I'm living ok with problems

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm just reflecting and hope you bear with me. I don't want to sound preachy. I just want to try and explain my journey (I hate that word!). I've learnt that life just isn't perfect and it's been a hard lesson for me.

I honestly thought I was superwoman and no problem was unfixable. I saw my role as "super fixer" sweeping down to the rescue with my halo firmly attached. As the problems got bigger I found I had to exert more effort and imagination to find a solution or workaround. I'd read, watch YouTube, call drug helplines, speak to teachers  always looking for that golden nugget "oh, you just need to do this... .to fix it". In the chaos of emotion and circumstances it's difficult to see never mind think when everything seemed to be happening at once. Piece by piece, my dreams and expectations of my DS evaporated.

Getting caught up in the dramas was so exhausting.

I was actually powerless and I hated it. I knew I had to step back from my DS and let go. I found it incredibly difficult to do so as I knew he'd spiral down. I gave myself one last push to try and at least have a relationship with my DS. Whatever happens in his life he's needs us in it.

It's been successful. He's not in treatment. He still takes drugs. He blames us. He finds each day a challenge emotionally. He doesn't eat well or sleep well. It's successful because he's now functioning. He can financially support himself. He knows he can turn to us for emotional support and he's not on his own any more.

We've found a way to still be a family. I don't know if it will last but there's no point in rolling that tape forward. I love my DS, I worry about him coping and a part of me wonders if one day he decides to end his life. I can't let this affect how I live my own life. None of us know the future.

Validation is a powerful tool in letting my DS know he's loved and understood. The other thing I've done is stop solving his problems. I may make a suggestion sometimes but rarely. He can do it himself, it just takes a while. The communication skills have helped me have better relationships with my husband, other son and my sister. I'm grateful.

For now, life's ok and that's ok. I'm thankful I can say that.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Lollypop,
Thank you for sharing. It must have been such a difficult journey for you.  All of us are on a journey, and when you share with us, it helps us get through another day. 
I'm hoping your journey has helped you find peace in your life.  Wishing you happiness!
1hope

[Lollypop]

Hi there 1hope

I always hoped that things would get better. They have but not as I wished. I wanted my DS to be happy. My own expectations and dreams, not just for him, but for the wider family, have had to alter.

When I came to this forum there was little hope. I got myself a goal for him to live independently. We are nearly there. Somehow over the time, as our relationship improved, I raised my expectations and that caused me problems. I got unrealistic. I started to feel that he should feel grateful for all we'd done together, that he should seek treatment and that he should ultimately take better care of himself and what he puts in his body. I started to think that because we'd got a better relationship I could change him. Silly me. Back to my old ways.

Two steps forward, one back. Overall, there's been great progress. I needed to work this out and then actually feel it. It sounds a bit mad but there you go.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

LP