Daughter BPD with grandchild

[Eye438]

I have had great success using this site when I was trying to get away from a BPD partner, because of support here I moved forward out of that toxic relationship. Thank god for this support group!
I am back and in need of support/advice regarding my BPD 32 year old daughter and 3 year old granddaughter in her hands.
I realize I cannot change or fix anyone but myself, I am at the point of detaching and letting go completely the relationship with my daughter and of course my granddaughter too which brings me such sadness. I can no longer walk on eggshells feeling tired and empty from erratic mood swings and manipulative behavior from my daughter. She blocks me on Facebook and talks about me to people I don't know, etc.  None of this is new, has been going on since she was 13.
It hurts me so much not to see my granddaughter and worry about her well being, but I can no longer handle the mean spirited b havior of my daughter.
I am inclined to just let go for my own self preservation and happiness.
My mother was BPD and I know first hand what it's like to experience and cope with that dysfunction.
I am reaching out for support in this very hard decision.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Eye438 that is truly a hard and heartrending decision.  :)o what you feel deeply is right.  My only thought is maybe it doesn't have to be a permanent, forever, black and white decision.  Maybe its just for now.

Take care and I hope you get support from friends and family around you, and you can recover from all the pain.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Eye438

I agree with Incadove, that is a really hard decision to make, one that needs a great deal of thought and soul searching.

Like Incadove I think it would be preferable to make it a temporary break if possible rather than a permanent one that you might later regret x

[71 and Stuck]

I read this post with great interest.  I have a situation with my daughter/granddaughter that is similar enough to be scary.  I am too new to all this to offer any advice so I am just going to say thanks for posting.  It helps me to read your situation, just to know that I am not alone, a bad person, or confused for no reason.  I hit the wall with my DD a few days ago, and I got the distinct feeling that if I continued giving in and living in fear of retribution (my DD and granddaughter live with me) that I wouldn't be long on this planet.  I have felt my health decline drastically in the last 7 months that we have had this particular live together situation.  Thanks again, for sharing.

[penny52]

Hi Eye438, It is very hard when the kids are involved, sometimes we just have to step away from the chaos to gain a different perspective, like incadove said it doesn't have to be permanent, just give yourself some breathing room. 

[incadove]

71 and Stuck please take care of yourself first - if you feel your health declining that drastically maybe its time to make a change while you are strong enough to initiate it?  You can only help your daughter and granddaughter if you are ok! 

Is there anyone else in your family, friends, or professional circle who can help you get some safety and space to improve your health?   Are there social services you could use to get some respite? 

Hoping for the best for you!  If you'd like to post more details here, perhaps some other grandparents in similar straits will have some ideas.  Maybe even just some physical boundaries?  What do you mean by fear of retribution? 

[jones54]

Hi Eye438,
We all seem to be living similar situations. My dd is 32 but thankfully no children ever. She has addiction issues as well. She has been abusive to me in a severe way since this Spring. Now that I look back I feel she has not been clean. Her rages ramp up when she drinks or drugs. She lives in a house that my ex wife rented for her 2 years ago. She helped with the rent but this stopped maybe a year ago. We have asked her to get part time work ( believe it or not she has been in grad school). She has never done it. She gets money from somewhere because we do not pay for food, gas or utilities. My ex and I along with my dd started seeing a therapist together. After a few sessions she refused to participate. Since it appears (no doubt) that she is drinking and drugging the therapist drew up 9 boundaries. More or less it was we would no longer respond to negative comments (she mostly texts and emails), not allow her around if she is using and lastly would no longer give her money or any financial help in any way. Her lease is up in October so we are coming to a head. When I read of others on this site who have children in their 50's I have to remind myself something has to change now or it may never. She has been homeless before. She states she is going to pack a couple of suitcases and move to Florida (hard to believe she would leave her 2 cats she loves). Most everyone doubts she will do this since she has no money and no place to go. This is a very scary time for me. I need to stick to my boundaries. Have not done this before to this extent (her mother always helped with housing). She needs to decide she wants things different (get sober and support herself). She dropped out of grad school much to my disappointment. But I have to keep reminding myself this is her life to choose, not mine. She blames her life ALL on me. She has had more done for her by her parents and this may be part of the problem. As they say " enabling is the lowest form of love". I wish you well and to do what you need to do to keep your sanity. Otherwise we all will be stuck in this crazy world of BPD.

