First Aid or how do I stop the bleeding?

[snowglobe]

Hello All,
It's been a while since I posted here, things were going good for our family, my uBPDh was stable and I again, fell into a trap thinking that it will be like that for a while. My mistake, I got comfortable and secure enough in the relationships, my guard was down. We traveled with our competitive daughter, enjoyed family time, he was pulling his weight at work, all until this weekend. He's made new acquaintances, that share similar "interests in substances". We went out, and then he fell into his old habits. After watching him self distruct for two days in a row, mixing it with alcohol, I thought that he would sleep it off and be "normal". Instead he's been verbally abusive, locked himself in, doesn't communicate. When he does it's only to tell me to "f-ck off, don't none of you dare talking to me, leave the room, me alone, in what language should I tell you to... ." undoubtfully this change is triggered by him partaking in substance abuse. My inclination is to ask him what have I done wrong, or how can I help him?. But the more I try to talk, hug, calm him down, the more abusive he gets towards me. I could really benefit from you, fellow members on the communication tips to weather this storm. My two kids are starting school this week, I hate for him to do this during this transition stage when they need their dad

[Radcliff]

So good to hear from you!  Welcome back!  I am very sorry that you've hit a tough time.

Don't feel bad about falling into the trap of not working on BPD and relationship challenges during the good times.  I have been regularly falling into that trap for 20 years!  It is super tough when raising a family -- there are so many demands and you want to have smooth sailing for the children.

As it happens, I have just learned a bit about how important it is to make progress during calm times.  I'm still new to it, but realize that I'm going to have to get good at it in order to have any hope of a stable and better future life together.  During bad times there is no chance to reach my wife, we're just doing damage control.  I've also recently learned a couple of other things.  I made a quick visit to the boards and posted one or two things many months ago, but didn't really understand the power of the boards.  It wasn't until I came back in the middle of the summer and became a regular, got familiar with the other regulars, read other's posts, and started replying and posting my own posts that I realized the strength of this community.  It can be hard to find time in a busy life, but if you pick just a few threads to follow at a time, and a handful of characters to keep up with, you'll really start to feel connected and will feel the benefits when times are good and when they are tough.

The other important thing I recently learned with the help of the board is that for me, I needed to pick the most vital thing and work on it first.  I re-read your original post, and there is so much going on for you, it must be hard to figure out where to start.  Similarly, I was trying to make progress on many fronts at once, mostly during bad times.  With the support of some senior members leading me to water, I realized that I couldn't make progress anywhere else until I set boundaries on and addressed my wife's violence against me.  It is hard and it is scary but I know we must solve that problem.  If you try to think of the one thing that is the most disruptive, the most unacceptable, that needs to be fixed before all else, does anything come to mind?  Could it be the substance abuse?  Something else?

Keep posting, and do not relent in your efforts to improve life for yourself and your family!

[AskingWhy]

Snowglobe, I am sorry this is happening to your.

If your husband is truly BPD, he is in the stage of pushing you away.  BPDs desperately want attachment and are terrified of it at the same time.  I think there is that book called, "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me!"  

When a BPD is in a splitting stage, in my opinion, there is nothing you can do to get them to "come back" to reality.  Sometimes they must be made to feel "safe."  With my uBPD H, I just give him support and time.  i also tend no to engage (or disengage) as the more you engage, want to talk, the more the drama snowballs.  I used to rage back at my husband's rages, but this made things worse.  He really has an eggshell of an ego.  I learned more patience is required, and this is hard because it's so infuriating at what they do:  accusations, name-calling, triangulation, enmeshment with his children from his first marriage.

Each relationship is different, so different approaches need to be used.

Take care.

[AskingWhy]

So good to hear from you!  Welcome back!  I am very sorry that you've hit a tough time.

Don't feel bad about falling into the trap of not working on BPD and relationship challenges during the good times.  I have been regularly falling into that trap for 20 years!  It is super tough when raising a family -- there are so many demands and you want to have smooth sailing for the children.

As it happens, I have just learned a bit about how important it is to make progress during calm times.  I'm still new to it, but realize that I'm going to have to get good at it in order to have any hope of a stable and better future life together.  During bad times there is no chance to reach my wife, we're just doing damage control. 

Keep posting, and do not relent in your efforts to improve life for yourself and your family!

Wentworth, "damage control" is a good way to put it.  When a BPD is in his splitting, which includes his frequent divorce threats, there is no way that I can reach hiim.

My uBPD H has rollercoaster moods.  If I am upset at something, he immediately thinks it's something about him.  He responds with anger.

I am now not firing back with anger or trying to engage him.  I am hanging back and letting things cool off.

That may work with some people.  I know my not getting as reactive is working.  I try to be supportive and show love and acceptance.  It's much like dealing with a child who is having a tantrum.

