18 yo BPD daughter has left home suddenly

[1hope]

We came home from work today to find that our 18yo BPD daughter has left home. There was no warning.  Things were going well for her at a new school program.  She was speaking about the pride she felt in this college program.

The only thing we can think of is a minor incident on Sunday where she left a mess in our bathroom and was asked to clean it up.  This caused tears, but the next day she seemed fine.  Talking, laughing etc.

She has taken her clothes, suitcase, and has removed the money from the account she was putting away for school. 

She left no note and was not responding to texts.   She later texted that she was ok and would return to get her meds tomorrow.   

We have no idea where she is.  To our knowledge she has no close friends currently where she might be staying.  We're wondering how to navigate this.  We told her we'd like to talk when she's ready.  We're not letting on about how upset we are, but we feel as though we're being manipulated right now.

Has anyone else been here before? Any advice would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi 1hope

After things going well what a frustrating and scary shock to come home to!  Sorry to hear it, you must be disappointed and weary of all the ups and downs.

I haven't had something quite like that, one thing I would say is my dd has explained to me that when she's avoidant, its because she's overwhelmed.  Some of the reading I've done also points to shame as a big factor.  Do you think there is something maybe that happened that she's not telling you about?

I think its ok to communicate to her that you are bewildered and concerned, but then maybe go back to calm/patient communication.   It sounds like you're responding in a thoughtful and deliberate way, she's lucky to have you providing consistent support through all this. 

Perhaps others have been through this particular bump and can share.  Hoping for the best!
 

[Feeling Better]

Hi 1 hope

What a very frightening place to be in right now, I understand how you are feeling.

We had one episode with our son a few years ago. He wasn't living with us at the time. I said something which he took the wrong way and he ended up walking out of the house. I tried desperately to contact him over the next few days but he ignored all my texts and phone calls, and I have to say that those days were some of the worst of my life. He did eventually come over to my house to see me but things have never been the same since.  Having said that, my son was older than your daughter and quite independent.

It seems to me that you are handling this in a good way by letting her know that you would like to talk when she is ready.  I am sure that she must be hurting too to take such drastic action. I think all that you can do when she returns is listen to her if she is prepared to open up and try not to judge her for her actions and just be there for her in a loving way x

[1hope]

Indacove,
We're not sure what might have sparked this sudden exit.  We know that she feels like we control her (because we enforce boundaries).  The latest issue was one where she had agreed to save half of each pay check for school, but then she spent it all impulsively.  We discussed the importance of saving for her future.  She wanted another chance.  It had been suggested to us that we contract with her about this, so we did.  She signed the contract, and said she knew she could do it.  This was 9 days ago.   She has cleaned out that bank account now.   

Many of her former friends have also gone off to school, and are experiencing the freedom that comes with living away from home.   Maybe she wants that as well? 

We're still spinning over this... .just trying to figure it out.   Thanks for being our sounding board! 

[incadove]

Oh - hmm, yeah that does sound quite possible, that she decided to take the money out, knew that was breaking the contract, so she cut off contact instead of taking the heat. 

I don't know your daughter and I know you said in the past she was suicidal, but if you feel like its a comfortable thing to do within your relationship maybe you could express to her something about how this affects you but make it clear that its not a make-or-break thing.  Like, that you are disappointed that she just broke the contract without talking to you, and that she left without talking to you!  But that you also are worried for her and would like to see her, regardless. 

You're probably right that she's wanting more freedom and ability to manage her own life, like her friends have, and this is maybe just her way of grabbing for that.  But she is going to have to learn not to treat people like that for her future, so at some point letting her know how it affects you is to her own benefit! 

Hope things work out!  Thanks Feeling Better for sharing that painful episode!  I hope things improve for you too.

 

[wendydarling]

Hi 1Hope

Oh my, how distressing you've been through so much. I'm so very sorry. incadove gives good advice, it's a delicate situation, to get back on track. I wonder if she's made a new friend at the school program.

Thinking of you 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi 1hope

I'm sorry that this has happened and you must be very worried. That's tough.

