Painted black again ... wants divorce.

[Red5]

It’s been 23 daze, and just like that, I was painted black again, although there were a few “flare-ups” during the 23 day period.
This seems to be the normal cycle, three weeks.
And once again, it was over my autistic Son, this particular time (repeat) its visitation with his mother (ex-wife) as this week is his birthday, he will be thirty-one.
She (my current UBPDW) as usual had a complete meltdown, just one text message, followed by a phone call, and now we are in “I want a divorce” mode again, I tried my best for the last 3+ weeks to keep the peace, but this went over the top, this makes me so upset, it drains me completely emotionally and as well physically every single time.
I tried to apply my “checklist”, but she went right over and through any attempts by me to dis-arm the situation.
She even sent out a “mass” text to the ENTIRE family about how I was a liar, a fraud, and a general purpose peace of human garbage… ugh !
But you know what happened, her two grown adult children took my side, wow…
They told her that I (me) am a good man, and that I take good care of her, and she needs to re-think this divorce talk.
So divorce… She quit her good state job with benefits a few months ago, this was her second posting in ten years’ time, due to her undergoing cancer treatments, but truth be told, she was about to be counseled for her attitude, so she quit before they could do that, she is completely dependent on me now, She sold her home, quit the job, got rid of her automobile, and I got her a brand new one in my name, So why is she doing this?… why is she sabotaging the entire operation so to speak?… I have to tell you, that I am spent, I really don’t care what she does at this point, but if she does leave, and proceed with divorce, which she announced last evening that I will be financing, and fulling paying for… I will not ever allow her to come back after she goes beyond the “outer perimeter’… from I read and understand about BPD, I will be quickly replaced anyways… We have been together for ten years, and married for six.
This really sux, she wants ME to pay for everything, the lawyer, the move to Alabama, form NC, and alimony in the amount of 1k per month… All this form the mouth of the one who quit two (2), yea count them two very god state jobs with the college system, due to her “attitude”, and in the second job, she ran off two other woman who were working there because they weren’t doing their job according to her…
Does this ever end… The constant back and forth, the endless stupid arguments, the absolute destruction of everything around them?
I have had about enough, Does anyone else have a similar story to tell, and how did it turn out?
v/r Red5

[formflier]

The critical things I saw in your post, that were/are similar to my story.

Things followed a cycle.

You "tried your best". 


What would happen if you "were just yourself"?   I would bet that the cycle would continue.

I wonder if you took the "try best" energy and directed it towards you, vice the r/s, vice attempting to control/influence her outbursts... .if YOUR life would be more stable and YOUR emotions would be more stable.

What do you think?

Said another way.  I still sometimes "invest myself" in calming my wife or her "actions/reactions".

In other words my version of "progress" depends on a disordered person.  If you've been around my posts enough, you know I like to say "don't hand your future, your emotions, your satisfaction... to a disordered person"

Yet I still do it... .sometimes.  Less than I used to.

It's a powerful feeling to think you can control the "BPD thing".  In truth, we do have lots of power to "influence it"... .but still... .that should not be our focus.

Thoughts?

What do you think your wife "gets" from divorce talk?

FF

[Notwendy]

But you know what happened, her two grown adult children took my side, … wow …
They told her that I (me) am a good man, and that I take good care of her, and she needs to re-think this divorce talk.


The "sides" can be part of the drama triangle. The roles are Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer. The sides are Victim+Rescuer vs Persecutor. The roles can switch for each person, but everyone loses in the drama game.

Your BPD wife sent out an e mail about how terrible you are . She took Victim role. She was hoping to be rescued. Her kids took your side ( rescued you) but you then were in Victim role. Dysfunctional families can go round and round on this triangle.

If your wife is making threats- it could be because the threats work for her, or because she is unloading/projecting unhappy feelings, or she truly wants to leave. Those are her choices. What you have are yours. Sure she wants you to pay for everything but were she to really go through with her plans, who gets what would be determined by the court, not her wants.

Ultimately, the best "side" to be on is your side- not as a victim but as an advocate for you. If the truth is that you do good for your wife, what she says, what her children say- doesn't make it true or untrue. It's great that they advocate for you, but also a possible entry into family triangle drama. Learning the tools here will help.

[formflier]

The drama triangle was "foreign" to me at first.  Honestly, I still need to sit and reflect on a situation to start to "see" potential drama.

My best "entry" into figuring this out is evaluating "direct" communication and then evaluating "does this person have a dog in this fight"  (I'm from the South... saying makes sense to me)

Many times figuring out that although a person is talking directly to me, if they are talking about (or sharing an opinion about) a matter not "between" them and me, it's usually best to be polite and move along, without "engaging" or "debating" the issue.

