It's not me, IT IS YOU

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Does that sound familiar?  I have already tried to convince others it is all me, tried to check me into a mental hospital because it is all me, and no one is buying it---except my Husband keeps saying it. 

He 'changed' about 11 months ago.  I am struggling so hard to help him, help me and not miscarry our 1st and only (unborn) baby.  I am offering him help, telling him I will not be abused any longer and this is how he replies.  "It is all you, I am not crazy, you should hear what my parents and nieces say about you, no one says bad things about me but you, you are the only one, always." 

My replies are: ':)o you treat them as you treat me?  Do you abuse them as you abuse me?  What opinion could they have if Ive only briefly met your nieces 2wice and only hung out chatting with your parents numerous times, and they were good times.  What negative opinions could they have formed?'  Without more information from him, ofcourse.  And now suddenly these people I regarded as family are saying negatives behind my back?  And when I ask, what are they saying, he replies go ask them yourself.  This only comes up when I offer him help in any form of any sort, I do it very gently too. 

I wrote details about our relationship in previous posts but basically dealing with undiagnosed BPD and I am the focus of all the evil he can conjure up.  He does not see his abuse as abuse (this is becoming more of a safety issue for me than anything!) and what is shocking is the man I've known for 6 years would NEVER ever EVER allow this BPD new Husband thing say those things or treat me this way.  So, I have no clue who my Husband is.  For 5 years, I knew exactly who he was.  11 months ago, I guess he was body snatched and I got some alien... .

Is it normal to lie, make up stories and point fingers when with BPD?  Is it normal to abuse your love then say they are the ones?  Or is this more of a character flaw?  Maybe I am desperate to help, so I found BPD which says him to a T, but maybe this is him, maybe this is his character, and it took 5 years for this true himself to come about?  He makes me question my sanity, which puts everything on the table for dissection.  Which means, everything he ever said or did.  Only he can hurt me and make me question my sanity-and he has abused that privledge too many times... .complete opposite of the man I married. 

Time to breathe, maybe pick up a book on BPD, I have 2 full books now... .or maybe I should actually focus everything on me and baby.  Be done with him and his family.  I did say I will not tolerate abuse (which he is now), lifesuckers (which some his family mbrs are), and really the biggest point: I will not tolerate abuse in my life, ever again.  I lived that, raised that way, I refuse. 

[AngelBuds]

Does that sound familiar?  I have already tried to convince others it is all me, tried to check me into a mental hospital because it is all me, and no one is buying it---except my Husband keeps saying it. 

He 'changed' about 11 months ago.  I am struggling so hard to help him, help me and not miscarry our 1st and only (unborn) baby.  I am offering him help, telling him I will not be abused any longer and this is how he replies.  "It is all you, I am not crazy, you should hear what my parents and nieces say about you, no one says bad things about me but you, you are the only one, always." 

My replies are: ':)o you treat them as you treat me?  Do you abuse them as you abuse me?  What opinion could they have if Ive only briefly met your nieces 2wice and only hung out chatting with your parents numerous times, and they were good times.  What negative opinions could they have formed?'  Without more information from him, ofcourse.  And now suddenly these people I regarded as family are saying negatives behind my back?  And when I ask, what are they saying, he replies go ask them yourself.  This only comes up when I offer him help in any form of any sort, I do it very gently too. 

I wrote details about our relationship in previous posts but basically dealing with undiagnosed BPD and I am the focus of all the evil he can conjure up.  He does not see his abuse as abuse (this is becoming more of a safety issue for me than anything!) and what is shocking is the man I've known for 6 years would NEVER ever EVER allow this BPD new Husband thing say those things or treat me this way.  So, I have no clue who my Husband is.  For 5 years, I knew exactly who he was.  11 months ago, I guess he was body snatched and I got some alien... .

Is it normal to lie, make up stories and point fingers when with BPD?  Is it normal to abuse your love then say they are the ones?  Or is this more of a character flaw?  Maybe I am desperate to help, so I found BPD which says him to a T, but maybe this is him, maybe this is his character, and it took 5 years for this true himself to come about?  He makes me question my sanity, which puts everything on the table for dissection.  Which means, everything he ever said or did.  Only he can hurt me and make me question my sanity-and he has abused that privledge too many times... .complete opposite of the man I married. 