I'm just throwing this in here. There's no way my DS would ever cope with a contract regarding a financial arrangement between us. He struggled to manage his money and Ive spent the last nearly two years emotionally supporting him as he learns. He learns by making mistakes and he has to feel safe to do so without judgment. He saved up to buy a car because I told him I wasn't driving him around any more. He spent the money. I said "ok, let's try again. You may not be able to get the car you really wanted but it'll work out. Let's say another three weeks for you to get some money together because, as I've told you, I don't want to drive you around any more".  I've had to be flexible as he learns.

My DS is a late developer and it's needed incredible patience to watch him earn his money, then control it. He hadn't the ability to look to the future. He could only see now.

We all learn by mistakes. It's been the biggest thing I've learnt on my journey.

I hope you hear from your daughter soon and that's she's found safe and well. It sounds like she's wants to take responsibility of her own and that's a good thing. She's going through a tough time too if her friends have left for college.

Hugs to you

LP

[1hope]

Thanks to all of you for your support. We have reached out to her since she left... .we left her a note when she was coming to pick up her meds.  We told her we wanted to know she was safe, but that we wouldn't try to make her come home.  We told her that we realize it was her choice to move out, but asked her to be mindful of her family, and how we feel right now.  We got no response.  We are feeling like this is a move to manipulate us, and are hurt.  We are choosing not to reveal the depth of the hurt, as medical professionals have told us that she will manipulate us more.  Our son (younger) tried to text her last night.  She responded to him and said "the people here are really nice", but when asked where she was, she responded that she couldn't tell him yet.  This bothers him, as they are quite close.  He told us he just wants to know where she is so he knows she's ok. 

I'm wondering about the comments about the contract... .we were under the impression that BPD people need clearly laid-out boundaries.  We learned this in therapy and appointments with various mental health workers.  Since our daughter manipulates conversations, and says we did/didn't say things, we laid it out in writing.  What do others do instead?  We're looking at all options!  Any ideas would be appreciated.  We have repeatedly gone through this same situation (before putting it in writing), and have tried to teach her different ways to manage her money, save, or even be conscious of her uncontrolled spending.  She talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk.   This is why we opted to have it in writing. 

We are overwhelmed.  We have read about BPD, gone to counselling with and without her, joined this group, gone to doctor's appointments... .and here we are. 

[DisneyMom]

One thing we did recently that I wish we had done much, much earlier, is put the Life 360 gps locater app on all of our family phones. My troubled older teen did not like it, but we put it on both kids phones plus mine and dh's as a family safety issue, and we are all being transparent about our whereabouts. It helped that we weren't just doing this to her. My oldest is 18, and she's doing pretty well right now, but that wasn't always the case. 7 months ago she was using drugs and it was a nightmare trying to locate her and know she was safe. Once after treatment when she got her phone back, she deactivated the app, and we took her phone away for a week. She's never tried that again. I know this won't help you right now, but at the point your daughter returns (and I bet she will soon when she needs something), as long you are funding her phone, you can track location. At 18, they have the legal right to be where they want, of course. She knows and I know. There's no more calling the police to report her as a runaway. It's just knowing for peace of mind and, for safety in case of emergency.

[Lollypop]

Hi 1hope

My DS did not seek treatment after he got diagnosed at 24. We've been forced to seek help in other ways and not rely on a professional. All we've had is this site and and my reading. When he returned home he was depressed and we nevaigated one day at a time. I asked questions on this forum and took the mixed answers and chose what felt right for us. We are all different and our families unique. I started from the very basics. I had to because everything I'd ever done before had just made everything worse. I had to re-learn and improve upon my communication skills and importantly validation skills.

One of my mantras give to me at the time was "everything he should be doing himself, he should do himself". To behave like an adult, he needdd to be treated like one. So I didn't open mail, ask questions, pry into his finances. We provided him with bed and board only - no cash. At this time he was non functioning. Now is a completely different story.

I was advised to get a contract. I was also advised to never entangle a financial arrangement with my relationship (e.g. You do jobs around the house and I'll pay you) as it was said that this confuses the emotions. I'd previously tried this and had experience of this so trusted this advice.

We can only go with our own situation. What is true though is that if something isn't working then we have to change our approach. This seems contradictory to the rules of setting boundaries and limits. I've had to remain flexible as my DS has grown. As he's got older he has matured, a late developer.

