myself and my life into what i want it to be.  It's hard when you are caught up constantly in someone else's emotions to even think of your own, but I believe self care is crucial, especially when living with BPD - take care.

[Learn each day]

Amen to all that has been shared here. After 26 years I also realized that there was almost none of the original me left. I am still in my marriage but have started creating firm boundaries and trying to bring some of "me" back.

I was shocked and confused to realize that I didn't even know what I like or was interested in besides serving at church. I have been working on this for over a year and am still working very hard on it.

Keep working on yourself. You're in there somewhere!

LED

[coworkerfriend]

Wow - I am so touched and thankful to everyone who took the time to post.

I have been down lately but after reading everyone's responses, I feel hopeful.

I will write more later -it means so much to not be so alone.