This helps me make a healthy choice without having to expend the mental energy to figure out who is on what corner of a triangle.

It's hard to have a triangle with only two people involved.  Although it is entirely possible for two people to play "their role" on the triangle and leaving an opening for the "third point" to come in.

So... .to connect the dots in this situation with your relationship, the children don't really "have a dog in this fight".  You and your pwBPD both do... .as it's your relationship.  Adding others complicates things... .usually exponentially.

Hope this helps... keep working at "seeing" drama.  It will pay off.  We can help.

FF

[Red5]

formflier  & Notwendy,
Thank you for your responses, “cycles”, I had believed for a very long time, that when the conflagrations would begin, for whatever reason, that I had done something very wrong, that I had behaved, or else said something that upset my u/BPDW… you see, in my first marriage, I had been extremely (survival) conditioned, and went through the entire gambit of fight, breakup, reconciliation so many times, that I became quite codependent (extreme depression / perpetual sadness / unfaithfulness) for many years, and then after a while I began to not care anymore (self-protection mode / despondency), and the marriage continued on after all kinds of hurt, and anguish was visited upon, but now I was withdrawn from it (shell), and in the end it did end (21 years/3 kids)… so what had I become, well, I had not really learned anything, other than to be “withdrawn” – (even defiant).

I dated in the meantime after the divorce, one woman (she was also divorced a 20 yr marriage), a "whirlwind" (!), .and she did start to “teach” me about behavior disorders, as her ex-husband was a narcissist she claimed, and at the time, I did not even understand what that even meant, as I was so focused on my ex’s childhood trauma being the reason why our r/s had been so troubled and has ended, after such a long fight. This new GF, now looking back was also into many of the negative behavior traits as I see now (saw), she used to tell me, “I am way farther along than you sweetie”… “you are still just a baby”… wow… I refused to marry her, as I figured I was still too “damaged”, so she moved on, and quickly.

Then I met my current wife, and we dated for several years before we married, I used to think, as was with the previous GF, that my new love “just liked to fight”… that I must have become far too independent, and self-reliant after my first marriage had ended… keeping in mind that my current wife was also previously married for 20 years herself…

So we progressed onward, many fights, many many break-ups, and then reconciliation each time, now I know this as push pull, and I do see where the “love” bomb was set off way too soon, and I can also see the building up, so that I could be knocked back down... “I love you, I can’t live without you, I hate you, don’t ever all me again" so forth an so on , And each time I would “appropriately respond", or so I thought, as in’… "boy, I really screwed that up, guess I really am an a__ hole, and all I really do care about is myself, and my three kids (single father), I need to CHANGE" !… and that cycle continued over and over and over… then we married.

To answer your question FF, I do no think now that I was ever “myself”… I was always reacting, and probably under manipulation (constantly) I have always been one to think that I was in the wrong after all (taking responsibility / the one that ends conflict by taking all the blame), "I have done something wrong", after all, I never (saw) see it coming earlier on anyway… so I “tried harder”, to "do better"... .what a now laughable scenario… and each time, it did not matter, and you are correct, the cycle continued (continues).

Furthermore, you are also correct in your statement, “don't hand your future, your emotions, your satisfaction to a disordered person"… Since I first started to learn about BPD, which was this last November, I have learned this the hard way many times over… and as far as control or influence with my wife’s BPD, I also agree that it should not be a goal at all, at this point, and in her present frame of mind, I consider myself to be just a caregiver, and an “under appreciated” one at that, not that I expect much gratitude, but some peace would be nice, instead of constant interceptions, trying to head off turmoil, and trying to keep the peace, and her pathway cleared… “being myself” makes me think if I did, .that the entire house of cards may indeed fall down, if not explode in crescendo…  as far as divorce talk, this is what I think, I too have voiced desires about divorce at the point of sheer desperation to make the constant fighting stop, I cannot however count the times over the last six years she has packed up and threatened to move out, back into her old home, which she did recently sell… What does she get out of threatening divorce, it must be some kind of release for her, as nowadays, I present the attitude of complete apathy towards her threats… as in in, “whatever”… do whatever you want to, I don’t care anymore… albeit, this last weekend was particularly intense, she even brought her family into it all… this is a new development…

