The more I pull away, the worse it gets

[AloneAtSea]

Hi.  I should have reached out for help long ago.  Better late than never I suppose.  4.5 years ago I filed for divorce from my spouse who has BPD. ( to the best of my knowledge )  We have three small children and even though she wanted the divorce, she constantly manufactures problems so that we stay fighting, and the more I try and pull away and not respond the more she escalates.  It doesn't seem to matter that I do. She cannot be without conflict and seeks it at every turn.  After four years of litigation and enough money spent on lawyers to have put three children through college, I am sick, doing poorly at work, depressed, and feeling helpless.

So, thats the deal and it sucks. I'm hoping there is a support group in the area.

[ForeverDad]

Well, at least you have online peer support.   We've been there, done that.  We have a huge sum of collective wisdom gained from years of effort and figuring out what usually works and what usually doesn't work.

Those who have posted here have also experienced relentless conflict.  Boundaries are very important.  Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.  What you're experiencing may be described as "extinction bursts" triggered as overreaction to her fear of losing control.  If you keep to strong defensible boundaries, the conflict ought to reduce over time.  Probably won't go away due to her unstable mental perceptions.  Throw in her Denials of responsibilty, Blaming and Blame Shifting and that's virtually overwhelming.  But not hopeless.  You need focused and time-tested strategies to address her poor behaviors.  One of our best handbooks is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  Quite inexpensive too.

Typically, getting distance and some time to pass work well to reduce the conflict, maybe it's consistent and firm boundaries that are lacking, along with experience at implementing them?  Remember, boundaries are not about forcing her to observe limits, it's more about how you set limits for yourself.  As an example, have you told her that if she rants and rages, you will hang up, leave or whatever else is appropriate?  You probably have no control over her raging, but you generally have the power to exit.

By the way, if she feels her constant conflict is working (undermining your boundaries) then of course she won't stop.

[livednlearned]

Four years of litigation, ugh. That's PTSD level.

Do you have a custody order in place?

What's the nature of the conflict?

Maybe we can point out some areas where you can take care of yourself and dial down some of this conflict. You won't be able to cure her BPD but sometimes we can create a cone of peace for ourselves.

We're here to walk with you.

LnL

[40days_in_desert]

AloneAtSea, four years is a long time. Mine has been a little over two years. I couldn't imagine another two years but will do it if that's what it takes. I know, as many people here do, what it's like to deal with the constant pattern of conflict with their BPD in their lives. It isn't constant but when it comes, it's pretty bad. The one piece of advice that I offer is something that my T had told me. She said that when my ex tosses me the rope, don't pick it up. She is referring to an analogy of someone wanting to play "tug-of-war". She can't play tug-of-war with you if you don't pick up the rope that she tosses your way with the negative interactions. Only respond to what you need to respond to which is explained in the books that livedandlearned mentioned. It also explains how to respond. The BPD or HCP (high conflict personality) "needs" something from you and this is the way that they know how to get it. Because it has worked in the past. When you implement these practices explained in the books and also on this site (BIFF, EAR, SET, etc), the other person, your wife, will likely experience "extinction bursts" as ForeverDad mentioned. My problem in the past was doing this consistently and that didn't come until I had fully detached from the marriage. Inconsistent boundaries can encourage the BPD/HCP to get worse because they then don't know when their negative behavior will produce the desired affect but that it eventually will so they ramp it up to a higher level each time to ensure that they land on the right formula. Not that I blame myself, but realize that I helped create the increase in level of intense negative conflict that she directed towards me by not enforcing boundaries consistently. Before a couple of years ago, I would have never thought that she was capable of some of the things that she has done or said. 
Glad to see you join the community. The site and people here have helped me tremendously even though I've read much more than posted.

[AloneAtSea]

All. Thank you for your replies.  Apologies for the delay.  I'm not in a good place. I'm trying to get the kids into counseling. I already have a court order in place for one child which she is violating. I am working on court orders for the other two.  A lot has gone on since the last post.  Things are worse.  I go between functional and feeling emotional and psychological paralysis, with resentment for those that I thought were close that have chosen to look the other way. Trying to keep my business going, the kids taken care of, constantly fighting off increasingly bizarre allegations... .  PTSD is correct.  My son's counselor told me has has PTSD from this as well.  ITs not ok and the legal system doesn't seem to be able to protect me.  She is astonishingly good at playing the victim while being a super predator.  It feels hopeless. I have hit a wall, after all this time.

[ForeverDad]

A saying that's be quoted here in the past is this... .":)on't let the ex live rent-free in your head."

Does that make sense?  You're allowing her to consume your life by her sheer persistence in bashing at your boundaries and the court's boundaries.  Granted, most of us didn't face it quite so devastatingly as you have, but we too have "been there, done that".

