Sick of the eggshells...not my style of dancing

[AngelBuds]

Hi all.  So, this is all about 1 person, my Husband, not a couple of guys, as my writing will seem like at times.  Just one other person, always.  So, although I am making great strides in my journey to recovery from this year with a husband uBPD, he has done nothing.  He is not raging right now, nor do I know when that will happen again, other than IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.  That is one lesson he has stomped into my face this year.  I wake anxious now, when he comes in and out of home, I wonder what will fly out his mouth or what he will physically do.  I thought I was relaxing because I was getting therapy and feeling like I am gaining some ground, but when I checked in on me this morning "Hi me, how are you?" I feel like I am SICK of this walking on eggshells. 

I am the worst person in the world to ever hide my feelings, or hold back anything, or bite my tongue.  But with this new BPD guy, I have to.  If I express anything, he explodes all over me.  His rages last for hours.
 Never apoligizes.  The only time he does not explode is when I am nurtural and not engaging.  So, a poker face woman I am not, BUT this is exactly what it is.  Altho he gets frustrated that I am not my loving, encouraging and nurturing self these days because of his abuse, he has not attacked me while in my poker face.  Yet... .

It actually HURTS me so much to distance myself from my love, BUT he is not HIMSELF anymore.  This calm guy hanging around this past week was how he used to act; but now this is the guy that comes out after he mentally breaks or beats me down.  When he is done abusing me, he goes silent, then acts completely his normal self.  Its heart breaking seeing him HULK out then return to human.  And, I am his target.

I am also tired of doing all things on my own: studying and researching everything, mental disorders, raising a family, being pregnant alone plus dealing with all this, teaching me everything relating to pregnant plus baby, and still running a homestead (that includes every facet of life off the grid)---everything is up to me, except for cage building and hard physical labor which none of that is happening here nowadays (I used to be disabled, I couldnt even walk.  But nowadays, I can do all that, too).  He makes meals sometimes, he can be helpful around our homestead, and I am really digging deep what this new Husband brings to us.  I know exactly what the old him brought to our lives.  This new guy is a negative, he takes away, lifesucker.  He is EXACTLY what I never ever wanted in my life, not even for a minute.

Although really trying to deal with this BPD guy, and heal my wounds, grow and live better, he remains unapoligetic.  He doesnt even admit he has even raised his voice at me.  He wont even admit to what clearly has happened for 11 months now!  The hours of me in car, holding onto the door for my life as he rants and rages for no reason, and drives insane, refusing to stop.  Ya, all forgotten to him.  He absolutely believes it is all me, everyone talks ___ about me because I am horrible (his words, not reality), he is so far removed from anything close to reality, how can I have a relationship with this?  How can I have a relationship with this new liar?  He takes NO responsibility for ANYTHING ever in his life OR for his abuses for past 11 months.

I think I am going to begin reading my book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It is hurting WAY too much holding my love back, doing everything on my own while dragging a dead log along with me who used to be my world.  I LOVE being alone and doing everything alone---when I was single.  I am married, so this is torture.  To have another, to love and enjoy... .instead, another half that tries to kill you with abuses, is hurting too much.  I guess the alone part isnt what is bothering me, I think the carrying a dead log around with me is what is really killing me slowly. 

I did something to prevent me from doing what I always do: forgive.  Each time I forgive (he never asks, I just give) his BPD comes out eventually.  Nothing is learned, nothing is gained, except I am licking wounds again.  So, since Apr, I have documented most of this behavior.  So, when I feel like I want to pretend my Husband is home, and be loving and giving, I read my diarys and am reminded EXACTLY why we are where we are today.  Friggin breaks my beating heart... .breaks my heart I know me too well and I consciously did that to protect me.  I am not sacrificing myself to that monster again.  So, even when I want to sacrifice myself again just so I feel love again, I cannot not. 

I truly know the meaning of "This hurts me more than it hurts you."  I used to believe that was a joke, when I was a child, now I KNOW exactly how that feels.  Feels so wrong, to hurt so hard, just protecting myself.  It would be humane on my heart and soul if he would return to himself indefinately or leave for good so I can begin my healing a broken heart process.  Instead, I am sitting here with a broken heart trying to heal just enough to make it another day.  Can't heal all the way, cus he apparently loves ripping my bandages off and (verbally) attacking my wounds.  I promised myself to always keep an open heart despite abusive, poisonous, or lifesucking people; but that was before when I could cut the lifesuckers out of my life, I cannot cut him out (yet, we'll see) because he is apart of me. 