Time to breathe, maybe pick up a book on BPD, I have 2 full books now... .or maybe I should actually focus everything on me and baby.  Be done with him and his family.  I did say I will not tolerate abuse (which he is now), lifesuckers (which some his family mbrs are), and really the biggest point: I will not tolerate abuse in my life, ever again.  I lived that, raised that way, I refuse. 

[snowwhite]

Yes, people with BPD do try to blame you for everything. Yes, they manipulate their family members and others to see you as the evil one. It is not you. It is him. Call his family members directly if you want and ask them what is going on and did he ever behave this way in the past. You might find they are ready to support you and willing to get him into help.
Now, take care of yourself and your child. And get the help and support you need now.
And yes, it is possible that your being pregnant has triggered all this behavior in him because the focus of attention has shifted from him to you.

[babyducks]

Hi AngelBuds,

Does that sound familiar?  

Yes,  it sounds familiar.  BPD is a serious mental illness.   It exists on a spectrum, meaning some people can have some of the traits and some people can have the illness and be 'high functioning' and some people can have many of the traits severely.    Either way it's a serious mental illness.   Projection is part of BPD.   pwBPD find the things/events/emotions they are experiencing so painful they project them onto the people closest.   they try to offload the shame and pain they are feeling by off loading it onto some one else.

He 'changed' about 11 months ago.  I am struggling so hard to help him, help me and not miscarry our 1st and only (unborn) baby.  I am offering him help, telling him I will not be abused any longer and this is how he replies.  "It is all you, I am not crazy, you should hear what my parents and nieces say about you, no one says bad things about me but you, you are the only one, always."  

I'm sorry.   that must have been hard to hear.   it would have felt confusing to me.   and upsetting.

My replies are: ':)o you treat them as you treat me?  :)o you abuse them as you abuse me?  What opinion could they have if Ive only briefly met your nieces 2wice and only hung out chatting with your parents numerous times, and they were good times.  What negative opinions could they have formed?'  

have you had the time to look at the box that runs down the right hand side of the screen?    go ahead and click on number 1 over there.    

pwBPD process life differently than you and I do.  they see things differently than you and I.    there are some tools and skills than can help us to communicate during times of emotional dysregulation.    they help diffuse the conflict.   they help to lower the emotional temperature in the room.    they don't mean you agree with your pwBPD.   they don't mean you accept abuse.   they are ways to communicate.

 He does not see his abuse as abuse (this is becoming more of a safety issue for me than anything!) and what is shocking is the man I've known for 6 years would NEVER ever EVER allow this BPD new Husband thing say those things or treat me this way.

Do you feel comfortable telling us more about the safety issue, the safety part of things?   We would like to hear if you feel up to sharing.

The circular arguments can get quite charged, very heated in only minutes.   In the workshop part of this site are ideas about how you may be able to handle a circular argument.   and how to safely exit the room/house if the argument gets to hot.    

in my relationship, I had an argument that got so out of control I ended up breaking my own hand.   I required surgery to repair it.    I stayed in that argument way too long.   I didn't know how to communicate with a person who was mentally ill and I didn't know how to exit safely.    

one of the things I learned after was to build in little mini breaks into an emotionally charged conversation.    "I'm going to the bathroom now"  and go to the bathroom and take 5 minutes to regroup... .   "I need a cup of tea and a break from discussing this" and go make a cup of tea and sit on the porch.

hanging in a conversation with a pwBPD, going toe to toe, thinking we are going to be heard almost never works.    you can not explain things logically,  you can't defend your position at the moment.   in only amps up the conflict.   Have you read about JADE in your readings?

Is it normal to lie, make up stories and point fingers when with BPD?  Is it normal to abuse your love then say they are the ones?  Or is this more of a character flaw?

people with mental illnesses can live in a very distorted reality.   they truly believe the things they are feeling are 'facts'.   with the harmfully intense extreme emotions of BPD they see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.

