The anxiety is unbearable, anticipation of her texts, I blocked her today

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my ex and I have been LC, she texted me yesterday because I ran into her with the new date last weekend. We had an argument via text yesterday. Her blaming me for catching me on dating sites for 2 days and me blaming her for getting into a relationship so damn quick. Then she continued to tell me that if I had find someone good on the dating site, I would have done the same... .etc... .she blocked me then. So I have been having MASSIVE anxiety all day, woke up 3 times last night, looked at my phone waiting for her texts, reading on BPDs getting into rebounds, then trying to fall asleep. Stomach clenched the WHOLE time. I've been reading a book on addictive relationships which is amazing btw and I identified that I am a love addict, and I am majorly addicted to the drama of this woman. So today, was talking to a coworker and gave her the pw to my phone and I decided to block her. She will check on me when she sees my phone to keep her blocked. I blocked her from FB and email too so I don't get any info from her. Here is the sick part... .I want her to contact me. She has a way... .my work. I want to hear her call and ask for me, how sick is that? My ego couldn't handle her blocking me while she was sleeping with someone else so I had to block. Now the challenge is to keep her blocked because I always block and unblock just to see anything from her. Any message from her gives me power, makes me know she is thinking of me. Our last relationship she used to message me every month while dating someone else, then we got back together again. So I want to ask whoever is reading this to help me keep this woman blocked. I wish it can work out, I really wish and I miss her so much. Sometimes I think this is a mistake, the break up was a mistake... .we should have gone to therapy like she suggested. But then her dating someone right away tells me she doesn't love me the way she claimed to. I am disappointed, shocked and terrified at the scene of her holding someone else's hand. My heart is aching ALL THE TIME. Thats why my coworker said today that I must block her otherwise my anxiety will be off the roof for weeks when she texts me. I tried that last fall and it happened... .everytime she texts, I get so happy, then she blocks then I am sad... .then she texts, I get happy, then she blocks... .on and on until we got back. My therapist wants me to let her go for good... .as in never imagine being with her again. So tough... .I almost can't do that... .I want to be with her, but will never forgive she is with someone else after she said she loved me so much.

[Freeatlast_1]

So my ex and I have been LC, she texted me yesterday because I ran into her with the new date last weekend. We had an argument via text yesterday. Her blaming me for catching me on dating sites for 2 days and me blaming her for getting into a relationship so damn quick. Then she continued to tell me that if I had find someone good on the dating site, I would have done the same... .etc... .she blocked me then. So I have been having MASSIVE anxiety all day, woke up 3 times last night, looked at my phone waiting for her texts, reading on BPDs getting into rebounds, then trying to fall asleep. Stomach clenched the WHOLE time. I've been reading a book on addictive relationships which is amazing btw and I identified that I am a love addict, and I am majorly addicted to the drama of this woman. So today, was talking to a coworker and gave her the pw to my phone and I decided to block her. She will check on me when she sees my phone to keep her blocked. I blocked her from FB and email too so I don't get any info from her. Here is the sick part... .I want her to contact me. She has a way... .my work. I want to hear her call and ask for me, how sick is that? My ego couldn't handle her blocking me while she was sleeping with someone else so I had to block. Now the challenge is to keep her blocked because I always block and unblock just to see anything from her. Any message from her gives me power, makes me know she is thinking of me. Our last relationship she used to message me every month while dating someone else, then we got back together again. So I want to ask whoever is reading this to help me keep this woman blocked. I wish it can work out, I really wish and I miss her so much. Sometimes I think this is a mistake, the break up was a mistake... .we should have gone to therapy like she suggested. But then her dating someone right away tells me she doesn't love me the way she claimed to. I am disappointed, shocked and terrified at the scene of her holding someone else's hand. My heart is aching ALL THE TIME. Thats why my coworker said today that I must block her otherwise my anxiety will be off the roof for weeks when she texts me. I tried that last fall and it happened... .everytime she texts, I get so happy, then she blocks then I am sad... .then she texts, I get happy, then she blocks... .on and on until we got back. My therapist wants me to let her go for good... .as in never imagine being with her again. So tough... .I almost can't do that... .I want to be with her, but will never forgive she is with someone else after she said she loved me so much.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Freeatlast, Your push/pull experiences are quite typical and your feelings normal in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD.  Blocking her shows good boundaries, in my view.  It's easy to second-guess oneself and to ruminate on what might have been, but the sad reality is that it's doubtful that anything you could have done would have changed the outcome, so give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you focus on yourself and get back to being you.

