I can do this, I know I can

[5xFive]

Things have been calm lately. I have been validating like crazy. If I notice what I said starts to escalate him, I switch gears and try something else. Validate, validate, validate. This is my mantra. And his dysregulation cycles have been getting shorter. I had them timed down to exactly six days. They were like clockwork but instead of the 2-3 days they used to last, they were lasting 8 hrs, 5 hrs, 2-3 hrs! Then 6 days later again and again over and over until one day the validation worked! He started to dysregulate but only 15 mins later things were calm! I was stunned, and over the moon excited. I shared with you guys a little. I was able to go out for drinks with a friend. But I didn't want to post too much bc it was going so well. I was afraid to jinx it. Silly, right?

Well it has been 12 days since his last dysregulation. That may be our longest time without an argument in 17 years together! I think I got a little cocky about my validation skillzz. Lol.

Anyway, we're in Florida, and as some of you know he does not want to be here, and there is a hurricane coming! So STREEEEEESSSS. We have 2 young kids and our house is old so it's always losing power. More stress. We don't have a generator and EVERY single store in the city is already sold out. (We are on a list to get a call tomorrow morning when they get a delivery but it's first come first served, so... .) anyway, he inspects bridges so he's super super busy right now, trying to make sure roads and bridges are prepared for evacuation and high winds. More stress!

On top of it all, D9mo has had a fever this week. After 2 weeks of not sleeping from teething, she got her teeth, was on the edge of going back to normal, and BAM fever hit. So we've been dealing with that since Monday night. Wow. That's a lot of stress! And he's done great!

Until this afternoon. He found out that my mom was evacuating tomorrow and idk if it stirred up his abandonment fears? Last year, he was HORRIBLE to her during hurricane Matthew. She came to stay with us so she wasn't alone and he refused to come out of his game room. He didn't want her there and he made that clear. So this year she decided to leave and go stay with my uncle. I don't blame her a bit!

But now he's upset that she's leaving and he told me he thinks she's selfish and we moved down here to be near family and as soon as things get rough, the family leaves! Argh! Then he went on and on about how he's mad at me for leaving him all alone this week (while the baby was sick). That I haven't rubbed him at all and he needed it. As I'm writing, I kind of see what's happening. I think I've figured out how to validate this
.
You guys are awesome. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hey Monucka, glad to hear the update from you!  That's probably the biggest load of good news I've seen in a post -- totally great

Keep up the good work!  And remember, no matter how awesome you are at this, you'll get tested.  If you two got to this good place from a bad place once, you can do it again if need be.

Please keep us posted -- the success is great to hear about, and if you hit any snags and are able to recover, please give us details.  My wife and I just started a white period, and I want to hang onto it as long as possible, so I'm happy for any tips!

[Mutt]

Hi Monucka,

That may be our longest time without an argument in 17 years together! I think I got a little cocky about my validation skillzz. Lol.

 

So STREEEEEESSSS.

I wanted to say this, we can't control what a pwBPD but we can control how we act and react, it sounds like you're getting a new skill down pat, keep in mind of a couple of things, the tools may not always work, all we can do is try and stress can trigger BPD symptoms.

[5xFive]

Thanks guys. He did well! He calmed down when I validated and we had a quiet evening. Until today. The stress at work is so high and he's working such long hours. I'm not sure I failed at validation, or as you said, it just didn't work this time. But he blocked me from calling and texting, and said he is dumping his phone in a trash can and killing himself. Tonight is baseball assessments for our S6 so he's afraid he's going to miss it. He started in on how it's my fault because we live in Florida and there is a hurricane coming. How he's waited his entire life to see his son play baseball and now I've taken that away from him too. I'm just la-di-da-big over here. I know this isn't my fault, and it isn't because of me. I'm just waiting patiently for him to work it out. We will see what happens. Hopefully he can make it!

[Radcliff]

Hi Monucka, how are you all doing with the storm?  I hope things are OK physically and all around, and that the literal and figurative storm subsides soon for you.  When you are able, give us a shout and let us know how you and your family are doing.

Wentworth

[Frankee]

It's really good to hear a positive outlook.  Makes everything we are doing for our loved ones with BPD, seem more attainable.  There are still days where I'm feeling lost and hopeless, but I have been feeling better more and more.  The validation thing escapes me at times.  I feel stubborn trying to validate certain things when I think he is being a lunatic.  We haven't been together even 4 years, so I'm fresh off the boat with learning all of this.  It's really comforting though.  Hearing that you have been with him for so long and it's actually working out.  Gives me hopes for my same sort of twisted version of happily ever after. 

I see that he still has his moments, but don't we all?  I don't have the emotional issues that my BPD spouse has, but there are times where I could use a little validation and understanding myself.  Right now it's been a one way street with this process.  When it comes down to it, we are human.  No matter what our level of f*ed up in the head we are at.  I want love and knowing that the mean cruel things he says aren't directed at me.  I know they aren't (most of the time), but it hurts.  I'm getting better about detaching.  Doesn't always work and sometimes I'm left feeling like a wounded animal in a trap, chewing their leg off to escape.

On the positive side, it's not complete despair.  We do have our good days and I can see when he is genuinely trying to do better.  Makes it seems not completely hopeless.  I'm in it for the long haul, so thank you for the inspiration and positive post.   

[5xFive]

We made it through the storm and h did great! We lost power and internet but he prepared himself and handled everything well. Until this morning. His work asked for volunteers (VOLUNTEERS) to assess and repair the damage. He decided to go in bc he's awesome. He woke up at 6 and it began. He hates his life. He wishes he were dead. It's all my fault, I need to figure out how to fix this or he's going to kill himself. All the regular stuff that he says. It was still dark out and he'd woken me up from the first night of sleep that I've had all week. I didn't handle it well. I got frustrated and I rolled my eyes. Ugh. He started in on how I've done this and that and I got defensive bc how have I done any of that when all I've done for the last week is prepare for a hurricane? He pointed out (by yelling it at me) that short term isn't all that affects him. Yes. He was fine yesterday. And no. I didn't do anything to make him mad while I was sleeping. BUT. We're in Florida and he hates it and it makes him hate his life and why can't I understand that? So I'm working on myself this morning. At home with no power and no internet, with 2 young kids, I'm trying to get my brain straight so I can validate him the way he needs. Wish me luck!

[Radcliff]

Wait for it... .

Good luck!

You reminded me of a couple of times when my wife was upset at me in the morning for something I'd done in one of her *dreams*!

Thanks for the update!  Glad things are back to abnormal as they say