  Maybe I am desperate to help, so I found BPD which says him to a T, but maybe this is him, maybe this is his character, and it took 5 years for this true himself to come about?  

people with BPD struggle during times of stress.   having a baby (congratulations) can be emotionally stressful.   it is certainly going to change the dynamic between you two.

I think it's good that you are learning about BPD in specific and relationships in general.   that will be a big help in the long run.

how are you doing today?

'ducks

[AngelBuds]

Very cute name babyducks <3  Thank you for your reply.  It really seriously relieves my soul to read replies from others... .even if it is something I have read on another website, or a lesson I learned before, sometimes, another (reading another) voice is really soothing to me. 

I am getting through the links on this site.  I dont feel I am ready for some of them because I have said "Why do I have to try this now if I am being abused!" which tells me I am feeling defensive at this point plus resentment.  I am the only one doing everything to address this, so but, those articles I need to read once I take another step forward myself.  I am reading them tho, and we all heal at different rates and experience different things so I am not stressed.    anymore that is.

I was stressed about this all beyond my mind from Nov 2016-about now.  I have stated I want Divorce, I have looked for places to move, I basically am done, terrified, but still trying despite all of this.  Is that normal?  I go from "Thats it, Divorce."  I dont believe in Divorce.  Then I go to to trying to help him, help me, save us, and grow healthy together.  Why can't I just be done, what is holding on for dear life... .memories of how he used to be

So, I feel calmer today.  I am attending NAMI meeting once a week plus started personal therapy yesterday (to be weekly).  I would go to more meetings if I had gas money (I am incomeless now and rural) so but I think 2 meetings a week re: mental health is more than most attempt.  Plus, I am always researching. 

I went from no resources to I have a page of resources now   very excited today.  I also contacted IHOT for assistance so they will let me know in a week if I am approved for assistance with him. 

Pregnancy, incomeless, injury on the job, GMa dying, his Father falling very ill and breaking hip recently, and any other dramas this year happened AFTER the new Husband came on the scene (him and BPD tendancies).  And he does not do drugs or alcohol.  This started after I was able to walk again, 11 months ago.  I said I was going to travel to city for job and continue college.  Cracks began and it's just snowballed to this point, to the point as soon as I see a twinge or voice change or anything at all----I say I am not doing this today and walk away.

Whats very sad and disturbing is this year has been highly emotional and traumatizing for me (because of this) and during this personal crisis for me, he needed me.  He always needs me, sigh.  I was unable to prey the knife out of my back to comfort him about his Gma passing or his Father falling ill.  Yes, I gave my condolenses, and gave him emotional support, but I refused to ride with him or be heavily involved.  Doesnt help his Mother is poison so between I can't trust him or his Mother to NOT stab me, I have stayed back.  Licking my wounds. 

My therapist told me to be more gentle so I will try to say "When you are ready to talk, we can."  What's going to be interesting is when I say talk to me later about (whatever he is raging about) later when it is appropriate, he never ever brings anything up, ever.  What I mean is, I will ask him "Could you clean windows while I scrub counters?" and from there, some kind of rage of what I do wrong, or didnt do last, or whatever flies into his head, he will rage at me so I will say 'lets discuss at any other time and discuss what I have brought up', something like that.  He never brings nothing up. 

I like taking breaks.  Actually, I refuse car rides and being in room with 1 exit with him anymore.  For 2 weeks now.  Because when he rages and I am in there, I am trapped, and he unleashes.  I like to take a walk, or I will ask him to leave.  Usually, it is easier to remove myself and I have no qualms with doing so. 

I am staying positive, and still working through A TON of TONS of tons... .ok, I'm babbling, a ton    Thank you so much for your support!   

[babyducks]

Hi Angel Buds

Very cute name babyducks <3 

Thanks.   It was from a book I was reading when I joined up here.

I am getting through the links on this site.  I dont feel I am ready for some of them because I have said "Why do I have to try this now if I am being abused!" which tells me I am feeling defensive at this point plus resentment. 

that's pretty much what we all felt when we got here,... .  why should I do all this work, put in all this effort if I am not the one with the problem.    well.    you've probably already figured out that you will have him in your life in some fashion for a long time as the father of your baby.   so it makes sense to try and find the best way to communicate as you possibly can.     It will make things better for your child.

