Stay and fight or leave and give in

[Dary]

Hi all... .

Just recently joined this forum after some extensive reading and learning here... .

I'll try to keep my story short and I know there's a lot familiarity going on here, so details won't be all too necessary.

In a relationship for 6 years now... .
My wife is undiagnosed but is on welfare because she went through depression and couldn't function normally due to family issues.

Right from the start it was "game on"... .
First date we had sex and she moved in right away! I was literally 2 days in my new apartment that night.
Never regretted any of this... .We had a absolute lovely honeymoon phase for sure!
Got pregnant within 3 months and had a lovely baby-boy.
Now 3 beautiful and healthy kids! (2 boys and 1 girl)

We've been through all the stages of idolizing an devaluing.
Moved end of 2015 and got married in 2016 and since then it all went haywire.

Devaluing got more and more intense... .
Even to the point of several physical abuse during rage.
During devaluing she's being joined and supported by her younger sister and this fuels the fire of hatred.

So then last year I got a text from high-school sweetheart saying she's in divorce after 14 years and wants to talk.
Talking led to sex as her intentions were "validation" and unfinished business.
In total met her 3 times and texted for a period of on/off for 8 months before my wife found out.

Then I got to see the real rage... .
And the real "love" as well... .
We tried (at least I thought) to work things out, but she managed to arrange all her stuff to move out during that period.
So she eventually moved out, after alienating me from friends and family.
And a grueling period of phone-checking and me making selfies every hour... .

She demanded a family meeting where I had to confess everything I had ever done wrong to the family to expose me.
But my family saw a different story because they've been on the sides for 6 years and already saw stuff that I refused to acknowledge.

So my wife moved out with our 3 kids... .
The kids are with me every weekend and we're having some quality time then and I can really enjoy fatherhood for sure!

Then my wife sees improvement in me and in the kids and starts to come over more and more often.
I know she must have had revenge because "an eye for an eye" is something she needs as validation.

Turns out she's on dating-sites and already replaced me with the brother of her friend (6 years younger) and having unsafe sex and std.
She "confessed" this out of revenge also stating that he was bigger and did her for hours throughout the whole house and with non-stop gazing in her eyes... .
But only "confessed" this after having lots of sex with me; and dumb me was thinking it was reconciliation.

Not sure how to feel about this... .If it's about settling the score then I hope this is the end of it... .
I've got nothing to be unsure of in that department so I was not too offended.
The hurting bit was the time it took to replace me... .

Okay I was utterly wrong in having extra-marital sex... .
I also know where that sprung from; lack of boundaries and savior syndrome from my part and honestly I felt really valued and wanted for a while.

Now I'm trying hard to show her that I've improved and don't want to inflict any (more) pain to her or us... .
And that all to reconcile and have our family back.

She's constantly rubbing in my face that she's still in contact with the dude and keeps push/pulling me.
So when she's pushing she's mentioning lawyer and divorce... .
But when she's pulling she's mentioning how she misses me and that it's such a waste our family is apart.

I'm having a hard time dealing with her ideology of "facts"... .
If she thinks something must be a certain way or have a certain reason it becomes a fact instantly.
She always blames me for not giving my all and being dishonest to the family and her.

I love her dearly but I'm worn down and at the point of:
trying to win her back which will result in being dropped by family and friends that are still around... .
giving up and try to pick up the pieces of myself and start over as a co-parent... .

Sorry for the long story (and believe me it is a short version!)

Will things improve if there ever will be reconciliation? Invest in her... .
Will things improve if I go solo? Invest in me... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Dary,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. I can imagine how hurtful it is to be left for someone else.

How long ago did she leave? Does she usually contact you first or do you contact her? How are you kids handling the breakup?

[Dary]

She left in June this year... .
Had revenge sex and threw that in my face... .
Now she might reconcile but still keeps the guy on the back burner... .
Not closing anything and when she gets mad at me threatens to go to him for you know what... .
To me it's all or nothing and this feels like abuse... .If not for 3 kids I was outta here!
Kids are handling it ok and I've got them every weekend from Friday till Monday so mommy can "rest"... .

I'm torn man... .Thanks for the reply

[Tattered Heart]

That's tough. This might be a good time to begin looking at your boundaries and values. Deciding what is important to you during htis time apart might help you make decisions about how to handle the break up better and what to do if she comes back.

Here's a link to one of our workshops on Boundaries . Can you read through this then come back here to share your thoughts on it?