She called again last night... This time I answered

[Fishmedic]

So its been exactly 4 months now since she discarded me the week before Morhers Day, and then I saw her the day after Mothers Day at the park with her new BF and his dog. This was her new soul mate, love of her life, perfect guy etc etc that she was posting on instagram 2 weeks later. We were together on and off for 6yrs, went through it all, including the loss of her Mother 3.5yrs ago, which really made her a lot worse. She did some light stalking throughout July by showing up at the gym while i was there, but pretending not to see me. I finally confronted her, and you know how it goes, she was threatening me with an RO and trying to get her new BF involved. I heard nothing for 3 weeks, then she began leaving voicemails again. First one threatening the RO still, stating she had paperwork from the police and didnt know what to do etc etc. Then a week later stating she decided not to do it, wanted to be the better person, wishes me the best, sorry for everything, was crying at the end telling me to always choose love over fear... .  Then some missed calls from blocked numbers, then calling me at 1:30am on the long weekend while i was out with friends. Ive not responded to anything since July.   
Last night around 10 i get a call from a random number. I answered, its her. We talked for about 5mins, she said she just wanted to make ammends and hoped i was doing well. She was prying a bit, asking about my family, work, my dog etc which i just replied all is good. After i hung up, i had a very strong somatic reaction. My whole body was shaking and vibrating, even my teeth were chattering. It was like talking to a ghost. 4 months of no contact, yet she's in my My thoughts always. I know i shouldn't have answered, but i did. I dont know if this will increase her attempts, or decrease. I feel as though i relieved her guilt by acknowledging, as she kept saying she wanted to make ammends. I told her all is good, no hard feelings, and that i wish her the best, but it isn't appropriate to contact me anymore if she's with someone else. She agreed. 
 
Either way, i'm doing much better than i was in May/June. I still miss her a lot, love the girl, but i know for me, unless she commits to serious therapy and acknowledges her issues, i can't ever go back to that stress and drama. I hope one day she finally gets that help, as she deserves a good life and to be happy, but i'm not holding my breath or waiting for it happen.

[Mutt]

Hi Fishmedic,

I feel as though i relieved her guilt by acknowledging, as she kept saying she wanted to make ammends. .

Do you feel like you got closure?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

Either way, i'm doing much better than i was in May/June. I still miss her a lot, love the girl, but i know for me, unless she commits to serious therapy and acknowledges her issues, i can't ever go back to that stress and drama. I hope one day she finally gets that help, as she deserves a good life and to be happy, but i'm not holding my breath or waiting for it happen.

You sound quite at peace with the situation now.  How would you feel theoretically if she contacted you after the current relationship ends?

Love and light x   

[Fishmedic]

Well, I don’t know. It was nice to have a somewhat amicable conversation with her. She sounded as though she had a little clarity, even though she played a game to get me on the phone, but I didn’t bother bringing it up. (She called first to see if I’d answer, but wasn’t on the other end). I don’t think it’s closure, only because I know she will pop back up at some point, but it was nice to kind of, be on good terms, or as good as they could be.

Harley Quinn, it’s funny you mentioned that. She was apologizing and saying she did what she did because she wanted to be respected, didn’t want to be insulted or talked down to etc etc. I said that jumping right into another relationship with someone else is a poor solution to communication issues, which she replied “Ya, I know, it was a big mistake”... .

I’m ruminating on this today. She didn’t bring the new BF up in this conversation, where as most of her voicemails she has referred to him even by name. I’m wondering if this new relationship is now over after 4 months. So theoretically, I don’t know yet. I guess I hope some more time passes before her next contact, as those moments of clarity she has are something I do miss. But if he’s out of the picture, or exiting the picture, then based on the last 2 months of her continuously trying to reach out, that she may have shifted her focus back on me. It’s validating, but like I said, I have boundaries now, and unless she’s in serious intensive therapy, then I can never go back down that road again. Thanks for the comments and questions to ponder.