I was stressed about this all beyond my mind from Nov 2016-about now.  I have stated I want Divorce, I have looked for places to move, I basically am done, terrified, but still trying despite all of this.  Is that normal?  I go from "Thats it, Divorce."  I dont believe in Divorce.  Then I go to to trying to help him, help me, save us, and grow healthy together.  Why can't I just be done, what is holding on for dear life... .memories of how he used to be

what you seem to be describing, what I am reading in your posts, is a very high level of emotional reactivity between the two of you.    both of you are on the roof with intense emotions.    now, clearly there a lots of good reasons for that.   there are a lot of things going for you and for him.  things that would stress anyone.      when things get this churned up, it is sometimes difficult to dial down the level of intensity.    and pwBPD take a longer time than average to return to what is called 'emotional baseline'.

So, I feel calmer today.  I am attending NAMI meeting once a week plus started personal therapy yesterday (to be weekly). 

that's great.   it's great to hear that you have a therapist.   that's a good investment in your self. 

This started after I was able to walk again, 11 months ago.  I said I was going to travel to city for job and continue college.  Cracks began and it's just snowballed to this point, to the point as soon as I see a twinge or voice change or anything at all----I say I am not doing this today and walk away.
 

I am wondering if this looked like abandonment to him.   I'm not saying you were abandoning him just that maybe you walking and traveling and continuing college (all great things) felt like a perceived abandonment to him     what do you think?

once I was at work and texting back and forth with my partner.   something came up right in the middle of an emotional texting session and I dropped the text to focus on work.    she got very upset by that.   because I left her to do something else, to pay attention to something else.   she emotionally dsyregulated and cried for hours because I 'left' her and didn't re-assure her when she needed it.

it felt horrible to her.    I didn't do anything ~wrong~, I just went off and took care of the work things I needed too.   and yet to her it was a big signal that I no longer cared about the relationship.

My therapist told me to be more gentle so I will try to say "When you are ready to talk, we can." 
 

I think I like your therapist.   There is a tool we use here called SET.   It means Support, Empathy, Truth.   It was the first tool I learned when I got here.   

Support = support what you want to see more of, support the positive efforts, for me it would sound like "honey I really appreciate it when you use a quieter, gentler voice when talking to me, I really need that right now."

Empathy, = find a way  to connect to his feelings, "I know you have a lot on your mind right now and it's really easy to get frustrated, I feel that way too"

Truth = state your truth... ."I don't want to fight with you tonight, anymore... so I am just going to take a break when voices start to go up."

how does that look to you?   

what I am thinking is, as emotionally churned up as things are for you right now it may take several attempts for a message like the one above to be received.

do you think that might help?

'ducks

[SamwizeGamgee]

I hear you! 

I am tired of getting blamed and explained as the one who is having trouble - well actually I am the one having trouble - but that's because I'm trying to be healthy in sick relationship. 
I have been waiting to just lay it out and actually tell my wife "It's not me, it's YOU!" but, that would go nowhere good.  So I just think it for now.

I would like to add that I think it's okay if you just go with your feelings.  You shouldn't need to ask and verify if some behavior is a BPD trait or not.  I know several people want to figure out what is wrong with their partner, but, at the end, it just doesn't matter.  Furthermore, there are so many variations of BPD and when and how it acts up, that it gets to be an endless list of possible combinations.  Add to which most BPD sufferers can turn it on and off instinctively - though maybe not consciously. 

Here we are surrounded by bits of insanity.  Sometimes it's okay to tune it out, stop trying to make sense of nonsense.  You should be working on you getting healthy and safe.

Best wishes on the journey!

[formflier]

there is a big picture concept of "trusting him" that I would like you to think about.


For instance, when you ask him to bring (something) up later and he never does, I would really hope you can trust that he doesn't want to bring it up.

Said another way, don't go looking for trouble by "pestering" him to see if he is ready to talk about xyz, especially if xyz is something he dysregulated about.

You are getting good advice, having a T you can turn to is a blessing.  I

   

FF