Sigh.. back again..

[Frankee]

Yesterday was a good day.  Really didn't have any problems.  Today.  Only noon and frustrated.  We had the rental people come pick up our bedroom set yesterday.  It was too stressful trying to keep up with the monthly payments, so we let it go.  Last night, I cleared out the drawers, both his and mine, and what was on top of the safe and nightstand.  I got the old bed set up, but hadn't the time or energy to move the dresser back in the room.  So his under clothes and socks were stacked on top of my stuff and his night stand stuff was in a bag on the footstool. 

This morning... ugh.  I was preparing myself for him to be mad.  I already knew when he wakes up, he's in a bad mood.  He got upset that there weren't any towels (have to wash them), couldn't find his under clothes or socks (sitting on top of my stuff), couldn't find his shirt (in the bathroom), couldn't find his box (didn't look or ask me before he got mad).  Then he gets mad because I moved his stuff... yeah, because we didn't have a flippin dresser or nightstand!  Where else was I supposed to put it?  So I handle it pretty well until... wait for it... he accused me of moving his box saying I was lying about it being on top of the safe.  My reaction to it surprised me... .I got angry and frustrated.  I threw my hands up and said "now why would I lie about that?"  Of course, wrong to say and do.  That pretty much threw us into a huge blowout. 

His rant... I was doing this on purpose because I want him yelling in front of the kids, because I'm trying to turn them against him, and make them hate him, I enjoy making him mad, I'm trying to get him angry, I could have deescalated it, I chose to escalate it, me clearing my throat was saying "hm" and I was doing it because I know it pisses him off and that's what he was going to start doing to me when I say something... he's going to find another wife, someone else to have his kids call mommy, that they need to get use to not having a mommy, how I neglect them, especially our oldest, just like I neglect him... this next part was the key comment... how HE grew up with a mother just like me and they don't need to be around someone manipulative (serious mommy issues), how he was going to start putting his fist in my face when I did that... so on.  Now, I was avoiding eye contact, because I couldn't look him in the eyes without him seeing my true feelings.  I really wish I could tell him that it is a joke to think that he can replace me.  I would like to see any other normal mentally healthy woman step into my shoes and deal with every I do.  She may last for a little bit... but would go running for the hills as any sane person would do.  I believe I have a touch of madness to keep staying and try to work it out.

I wasn't feeling threatened, I wasn't scared, or intimidated...   I was seething with anger and rage and sarcasm.  I kept quiet, because I was worried that if I opened my mouth... all he** would have broke loose.  Once he calmed down... I sat there and tried so hard to gather all my composure to try to address the emotions.  I made it known that I want us to be a family, I want him to be my husband, that I want us to be together, not apart with the grand canyon between us with us screaming at each other for opposite side.  I could feel deep down that what I really wanted to do was to get in his face, scream at him, let out every mean, sarcastic comment I had been thinking, and then break something across his face.  It wasn't until after he left and I ranted to myself that I realized something.  I am emotionally healthy.  I am strong and bounce back easy.  It takes me a lot less time to get over it, let things go, and function like absolutely nothing was wrong.  Even with all that, I was still struggling very hard to maintain my exterior calmness and not react to the cruel jabs he was taking.  I can now see why someone who is not emotionally healthy, never developed the right tools to self sooth, could easily snap under such a wave of feeling and emotion.

He gets very upset at me that I can go from being what he thinks is a bit** and intentionally try to piss him off... to sitting there calm as a cool breeze and not react to his raging.  That's my self preservation kicking in.  While my mind is a stormy ocean of thoughts and feelings, I sit there, quiet, not reacting.  I texted him.  Apologizing for how I reacted and making him upset as well as hinting I felt he was upset of the furniture being gone and the bedroom would be back to normal when he got home.  He's giving me the silent treatment right now.  Funny how it is... he acts a fool, apologizes, I accept his apology and don't make an issue out of it.  Me... I do the same and met with stony silence.  My feelings of anger and rage when he acts this way... to me is a flag.  It means I'm am gathering the strength to not be intimidated, scared, or buckle under his cruel and intentional button pushing. He thinks I do it when I am just reacting to his sudden outbursts.  (Which I know I need to work on) Now I just have to find the strength to channel those emotions into helpful tools to set boundaries and actually enforce them.

[Frankee]

Did a little reading.  Starting to calm and get my focus back.  As much as it hurts, I understand something after reading some information of BPD and the abuse.  He did revert back to a child like stage.  I was unable to reason with him earlier.  But the whole "I'm like his mom" comment hurt and I couldn't see what was really happening until just now.  He honestly did perceive me like his mom.  When he scooped up our baby (who looks just like him and almost 2) and told him that he didn't need to be around someone like me and he needed to get use to not having a mom... something just clicked.  Nobody did that for him.  Nobody scooped him up when his mom abandoned him on his dad's doorstep.  Nobody held him tight and said that it was going to be alright and nobody was going to hurt him.  I only saw at the time he was trying to hurt me emotionally.  I don't think it was even about me.  I think he emotionally transferred all those unresolved feelings onto our baby and did what he wanted someone to do for him.  I think he was protecting what he saw as his child version of himself.  All that anger and defiance I felt earlier has just flew out the window and now replaced with a deep feeling of understanding.  I'm not going to point this out to him.  He'll probably deny it or not believe me or think I'm talking out my butt... but now I am more aware.  It's taken me some time, but I think I might just be able to see past what I feel as a personal attack and actually see what is really happening.  I hope I'm right about it.

