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Author Topic: She's back after 4 days.  (Read 375 times)
penny52

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 49


« on: September 13, 2017, 01:40:47 PM »

Well my undd 28 just checked herself out of a mental health/addiction place, she was in for 4 days, she says she is off drugs now. She said they gave meds for depression, anxiety and severe introversion. Not sure how deep you can get in 4 days. Don't know whether to laugh or cry, if the granddaughters (5/8) weren't involved I'd just sigh... So she called me at work, and talked about her plans for her ongoing treatment, and her plan to get the gd's back, just the same old ___, I will try to be supportive, but it's going to be very hard, I don't even want to talk to her at this point. I know, terrible right? But this just keeps going on and on. I know I can be selfish, but I have had the gds living with me for over a year, and it sounds like I'm going to get permanent custody of the 8 year old. (the 5 year old has a father) It's also the money all time... lies all the time... the time all the time... I'm sure some of you can relate. So when does a parent just bow out, I'm making my boundaries as I write this, on the phone she already said "everyone seems mad at me, do you know what it was like in the that place for me? " blah, blah, blah... She can read me pretty good, how can I support her ongoing treatment but yet distance myself?     
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2017, 02:36:42 AM »

Hi Penny52

My DS has a long term problem with drugs. He hit a crisis and we couldn't see him homeless. We took him back home at 24. It's been a challenging two years as we decided not to focus on his addictions and try to get him to stop but on our relationship instead. Its been successful in that my DS is now functioning and he'll be leaving home soon. We have a better relationship, despite the problems. This forum helped me get where we are. I'm thankful.

When does a parent bow out? This is a great question and of course you know already that for each of us it's different. All of our situations are unique and different. You've got grandchildren too and they need to be considered first.

How to support treatment and yet distance myself?  Are you paying for her treatment?  Or do you mean emotionally supporting her?

What kind of boundaries have you decided on?

Sorry for all the questions.

with regard to your grandchildren Penny. How are they doing?

Lp
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
penny52

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 49


« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2017, 03:50:16 PM »

Hi Lollypop, I'm not paying for her treatment, she is currently getting medical assistance through the state, to be truthful I don't even think I'm emotionally supporting her at this point, I have a lot of resentment, but I don't try to say anything about what she is doing.

My boundaries are pretty simple at this point, don't say anything unkind and don't get angry (hard one) the grandkids are first, drug testing for longer visits at my home. Also Money is an issue for me, I don't have much and I have read enough to know that this could be a ever ending cycle and I don't want to lose my own home.   

The granddaughters are having some difficulties, the eight year old is angry but in counseling  and the five year old is acting out a bit, nothing too serious. They were only with her for a month, so coming back to my house is reassuring for them I believe, same routines, quiet, clean, and full of good things to eat. I was lucky that they are both in school this year and had started it already. Also that they are young enough to enjoy going there everyday.

My latest contact with her has not been good, she wanted to spend Saturday (overnight) with the gkids but since she hasn't done or scheduled UA's I nixed that, I was called names and told never to talk to her again, tho I did invite her to dinner on Sunday.  Then she called back on Sunday morning to see them but the girls were going to spend the day with her ex, (who is one of the kid's dad, and closest thing to a dad for the older one)  I said yes, but only for an hour, since he would be there to pick them up. She did come over but lots of anger and words. Afterwards I cried, I don't know if I can do this.

I can't not have her coming and going out of my home as she pleases, here is where the resentment is so very strong, she seems to think she can see them whenever she wants, I don't think that is right, she lost them because of drug use and not going to therapy, this was the second time, and the kids have been in foster care/me over a year which is the state's limit, now it is permanent/again that is me. I would like to see some progress in her behavior, she is still messing with everyone's heads. I try to explain my boundaries  but she claims she is "drug  free" after 4 days in a detox center, she hasn't started any counseling, nothing.  She has never followed though, not even the last year when she knew the stakes which were her own kids, she just skirts around the edges so it looks good, but never truly embraces her problems. So that is my main problem at the moment, no responsibility for her actions,  and I think I need to stop enabling. Thanks for listening... .     



 
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Lollypop
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2017, 02:01:18 AM »

Hi Penny

It sounds as you've got the kids in a good routine and they're happy as can be. Gosh, this must help you so much. It sounds like the Dad really wants to be there for his daughter. I noticed he takes both the girls on his visits. If this seems natural for him I wonder if there's any way the girls can stay together in the longer term. I see that this situation is complicated for everybody. When is the legal side of this due to be set?

Getting upset is part of the territory. It's not just the anger and words, the whole build up to and including the interaction can be so stressful. I'm there with you, it's just so exhausting.

Obviously your daughter wants access to her kids. Once the legal side is set the ground rules are there for her to follow. I wonder how this will work practically with both you and her ex, seeing the girls tigether. I'm running ahead of myself here. One day at a time.

Hugs

LP
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
penny52

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 49


« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2017, 08:33:23 AM »

The legal side as far as visitation my daughter will really never be set, once Social Services gives me permanent custody it's all up to me, this will happen after 6 months. I enjoy that the ex takes both the girls but I wonder about the long term side, will he meet someone else and the oldest one will just be out, questions, and more questions. I also worry that he is still involved with my daughter even tho it is illegal right now, she has threaten to turn him in and than he'd lose his own daughters (he had with another woman before), it's a certifiable mess. My own thoughts on both the adults in this situation is he wants her back, and she'd go back to be with her kid (the youngest one) and not have to work or take responsibility for her life, and the insanity would start all over again.  I guess I too have to quit looking ahead and just take it as it comes. Thanks again for listening, and more therapy for everyone... have a good day.   
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