For those of us who are stepmoms (or any stepparent) it can be a thankless job, however, we aren't in this for awards or commendations are we? or at least I'm not. Although, some flowers or maybe a phone call on mother's day or birthday would be nice but I'm not holding my breath! (ever). When I came on board with my DH in the beginning I was fully aware of the BPDxw and, back then 9 years ago, started my journey about learning all that I could (about BPD, that infamous book: "Walking On Eggshells" he had just finished reading and told me it implied that if you currently do not have kids, then don't - not with a Borderline oh goodie what did I get myself into here was what I thought back then) but hell bent on helping and protecting him, us being a family, as best as I possibly can. I still feel that way. Although there are times when I feel I totally suck at it and know my attitude needs a total overhaul when I get frustrated and bitter (everyone feels my wrath) Which, usually isn't too often but let's face it, we're dealing with kids whose mom I despise while still trying to establish ours(my) family values and house rules and (trying to) fix bad habits I know damn well where they come from living in another completely dysfunctional existence. Miraculously, the BPDxw doesn't attempt (much) to meddle, interfere, snoop or undermine us here like she did in the early years but I still feel like our privacy in our house about what we do or say is still something that their mother will always keep tabs on. Sound familiar? I'm surprised she never put a bug in the teddy bears like a nanny cam, or at least not that I'm not aware of it Information (censored) by her, how, what, when it gets to or from each house is a reality we deal with all the time and how 'safe' the kids feel with discussing anything about their lives in two houses but especially here about their mother or the mention of her becomes this 'wall' of 'no entry'. My DH used to discuss a lot, all the time when 'she' (the pwBPDxw) would surface, yet again, in my DH's email inbox... .and, as we all know that sigh you make and eye roll with, "Now what"? exhale.
In the past year or so, it's been quiet. My SS13 and SD14.5 visit every second weekend and as they've grown into teens, we ask them about their schools and friends etc, or what the newest 'in' app everyone is communicating with, rarely having to speak with their mother or hear from her (thank god!) unless (now) she has her hand out wanting my DH to pay for half of an activity which is leading up to why I'm steaming enough to post and seeking support from anyone who feels like giving me some? pretty please
Some background history:
Keep in mind that the 'she' sold the family house a year ago this summer. The three of them (her and 2 kids) live in a rental house, that quite frankly, is a dump old and in need of updating and reno's. It's also for sale, overpriced since it was put on the market when they moved in, but she has a lease until this December. When she put her house up for sale, (without telling my DH of course kept that a secret until the sign went up or her plans on where they were now going to live) She told him (via email explanation) that she didn't like living on a busy street (lie), (that was not an issue when you accepted it gladly, in the divorce was it?) that it was 'too much work' for her (really? suddenly? huh news to us) (lie - all she has to do is pick up a phone to call a landscaping guy to mow the lawn). We think that last excuse is because she doesn't like climbing stairs - she is (chronic) morbidly obese and her knees are now giving out in her late 40's. Another b.s. excuse why she put the house up was she said that she 'doesn't want to be a landlord'. The house had a fully finished basement gorgeous suite downstairs to generate income but this was not something she was interested in obviously. We knew of maybe a couple of tenants in 8 or 9 years but everything in her life is a secret. Once she had a personal trainer move in for free so she could lose weight, she lost 100 pounds or so but quickly gained it all back plus more once that relationship butted heads and he moved suddenly out in a huff. I guess that was too much work too, laughing all the way to the bank with a generous monthly deposit. Maybe it was too much work to keep tabs on her monthly child support cheque not to misplace it? Yes, I'm bitter I admit that. She also claims to have had a 'thriving career' home tutoring after the divorce (truth: she has a teaching certificate which she's had one or two jobs in her life before marriage, assistant teaching small kids) but when she got married and quickly had two kids... .work? are you kidding? Teaching was, and I quote, "Beneath her". But... .just before the divorce was granted with a final stamp by the judge, suddenly she had to account for her share of the children's expenses and how does she pay for that? why isn't she working? asked the judge. Well, then she suddenly out of the blue had a "tutoring at home" 'thriving business'. Every chance she got, she was compelled to boast about it even weeks prior to the house going up for sale. Wow she is such a shameless liar. She got a huge divorce settlement, one lump sum, a gorgeous house designed and built by my DH for her and the kids to live. Then within 8 years of the divorce, she's up and selling. Why? Broke. ?How's that with such a 'thriving and growing business'? we asked ourselves. She's never been honest but the truth comes out in the wash eventually and I'm sure she's thrilled when her mask is finally ripped off.
That background info is relevant because she never ceases an opportunity to ask (annoy), despite how flush she is now, to shove her greedy tubby palms out at my DH having the balls to ask him to pay half of a school elective trip or activity SHE has them sign up for. The kids go to a private school, different ones. Guess who pays for their tuition? yep - DH. She has never and will never contribute to their schools because that was also part of the divorce agreement. He also gives her a complimentary 'uniform allowance' of $800 in the beginning of each school year which I'm sure she spends on herself. Recently talking to my SD she was concerned how much her pants cost. I am not joking. This woman is so bloody cheap she refuses to crack open that fat wallet of hers and spend anything on those kids. I know my SD has maybe one skirt that is probably too small, and the blazers finally are new but she will actually get second hand stuff that the school sells.