[Cat Familiar]

I truly understand the pain, the loss, the abandonment of the dream of the beautiful relationship that I once believed I had. It's profoundly sad and the desire to believe it can return is so strong. But after so many times of hope being dashed by reality, it starts to be a bit easier to give up on the dream and adjust to reality.

What was so hard for me was to give up the anger and resentment, in addition to the dream. You sound a lot more forgiving and understanding than I was, so your struggle may be just letting go of the sorrow, rather than the anger, like I had to.

Once you are able to come to grips with the idea that the dream guy you fell in love with is also the unpleasant guy too, you will have freed yourself up to react in a different way, in a way that his acting out doesn't hurt you as much, and hopefully at some point, doesn't hurt you at all.

It's certainly not what I thought a relationship SHOULD BE, but it's what I'm dealing with, whether I like it or not. I was really resentful about having to change my behavior to accommodate his crazy, but I'm also a pragmatic person. When I saw that it worked, then I was far more willing to try something new.

It's not easy, but to be able to turn down the temperature in your relationship is well worth it, particularly since you will soon have a new baby to care for. In the meantime, I think it's great that you're finding out more about how to deal with a partner with BPD. Knowledge is power.    

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Angelbuds-
I am so so sorry to read of your pain and sadness.  I feel it in my soul.  And in honesty, I know you want to be celebrating your return to full health and strength and focusing on the caring for your body and protecting your unborn child. In a "sane" world and marriage, your husband would be holding your hand and caring for your heart daily in celebration with you. 

But here you are, with us, filled with sadness, carrying the burden of your homestead, your baby, your broken heart, questioning your future.  You are NOT alone, dear Angelbuds.  Not alone.

I found your post from a few days back where you explain that you had been severely ill for about a decade; and unable to walk up until about 11 months ago.  From your timeline, I gather that you met your H while you were ill.  If I'm understanding this correctly, your H WAS, for the first 5 years of your relationship, loving and good.  Is that correct?  And by that, is it correct to assume that he cared for your needs, was supportive of you and stood by you during your illness?  In other words... .your H felt "needed" and loved by you.  He likely did not feel that you would EVER abandon him.  I'm sure that you expressed deep gratitude to him on an ongoing basis, constant validation of all of his efforts.  That is something that is SO important for a person with BPD.  Only you didn't have a clue at the time because he had exhibited no traits.  Your reliance, love for him, validation OF him, all likely calmed any and all doubts and insecurities of his BPD.

THEN... .thank GOD... .you healed.  This was because YOU decided to heal!  YOU decided that western medicine was NOT working.  So you took that bull by the horns and steered yourself back to full health.  YOU did that!  And likely your H was onboard with the alternative health treatments that brought you back to you.  Your illness disappeared  And his illness appeared, because you became self-sufficient.  This is an over-simplification, but when you healed, his fears of abandonment and insecurity surged  to the surface.  He became scared to death that you would leave him because he believed you would see the "real" him... .not good enough, not this enough, not that enough, Yada yada yada.  You no longer gave constant validation because now you could do most things for yourself.  Your needs changed and lessened.  His needs remained as high and HUGE as they ever were... ,you just didn't know that.  And how COULD you have known that?  And his way of dealing with what changed was to become abusive, to BLAME EVERYTHING on you, to project anything and everything, all his pain and fear onto you.  It's a heavy, horrible and unfair price to pay for regaining your health.  A price you should NOT be paying... .it can steal your soul in ways you never thought possible; although since you've lived through abuse earlier in life, you DO know this.  These are lessons you've already learned.  Lessons you swore you would not live again.  I understand that.

So this is where the lessons on this site come in... .you can try.  But might I suggest.  With a loving heart, I ask you to "drop" the word "divorce" from your head.  This is from your other post.  You're putting too much pressure on yourself.  A whole lot can happen, good and not so good, between now and later.  No decisions need to be made about the "finality" of your marriage now.  Getting back to the lessons on this site.  I am pretty certain through this tidal wave of confusion that you may have tried some of these... .but perhaps there are ways to assure your H (through validation techniques) that the BEST reasons for your health recovery were to continue in a healthy and loving marriage with him.  To be able to do things with him that you were unable to do before.  That was your GOAL.  It's maybe a first step?  See how that works?  But he MUST do his own work... .sometimes when we engage our partners during their loving times, we CAN get a response from them.  And sometimes not.  People in this community are wonderful in terms of helping with pointed suggestions.

