Girlfriends daughter has a meltdown at my house.

[Hisaccount]

Another red flag is giving up all of her friends.

Yeah guys, that is not what it sounds like. You are correct nobody should be giving up friends. I should have said She gave up her extensive dating pool or something like that.

So Here is a twist that nobody saw coming.

Things have been going really well. In case you didn't follow and only started reading here. I am taking care of her 3 daughters for probably 3 more weeks.
Oldest one is 15.
She had a melt down this weekend. It sure looks like a personality disorder to me. Sure I cannot make a clinical diagnosis, but those of us having lived with someone with a condition like that, we see the signs in the people and the family.

interesting, her family showed no signs. mom (gf) is a stable  person. Grandma is stable. Aunt is questionable. GF dad is stable. His uncles are all stable. mom's brothers are stable. All un medicated. LOL yes I asked that question while dating now.
I was aware 15 year old has anxiety problems, mom has some too. Everything else they had told me about sounded like a typical kid acting out.
Now I learn that her dad may have been bi polar, also she has tried to harm herself. She was put on medication more than once but refuses to take it. Flushed it all. She has ran off. She has done so many things that say  .

This weekend started with her wanting to go to the football game Friday night. She asked her 14 year sister to go along. On the way to the game, 15 year old was being verbally mean to 14 year old, 14 year says fine I will not go to the game with you unless you be nice to me.
It was on ever since. Friday night destroyed her room. Saturday refused to get out of bed, didn't want to do anything. Stayed home alone.
Came home to a destroyed house. food smeared and thrown everywhere. She knocked holes in the wall of her bedroom. Clothes and shoes thrown everywhere. Shampoos poured all over the bathroom floor and toiled. Marker writing on the windows and her door.
Yelling she is going to kill herself.
Total melt down.

Mom gets it under control. We all work together to clean it up and start over.

Sunday, she started being mean to her sister. Sister says something back, 15 year old gets violent starts swinging punching and kicking said sister.

I separate them. Mom gets it back under control.
Spent a lot of time talking to 15 year old one on one this weekend while in this condition. This is exactly what I was married too. The things she says. Unbelievable.

That is the short version.

I am so ready to call the cops and have her hauled off.
She is seeing a therapist. Therapist says 15 year old needs medication.
15 year old refuses meds.

I told mom there are two options here. Court order to stay on meds, or send her off to juvenile hall now.
We are deciding what the best course of action is.

Mom says she will never give up on her daughter, which is fine. But also agrees that she needs to go away if this continues.

I was rather surprised she said that. Not sure I believe it but we will see.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

How does mom get it under control?

[Hisaccount]

How does mom get it under control?

Takes her off alone. In her room "if" the rest of us are quite. Or for a drive or a walk. Talks to her and calms her down. Lets her know the way she is acting is not okay. Validates, redirects. Tries to help her cope.
Which is great as long as she allows mom to hold that power over her.
Problem is, it usually takes hours so the rest of the family misses out on life dealing with the 15 year olds issues.


I am just sitting back and thinking, so this is how it ends. LOL

[livednlearned]

I am just sitting back and thinking, so this is how it ends. LOL

I am a step parent to an adult child with bipolar/BPD (D20). And was married to a man who was bipolar/BPD for 10 years.

I understand how that particular rodeo goes.

Are you thinking about ending the relationship?

[Skip]

Is this news?  In all the time you were dating this never came up and it was never talked about?

Is there such a thing as court ordered meds?

[Hisaccount]

You guys are awesome, I had just came into the forum doing some research.

Okay, I will try to keep this short. Back story of 15 year old.
Dad killed in motorcycle crash while kids were young. All 3 girls went through counseling.
15 year old was diagnosed with some type of severe depression. Been seeing a therapist ever since.

Doesn't sound that out of the norm does it?

What I didn't know about or had never seen was the meltdowns or violent outbursts. The kids have always been shy and very well mannered around me.
The 15 year old had always been mean, or at least I thought she was mean, to her sisters. When they came to live with me, I told the sisters, you don't have to live with that. If she is not being nice, then tell her she is not being nice and you are not going to do what she is demanding you do and I had always supported them in that.
Dismissed a lot of it at the time because siblings squabble. That is normal right?
But apparently I triggered the 15 year old.