LuckyJim

[confused4now]

 , Freeatlast, Sorry your going through it! Anxiety sucks... .I suffer from bouts too. I go through the doubt and the push/pull as well, I don't think we would be on this board if this was not extremely painful and confusing. I am in the middle of a very painful divorce that seems like a bad dream, I feel like I am watching a movie about someone else.  How long have have you been broken up? Is this the first time?  I have done tried to break it off so many times, but always went back. I too could not stand the with drawl period. It is so strange, the longer he was gone the more anxious I got, because I was always waiting for the get back dance to happen. The rush was awesome. I personally had to get to the point where the pain of being in the relationship was so bad that no rush could revive it. My soon 2 b ex moved out about 5 weeks ago, I had LC the first week, big fight, then NC. I had so much anxiety, then slowly it has subsided. I think I am reading the same book, I know I am addicted to the drama. NC is the only way I am able to move forward, I know now if I let him in my head, I am sunk. All of this work for nothing! Almost everyday I get triggered, I start doubting my decision, and then the fantasy starts about how this time it could be different. I was doing it today for a long time.  He moved most of his stuff out while I was at work. My brother was here and mentioned to him about signing the papers for divorce that he has had for 5 days. He told him he was having a hard time b/c he is sad and does not want the divorce. That's all it took, I am off at the races, doubting my decision.  That is why I must have NC, I  get sucked in by what he says not what he does. I remind myself of the  literature I have read. Highly unlikely after so many recycles, this relationship will get better. I have to rely on that, b/c  going back has never worked. For my sanity, I have to let go and trust this is not where I drop anchor... I hope you get some relief, I know how hard it is.

[Freeatlast_1]

, Freeatlast, Sorry your going through it! Anxiety sucks... .I suffer from bouts too. I go through the doubt and the push/pull as well, I don't think we would be on this board if this was not extremely painful and confusing. I am in the middle of a very painful divorce that seems like a bad dream, I feel like I am watching a movie about someone else.  How long have have you been broken up? Is this the first time?  I have done tried to break it off so many times, but always went back. I too could not stand the with drawl period. It is so strange, the longer he was gone the more anxious I got, because I was always waiting for the get back dance to happen. The rush was awesome. I personally had to get to the point where the pain of being in the relationship was so bad that no rush could revive it. My soon 2 b ex moved out about 5 weeks ago, I had LC the first week, big fight, then NC. I had so much anxiety, then slowly it has subsided. I think I am reading the same book, I know I am addicted to the drama. NC is the only way I am able to move forward, I know now if I let him in my head, I am sunk. All of this work for nothing! Almost everyday I get triggered, I start doubting my decision, and then the fantasy starts about how this time it could be different. I was doing it today for a long time.  He moved most of his stuff out while I was at work. My brother was here and mentioned to him about signing the papers for divorce that he has had for 5 days. He told him he was having a hard time b/c he is sad and does not want the divorce. That's all it took, I am off at the races, doubting my decision.  That is why I must have NC, I  get sucked in by what he says not what he does. I remind myself of the  literature I have read. Highly unlikely after so many recycles, this relationship will get better. I have to rely on that, b/c  going back has never worked. For my sanity, I have to let go and trust this is not where I drop anchor... I hope you get some relief, I know how hard it is.

Confused, we broke up 2 weeks ago. In total we probably broke up 30-40 times in 1.5 years LOL. She always says abandoning comments like "its over", "I can't do this" so that kills me and I distance myself. I can't stand those comments. We recycled MANY MANY MANY times. Now she wants me to go to therapy with her as a contingency if we get back... .she won't come back without this, since she said she doesnt want to repeat the same old pattern. Honestly although therapy sounds good, I don't want to do it with her because 90% of the issues are hers and the classic BPD crap, the jealously, insecurity, neediness, parasite type of personality, extreme sensitivity, always seeking validation, cannot handle conflict in a healthy way... .most of it is her issues. I would be fine if she didn't have those issues. So blaming her won't work in therapy so I see no point. So I refused therapy and I said lets stick with the break up. So now she is dating someone new and I saw them together last sat randomly walking by... .in a HUGE city... .that was a sign from God that I had to see. I can't forget she was holding his hand... .anyway... .my anxiety is up the roof. Stomach is always clenching and if I take her back she will be good for 2 weeks then bam another crash. So I'm thinking it's better to be in constant anxiety for a few months and get out clean than continue this cycle for a few years and lose out on meeting someone healthy... .just a thought. But man... .I am so weak with this woman, I've never been so weak. She emailed me telling me how much she loves and misses me... .and how hard this has been for her. I believe her, but she will be able to snap out of it quick because of her amazing survival skills.