What is the reward for all this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The other day I was listening to a podcast and the comment was made "life without reward isn't worth living". They went on to say how everything we as humans do it for some reward, we work for money, we eat rewarding meals, even doing things for others rewards us with a way of feeling good about ourselves. Now I'm thinking about this relationship and I can't think of one single reward. I have two kids that l love immeasurably as a result of it but now i regret reproducing with this person. Why do we stay? What do we get out of these type situations?

[montenell]

The other day I was listening to a podcast and the comment was made "life without reward isn't worth living". They went on to say how everything we as humans do it for some reward, we work for money, we eat rewarding meals, even doing things for others rewards us with a way of feeling good about ourselves. Now I'm thinking about this relationship and I can't think of one single reward. I have two kids that l love immeasurably as a result of it but now i regret reproducing with this person. Why do we stay? What do we get out of these type situations?

[MrRight]

why do we stay?

I think you answered your own question - you stay for your 2 children who you love and that is your reward.

Do you feel you have no other options?

[montenell]

why do we stay?

I think you answered your own question - you stay for your 2 children who you love and that is your reward.

Do you feel you have no other options?

Up to this point I never explored any other options

[MrRight]

Up to this point I never explored any other options

what exactly, about your partner - makes you feel this way?

[montenell]

what exactly, about your partner - makes you feel this way?

Maybe it's just how things are going we both are under stress. Both of my cars broke down and we are low on money, bills are stacked up etc. I was able to trade my broken work vehicle for one that drives but needs a little TLC. My wife who doesn't work is doing nothing but complaining during this whole time.not only about the situation but about me as well.

[Lucky Jim]

I have two kids that l love immeasurably as a result of it but now i regret reproducing with this person. Why do we stay? What do we get out of these type situations?

Hey montenell, Why do we stay?  That's the million dollar question, isn't it?  One reason may be fear of the unknown.  Another may be that, because of low self-esteem, we think we deserve to be treated poorly.  Another may be that our FOO issues cause us to preserve an unhealthy dynamic that is nevertheless familiar.  Probably all of the above could apply to my marriage to my BPDxW!

Hang in there,
LJ

[MrRight]

Maybe it's just how things are going we both are under stress. Both of my cars broke down and we are low on money, bills are stacked up etc. I was able to trade my broken work vehicle for one that drives but needs a little TLC. My wife who doesn't work is doing nothing but complaining during this whole time.not only about the situation but about me as well.

Wives will complain etc - but that doesn't mean they are borderlines.

[Notwendy]

It isn't a simple check and balance, plus and minus, but all behaviors have a cost and a payoff. Behaviors continue so long as the payoff is greater than the cost. Some behaviors- like addictions- have a very high cost, but the behavior is hard to stop regardless.

At a deep emotional level - maybe not even something we are aware of- we entered a dysfunctional relationship. Things may have gotten tougher after the marriage, kids, but I believe that there were signs in the beginning that we ignored or minimized or didn't even notice due to our own poor boundaries.

Marriage and relationships books will tell us we choose partners with whom we match in some way. If our partner is dysfunctional then it is likely we have some dysfunction ourselves, even if it doesn't look quite the same.

Why do we stay? That is complicated. If there are children, even more so. Each relationship is different ,and I felt mine was workable- but from the perspective of dealing with my part in the dysfunction. I also acknowledge that there are aspects of other relationships I have read about that I would not tolerate and there are others who would not tolerate mine. This is why we can not advise others to stay or leave on the basis of what we would do. The emotional payoff/cost  to someone is personal.

To find your payoff- you may need to look closely at yourself, and possibly with the guide of an objective person like a counselor who can see it. It isn't easy to look in the mirror at ourselves or to hear our part in things. There has also been a reward in doing this work, not just for the relationship but for me. It has given me the opportunity to change some of the patterns I learned in my childhood.