[isilme]

I had to work hard to see when H is really yelling at his mom, his sister, or other people in his life who have frustrated and hurt him - he says he has emotional recall, like time never takes away or even helps heal a past hurt, so any situation that reminds him of the past hurt has it all crash into him again.
 
Last summer, I had him freak out over me cooking too much broccoli.  I know now it was a period of a blood sugar crash, he needed food at least an hour before we were going to eat, and he was lax about making sure to eat on time.  He got mad I cooked a whole bag of frozen broccoli, thinking I'd save it and have some with my lunches the next few days.  He threw it at me, accusing me of thinking I could gorge on broccoli and lose weight (actually, that WAS a little bit of the point, be full of greens so I'd not want crap later, as a Weight Watcher's strategy of eating 1 or 0 point foods to not be hungry, but that was not the time for that discussion). 

The real issue?  His extremely diabetic, sedentary mother, who can't even stir a bowl of potato salad without getting winded (yes, it was sad), eats huge bowls of salad (with lots of stuff tossed in that defeat the purpose of a salad) when she bothers to eat more than chips and dill dip or take out, thinking she will lose weight but doesn't get off her couch unless it's super necessary, and so she needs lots of insulin injections to keep her sugar at bay, making her gain more weight, making her eat more useless salad but not exercise, rinse, repeat.  So, he was really mad at HER, but needed to yell at me. 

It's hard to be the recipeint of unrightful anger and rage.  I am sorry.  But I will say keeping in mind that it's usally not about me helps a lot for me to keep my cool, and to not react (usually) in a horribly inflammatory way, ending the rage event sooner. 

[Frankee]

I'm feeling better today.  He actually was pretty normal when he came home last night.  Even this morning has been smooth sailing.  I'm just going to be blunt.  I sucks.  It really really sucks having a target on my forehead for any and all anger he displays.  He told me that if I ask anybody at work, they will say he is the nicest person ever... got a little steamed.  How unfair is it that his job and the public face gets the nice, friendly, smiley, seemingly normal functioning man... while I'm the dump spot for all his unresolved emotional issues and well as pent up rage and anger... so da** unfair.  I'm mean seriously!  Wtf! >:| 

I get it.  When you're at home is where you can be yourself.  Your safe spot.  Even though he sometimes says he dreads coming home and that his truck is his only sanctuary from all us a*holes.  And yet, it is the only place where he can throw up and pent up frustrations for the day or just let loose on one of his rages.  So riddle me this... what happens at work when he gets mad?  Why can't he apply the same techniques at work as he does at home?  Why?  Because he knows he can rage all he wants and not get fired or arrested for acting like a da** fool.

It's nice to just let out a little spurt of frustration and aggravation.  I appreciate the support and understanding.  I really do now that it's not always about me.  I mean, it is sometimes.  I admit that I do cause argument because something I probably did wasn't the brightest idea or did something stupid.  I know he's not always at fault for rages.  I do goad him at times when I'm feeling feisty and like a sarcastic bi***.  I can't help it though.  Sometimes I get fed up with applying all these techniques and tools and blah blah blah and just want to let my inner bi*** take the wheel for a bit.  Can't always keep her locked up.  If he wasn't so emotionally wacked out, I could probably let that side run loose more without worrying about severe repercussions.  I can be mean as hell.  My ex did something horrible and when I found out, I contacted the U.S. Marshal's Metro Fugitive Task Force and told them that he was hiding out from the law, described every thing about him to what his truck looked like and last known location.  Now he's serving time in prison and they even thanked a "tipster" for helping apprehend a fugitive in their news article.  Want to talk about getting back at your exes... that's one or the books .

So that was a little off subject.  But yes, it's hard and I'm trying.  Sometimes our personalities clash.  When I'm feeling defiant and feisty, I find I slip a little on applying the responses and everything else suggests.  Then again, he fell in love with me when I was a different person than the person typing this today.  When we met, I had a "Idgaf" attitude, if you don't like me for who I am, not my problem, tough, independent, didn't take crap from anybody, happy, hung around bikers and able to throw down... .man... I miss that chick... She's still in there, somewhere.  He squashed all of that over the past couple years.  Letting his BPD symptoms take control.  But me, I'm not going to let this moment be set in stone.  I refuse to give up, I'm not going to let my life be like this.  I want to be that woman I was before I was crushed under his unresolved emotional issues and target for all his rage.  I love him and I will be with him, but it's time I start getting back to the person I know I can be.