[snowglobe]

So good to hear from you!  Welcome back! 
  If you try to think of the one thing that is the most disruptive, the most unacceptable, that needs to be fixed before all else, does anything come to mind?  Could it be the substance abuse?  Something else

@Wentworth thank you so much for a warm freeting. I experience some strange sense of shame, when it comes to posting here. I've been so good at keeping things quiet and hidden from the rest of the world for so long, that it's almost like a Stockholm syndrome. If I share our private struggles, I feel like I'm letting him down.
The worst behaviour that I would need to fix is his verbal and at times physical abuse towards me. It varies from threats of loosing housing, cutting down financial assistance, personal character assassination, insults, rarely pushing and shoving. He confessed to me during his "vulnerable" moments, that since I was so young when we became a couple, I "have let him abuse me" and "now it's hard to stop". He knows it's wrong, he knows that it's abuse, but yet he just can't or doesn't want to help it. I'm sure it's a broken record that plays for so many of people on this site. Going from most gentle, quiet guy to a full blown vicious tyran.  Ironically, substance abuse on its own, is a window of opportunity for me to speak to him without his guard being up. He can actually emphasize and level with me on those rare occasions. Is there a way of getting a person to break his old ways? Or the only way to stop abuse is to get out?

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe, I am sorry this is happening to your.

If your husband is truly BPD, he is in the stage of pushing you away.  BPDs desperately want attachment and are terrified of it at the same time.  I think there is that book called, "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me!"  

When a BPD is in a splitting stage, in my opinion, there is nothing you can do to get them to "come back" to reality.  Sometimes they must be made to feel "safe."  With my uBPD H, I just give him support and time.  i also tend no to engage (or disengage) as the more you engage, want to talk, the more the drama snowballs.  I used to rage back at my husband's rages, but this made things worse.  He really has an eggshell of an ego.  I learned more patience is required, and this is hard because it's so infuriating at what they do:  accusations, name-calling, triangulation, enmeshment with his children from his first marriage.

Each relationship is different, so different approaches need to be used.

Take care.

@AskingWhy thank you for sharing your insight, I've learnt how to navigate the muddy waters, yet when things quiet down I tend to forget about the disorder. It's such a seamless transition, that oftentimes I don't even recognize it immodiatly, until he is in a full splitting mode. I've spent this summer with my eldest at Therapist's office dealing with her trauma of "never knowing what she is coming home to". As an adult, I make my bed and work with my choices. It's the kids I'm so concerned with, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing of them being a part of this dysfunctional dance.

[Radcliff]

Hi Snowglobe,

I have not seen anyone mention feelings of shame and betrayal on the boards yet, but I felt the very same thing!  I was revealing personal details that had been secret, and was feeling good and supported in a way that felt unfamiliar and that I needed so much -- a sudden increase in my needs being met -- so it felt kind of wrong and like I was betraying my wife.  Those feelings eased up and went away, especially as I came to know the empathy and commitment the folks on the "Improving" board show when talking about their pwBPD.  Us getting help in this way is the best hope, and helps our pwBPD as well.

Every situation is different, but I went through a difficult but worthwhile journey on setting boundaries on abuse in the last few weeks.  We should use your thread to talk about your situation, but I'd encourage you to take a look at what I recently experienced, and the guidance I was given, and see if any might be useful to you.  The story starts on this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=313938.0

And then we hit a major milestone, and the story picks up with this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=314513.0

I am thinking you may not be living in the United States.  Is that true?  If so, we'll need to account for what the environment and resources around these situations are where you live.  Can you describe a little about the abuse -- what happens and how often?  Stick with us, and let's keep talking!

[Radcliff]

Hi Snowglobe, it's been a little while.  Just saw your supportive reply to someone on another thread.  What about you?  What can we do to support you today?

Wentworth

[snowglobe]

Dear @Bluesbrother thank you so much for reaching out to me. I've been trying to see and read through other people's experiences on this forum. I often find myself hurting so much, that there isn't anything I can do or feel for other people. And boy, I do hurt pretty bad right now. I've been trying to substitute my uBPDh's mindless video games playing. While at it he becomes verbally and physically aggressive, irritated and consumed. Very similar to the drug dillirium, only worse. I bought us gym memberships while waiting for kids at the extra curricular activities. Things were going good for about a week... .we are simultaneously going through a Reno project, preparing our house for the impending sale. He had the grandiose ideas of "buying a mansion", never mind we have a ginormous mortgage on this house. I've been trying to push back the sale hoping that in stalling he will realize how foolish and risky this idea really is. Today the painter contractor I've hired completed the job. He hates some parts of it, it's not painstakingly "perfect" as he expected it to be. My uBPDh turned into a raging monster, told me that I  "suck, incapable of completing a project, that if the job won't be fixed he will f-ck me up, that he is disappointed in my and when he doesn't see a solution he gets depressed". He later made up a reason for skipping the gym, we are now sitting waiting for our kids at their extracurricular whilst he is playing on his phone". I know this man, I know he is preparing himself for tonight. He will get so disregulated that he will be spitting angry remarks, hurtful things and cussing me. I know that my heart will start beating very fast, I know that I will take the kids to the other rooms and be extra nurturing and sensitive to their needs, I know that my limbs will go cold and I will feel the shivers. And because I anticipate the proceedings I feel overwhelming tired, exhausted and depleted. Im also hurting, and sometimes I could make him feel all the pain he is inflicting on me.

