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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: settlement emotions  (Read 427 times)
soundofmusicgirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 179


« on: September 01, 2017, 09:17:54 AM »

we are scheduled to be in court this morning. 5 hours of settlement conference was yesterday. Luckily we were not in the same room.
BPDxw has a lawyer that has actually managed to talk her into agreeing to something. I am baffled. (is it possible to send opposing counsel flowers to say thank you for managing the crazy? Smiling (click to insert in post))
Not all things are in our favour in the settlement. But alas things never are with a BPD. There are some complicated suggestions that in my head scream for a chance to be screwed up by the BPDxw.

The tension is there. Wondering wether when we walk into court this morning all of the agreements are going to blow up in BPD style or wether we actually will manage to be in and out of court in an hour.
Good thoughts and prayers appreciated.

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Panda39
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2017, 11:30:57 AM »

Sending good thoughts your way 

Let us know how it shakes out.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
soundofmusicgirl
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« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2017, 08:36:13 AM »

Thank you panda39. It went as well as it could with a BPD. She actually did settle. (praise to her lawyer... .our lawyer said that BPDs lawyer told her he is burnt out from his difficult client... don't we all know how that feels).

We "won" on the big points: more summer visitation, less child support (due to a dramatic change of employment). BPDxw was actually trying to take visitation completely away and we heard today that she had actually wanted to ask for an increase of child support. She had her expert witnesses come to court today. They were not allowed to speak. Her lawyer had told her don't let them come because they will not be heard and you do not want to waste the money. bla bla bla...

A lot of the "little" things that we wanted to address unfortunately got lost in the big "settlement". So we just have to live with crazy the way it is. One thing that our lawyer and us are not happy about is that the judge basically ordered for all of us to come back to court next year. In order to further increase visitation he wants a psych eval done of the kids. Which means that BPDxw can restart her war of taking away all visitation. We were hoping that after this match we could call it good and be done with court.
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2017, 10:03:58 AM »

I think the courts often want to appear fair.  It may have appeared like the ex won things too... .having another opportunity in court and little things left undone, but she has to step up and actually do the things required to get the things she wants.  The court is monitoring your situation for a reason and I don't think that reason is you and your husband  Being cool (click to insert in post)

When my SO's divorce was done he was awarded Education, Medical, and Dental decision making, his ex got Psych... .talk about putting the fox in charge of the hen house, but the reality here is that therapists have caught on to her, Vision, Gynecological.  So she got things so she could walk out of court thinking she "won" some things but who really won that day?
My SO's daughters have since voted with their feet due to their mom's behaviors and live with their dad full-time so it has all become a moot point.

Take your big win  Smiling (click to insert in post) because it is a big win financially but more importantly you are getting more time with the kids.  The more time they have with you the better for them.  You offer an alternate reality to them which is really important.

Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
livednlearned
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2017, 10:05:29 AM »

One thing that our lawyer and us are not happy about is that the judge basically ordered for all of us to come back to court next year. In order to further increase visitation he wants a psych eval done of the kids. Which means that BPDxw can restart her war of taking away all visitation. We were hoping that after this match we could call it good and be done with court.

A version of this happened in my case, too.

If you can, pick the person who does the psych eval. Or select three that have impeccable reputations, and allow your ex to select from the three. It might even be worth asking the Clerk of Court (or equivalent where you live) for a list of child psychologists most respected by the court. Reputation can go a long way in our cases.

In my case, the judge ordered we spend a year working with a parenting coordinator (child psychologist) and then come back. I was pissed! She ended up recommending more than what we thought possible, and was able to shine a lot of light on our situation.

It can feel like PTSD to return to court again and again  My ex took me to court so many times the judge issues a gatekeeping order. I really feel your pain.

In the meantime, use this to your advantage. There is a lot of collective wisdom here about how to leverage what the judge is asking for.

What do you think a psych eval will reveal in your situation? Do you know what the process entails? I was surprised how kinda sloppy and messy and vague things were. We tightened up every possible point and were three steps ahead of N/BPDx so that he could not thwart the process. Or, if he did, he only thought he did 
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Breathe.
david
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« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2017, 11:27:00 AM »

Looking back I believe the judges we had stretched things out to see what each parent would do. In my case, the additional time did help me to get others (custody evaluator, co parent counselor, etc, all court ordered) to see what was really going on. My ex can present herself very well but only for a brief period. She was/is unable to do that for an  extended period of time.
My ex actually threatened the evaluator with jail time because she realized things were not going well. I was there and felt like giving her a big hug and thanking her for showing the real her to an outsider.
Like Lnl said, use the time to your advantage. Gather what you need for court and realize it isn't going to end overnight. Don't tip your hand. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2017, 09:34:05 PM »

If you can, pick the person who does the psych eval. Or select three that have impeccable reputations, and allow your ex to select from the three. It might even be worth asking the Clerk of Court (or equivalent where you live) for a list of child psychologists most respected by the court. Reputation can go a long way in our cases.

This is an approach that courts see as valid and involving both parents.  But you and your lawyer would have to be the ones making the short list so you know the best choices are there.  You certainly don't want inexperienced or gullible professionals do the evaluations.  In my divorce all it took was for my lawyer to make the recommendation and her lawyer simply agreed.
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