Sounds like my morming... .I get a text i'm not coming over tonight have fun... .I said what did I do? I don't understand he says whatever don't make me suspicious... .I said what did I do to make you so mad? he says I'm not mad... .I said i'm really not understanding I would never do anything intentionally to make you suspicious tell me what it was so I don't do it again... .he says if I give you a chance i'll be looking for my pants (no clue what that means) I send him a pic of my monitor at work... .he said you didn't text me... .I said you were being short with me last night and my tummy was giving me problems so I took a Zofran and went to sleep I woke up at 715 and didn't text you because you sounded angry that you couldn't sleep when you texted me at 1 am so I didn't want to chance waking you up... //he said ok babe it's ok... ./.you didn't do anything wrong i'm being a baby i'm sorry I love you


I can't help but think What the heck... .he says it's no big deal when he falls asleep and doesn't text me... .I guess the tables turned and he didn't like it... .

They really don't like when the tables are turned.  I actually stood up for myself.  I was aware that bills were due and I have been busy today, but I kept remembering that I needed to pay.  Well since it wasn't done by noon, he bugged out and screamed.  So I paid the bills to get it over with.  Said I don't appreciate being accused of lying when I was aware they were due today, that how he wants me to take care of the bills but doesn't believe me when I say I'm going to pay them, that if he wants me responsible for the bills he needs to relax and know they are going to get done, that yelling and screaming doesn't help.  He said that if I didn't always f*** up, he wouldn't worry.  So I said yes I know, I can't change before, but I can change how I deal with the bills now and I haven't had any problems, and just asked him to have a little confidence in me that I will do right and he'll be surprised by showing me that, I can handle anything.

Thought I was up and that one.  BBZZ... wrong!  Now I'm all high and mighty, how I lied and wasn't going to pay them, and it was only after he made a big deal about it then I paid and I could have done it this morning (had a really bad morning, was up with a cranky baby), told him that so he said I was using the baby as an excuse and I replied, that's why I didn't say anything because you would say it was an excuse... he replied, and you can't keep doing that.  I haven't been well and I didn't make time to do it.  Oh and how next time I f** up the bills, he's going to remember everything I said (basically so he can throw it in my face), and when I said what he did was completely unnecessary, he said yes it was. 

It's like, as soon as I show self confidence in what I'm doing and don't just curl up in a ball when he yells, I'm high and mighty and pompous blah blah.  UUggh!

My BPDbf always has this go to of "i'm so sick of this and sick of you" we can go weeks without a fight and have nothing but good times but as soon as that moment arises that he doesn't want to talk about something I am the worst human to ever live... .I'm usually very good at predicting when he is about to snap but the last few days he's really caught me off guard... .

Know the feeling.  I feel that when he gets the idea that he's becoming too predictable, he wants to change it up.  Last few days, he'll yell at me for some stupid crap in the morning and then talk to me later like a normal person, discussing bills, how much is in the bank, what is coming up that we need to take care of.  I mean, accusing me of making the car illegal and trying to get him thrown in jail because insurance wasn't paid by noon.  If I tell him that we have a 7 day window to pay it, that has no bearing and just throws into a tangent on how I'm always putting stuff off.

I get frustrated because I know I'm not practicing the validation the repeat and rinse, detaching, or not responding emotionally.  It gets so tiresome to have to keep remembering to do all of it.  I know it's a pipe dream, just wish sometimes I could act normal around him.  I would like to send him goofy texts messages and laugh more.  It's only another thing that I need to work on.  Been awhile since I had a good laugh with him.

Not that I don't stand up for myself- I do. What is different is that the verbal barbs don't work any more. They still fly, but I don't get upset.

Today I asked him to help with something as we are having company. He took victim stance- as if my asking him to do something was a blame or criticism. I can't change this, but I don't like it. I told him basically it is we inviting our guests together as a couple and getting ready together or just me and my guests- you decide.

Well next came the verbal barbs and I said - what good is this doing for us and we can do this back and forth all afternoon and not resolve anything. He then said " you don't care about me" when I didn't react with being hurt.  Yes, I care about him, but I don't take what he says to me when he is angry personally. I then went to run an errand. He was nice when I came home. This kind of thing would have gone on all evening, with the ST and me crying and feeling hurt before I decided that what he accuses me of isn't something to take personally. If I have truly done something hurtful, I can apologize.

Someone has to not lose their cool in this. The pwBPD may not be able to, but if we can, we can be "ourselves" show dislike, or like or joke or anything else if we don't react emotionally to the content of the verbal barbs.

