theexpendables
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4
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« on: September 18, 2017, 01:05:57 PM » |
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I am in desperate need of encouragement.
My husband divorced his ex-wife who I believe is undiagnosed BPD over 9 years ago. After a nasty custody battle (which there was a suicide attempt, positive cocaine test, negligence on x's part) the kids came to live with us. We moved to a different state so that my family could provide a strong support system. My husband is from a different country and has no family here. One of his children has lower-functioning autism and requires a lot of work, the other has severe ADD and trichotillomania (she pulls out her hair). My husband is also limited when it comes to written communication in English, and he also travels a significant portion of the year. As someone born in the US, it is much easier for me to navigate through these things.
The kids came to live with us in 2009. X had holiday and summer visitations. In 2015 she moved to our state. Visitations remained pretty much the same, with a couple extra weekends thrown in. X stays out of kids affairs, including P/T conferences, IEP meetings, Doc appts. She let me pick the special education school my ss would be attending. However, when the kids visit her, she goes against all over our behavior systems. I know that's common among divorced parents, but with an autistic child it can lead to severe regression.
She has a love/hate relationship with me. Sometimes she'll say how wonderful I am and how grateful she is that I am in the kids' lives (that's usually when she's drunk/high or asking for something). Right now, I am the enemy.
After a nasty conflict this summer, in which she threw a television down the stairs and scared my ss (who she kept out of school bc she didn't want to take him), my sd has not wanted to see her mother. We've spoken with a lawyer who believes we can modify, but since we already have primary custody, the only thing we could do is maybe change up the schedule so they don't have to go the whole 3 months, and perhaps get her to contribute to health insurance (she does not give us any financial support). We've been warned that if we do this, we could open Pandora's box and she could seek MORE time with the kids (not that I think she wants that - but I do think she would do that bc this a game to her). The courts like to give mothers more time with their kids, even if her past history is marred with inappropriate behavior. SD & SS are 15. SD has 3 years until she can be done with all of this. She's at a critical age, and any more time with her mother could prove disastrous. So we are not sure what to do about the legal route. It's long, expensive and nothing is certain.
Anyway, X moved to a closer location (about 25 minutes away). She is renting a 2 bedroom apartment at a luxury apt complex. She told my daughter she didn't want a 3 bdrm bc the kids aren't there enough (they are there 100 days a year). SS absolutely needs his own bdrm -- he is cognitively around 4 years old and going through puberty. I expressed to x that maybe sd doesn't want to go bc she doesn't have a private space. X told me she is on the waitlist for a 3 bdrm (also $400 more a month). I had to google the apt complex bc the address wasn't popping up on GPS. On the website it said they have 3 bdrm apts available immediately. I mentioned this to her and now she's gone unhinged and told me I'm a stalker. She said she was waiting for the right floor plan and color scheme. Hmmm, I guess that's more important than providing a living space for your child? I know it's bc she doesn't want to pay $1600/mnth for a 3 bdrm. I do find it hard to believe that that is the only apt complex in the area that has 3 bdrm apts. We live in the midwest, you can rent a 3 bdrm house for $1300.
She always accuses me of stalking her. I've never done anything like that. When we went through the initial custody battle, I found information that she publicly posted on the internet about failing a cocaine test and asking for advice for a cleanse. I found blogs where she was lying about where she had taken the children for the weekend, and also where she left them with someone we had an order against. She is a compulsive liar. All I do from time to time is to check to see if she has been arrested (which she has been a couple times) and seeing public postings. She refused to let my daughter see a counselor at my therapist's office, even though our court stipulation says we are allowed to (but she refused to sign off). She went to see the counselor (first time ever even though sd has had 3 different ones) to tell her why. I have a standing appt with my counselor once a week. I guess she made her appt with other counselor at the same time as my scheduled appt. Again, she says I stalked her by showing up. Even though, I've been going for over 5 months same date and time. I know I can prove that I'm not stalking, but it pisses me off.
I'm so tired of being attacked. She refuses to address me in email communications about the kids, even though she knows that I'm the one responding and I'm also the one caring for the children the majority of the time. My husband has a specialized trade that requires extensive travel and there are really no other options available for career at this point. He is extremely supportive of me, and when he is home is active in caring for the kids. In therapy, I've learned that there's not much I can do about this. That I need to stop caring what she thinks of me. You can't reason with an irrational person. I'm just tired of it. I am not perfect. I have at times played into her trap. I've said mean things and gotten her worked up. I will say that I have 100% of the time tried to do what's right. I put my career on hold to raise her children because she no longer could.
If it came down to it, she does not want them back. She just wants me out of the picture. She wants to drive a wedge in my relationship with my husband and my children. They were not happily married, but my husband was her meal ticket. I know she regrets screwing things up with him.
I just hate being sucked into this. I am trying so hard every day raising two children, each with unique needs. I have reports from teachers, doctors, case works, etc saying how great the kids are under our care. Why can't I just let it go that I am on her axis of evil and I will never get any gratitude for what I've done? I am public enemy #1. She likes to play games to make it seem like she's in control. She knows how important schedule and routine are in our house so she deliberately likes to mess with it. She thinks that hurts me. I don't care what she does to me. I care about the kids. But I am not legally their mother, so I guess what I think doesn't count. I love my husband and I love these children like they are my own (and they love me). But, alas, they are not.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? There is so much more to this that I want to write, but I don't want to relive it all right now. I wish I could say that the end is in sight since the kids turn 18 in three years, however, my ss will require lifelong care, and she gets equal say in decisions. So there is no end to this. I will be attached to her forever.
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