The fight was of epic proportions, I told her to do whatever she needed to do, but in the space of a hours she went from moving out, me soliciting a lawyer (she ordered me to, but I refused), complete dysregulation of me, and our marriage, to actually trying to get me to talk to her, after I had completely shut down, and retreated into the “office”… I ignored her first, then I replayed what she had told me, that she wanted to divorce, so that was it, its over, that's what you SAID you want, so go for it !... .I am done speaking to you about it, I held firm, no eye contact… and then held even tougher for a period of time, and she kept coming back into the room, at one point even putting her hands on me... .(not good)… until the fourth time she came back into the room, and just sat there and stared at me… now she loves me, but I need to change, she can't live this way, but does not want the marriage to end... .so we may have reconciled a bit… and she even gave me back my wedding band that she had taken off my dresser two days before, .all this in a space of about five hours… now today, as I sit here at work, and let this occupy my mind, even though I am in complete distrust of her intentions, as the way I see it, she has no job anymore (she quit), she is undergoing cancer treatments, she has sold her old home, she does have her own savings, but otherwise she is completely dependent on me now… Perhaps she got nervous, and this is why she tried to reconcile, after such a defiant stand all weekend… in my heart, I believe she is fighting this, she is really not sure what she wants to do, so for now, she wants to stay, She does tell me she feels beat up… this is because I am not “codependent” this time around, as marital duress again consumes me (us)... ., I am not groveling to her, I have not shed one tear, she knows I am cold hearted old ass towards this all now, and my heart is hardened due to years of BS… as so much (verbal) damage has been done, and as good as she gave, I gave back (anger), because I am no longer afraid of her leaving, and she knows this…

Notwendy, you wrote… “If your wife is making threats- it could be because the threats work for her, or because she is unloading/projecting unhappy feelings, or she truly wants to leave. ”… her threats used to work on me, but she has done it so many times, that now I no longer care, she will even say to me, “I am so sick of YOU throwing divorce into my face”… (what)... .This is her projecting as you say… I have thought about it, and I do believe that she does really want to leave, but she is unable to now, and she did tell me this during the course of this weekend’s fighting,” I can't divorce you even if I wanted to, I have no job, and I need your medical insurance”… so why did she come into my space (cave) the other night, and keep trying to talk to me… I think its fear of the unknown, I even assured her that I would “support her” as long as she would need until she got back on her feet… even 1k per month until she remarried or turned 60, whichever comes first... .plus medical insurance (retired military)... .But I know that she trusts no one (BPD behaviors)… And I understand about the triangle, -victim – persecutor – savoir…

This is the BLUF… She is not happy, has not been for a long time, if even ever... .and I am no longer able to feel as I should (thrive), this (feeling inside me for her) was destroyed long ago, I myself have a very strong default mechanism inside me that will not ever let anyone (my current wife) hurt me ever again… I will shut down, I will be belligerent to attacks, like a telephone pole in a gail force wind… And when she attacks me, I hold off as long as I can, but when she pushed (pushes) too hard, I give it all back to her… I remember pointing my finger in her face, as she was telling me this, and that… and I told her… you know, I have been wondering for a long time why you keep on doing this, And I think I know what it is, And I said, .YOU !… you my dear are a borderline personality disordered woman… And then I started railing off the “symptoms”… (Was this a mistake), “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn”… this is how far down the road this is… I continued... .“episodes of inappropriate and extreme  anger, depression, anxiety… aggressive behavior “gotcha” towards others… “mean drunk”… “multiple intensive, unstable relationships”… “impulsiveness”, and "manipulative destructive behavior"… On and on I went, and now I think I pushed her too hard, because after this, she just stormed off into the bedroom,and it was after this that she started coming back, and sought me out... .  to “talk”…

As of last night, its still very tenuous around the home, nothing knew really I guess… But she has been very nice to my Son (autistic), she even lets him hug her, and answers all his questions (he is a 7-8 year old developmentally)… However she is very somber now, and seems to be very sad, even consigned in a way, so to speak… during the talk portion, I did get her to tell me more about how she grew up, things that happened to her, and how, and why she left home a sixteen to marry a soldier that was seven years older than her, and move to Germany… So many pieces, so many things to try to fit together, to try and understand why this has been happening since we have been together, I know that this respite won’t last, as she is in turmoil, I can feel it when I am in the room with her… she will explode again soon I figure, and once again, I will be here target, as its always my fault… going to try and use the tools I have learned here, and try my best to just listen, and not get so mad/angry/reactive… as it does no good to try to JADE… but I do get very defensive (cornered and angry), and I do return fire when hers becomes so “withering” towards me… again, thank you for your responses, and sorry so long a post… v/r Red5