The Silent Treatment - ?

[71 and Stuck]

I am 71 years old and my 41-year-old daughter and her 19-month-old daughter are currently living together.  It's been a challenge, very complicated like all our situations, and I don't know what to do anymore.  We have lived together for two years, at first with her boyfriend (long story there) and since he left in February,  I have been overwhelmed in every way you can imagine.  I feel I have lost my own life.  The other day I exploded (the day after Irma hit us here in Florida) after trying to work out a simple issue with her.  I lost my temper big time, like I have never done before in my life with anyone.  I regretted it immediately, apologized--a lot.  Since then she hardly talks to me; however she texts tirades.  She keeps to herself spending most of the day in her bedroom with my granddaughter.  She says in six months I will be rid of her.  I don't know what that means. I found that a shocking way to settle a simple issue.  I don't know how to handle the silence.  I told her that when she was ready to talk, I would be here.  I try to engage in simple polite talk when she is in the kitchen.  She ignores me.  Should I be doing more to ease the situation?  I know she is suffering despite her actions.  How long will this go on?  How do I handle it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello 71 and stuck

I am so sorry to read about your current situation, it must be really distressing for you.

I have witnessed this type of behaviour enough times when I lived at home with my parents. It would always be my dad dishing out the silent treatment to my mum and occasionally to me also, probably when we'd done or said something that hadn't suited him. My mum suffered a lot but she learnt to deal with it. She stopped pandering to him and trying to find out why he behaved in that manner and she began to ignore his behaviour and started taking care of herself and her own mental wellbeing. He would always eventually 'come around' and act as though nothing had happened and things would get back to normal until the next episode.

You ask how long this will go on and unfortunately there is no answer to that. It is just a waiting game.

I'm not sure what more you could do to ease the situation, I think what you are doing is the right thing to do, carry on being polite to her and try not to get drawn into anything.

You say she texts you tirades, if it was me dealing with that, I would be inclined to not respond.

I may be wrong here but as I see it, when she says in six months you will be rid of her, it could be that she doesn't know what it means herself, it could be a way of her coping by lashing out. She probably is not trying to deliberately hurt you, she could be feeling unwanted and unloved and reacts the only way she knows how.

You are very wise to recognise that your daughter is hurting too and you clearly love her very much. You are doing the best you can by letting her know that you are there for her and are willing to listen whenever she is ready.

In the meantime, make sure that you look after yourself as it is so easy for us to neglect ourselves and put our loved ones first x

[Sunshine_108]

She started talking to me this afternoon, saying she was ready to talk about things.  I was glad but apprehensive.  It turns out I was right to be wary.  She just kept going on and on about how bad I was, etc.  Hurtful things that I have learned to accept.  However, after my melt down three days ago, I knew I had to mobilize me and work on getting better and wiser.  I have done a number of things, especially digging out my Eggshells book (which I keep hidden) and learned a lot more that helps me with this situation. However, living with her is tough. She needs me though as she has no money, no job, and I am the support of all of us right now which uses all my monthly pension and big hunks of my life savings.  (I am worried.)

The only thing I could do was go to my room and close the door.  Later she stood outside my door with more insults and nasty comments.  I didn't answer at all and waited to be sure she was out of "my part of the house". 

She continues to text tirades.  I think you may be right about not answering them.  Still I wonder what I might be doing that could possibly help her on a deeper level even if it doesn't help the situation.  Should I text that I love.  Always will.  Will not abandon her, ready to talk if we are both kind to each other, things like that?

[wendydarling]

Hi 71 and stuck

Welcome to the family   You are in difficult situation, I'm glad you found us for support as you move forwards, you'll meet parents here who understand what you are dealing with, in similar situations, you are not alone  

As Feeling Better says be polite and try not get drawn into anything, including responding to texts is good advice, while I have never been tirade by text we can ask ourselves what will responding achieve, feeding fuel to their fire?  I welcome others views on this as it's often raised here. It's hard not to take the behaviour personally - you apologised, she's holding it (for now), struggling to communicate with you in a healthy way. If your DD sees you are relaxed, going about your business and your self care - visit a friend, listen to your favourite music, bake a cake, paint your nails, make a present for someone you care about - anything that makes you feel good, she'll feel it. In some situations positive actions are more helpful that words for that all important break through moment. My 29DD daughter is an expert in reading everyone's facial expressions  

In 6 months time, may not be a threat? She may feel a burden on you and is hopeful of finding her own accommodation?

Is this the first time you have experienced silent treatment from your DD?  

Hugs to you  , the resources and wonderful community of parents here have help me turn my situation around from crisis.

We care. Keep posting, best decision I ever made 71AS!

WDx