The thing that finally blew my stack was my DH and I have butted heads over him agreeing to paying half for a school trip, in the late fall (SS13). A band trip that involves cross border international travel. He is in 8th Grade and was invited to partake in Honours Band in his last report card before summer. This is nonsense to me because he struggles with music, he doesn't care about it anyway, but nowadays everyone is inclusive (PC) so it doesn't matter if you are terrible, lets get you into 'Honours'. Sorry but in my day you had to actually work for this kind of privilege AND be good at playing your instrument. His mother at the end of last year made the unilateral decision SS was going into Honours Band and not only that, knew of this big expensive trip in the fall without of course, mention a thing to his dad.
Now, suddenly, manic, we get an email from her which this was complete news to us. We know she had this under wraps since June so, all summer without a peep even from SS. Suddenly with this announcement that my SS is going (authoritative tone without question), she is 'taking care of the forms' (she needs my DH's approval first and probably for him to sign as it's international travel and his passport has a ban on it) but of course SHE is taking care of that on her own? good luck sweetie. No courtesy of asking first for his permission or anything. In the parental agreement she is to inform him prior to any activity if she wants him to contribute financially and even then she has to ask first (nicely), it's discretional whether he does or not, it's his decision. Now she has her hand out of course expecting him to pay half the cost of this trip. It works out to roughly 1500 bucks each. And the only reason we get news now is because it's due next week. He and my SD are both going on camping trips on top of this, coming up.
I told my DH, you aren't paying are you? This boundary is firm, she did not stick to the agreement, she did not let him know anything prior, no courtesy, no info, nothing in fact neither SS said a peep either since they knew back in June. It also lands on one of our weekends. Planning something during our parenting time without my DH knowing either. She knows full well but of course a borderline will never ever do what is expected (decent thing to do) or what they are 'supposed' to even sticking to a legal parenting agreement. This is nothing new of course. In the end of ( about the trip email ) she writes with indignation: "If you have any questions, contact the teacher" after telling us, not asking that she will handle the forms but this is your share amount to pay. That she had already paid the down payment (lie) while sending another email right after cc'd us to the teacher about 'forgetting to give son the cheque and whom does she make it out to?' good grief, shameless liar. BTW, My DH recently took matters in his own hands and had to take my SS to the doctors for a raging extremely inflamed case of neglected acne in the summer, which his mother has ignored, forever. In his email to her (before the recent trip email to us) he signed off, "if you have any questions contact the doctor". If she hadn't have written that in her email I wouldn't be so pissed off. It's not about the kid or the money, it's about the win. She never said a thing or answered to us about thanking us for helping with the skin issue, something she blatantly has ignored and neglected. But what a wonderful mother she is by seeing her son go into Honours Band!
My DH says he will pay half 'because if I don't, I know she will go to the school and raise a big stink about me, embarrass the boy, cause a big something' I don't want to deal with it, it's just easier to pay. I say: let her. Bring it on. You have to stick to this boundary. Nope. I try again: if you do, you show her you're caving, so what's the point in even having an agreement, she knows fully well what her obligations are. Nope. So for 2 days I've been slowly calming down. I cannot believe he is caving and paying. Again it's not about the money plus she can afford to pay all of it. Why the hell should he when he pays for everything else and then some? But this is what happens. She thrives on getting something she isn't entitled to or feels she is entitled I cannot differentiate. A boundary that shouldn't be a question that we both agree on establishing, we aren't. And it pisses me off more that he is letting his fear win. That's why I'm here to help him fight her. What's the worst that could happen? Do you give in to a child having a temper tantrum? no you do not. Let her make a stink if she wants, she will be the one that looks like the ass that she really is, too bad kiddo your mom is like this. Let the teachers know what she really is. He falls on the sword for those kids and that is so admirable but stand up to her for god's sake.
That is why I'm posting. We rarely disagree on stuff like this. So as a stepparent, even though I emotionally support my DH with life I really have no authority at the end of the day. Yes we respect one another, in fact I have no choice but to respect his decisions about the kids, it's his to make at the end of the day not mine. But it sure doesn't feel very good! We're a team, like strategizing in the war room. Even though he comes to me and we talk, advice, (rant) to the point of having to wave a white flag and say, "enough" it's too much now lets forget she exists it's not worth it and she would love it knowing I'm angry and discussing her antics. We go through this because decisions have to be made and issues arise that need resolving. Sometimes we agree to disagree and in this case I feel like I'm not heard or respected. He decides what he wants to say or do despite my input and that's exhausting.
So my question to you dear readers and fellow stepmoms how do deal with knowing a firm boundary needs to be put in front of the borderline, in this case, "no" without question what it should be to you, yet DH is still scared of the ex's antics and your not in the same boat pissed off. I try to take care of myself and do healthy things but the resentment lasts longer than I care to admit.
I know my stuff is small potatoes compared to other problems out there but I still feel like the only people who get this stuff are here and I can't talk to my best friend (DH)
Thanks for reading!