I'm sorry this is all about me. I've got to rush out for the whole day. I wanted to explain my situation a bit more.

I'm thinking about you. I'm glad you're here and seeking answers.

LP

[1hope]

Disney mom- We had a similar app on our phones.  She recently got her own phone (not financed by us).  She initially put the app on, but disconnected it on the day she left.  This leads us to think she had it all planned.

 I just wish we knew where she was, but we also don't want to keep texting and asking her because it feeds the drama.  She knows (through our note to her) that we won't try to make her move back, but we would like her to respect how we're feeling and let us know where she is.  She didn't respond.  Her brother has texted her and asked where she is, but she won't tell him either. She clearly wants control of the situation.  So the question is... .what do we do now?  How long do we wait to initiate contact?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi 1Hope

Thanks to all of you for your support. We have reached out to her since she left... .we left her a note when she was coming to pick up her meds.  We told her we wanted to know she was safe, but that we wouldn't try to make her come home.  We told her that we realize it was her choice to move out, but asked her to be mindful of her family, and how we feel right now.

Your approach is how I'd have responded, I agree with you lets bring it back to baseline, it's now her choice to reach out. Your son is wrapped up by her behaviour, is he ok?

I'm wondering about the comments about the contract... .we were under the impression that BPD people need clearly laid-out boundaries.  We learned this in therapy and appointments with various mental health workers.  Since our daughter manipulates conversations, and says we did/didn't say things, we laid it out in writing.  What do others do instead?  We're looking at all options!  Any ideas would be appreciated.  We have repeatedly gone through this same situation (before putting it in writing), and have tried to teach her different ways to manage her money, save, or even be conscious of her uncontrolled spending.  She talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk.   This is why we opted to have it in writing.  

I've never contracted my DD, many here have spoken about, this is where our situations are unique.

1Hope I'd also be interested to hear examples of where contracting works and when it has not, opening up to others here for their insight and support  

What's happening?

WDx

[1hope]

Wendydarling,
We decided to try the contract after many other strategies were not successful.   We offered many options to saving money... .putting 1/2 of paycheque into a special saving account that was joint with us (she took it out), moving it to a separate account (like a savings plan that she couldn't access)... .not good!  Strategies like only using cash to pay for purchases instead of debit card (she said she'd try it but didn't follow through)... .she asked her crisis worker for help (we think... .not sure if she followed through on that plan).  Ultimately we decided to go for the contract, as she seemed to like it in other areas like safety plans, and likes writing her goals down so she can see them.  We hoped that having the contract would make it more official, and it would be harder for her to "warp" the agreement like she had been doing.  (I didn't think I wasn't allowed to use it for... ., I didn't work as much this pay period, so I thought it was ok... .You didn't take the money out of the account so I thought I could use it... .)

As an update... .we contacted her this weekend by text to let her know that she could pick up her meds at the pharmacy (I renewed a prescription for her... .probably shouldn't have, I know).  We let her know that not knowing where she is causes upset to all of us (she'll probably say I'm giving her a guilt trip), but she needed to know how her family (grandparents, brother, parents) are feeling.  This is very hard for all of us.  We asked her to reconsider her decision to keep this from us.  We told her we would respect her decision to go out on her own, and said she is always welcome at home.  We sent this text Saturday morning.  We still haven't heard from her.  We're varying between so many emotions... .sadness, disbelief, anger... .just trying to deal with it together.  We also plan to go to our counsellor to discuss strategies for ourselves.   

[MomMae]

Dear 1hope,

I have been following this thread with interest as it could have been written by me 18 months ago or so.  I am so sorry for all that you have been through and are continuing to suffer.  I just wanted to reach out and say I understand, I have been there and, boy oh boy, does it hurt.  From trying to sabotage her college education (which she was loving) and blowing through all the money she had saved, to the appealing to her to think of how her disappearance was affecting her siblings and grandparents, I felt the similarities between your situation and what we have been through with our DD20. 