I don't do much with astrology, but I do think we have our own tendencies and natures. I don't think that is the part of us that we need to change. In fact- our goal is to be more authentic- who we are, not hide parts of ourselves ( which is walking on eggshells).

So what do we work on? Any dysfunctional relationship behaviors, emotional maturity, our triggers and emotional reactivity. The tools on this board are not about changing our nature, but learning communication skills that not only help in a relationship with someone with BPD but with all relationships.

Sometimes if we grow up a certain way, we accept those behaviors as normal. Then in other relationships they don't work.

I read lots of books on marriage trying to figure my own marriage out. I read a book called "Passionate Marriage" and two statements stood out to me. For emotional maturity/not being enmeshed they used the term ":)ifferentiated". Although the topic of the book and content are as it sounds- steamy - it is really about relationship skills in intimate relationships.

1) We match partners who are at the same level of differentiation as we are.
2) Each of the partners believes that he/she is more differentiated than the other.

These statements started me thinking how do my H and I match?

This tendency to match isn't a conscious thing- it is at an emotional level. You felt this match or connection with your H. It is part of the chemistry between two people. So you have this chemistry- and you also have dysfunction. You may not be able to completely change all the patterns, but if you work on some of your relationship skills you can reduce your addition to the drama and conflict.

Boundaries play a part in relationships, but one can have too weak or too strong boundaries or both at the same time. Someone doesn't have to be clingy to need improvement with boundaries. One clue to your situation is that you had just come out of a bad relationship- if we get into a new one quickly - without having time to process- then we can find ourselves in another dysfunctional one.

Looking at how you got here isn't to place blame, or to say you did something wrong. We love who we love, but when faced with dysfunction- if we can see our part in this, it is then a way we can possibly work on ourselves to grow emotionally.

Talking. That is something I had to work on. I am a talker and my H is not.  It drives him crazy. My aim was not to change who I was, but to consider how to communicate more effectively with him, and that meant learning to be concise.

You don't have to make changes all at once. It takes time and work. Personal counseling can help too if you are considering that. But changes that reduce your side of things can help reduce conflict.

I can definitely relate.  It's ironic too, my husband has also studied law and is a paralegal.  He got into it because he wanted to make a difference.  Little disheartening he isn't currently in the law field.  That's how he is though.  Straight forward, yes or no, to the point, did or didn't, one way or the other.  I also try to get him to see other perspectives at times which has proven to just make him upset mostly and think I'm trying to devalue his ideas.  It REALLY makes him mad when I deviate even the slightest for his plan or instruction.  It may not even big that big of a deal honestly or may make things easier/cheaper... however, it's either I did do or I didn't do what he said.  No, in between or "oh I see how that may work better".  Nope, if I try that, he accuses me of thinking his plans aren't any good.

The whole unemotional and analytical is right up my alley as well.  There are times where I feel I can almost turn off my emotions. I know that's not accurate, they are always there.  I just have to ability to get straight to business when I need to.  Even dealing with him.  He gets upset when he doesn't get a reaction out of me when he expects it.  Almost as if I adds fuel to his tangent, trying to receive some sort emotional response.  I usually have to be pushed pretty hard to express any kind of negative emotional response, which he seems to be pretty good at.  I find that's a thing I'm struggling with.  I'm pretty laid back , easy going person, but you keep messing with me, there's only so much I will put up with. 

There are times where my oldest is throwing a fit, stomping around, saying he's angry, what I said/did makes him mad, and I'll just sit there and watch him.  Thinking of what response I'm going to give.  I know being able to express, understand, and process emotions is important at his age.  I'm not going to get mad at him for expressing an emotion.  Anger, even though negative, is something that he needs to learn how to process in a healthy way.  My husband didn't have any guidance with this process growing up.  I tell him that it is okay to be mad, angry, or sad.  What is not okay is dealing with it in a bad way.  I tell him he doesn't need to yell, hurt himself or anyone else, throw/break things, don't say mean things, and other ways.  To get angry because he's angry or tell him not to get upset, don't seem to be very good way to teach him how to cope.

I will try to be more authentic and not change who I am, but work more on my communication.  I guess I need to remember there is a difference is changing who I am and changing how I communicate and respond in my relationship.  It does sometimes feel like he's asking me to stop doing certain things about me that I can't seem to completely stop doing.  I try, but slip.  I over explain sometimes when I know I don't need too, I like to talk about sometimes nonsense things, I observe things from different perspectives and always looking for a more efficient way to do things.  It helps me in certain areas of my life, but not when it comes to my relationship.  I will try better to filter what works with communicating with him and what works better in the other aspects of my life.