[Radcliff]

Snowglobe,

I am glad you are posting.  I can tell by the tone of your messages compared to your earlier posts that things may be going worse, and I'm so sorry for that.  Or maybe it is because you are sharing more details, which we are here to listen to.  Feeling alone in all of this is the worst.  It helped me picture your situation when you talked about comforting the kids in another room.  It is what we have to do, but it is a heavy burden.

One of your quotes of your husband caught me:

if the job won't be fixed he will f-ck me up.

I know on a board it's hard to appreciate the context in everything, but if you told that to your best friend on the phone, what would she say to you?  Our pwBPD sometimes make wild threats they may never carry out, but to even hear that is not OK.  Those threats are thrown out so cavalierly, yet cost us dearly in terms of stress and the worry about whether they may actually follow through.

I'm sorry if we've already covered this, but have you spoken to someone on a local hotline yet, do you have a safety plan, etc.?  I'm not saying you should exit, but in the context of staying in the relationship, tell us a little bit about how you are staying safe, and whether you've talked to "live" people (professionals or friends/family) about what is going on.

Wentworth

[snowglobe]

@Wentworths, I don't have a back up plan. I firmly believe that human psychology is such, that once we realize and consider other options and possibilities we stop working as hard and allow ourselves to fail... .I do not see myself leaving him, unless he does. He's been raising me since I was a teen, from my manners to my multiple degrees, sport, cars and everything in between. He is more then a spouse, he is a surrogate father figure I was lacking growing up. I'm obsessively codependent with him, that I know from multiple therapists over he years. They all see the BPD dynamics, my codependency but also admit that there are a lot of needs that are being met on both sides. It's this dysfunctional dance, almost to the point of chocking emotionally, when it's too close he suffocates and when it's distant he yanks too hard... .

[Radcliff]

Got it.  That helps me understand your situation better, thanks.  I am not taking a position on staying/leaving.  I'm personally staying, and know that many of us have carefully thought this through.  My only concern with the question was your physical and emotional safety.  Threatening to hurt you is a boundary that should not be crossed.  I am sorry, I know you know this.  Given that you are staying, do you have a plan for how to ensure your safety?  Do you have trusted local people who know what is going on?  It is possible to improve safety and decrease isolation in a way that respects the "staying" decision.  I found through my own experience that as long as I was utterly quiet and told nobody, the abuse continued.

Wentworth

[snowglobe]

@Wentworths as you know life's picture is always larger then one can express in a single post.  I'm currently enrolled in psychology honours program in university part time, and raising two kids, almost on my own, with little help from my parents. To my uBPDh our kids are a chore, burden and nauseansce. Once in a while he would demand for them to pay "attention to him", shower him with kisses and affection. He is the only sole provider. As I'm splitting my time between completeting a degree and raising a family, my youngest is on a spectrum for autism spectrum disorder. His treatment alone funds into tens of theousands every year, and he will require to stay in treatment well into his late teens. Even upon the completion of my education. I will never be able to earn enough to support my kids and pay for the treatment and my daughter's competitive sports career. He knows that, and uses it as an emotional blackmail on me. Knowing the way he cuts of all contact with friends and even his own parents for years to come, leaves no doubt in my mind that if I were not to comply, he would pull the much needed funds from the kids. So I stay... .I try to sound upbeat most of the time, but in all honesty it isn't really a choice. I won't be able to look at myself in a mirror knowing that I had the access to my son's treatment and didn't give him a chance at life... .

[snowglobe]

He also keeps a very tight control over the finances, keeping it in a separate account that I have no access to. I have his salary that we live on, and he gives me a little extra to pay for the therapy and kids needs. Even few hundred dollars a month is a large amount that I can't put away for the rainy day. To make it even more complex, my parents are living in with us to provide caregiving to our son, so we don't have to pay for respite. They have their own place, which they rent out. He most keeps it to verbal threats and abuse... .his physical outbursts decreased since my folks moved in with us. I'm greatful for the small things, every year I celebrate another year that I was given to raise my children, some people don't get this chance in life. Thank you all so so much, especially you, @Bluesbrothers for continued support