Mom, sisters and grandma, they just got used to it. Figured out how to navigate around it or suffer through it. They did not know there could be a bigger issue. They just assumed this is part of her depression and she is a spoiled brat on top of it. I mean she is going to a therapist, so the therapist would tell them if something was wrong with her?
That is what they believed.
It apparently has been ramping up the last 4 years.

Found out that on more than one occasion she tried "half heatedly" to take her life. Taking a bunch of Tylenol, or other products that would not normally kill someone.

Mom and doctors wrote it off as depression or cry for attention. Never looked any closer.
Normal teenage girl, blah, blah, blah.
But she was committed on more than one occasion for psych evaluation because of it. Each time she was prescribed medication. I think just anti depressants I honestly do not know what they gave her.
15 year old would take them for a month or so. Then flush them and refuse to take them any longer. Not sure why.

So here we are. I sat mom down and talked to her about it. Told her more of my experience being married to someone with a personality disorder. We did some online reading, browsed some on here.
Granted we don't know what her proper diagnosis could be, but the tools on this board are a life saver. They teach us to navigate the rabbit holes and support us when we need it.

Mom agrees that there is a lot more wrong with her than just depression after reading everyone's experiences. Just like what I went through, she says she could have written so many of the things she had read on here.

Kind of like when people say, it is amazing what you can get used to isn't it? and never once stop to think that this is not okay.

I caught mom just saying whatever to the 15 year old to calm her down. Basically lying to her. Then of course 2 days later 15 year old is yelling and screaming again because mom lied.

Mom and I talked about some basic steps. Being honest and consistent. Without taking blame, without placing blame. She is working on that now.

So for mom this is a whole new world. She is just starting the journey.

As far as court ordered meds, I had never heard of that either, but mom apparently has somewhere. She says when a child becomes violent and destructive as this one has. You either take her to get and eval done, if she won't go you get the cops to do it.
At that point you have a choice of sending her to a home like juvenile hall or bringing her home.
But she is at this point a criminal. Whether it be assault charges filed on her or what ever the case may be. At that point she will have to go in front of a judge. During the hearing a therapist can ask the judge to order her to takes meds.
Then when she goes off meds you call the cops and they arrest her again for breaking the court order before it gets to violence or destruction.

I have no proof of this, it is just hear say to me right now.

But it gives the 15 year old a choice. She can come home with her family and take meds, or end up in juvenile hall will they will force her to take them anyway.

When I say, so this is how it ends.
That is about me. I sat mom down and I told her. The things she said to me. The way she treated me. The things she did to my home is not okay.
I told her if she is going to make excuses or defend her daughter's actions then we cannot continue.
That is not okay what she did or said. Not just to me, but it is not okay to treat anyone like that ever.
I did my best to explain to her, it is not about choosing me over her daughter. It is about choosing herself and her other daughters and not allowing them to be abused any longer.

Mom never once tried to defend her. She agreed completely. Says she will not give up on her daughter but will send her way to juvenile hall or hospital, or whatever is needed to get her help.

Things are still escalating. At least as I see it.
The 14 year old and 10 year sisters are glued to me now. They want to go wherever I go. They refuse to be home alone with 15 year old. They are lashing out at her and letting her know she is being mean and it is not okay to treat them that way.

If you are a person of faith as I am, then I would tend to think that this is why God put them in my path so soon.

The things that I am not comprehending and trying to find answers to. So she tried to harm herself but with non lethal means, even when lethal means were available.
Through her fits, she is of sound mind enough to not break her phone, or her TV or anything that would basically cause her discomfort.

I am used to my ex where nothing was off limits, anything can be broken. Or the gun was loaded and cocked with her finger on the trigger.
So in the back of my mind I am thinking the 15 year old is just a spoiled brat and needs discipline. But the things she did and said, her actions tells me she is off the rails.

Is that part of the disorder just age related? Or has she learned she is only harming herself by breaking those things.
If she learned that, then why can't she learn to treat people better and not lash out like she does?