Physical Violence - was there a threat first

[snowwhite]

I am just wondering if for those whose relationship escalated to the BPD becoming physically violent to you or another family member, did the BPD threaten you with violence first?

[Lalathegreat]

Not in so many words... .there were a handful of times in the heat of the moment when he'd say "I just want to kill you!" Or something similar, but I always took it as venting frustration. He did posture physically in ways that I feel were MORE of a warning than any verbal statement - aggressively approaching me, blocking exits, breaking property, spitting, punching walls.

Honestly, if your person has done ANYTHING to make you feel insecure about your physical safety, please take it very seriously. I paid a high price for not being as careful as I should have been.

[Tommy_Vercetti]

I am just wondering if for those whose relationship escalated to the BPD becoming physically violent to you or another family member, did the BPD threaten you with violence first?

No, it will most likely happen in a blink of an eye and not always with verbal abuse beforehand. Beware of thrown objects.

If you feel under threat then leave and don't go back ever! It's not worth it, you will doubt you own self worth if you stick around and put up with it, take it seriously your  safety is at risk. A violent episode most likely will be followed up and a pattern will emerge, get out before it begins. 

[Cat Familiar]

The first incident of violence from my ex-husband happened shortly after we had gotten together. He was angry with me about something seemingly trivial and he picked up a wood sculpture he had made and treasured and smashed it on the wood stove, over and over until it splintered into pieces.

I was incredibly shocked. I had never imagined anyone doing something like that. Over time, his anger escalated into verbal abuse, then physical violence. At times, I was afraid for my life.

Then afterwards, he would go through the apology cycle, promising never to do such a thing again. Then not long after the verbal abuse would begin and rinse, repeat--over and over until I finally got out.

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H has not made threats to me physically, but breaks and damages objects.

He has punched holes in the wall because I "made him" do it.  On one occasion, he crushed some of my property with his foot that was placed on the floor, then claimed he "tripped" over it.  Anyone could see he stomped on them.

Then there was a candy bar on the kitchen counter I had left for him.  He did not eat it nor take it with him but it was clear he had used a kitchen implement to crush the candy bar in its wrapper.

Very juvenile acting out.

[Insom]

My BPD-ex never hit me but did use physical restraint to control me.  And yes, he told me ahead of time that he would do this but I didn't understand that he was serious so was shocked when he did.

[WitzEndWife]

My uBPDh hasn't really been physically violent with me, and, although I don't think he'd hit me (and he's told me over and over again, he'd never do it), I have been told that it could happen. He's chased me around the house yelling, he's kicked and thrown things, and he has thrown things at me (once a full glass of water, and once a mushed banana). I do think that, once BPDs decide you're the "enemy," they don't see you as you anymore. They see you as a threat. So, it's very possible that because they don't see you as you really are, they can actually commit violence against you. Of course, once they come back into reality, it will be to them like waking up from a dream, and they will either blame it on you, or they will turn themselves inside out to manipulate you into staying. I'd say, if you ever feel physically intimidated, you need to consider an escape plan.

[DaddyBear77]

Hello snowwhite - thank you for this question.

First of all, are you currently in a relationship where this might be a concern? If so, it's important to trust your instincts.

There are many, many instances of domestic violence that comes on suddenly and without warning. Again, listen to any "gut feelings" or "hairs on the back of your neck" so to speak.

We have a couple of great workshops on this subject:
Domestic violence  [women]
Domestic violence  [men]

Of particular interest to the question of "are there signs," take a look at response #20, titled "Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality

Are you or someone you know experiencing any of these red flags?

[snowwhite]

Thank you DaddyBear77. I am not currently in a relationship with anyone. This was a general interest question. My ex-husband had BPD but he has been dead 12 years now. I was interested in whether his one threat of physical violence, verbal only, matched the experience of others. I stopped him cold by telling him if he ever hit me I would kill him after he went to bed. Would I have done it? No. But he believed me and that threat was never made again. I also believe my threat may have acted to protect the wives and children who came after me.
I guess I was trying to see if setting unmistakable boundaries with a huge downside to the BPD might actually help them control their behavior. In other words, would the knowledge that they will pay with their lives or their jobs or something else THEY value, act as a deterrent? Are they capable even in moments of high stress of controlling their behavior if the cost associated with failing to control it are too high?

[flourdust]

My uBPDh hasn't really been physically violent with me ... .he has thrown things at me

WIW -- this is being physically violent with you.

One way that we downplay the threat of violence is to create a very narrow definition of it that ignores that violence that is already happening.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

My first boyfriend held me by my neck against a wall seemingly out of the blue. He punched walls and trees in front of me and said that I "made him do it". He "joked" that he would be able to kill me and bury my body where no one would find me. If I wasn't home when he called me then I must be out cheating on him, according to him.  I later found out he had been cheating on me. He verbally put me down many times - my thoughts and opinions were stupid, and so on. I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and to just do what he wanted out of fear.

I had another boyfriend who threatened to kill my friends and family if I left him. When he physically cornered me in anger, I called a friend and left him that day. I left 90% of my things behind and never went back for them. I was terrified he was going to hit me. He had this crazy look. I don't know how else to explain it but just as crazy. Like he wasn't all there. Before all that happened, I had to carry a pager on me at all times. If he paged me, I was to call him within 10-15 minutes. If I didn't there would be hell to pay. Things like that happened a lot. I don't think he was BPD, though. I think he was more overt NPD.

As for my uexBPD\NPDh... .when our twenty year marriage deteriorated to the point I filed for divorce, his abusive behavior escalated. He physically towered over me in anger/rage daring me to hit him. I would calmly walk away. He called me nasty names in front of the kids. He broke my door in a rage and I called the police terrified.

Before I filed for divorce, he did things like tracking my whereabouts via an app on my phone. If I wasn't where he thought I should be, there was hell to pay. Heaven forbid if I stopped for coffee on the way to work without telling him. He texted me often questioning when I'd be home. He interrogated me if I used the ATM after lunch. I had to ask him for money any time I wanted to do anything like have lunch with my friends or co-workers. I never knew if we had money in the account or if he had spent it on something. I wasn't "allowed" to have my own money or bank account. He read my personal emails and went through my work phone whenever he felt like it... until I changed the pass code. Oh boy he raged about that one for a while. He made decisions concerning me without consulting me. For example, not only did he activate my credit card without telling me, he kept the card claiming that I didn't need it. I told the credit card company that my card had been stolen and closed the account.

He told me he didn't want me to hang around my friend because she was getting divorced and he thought she'd give me bad ideas. He invited himself along to any and all work-related and non-work events I was a part of. When I started a blog, he started a blog. My friends became his friends (well, he tried - most of them didn't like him).  He tried to get hired at my company many times and would be enraged when they wouldn't even interview him. He didn't have the skills they were looking for but he wouldn't accept that as an answer. It turned into an HR issue when he told HR that our management unjustly refused to hire him. That's not even all of it.