Please Angelbuds.  Look at what you've been able to recover from and do for yourself.  Please Look at yourself.  I hope I am understanding your history correctly.  (We had a hurricane and I have pneumonia, so I'm not in my best form.). You are so so strong and deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life.  We have one life.  And it's short. 

All my best to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Angelbuds, the book "Walking On Eggshells" is an eye-opener.

Learning all about BPD as you can will give you peace of mind--you are not going crazy.

Being with a pwBPD makes you doubt your own sanity. 

Doing something cruel to a partner and then forgetting or rationalising is so very BPD/NPD.  I have seen this countless times in my marriage to uBPD/uNPD H.  You know they don't have a grasp of reality.  Moreover, due to splitting ("toddler mind", they can't recall what they did or said in their splitting state.

I am glad you are protecting yourself.  When you are pregnant, you don't want stressors to complicate matters. 

[AngelBuds]

Wow, I cannot say Thank you all enough.  Each of your replies were very thoughtful and calming to me.  Cat Familiar, Gemsforeyes and AnskingWhy    Gives me a lot to soak up. 

My time line with Husband actually began during an 8 month period where I was not ill.  I had left a decade relationship that was literally making me ill.  So, he met me healthy and 2 months into being together I had a seizure, 1st in my life, and from there, I became a yo-yo of OK to critical for the next 5 years.  OK was a day I could walk from door to the car.  He was AMAzing!  No lies.  Yes, we were normal in we had ups and downs, and we had more obstacles than the avg. pair.  But he was my caretaker-I never asked-I was shocked he stuck around. 

I am unsure how, but he says I saved him.  He explained many a times I have taught him love, emotions he never felt, and well, good and bad I guess it's a mess in there... .he always said I make him smile, when I said he made me smile.  Seems we both said we saved each other and wow, the stars were in our favor, I felt.  And then,  symptoms of BPD began... .

Oh, before I forget: celebrations make him rage for past 11 months now.  Literally, every smile is ripped open and poopooed on for no reason... .sigh.

Sept 25, 2015 is when I woke yellow and could not breathe.  I had been critical for some time at this point.  In ER they discovered I had Ascites, Jaundice and Cirrhosis of the liver (from their Norco) MELD 17 needing a transplant.  That was just the tip of all my health issues.  At this point, I had been DXed with: Colitis, Gastitis, Epilepsy, PTSD, Anxiety/panic disorder, general anxiety, anemia, PLUS red and white blood cells were dropping so low I was fading, my platletes had dropped too low and at the age of 35 Drs discussed things like final matters.  I refused a transplant.  I had my Father and Husband sign my Do Not Recessitate order.  Liver failing, checking out, weight and muscle dropping, I was on my way out and looked like a skeleton.  But, it doesnt matter how you fall down, only how you get up!  Got up I did.

I feel like I am in a dream sometimes, pretty sure I did pass on back there--this must be a dream.  A nightmare, in a dream state... .all I know is I went natural and I lived.  Better health than I had in my early 20s at my best health. 

So, in few days here, I am celebrating my '2 years since' departure from Western Medicine and adventure into other healing modalities (natural).  And Oct 2016 (One year after death sentence) the Drs cleared me stating my liver was a normal MELD 8 and no more Cirrhosis.  All my ailments I had suffered for a decade, gone.  And 11 months ago, I declared I can walk and function again, I was healing, and healed so much.

So, I have a ton to celebrate which I am very happy to appreciate but also terrified of the new Husband... .and, Oct 31st is our wedding anniversary :*(  Anything happy now, he destroys.  I used to cry for happiness, now I cry fearing if these celebrations will be as the previous ones this year... .

He's been his old self lately, for a week, which means nothing (he has shown me), so if I go by what I have seen this year... .oh wow, I have hell coming real soon again.  He loves to be very kind to me when not raging which is very deceiving, and I dunno why OUR celebrations make him rage. 

And my baby started forming his/her vocal cords today   YAY!  Its safe to celebrate here 

[AngelBuds]

I got 2 books last week and will start now: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I am not Sick. I do not need help."  I got them for free from archive.org.  I love FREE!  I started the eggshells book but I soon fell asleep since I had a long day of eggshells before going to my NAMI meetng, then came home to read and ZzZzZzZ instead