Help me to craft my response

[half-life]

Background, we have separated three years with 2 young kids. We are still going through divorce.

She is asking me to start the kitchen door reface project in our martial home that was on the back burner for years. The kitchen door has fell off again (probably just need to tighten the screw, not a full scale remodel). I want to give her a firm no answer this time. We had some unspoken understanding that I will pay for project. Perhaps it is because I make all the money. I kicked the ball back to her last year by sending her the contractor's contact and ask her to setup the project, still assuming I'll pay. She did nothing. She probably did not remember this is on her plate either.

The money is not a big issue. It wasn't a big project. I was committed to support the family and I have assumed all financial burden. However, when we finalize our divorce she will have half of our asset. So money should not be a problem for her ultimately. She probably don't understand this because she is panicky and she is bad at number.

The real issue to me is since she is committed to her new guy a few months ago, our cooperative co-parenting practice has fallen apart. She is essentially using no contact practice on me. She also completely avoid me when we should be communicate about our children legitimately. She make our interaction unnecessary antagonistic. She did not acknowledge me when she sees me. When I dropped of my kid and asked her a question or two about the kid, she walked away without answering me. When she want to adjust the schedule, she text me when blunt statement like, "Come pickup <son> at 3pm (instead of 4) and drop him off tomorrow evening". In the past she would have say "can you do such and such" and I would say yes. Now she stripe down all pleasantry and simply send me an order. So I ignored her.

I want to tell her I cannot sponsor the kitchen project anymore. I feel hurt by her behavior, that she refuse to acknowledge my presence. If I sponsor her this will make me a doormat. I want to fully disengage from her other beyond necessary parenting arrangement.

All these years I have muted response to her whenever she blew up. I was too afraid of the fall out. I need to stand up to her with dignity. Do you have any recommendation on how I can phrase this?

[Turkish]

If you let it go,  no action,  no response,  what will happen?

If you take care of it,  can you do so without Internalizing anger and frustration and then be done with doing these things in the future?

What's the risk/reward in these actions? Others may come up with alternative scenarios,  but these are two choices I'd think of if I were in your shoes.

My cynical response would be,  "let your man handle it." My ex's brake lights are out.  I thought about telling her,  but she'd ask me to fix this.  Easy fix, and she has her husband,  but I'm thinking risk/reward vs. The Right Thing To Do.

[Lucky Jim]

I want to tell her I cannot sponsor the kitchen project anymore. I feel hurt by her behavior, that she refuse to acknowledge my presence. If I sponsor her this will make me a doormat. I want to fully disengage from her other beyond necessary parenting arrangement.

Hey half-life, You have your answer so it's just a question of how to phrase it.  No matter what you do, it's likely to be met with F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt), so be prepared for it.  I can appreciate your fear of her wrath and desire to avoid another explosion.  On the other hand, as you note, it's time for you to put your foot down.

Maybe do nothing, as Turkish suggests.  Time to let it go?

LuckyJim

[half-life]

Let it go is not really an option. We need on going interaction for the kids and for the property that we co-own. Also I need to work with her to finalize the divorce agreement. Communication is necessary.

[Lucky Jim]

OK, so limit your communications to issues involving the kids, the property and the divorce.  Your goal seems worthwhile: to avoid being a doormat for her turbulent emotions.  It's likely to be rough sledding for a while, so in my view it's important for you to work on stress management techniques.

LJ

[once removed]

I want to tell her I cannot sponsor the kitchen project anymore. I feel hurt by her behavior, that she refuse to acknowledge my presence. If I sponsor her this will make me a doormat. I want to fully disengage from her other beyond necessary parenting arrangement.

there is a flipside to "doormat". i dont know a good descriptor, but both are extremes.

it sounds like youre hurt that shes not acknowledging you and dropping sponsoring the kitchen project is a response to that. you mention that your feelings from during the marriage and not standing up to her are driving you here. i recommend tending to those feelings separately, not compensating for them now. its not a good strategy for improving a coparenting relationship. its not going to make her acknowledge you, but the opposite.

you had an agreement. sticking to your agreement doesnt make you a doormat. id stick to the agreement and from that point on id make no more such agreements.

[half-life]

We don't have an "agreement". We have some expectations and some non-committal talk.