[blueblue12]

Fishmedic take care of yourself and keep strong. It sounds like she is coming back for you, checking you out, seeking your situation. I wouldn't be surprised if you start getting more frequent calls. It also sounds like the other guy is out or on the way out. My ex started to contact me strongly after her new guy was deemed a bad choice, "a mistake" as she put it as he was "selfish and terrible" and then she started on me again trying hard to get me back. We did have ine recycle and since then I have stayed away but still get the monthly text, call or email about "something" usually silly stuff that she could easily sort out. It is hard as like you I have strong feelings for her, miss her and think about her every day, but unless she changed her ways there is no chance of thinking about our relationship. The derailment of our marriage was so painful, I couldn't do anything about it, I was the bad guy and that was it. Keep strong and keep it short in future, try to avoid her seducing ways, my ex has that expert seductive way, you can get hooked instantly. It's too sad... .

[Fishmedic]

Raul,

Agreed. Your first few sentences I can relate to exactly, as last year we went through something similar. She jumped into a relationship with a “friend” who she wanted to “give him a chance” at making her happy. I was uniformed, and it triggered me to fight for her. Similarly, after about 3-4 months, all of  sudden he was “making mistakes” and “doing it to himself”, is what she would say to justify emotionally cheating on him by calling and texting me daily. This time around, I completely disappeared, and as my T and I have discussed, she was likely expecting me to fight for her and “win her back”, like it’s some sort of sick game where she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I did not do this, so she started the stalking game. My understanding, is her and new guy have already “broken up” at least once, as my mom informed me by checking her Facebook. This was about 3-4weeks ago, but they have since been back together. From what I’m guessing, is she’s already devaluing him, and looking for her next soft landing. The fact she even admitted it was a mistake, makes me think she’s all but done with him, so I do expect the calling and contact to pickup, especially now that we are somewhat on amicable terms, as a month ago, she was threatening and trying to get a Restraining Order on me. Never ending cycle of drama. It’s very tough mentally and emotionally, but I could never put myself back in that situation, and I plan to enforce my boundaries, not matter how tough it may be.

[SuperJew82]

Raul is right. She is checking in to see if you are still available as a source. I personally don't think she was really concerned about your well-being. My therapist said it best " BPD sufferers never keep their all of their eggs in one basket "

I wish I could check in and see how my ex was doing ( truly concerned about how she is doing - her safety) but it's not worth the risk of being sucked back in.

I have done that before and the texting madness afterwards is pretty bad. Made life suck.

[Fishmedic]

Yep, absolutely. I just saw she has her online dating profile back on tinder as of this morning. She's definitely looking to come back. Guess the new  guy didnt pan out. Guess i'm in for more contact

[SuperJew82]

Let us stay strong, my friend. As Captain Picard would say in this situation: Shields up! ( sorry for the nerdiness! )

[Fishmedic]

Amen brother. Thanks for the support. Won’t lie, I’m ruminating like crazy right now. It’s all I can think about. Especially Friday night when she made the comment “I know, it was a mistake” when I commented on her jumping into a relationship with someone she doesn’t even know. I didn’t comment any further or probe, and now she pops up on Tinder this morning, presumably looking for me. I haven’t heard anything from her, so who knows, maybe she thinks the doors closed now and will find some other sucker to manipulate for another 4 months? Wishful thinking, I know it’s coming. Just don’t know when or what form. I have her blocked on FB and her cell phone, but I’ve been getting calls from unknown numbers and random phone numbers the last week or so. 

[SuperJew82]

So many times I have fallen off the wagon.  The more times I have fallen off, the better it becomes and the longer the NC periods are. The worst mistake that I could share with you is that that there is no such thing as simple, normal, and civil conversation with them. It usually comes with an ulterior motive. Just unblocking and checking in will lead to another spiral down the roller coaster. They are very very good at provoking emotion, as they need that validation to feel their emptiness. I always ended my last goodbye message with encouraging words and urged her to go to therapy as she is worth growing and improving.