Personally, I think that you are doing everything right.  I think that you seem to have very good instincts and you should continue to follow them.  I think renewing her prescription at the pharmacy was a good idea as it shows her you care and you know that she has access to her meds, if she chooses.  Yes, she may claim this is you trying to "control" her, but we know you are not.  You are trying to help her and you are following your instincts that are telling you the best way to keep her safe. Don't ever apologize for your instincts, they are there for a reason.  You are a loving mom and as such, they are coming from a good place and will almost always serve you well.

That said, I know that learning from the lessons on the right hand side of the page here helped me greatly in dealing with and interacting with my daughter.  I still follow my instincts, but I tame them with the lessons I have learned here. 

And they have served me well.  When I joined this board, I was in a really dark place with my daughter.  We were in very low contact and she was controlling the relationship by ignoring me at will.  I was very hurt and frustrated by this.  I am happy to say that presently things are going very well with dd.  Not perfect and by no means what I would have hoped for her, but we are in a good place. 

I have learned that when I expect too much from her, she retracts from me.  I have left the money handling up to her.  This has not been easy - we watched her blow through over twenty thousand dollars that she had saved for school.  But having access to her accounts was driving me insane as I watched the balance disappear and begged her to stop spending.  She resented me.  She made all the same excuses you said your daughter did.  The money is gone, and I no longer care.  Letting go of what should be is sometimes necessary.

Now I am just happy that she is living in a safe place (not with us but no longer in a garage in the middle of nowhere).  She is not using her nursing education, and maybe never will, but she is alive and not using drugs.  She is hoping to find a job.  I am no longer pushing for a nursing job, or even a full time job... .we will be ecstatic with any job.  I have finally embraced baby steps.  And it is working.  We have survived terrible crisis'  this past summer and are still in a good place.  Two unplanned (or stupidly planned) pregnancies in three months - yes two - but we have worked together and are in a better place.  I don't even feel like me writing this, but I have learned skills here and through friends I have met here that have helped me be a better mother to my mentally ill daughter.  I believe that I have always been a good mother, but the skills here taught me to be a better mother to a child with needs I didn't fully understand. 

My advice is to definitely keep trusting your instincts because they are your best tool.  Just use the tools here to hone your instincts to come out in a way that pulls your daughter in.  I believe that she wants to come back to you, but like my daughter, some kind of mixed up pride and need for autonomy has made her stay away - for now.  You are a great mom and loving family.  She know this.

Hugs and empathy, MomMae   
 



 

[1hope]

Mommae,
You have no idea how much your reply meant to me tonight!  I have been doubting everything we have done, and it was so nice to hear from someone who relates so well to our situation.  We are continuing to learn so much from this site, and especially from wonderful people like you!
Thank you for giving us hope... .❤️

[1hope]

Update: our daughter called me last night!  It was awkward at first, but turned out ok once we showed that we were listening and weren't showing anger.  She seems proud that she is being independent, making her own meals, shopping etc.   We let her do the talking... .we listened.   She actually thanked me for calling to order her meds from the pharmacy! 

She has invited us to her place once she settles in a bit (she's living in an off campus residence with some students).  I'm trying not to think about the amount she's likely paying for rent etc.   I need to remember that it was her choice, and I need to step back.   

I'm also trying not to "worry in advance" about what will happen if she's in crisis... .she was hospitalized twice in August for being suicidal.   I'm still working on that part... .

Hoping for better days... .

[MomMae]

Hi 1hope,
Just wondering how things are going... .? Please give us an update when you feel up to it. MM 

Went to post this and saw that you had been posting an update at the same time... . 

Things have improved since you last posted... .Your daughter reminds me very much of my own wanting to prove she is capable and independent.  You are wise to try not to worry in advance about the next crisis... .you are communicating with your daughter, that is what really counts.  I am sure you have told her that you are there if she needs you and she knows that.  My goodness, she not only reached out, she has invited you over - that is HUGE!  She loves you.

I am happy for you that things have improved.  You must feel so relieved.    MM

[1hope]

MomMae,
It's so nice to be able to share things with people who understand what you're going through!  My husband put it best after reading your posts.   He said, "It's like she's going through the same things with her daughter as we are, but she's further along the road!"  Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and for your support! 
Taking things one day at a time!
1hope