[Nana needs help]

Your situation is similar to mine and I just watched the video resource about getting a lived one into therapy. The communication techniques and reading keeps me alive right now. Education is power and for me that power is not power over the relationship but power in being able to put things in perspective to move forward. I hope you don't give up. I have been close to it many times but there's always hope. Setting boundaries is better than giving up.

[atmywitsendtoo]

Hi there,

My husband and I know exactly how you feel because our BPDD just gave birth to our one and only grandchild a few weeks ago. I feel like we have been put in the position of having to make the excruciatingly heart wrenching decision of either constantly putting up with more  spiteful and nasty nonsense from my daughter than anyone could bear to be near our granddaughter, or to distance ourselves from out daughter and thus our granddaughter. There is no easy decision here. It is a heart-breaker either way.  

My daughter and grand-baby live with us and I do not know where else she could go because she only gets along with the father of her baby sporadically. The problem is that my daughter treats me like I am the hired help in my own home. She resents me for not being more helpful with the baby even though I am helping her with the baby all the time doing things for her that she could do for herself. She is very demanding and needy and you want to avoid even walking past her because if she lay eyes on you she will ask you to do something for her. It is easier to sneak out the patio gate and and then come back into the house through the front door to get to the kitchen than to just walk past her in the family room to get to the same destination more easily because if I walk past her I know I will have a whole new project on my hands. Today she shoved the baby into my arms while I was still asleep so she could make herself breakfast and eat it then after she ate she decided to take a bath with the baby and she asked me if I could sit in a nearby room so she could call me to come and get the baby when she was ready to bathe alone. I sat there in that room like a hand servant waiting for my orders. Then while she was in the tub with the baby she asked me to get my husband's baby book for her. The 60 year old scrap book his mother put together of his first days and months. Instead of just doing as I was told I said "what do you want with daddy's baby book while you are in the bathtub?" She didn't answer me which is what she does when a question displeases her. Her lack of response bothers me because I think it is rude so I ask the same question again and my daughter tells me to "go away" which is her rude response when she does not want to engage in conversation or answer a question. I asked her if she was really going to be that rude to me and she said "Yes, go away" so I went away. I told my daughter that I was going back to another part of the house where I had other things to do besides wait on her hand and foot and I left her and the baby stranded in the bath tub. I thought she should be able to figure out how to get herself and the baby out of the tub on their own OK and I went about my business. After that my daughter stopped asking me to do anything else for her (after weeks of me doing this that and the other for her) and she left the house with the baby. I assume she is with the baby's father so I am not worried, but I simply refuse to be treated rudely (to put it mildly) in my own home. The conundrum is that people with BPD have an intense fear of being abandon but their own behavior with others causes them to be abandon just as I abandoned her and the baby in the bath tub today. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. They cause their greatest fears to come true.There is no easy answer and I am sure that my daughter and the baby will be back in a few days and we will all go through something similar all over again like groundhog day.  My daughter has also made me physically ill due to excessive stress. One day when it got really bad and I felt physically very bad I phoned her baby's father in tears and I asked him if he would let my daughter and the baby stay with him for a few days and he agreed. The same day I phoned my daughter's therapist and asked him if I could hire him to have a phone session with me. He obliged and I explained in tears how physically debilitated I felt from the stress of dealing with my daughter. The doctor explained why I was experiencing these symptoms and I told his that I understood what was happening to me, what I needed to know was what to do about it. Again no easy answers except to continue in family therapy with her and to learn how to communicate with her in a more civil way. When my daughter learned of these two tearful phohe calls I made she seemed delighted. It seems that causing me pain is a source of pleasure for her. Is sadism part of BPD? I am sorry I don't have any answers for you but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Wishing you healing and good health and peace.

atmywitsendtoo