Do you have your own counselor?  Someone to speak to and help you keep on an even keel, so to speak.  Your ex probably has been making so many emotionally compelling allegations because, well, they can work.  The agencies and systems are set up to protect the claimed victims first and then sort the facts out later.

Is there some way to wrap her unsubstantiated allegations and continuing obstructions up in one massive package and have it addressed in court?  While you don't want to waste time and money proving every last item, that's impractical, if you can disprove the major ones then the court can rule that her credibility is weakened and that you're are behaving as the more stable and reasonably normal parent.

Here's my story from 2009 to 2011... .  I had come out of the divorce with equal time in Shared Parenting and only a slight paper advantage by being the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  But she was still so entitled and continued making allegations.  Strangely they were only about child abuse.  I concluded that when she had to admit in court she had threatened my life that her making DV claims wouldn't work.  So I filed for Change of Circumstances.  One of the proofs of her pattern of obstruction was when my lawyer got her to admit she sabotaged my vacation plans, just 6 days, between the two standard holidays during the school's Winter Break.  There was a holiday in between, Kwanzaa, that we had never before observed.  Well, on the stand the only aspect of this holiday she could describe was candles and she said even though she wasn't Jewish she wanted to observe it with our son.  That's right, she thought Kwanzaa was a Jewish event.   The decision granted my request to proceed with my custody goal and referenced that "lack of credibility".  What surprised me was that she had claimed ("reported" that I had tried to strangle her years before.  The decision noted it in a small paragraph but thereafter ignored it.  She had lost that much credibility!

So perhaps you need to use what she has done thus far to weaken her credibility in court.  I never did get my court to say she had lied.  They did state her credibility was weak, I walked out with full custody in 2011.  And in a later case the court also stated "she had disparaged father" in son's presence and I walked out with majority time during the school year at the end of 2013.  However, I must admit it was neither easy nor quick, We had separated in late 2005 and the final decree was in early 2008.  I had to wade through the distressing mudfest for several years to the gritty end.

Sadly, the court presumes that the conflict will eventually fade.  In 85-90% of the cases, the posturing and conflict does fade.  Often the court is so ponderously slow that the parents figure it out and settle.  Almost surely that's exactly what the court expects two reasonable parents to do, to set aside their pains and life changes as the marriage is dismantled and instead Move On and focus on  the children's interests.  But our cases, due to the acting out PD behaviors, are that 10% or so where the other parent gets 'stuck' in sabotaging and obstruction mode.  Your task is to document to the court that the conflict isn't lessening and the court needs to deal with her as she is now and not as they expect a reasonably normal person to behave sometime in the future.

[Panda39]

Hi AloneAtSea,

How are you communicating with your stbx?  Phone, text, email?

If you aren't already doing so, you might want to try exclusively using email.  It is a way to slow things down, so you have time to think about your response vs just giving a knee jerk reaction. It is a way to slow things down so you can decide if you even need to respond at all.  It is also a way to document your stbxw's behaviors.

Respond only to emails about the kids.  If the email is about the kids respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) in other words keep is short and sweet.  If the email is a mixed bag about the kids but also AloneAtSea bashing respond only to the portion about the kids.  If the email is all bashing you just ignore it... .do not respond. 

Panda39

[so_overit]

Trying to keep my business going, the kids taken care of, constantly fighting off increasingly bizarre allegations... .  PTSD is correct.  My son's counselor told me has has PTSD from this as well.  ITs not ok and the legal system doesn't seem to be able to protect me.  She is astonishingly good at playing the victim while being a super predator.  It feels hopeless. I have hit a wall, after all this time.

I am wife of BPD just starting my divorce paperwork. I read your story and felt pain in my heart. I see my little daughters being torn by my nightmare. YOU MUST NOT GIVE UP! You are the only thing your kids have to protect them!

It's horrible to feel like I have to protect my children from my husband's abuse. He's 10xs more psycho since I've asked for separation, and now divorce, he has ramped it up. He told me today (regarding his attacks on us) that he plans to "double down". I'm afraid for my kids and he won't leave. BUT I will remain strong for them. I will fight to the end to protect them.

good luck to you, I am so sorry you and your kids have to deal with this.

[AloneAtSea]

It's a year later and worsening.  More money. More stress. 

[kells76]

Welcome back AloneAtSea -- glad you remembered the group here.

Sounds like things have gotten more intense over the past year. So sorry it's ramping up -- we've been there, too, and it's beyond draining.

Want to share with us what's going on? Ways we can support you?

 

kells76

[livednlearned]

In what ways is it getting worse?