I have fallen back on the roller coaster at least 4 times already - but each time I have made it less of an impact. I also have friends that support me on this, one threatens to kick me in "who know what place " if he see's her car in my driveway again.

It's hard man... .but once you step outside of the battlefield you might hurt still - but you can feel your anxiety levels go down right off the bat. I think I rather be temporarily depressed vs on the verge of being put in a straight jacket.

I'm working on a system that will keep me from doing it again. The guys on the board have some really great ideas. I also think every time I strayed from NC correlated with the time I stopped coming here for sanity checks.

[blueblue12]

Fishmedic, my ex also has those moments of clarity where she acknowledges what I really know to be true in my heart. She called me a while back and told me that the times we had were "the happiest in her life" she had a tough time growing up and her choices of companions were always terrible, her relationships were always short lived, a few months here and there, well our relationship and marriage lasted nearly ten years and I was fully dedicated to her, did everything for her, I know I was super codependent and was happy to provide to make her happy, at the end though I was "too controlling, insecure" a bad guy.

Few months after leaving me I was "the greatest love of her life". The problem here is that it is not lasting, it eventually derails and arguments start out of nowhere, I can't do that anymore. After spending time with my T who was the first T to say "she sounds borderline" I learned much about her ways. I had no idea.

Like you we have feelings for our partners but we also know that there is something wrong that may not be fixable and sooner or later we'll end up in the same scenario. It's not great is it. Someone wrote here that all these relationships have a 'due date' and now I understand that to be correct. Mine lasted ten years, I don't know how that worked now that I analyse it further, I must have been a very good companion for her, a relief for her bad life for a time until I was painted bad in her mind.

[Fishmedic]

Absolutely man. We were on/off for 6yrs haha, not “together” that whole time. But this is definitely the longest we’ve been apart. Last year she started dating a friend, but I was still in the picture the entire time. This time I completely disappeared. We went 2 full months of NC before she started showing up at the gym while I was there, then sent me all the apology texts, and how well she’s doing and that her new BF is aware she’s messaging me etc etc. Then when I confronted her about the stalking, she threatened an RO and hasn’t been back to the gym since. But about 3 weeks ago she started leaving me voicemails, 1 a week, every Tuesday, then a cluster of calls over the long weekend from different numbers, then nothing until this past Friday night when I answered. Now today, I see she's on Tinder. It’s all such a mindf#ck, and I’m doing alright, but I just hope I can resist if she really turns on the seduction. I feel like it’s coming, but who knows, maybe she got the vibe I wasn’t interested on Friday night by not answering her questions. Who knows. My intuition tells me she’ll be reaching out again very soon.
I’m just heading to hockey now, and it’s the only time I have to drive past her apartment building. Last Sunday the BF’s truck was parked outside where I always park, so I’m curious if it’ll be there again tonight. I guess when it comes to people with BPD, it’s never straight forward, and just because she has her tinder profile up again, and is reaching out to me, doesn’t necessarily mean he has any idea what’s going on.

[blueblue12]

It's a really insane scenario, how can you really work them out. When my ex left me, it was all done, she went on a trip, I was left to sell the house on my own and pack my things to leave. While cleaning around I found notes from a guy, so she obviously had a new relationship developing, so that was it for me. I left and send her a goodbye note. She immediately started to call me and text me crazily "you can't say goodbye, etc, etc" it was nuts, she even got her mum to call me! I did not reply and kept NC for two months. She then started again, relentlessly trying to get me to see her for "a minute, just for a hug" well my T said at the time meet her but don't get too close. Well I did everything wrong, we met she cried uncontrollably for fifteen minutes straight, not a word, a few hours after talking and kissing we were back together! But it didn't last lone before the arguments started so I kept away after that. It's terrible really, not much future there.