Learning how to roll with it

[Lollypop]

Hi

The space has given me time to reflect. I've had a break from the forum because I was finding it difficult to validate others when I felt off balance myself.

Having a better relationship with my DS has helped us all enormously, particularly when there's been raised tension and emotions. The skills I've learnt here have completely altered and vastly improved the most basic interactions we have. We keep it simple.

It's taken us 21 months to get this far. My DS is committed to his job, he thrives on it, he's managing his money, enjoying the freedom to make his own choices and mistakes, he's excited about the next step to live independently.

I've finally learnt how to do my job as a parent. I'm not perfect but I'm better than I was; only one blow up argument in all this time is good going for us. It's never too late and I strongly encourage readers to focus on the core relationship above all else.

I feel a weight has been lifted from me.

The main problem that we've struggled with as parents is accepting his choices. His values are very different from ours at this moment in time. It's hard to watch and of course it brings internal conflict. The more I understand about how the younger generation live the more I realise that my DS is not that much different from others in his choices. His limitations and emotional dysregulation makes his situation worse but he learns by consequence.

I'm learning to roll with it. I can only do this by focussing on myself and my own happiness.

Onwards I go.

Thanks for reading.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[inthestacks]

Thanks for sharing, I have read a number of your posts and find you to be encouraging, so thank you for that.  May I ask you something, though?  I am more at the beginning side of learning all the tools and such, and I find that when I am trying to use them with my daughter, I feel very "fake," for lack of a better word.  Is this something that is normal at all? 

Hearing that you (and others on this message board) are finding ways to improve your relationships with your children gives me hope.  Thank you.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Inthestacks

At first it just doesn't feel natural and a bit wooden. As my confidence grew I became more relaxed and it started to sound more like me. My DS just wants to feel that he's understood and loved. I know we all do but for him it's critical, the slightest bit of a raised eyebrow and he jumps. It's like he's got super sensory powers!

Fake is an interesting word. Yes it would be definitely fake if you didn't understand and were saying that you did. That's why it's so important to read up about BPD and get a better understanding of the limitations and real challenges that are faced. It comes from the heart then.

There's definitely been times when Ive struggled to find the words I've ended up just giving my DS a hug. As he opened up about his problems, remember that he was testing me too for a reaction, if I was floored by some new admittance I'd just say "oh". In the early days I'd reflect on all our conversation and see how I could improve it. If I felt it went wrong I'd try a re-do within the next couple of days "oh, you know, I was thinking about what we talked about the other day and I'm not sure that.,,... "

These are my rules (I'm human and get it wrong sometimes!):
Light as a fairy in my approach.
Short statements on one topic.
Don't question or pry.
Just be there, with an open heart and a warm smile.
Let him solve his own problems.
Make him feel safe to make mistakes without judgment.

I hope this helps.

LP

[inthestacks]

Thank you for your reply.  I think "unnatural" is a better word than "fake," as I do understand a lot of her feelings, having been through my own mental health issues.  I just hurt for her so much.  I try not to tell her that I understand, though, and just try to validate what she is feeling.  I have been really trying to not give her a reaction when she says things, and have done like you said you do, simply responding with an "oh" but at this point that just angers her more.  She will not allow me to hug her lately, she cannot stand to be touched, except by her son.  In the meantime, I am doing lots of reading, and will keep trying to learn all I can in order to support my daughter.  I appreciate you sharing your rules, and am going to use them as well as I can.  Letting her solve her own problems is going to be a challenge for me, but I do know that always jumping in and bailing her out or "fix" things sure hasn't worked, so I will remind myself of that. 

Thanks so much for your input, LP.