Wife's BPD behavior has put me on the edge

[leshonki]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years. There was always been conflict, but since our daughter was born three years ago it has gone to extreme levels.

In the beginning of this year, I started therapy to deal with the stress she causes me and my therapist brought up BPD. I read "Eggshells" and it was like reading my life. I have been working with my therapist on how to disengage and not let my wife's behavior effect me as much. My therapist warned me that this would most likely cause my wife to escalate behavior, but it should help in the long run.

Two months ago, my wife called the police on me for canceling a credit card. She over spends and threatens to rack up charges when angry. The card was in my name, and I canceled it to prevent her from putting more money on it. She tried to have me arrested, telling the police that she couldn't even feed our kids. Once the police looked through the house etc, they realized what was going on. I also let the cop look through my texts on my phone to show him her behavior, and they saw text were she made veiled threats against our children. This got DCF involved.

Long story short, she promised DCF she would get therapy and go to marriage therapy. As soon as DCF closed the case she canceled all therapy and began escalating again. It culminated with a blow up fight last week over me visiting my parents. It ended with her assaulting me, leaving me with a black eye and bruised face. I left the house to go to the police, and she called me and convinced me not to. The next day I had therapy and the bruising immediately came up. She urged me to go to the police and call DCF which I did.

I have no idea where to go now. The sane part of me says I should leave, and do what I can to get my kids. But when she is happy and things are going well, we have a great life and I love her. It is so impossibly hard. I just want everything to work out, but I am doubting that it will.

[ForeverDad]

Your account was so similar to mine.  Probably others will post and say the same.

I called the emergency number, two police cars came and they evidently defaulted to siding with her and asked me to hand our preschooler over to her and "step away".  My son 'saved' me from an unhappy ride in a police car when he shrieked and refused to go to his mother.  A few days later she was arrested after I downloaded the events of that day when she threatened me both before and after my 911 call.  That week was when we separated.  Thereafter she was determined to make me look worse than her, that's when the allegations began to every agency that would listen.

A few months earlier she had refused to sign the J&S requirement for me to obtain a car loan from my retirement account for the vehicle we had just bought.  The dealer was incensed at the delay in payment and I had open a checking account at a local bank to get a loan there.  I changed my paycheck deposit to there and oh was she livid when she found out.

Before that I had noticed her perceptions becoming more critical to others, she seemed depressed.  I though having a baby would give her something to be happy about, bask in the joys of a child growing up.  Rather, she relived her childhood fears through him.  She saw literally everyone, her insistent words, as "probably" abusers.  It became her and 'her' child against the entire world.  Once virtually all friends and family were driven away, she had less people to rage about and directed her attention and raging to me.  I realized that having a child didn't help her, rather it triggered her and made an eventual separation so much more complicated.

Control.  Demands.  Ultimatums.  Entitlements.  Slanted perceptions of history and events.  And so on.  What works is not appeasing, acquiescence, abdication or being a Whipping Boy.  No, what really works (in the long run) is setting firm boundaries of behavior.  Not boundaries on her, she probably is too far gone to listen to anything from you.  Your boundaries, smart ones of course, bounced off peer support or your lawyer, "If you ____ then I will ____."  Not threats, leave that to her.  For example, I will not be your Whipping Boy when you're ranting and raging.  Okay, those are triggering words, but the point is that you decide what your limits are and what you will do to resolve it.  Yes, quite possibly the marriage cannot be salvaged, but (and this is important) you can take actions and time-proven strategies to ensure that during your parenting time your child will be in a loving, calm and stable environment.

She refused therapy, either jointly or separately.  Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  Sure, it was probably a protective overreactions but she was an adult and she wasn't acting or reasoning like an adult.  And she certainly wasn't listening to me.  Eventually I had to enlist the Real Authority, domestic court orders.  Yes, the court acted slowly, ignored much of her poor behaviors, made incremental changes when problems became too much to ignore, but it was better than her terms and conditions as dictator and controller.

Your spouse is not really a Dr Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.  She is one person.  She is not a good person who sometimes behaves badly, she is unbalanced and mentally ill, though generally not to the extent of being committed or imprisoned.  Sorry.

Your therapist or counselor is doing a good job.  You're in the middle of it all and your spouse's behaviors are partly intended to make you go along with the abuse and demands (think Stockholm Syndrome).  You are experiencing things subjectively.  Outside experts can help you to regain objectivity.  They see what is so hard for you to discern.

The marriage is very unlikely to recover until she lets go the determined Denial and Blame Shifting, applies the therapy diligently in all her life, thinking and perceptions and does so for years.  The reality is that thus far she has adamantly refused to choose that path.  So it's up to you to educate yourself, prepare yourself and thus be able to make more informed and more confident decisions.

[leshonki]

Thanks for the reply.

DCF set up a meeting with her family and us that they headed. DCF told her family that they have concerns over her mental health, and that the therapist we have seen also have concerns. I told her and her family that if she does not go to therapy and engage in it Inwill file for divorce. I also said that if she ever hit me, threw my stuff out of the house, or any of the other actions she has when acting out occur again I am filing for divorce.

She hasn't talked to me since this meeting. I can tell she is seething mad, but at this pout it doesn't matter

[takingandsending]

Hi leshonki.

It's good that you have established specific boundaries and consequences for her actions. Given her recent acts of violence, I really recommend that you have a safety plan in place for is her anger escalates out of control again.

Take a look at these links and consider having things like a go bag packed, extra sets of car and house keys and a place to stay in the event that you have to leave to prevent further violence.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Can you be more explicit in what "disengaging" looked like on your part? You are absolutely within your rights to want to step off the roller coaster of BPD emotions, but unwittingly, we can make things worse when trying to disengage. Your wife is likely highly sensitive to any perceived invalidation, and what seems to be repeated invalidation will drive a person to extreme anger or depression.

That's likely why boundaries stated as ultimatums is making her seething mad. I think that clear and consistent boundaries are absolutely essential in this situation and for anyone living with a pwBPD. But, there can be ways to communicate them that won't push the invalidation button that sends her into violent rage. Keeping your boundaries about you, "Violence is unacceptable. I will leave if you strike out at me." "Yelling is not acceptable. We can't communicate to each other that way. What you have to say is important, and I want to hear it, but I will leave if you are yelling." You also have to consider if you plan to leave whether to take your D3 with you. If you have any doubt about her safety, you have to take her with you.

My xw never was physically violent. She came very close to slapping me once. I think she knew it was crossing a line of no return if she ever hit me. I had expressed that clearly. But I had to leave the house many times, often taking my two young sons with me, to break the verbal abuse and yelling. I would do my best to validate her feeling ("I see how upset you are", let her know that I was leaving (and taking the kids) because I was getting upset, and would tell her that I would be back in 30 minutes and wanted to talk more about the issue at that time. I left, and then came back in 30 minutes. I would ask if she wanted to talk. Usually, she had come down from her anger and did not want to talk. We resolved nothing. But we weren't harming each other.

Sometimes, she would launch into more anger. I would repeat the cycle. Over time, she reduced the yelling and rage. That method of disengaging can be effective. In the end, it didn't make our marriage any better, but at least I was able to stop it from getting worse.

Take a look at this link on boundaries. Does any of it seem applicable to your situation?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Please keep posting. Let us know how you and your wife are doing. There are a whole lot of folks who have been down a similar path.