I was the family handy man. One evening a year ago, she called me anxiously. By that time we were already separated for two years. She told me the bathroom door knob was stuck. If someone accidentally went in and closed the door, they could be locked inside. I said I was in an event, but I would swing by after it ended. I went there and removed the worn knob to make sure no one would be locked. I asked her to make me something to eat because I skipped dinner to go there. A few days later I bought a replacement knob in the same style. I went back and installed it. Thing works again and everyone is safe. I did all this because I feel responsible and I want my family to have a safe and comfortable home.

We had still some relationship then. These days she has turned vindictive and vicious toward me. She sent me a picture of the cabinet door falling off. My instinct is to go back to tighten the screws to fix the door. But this is wrong. I can't allow myself to do this anymore.

[once removed]

We don't have an "agreement". We have some expectations and some non-committal talk.

what are the terms? what have you communicated you will do?

i think youre very right that maintenance of the home isnt your responsibility and you dont want it to be. you want to step out of that arrangement. but i think you dont want to do that as a response to her behavior. thats tit for tat and can blow things up.

[half-life]

There is no terms. It is a kitchen upgrade project that was on the back burner for years. She has some assumption and expectation. I think this time I should decline it explicitly.

[half-life]

And while this might be interpreted as tit for tat, the way I think of this, I was making extra effort for the family because of good faith. There is no place for such good faith anymore.

[once removed]

There is no place for such good faith anymore.

we all agree here.

We had some unspoken understanding that I will pay for project.

We don't have an "agreement". We have some expectations and some non-committal talk.

There is no terms. She has some assumption and expectation.

im not trying to play gotcha here. these are three different representations of what arrangement, spoken or unspoken has been going on. getting a better picture here will help inform a response.

if this is all her assumption, and there is no understanding, then a simple "no", or ignoring it all together seems perfectly fine.

[half-life]

My message has gone out

In_the_past_I_have_done_a_lot_of_things_to_help_you. These_are_all_done_out_of_goodwill. These_days_you_are_acting_very_mean_toward_me. My_conscience_would_not_allow_me_to_return_malice_with_goodwill.

Sorry about the formatting. I rather these things don't show up in a google search.

This is her reply

That's_great! I_don't_care.

Translation: She frequently use the phrase "That's great" sarcastically. She say it when things go really badly. I kind of hate this of part of her because she co-opted a positive sentiment.

I feel good to let my displeasure out. I tend to be conflict avoidant. Now I am feeling more authentic.

[formflier]

 
Half life,

Hey... I'm a bit late to the party.  You've sent your message and gotten a reply.

There will be a next time... .trust me... it will come.

So, I would challenge you to reflect on how this went, how you felt, what you accomplished... .etc etc.

You have children, so there will be a relationship between you two.  It's likely not the relationship you want and since there is BPD involved, it's likely going to be turbulent.

You can only focus on what you contribute the the relationship and how that affects the relationship as a whole.

If you goal is to "calm the waters"... you might take one course of action.

If you goal is to "be heard"... .you might take another.

If you goal is to "be the best coparent I can be"... .perhaps another.

I say all this because as I read your post, I got the sense that your goal is to be authentic... .to let her know how you feel, etc etc.

Do I have that about right?

Do you want to reconcile the relationship... or move forward to divorce?

Anyway... .I'll hold off on further advice, until I better understand where you want to go... what your goal is.

FF

[half-life]

I'm not keen on "calm the waters". I have been doing that forever. It is a lost cause.

I like to be heard and to the best in our coparenting. But what she does is beyond my control. At this point, I don't see there is much I can salvage.

Divorce yes. We are actively working with a mediator. I want to severe this legal bondage ASAP.

I don't know what I have gain by confronting her. But I vow not to silently give in to her as I used to.

[formflier]

 
So... what does "not giving in" look like?

Is that helpful or hurtful for your co parenting relationship?

FF

[half-life]

She was not happy. But she was never happy, irrespective of what I do. Our co-parenting relationship is bad, mainly because she wants to cut off most communication. This probably doesn't help. But I don't see how it can hurt it any further either.

Not giving in has a very positive effect on me. I realized nothing catastrophic I feared has happened. In fact, it seems not much worse than if I tried to appease her. I am on the people please end of spectrum. I am learning I need to say no more often in my life.

[formflier]

 
So... if it doesn't matter what you do... .then I would suppose you should do things that benefit you and will lead to solid... healthy... .emotional growth for you.

Agree or disagree?

FF