Help at last

[Lollypops]

My 37 year old son has finally been handed information on BPD to read from a counsellor. He knows that he has many of the symptoms, has had for many years. At this moment he is battling with denial and the absolute realisation that if He does have this awful illness, he has hurt a lot of people in his life including his children. He presently feels that the not knowing was easier to handle, that his outburts of anger and criticism ware due to real feelings that people have betrayed or hurt him.

I have struggled with my sons behaviour over the years and at one point when he was around 13 sent him to live with my ex husband as I was very frightened of him, his threats and the things he was doing to his younger brother and other family members.

I tried unsuccesfully to get him help back then as he was distraught and angry when his father left the family. He refused help and blamed me for his father's dissapearance. This was the catalyst for many years of us having quite a strained relationship. I love him very much and always stayed in in his life no matter what he has said to me and how many times he has rejected me.

He had quite a few bad episodes recently from taking cocaine.  His partner of 16 years has turned to drink the last few years as a way of coping with her own pain of living wirh his irrational behaviour and anger towards her. His eldest son of 12s suffers  with anxiety, he had seen and heard a lot!

My son has alienated quite a lot of people over the years. His immediate family members have remained around him and love him despite being concerned for him and subjected to his frequent anger.

For my part, I am on the one hand relieved that I have found out that he has not been able to control himself due to this illness and on the other hand desperately sad for him that he has to face this in order to learn how to live with it.  He is incredibly successful in business, very intuitative and he fears that this 'label' should it come out will hinder him in this area.

I want to ask advice please. Should I encourage him to tell his siblings, some of them work for him. Should he tell his partner ( he fears she may use it against him) How can I best support him?

Thank you in advance for your advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Lollypops

I just ran into this book on another forum, one where BPD sufferers sometimes go, and it was recommended as a good starting point:

Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13436423-borderline-personality-disorder

I haven't read it myself yet - would love to know if its helpful, and how it goes with your son.  This sounds like a critical period that needs focus, and how much love you have had for him to support him over all these years!    

One quick note - even though the illness is associated with strong emotions including rage, it doesn't mean those emotions are fake or have no reason at all.  They are dysregulated, not under control, last longer and are stronger than normal, but it doesn't mean they aren't real.  Myself, I think the lack of control somehow is related to a lack of trust, but that is just my thought.