I don't even know what to say or do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yesterday threw me for a whole new loop... .Saturday night we spent joking and laughing and fight free no tension or anything... .sunday we woke up the same way we were getting dressed for breakfast and he had said something about me texting him a lot and I made a joke and said I wouldn't have to text so much if I saw you more often silly... .he said there you go pushing again I said I was making a joke he said your joke isn't funny I asked could he please help me understand how that came across as pushy? he said no I shouldn't have too explain it then walked out of the room and said why don't you just stay home ill go get food so I sat down on my bed and a couple minutes later he came back in and said come on babe lets go... .I just looked at him confused... .and it went down hill from there... .

There was so much said i'm trying to remember the order of it and all of it in general... .Basically he told me he knows i'm playing a game with him and i'm just trying to mold him to fit into my life and my world and i'm a liar and i'm full of s*it and i'm not perfect then demanded for me to list my flaws so I did and he said see you act like you have it all figured out... .I was just listening and not saying much... .partly because I didn't want it to escalate and partly because I was just in shock... .even when he paints me black he rarely goes into that much detail and that far with it... .He said my intentions behind the things I tell him and the advice I give him aren't good ones

Fast forward a little bit we get back to the house and he tells me that i'm the only person in his life that thinks something is wrong with him and he's not going to change he's only been telling me what I want to hear to make me happy and didn't mean any of it... .he's not a nice person and he's going to stay that way and if I don't like it then I can exit his life... and no one has ever brought up BPD to him before me and he isn't going to accept it any longer that he has it because I tell him he does (which is wrong a therapist did also) I said something I shouldn't have and said "no one brings anything up to you or disagrees with you because they don't want to deal with you and your mouth and attitude so they agree to shut you up i'm the only person that cares enough to point things out to you and try to get you out of your depressions and when I bring up something simple such as wanting to spend more time with you, which you had promised me a couple weeks ago, and ways to make it happen I don't deserve to be yelled at or told i'm being pushy" he didn't have anything to say that and left with telling me I love you and I have a lot to think about (which means he won't think about anything) and said he doesn't want to give an answer he doesn't have right now

about a hour after he leaves my house he tells me that he's going to the ER because he's spitting up blood I asked if he wanted me to meet him there of course he said no... .he continues texting me and keeping me updated this was around 3 pm and he was there until 9 PM tells me it's a ruptured esophagus and they have to stitch it or possibly cauterize it (at this point I already don't believe him because my best friend is a nurse and spitting up blood isn't a symptom of a ruptured esophagus) I said oh wow well you can't eat or drink anytjing at all for weeks until it's healed when are they putting in a feeding tube... .he said my case isn't that serious I said that's with all cases because the food and drink could get into your chest cavity until the rupture or tear are healed... .so he goes on and on about it well my phone rings at 7 and it's my friend that has no idea my BPDbf is in the hospital and says " I saw your BPDbf at wal mart around 5" I said did you? she said yeah but I don't think he saw me I said "weird he was supposedly going into a CT machine at 5" then I told her the story and she said nope he was def walking around wal mart... .so that just confirmed that my thoughts about how he was lying to me

I don't understand why he would do this? I don't know how to approach it without sending him into a full on rage? Saying he hasn't been himself (even his mean raging self) the last week would be and under statement... .What do I do? This is really hurting my heart and I don't get it.

[lostandconfused6]

Yesterday threw me for a whole new loop... .Saturday night we spent joking and laughing and fight free no tension or anything... .sunday we woke up the same way we were getting dressed for breakfast and he had said something about me texting him a lot and I made a joke and said I wouldn't have to text so much if I saw you more often silly... .he said there you go pushing again I said I was making a joke he said your joke isn't funny I asked could he please help me understand how that came across as pushy? he said no I shouldn't have too explain it then walked out of the room and said why don't you just stay home ill go get food so I sat down on my bed and a couple minutes later he came back in and said come on babe lets go... .I just looked at him confused... .and it went down hill from there... .

There was so much said i'm trying to remember the order of it and all of it in general... .Basically he told me he knows i'm playing a game with him and i'm just trying to mold him to fit into my life and my world and i'm a liar and i'm full of s*it and i'm not perfect then demanded for me to list my flaws so I did and he said see you act like you have it all figured out... .I was just listening and not saying much... .partly because I didn't want it to escalate and partly because I was just in shock... .even when he paints me black he rarely goes into that much detail and that far with it... .He said my intentions behind the things I tell him and the advice I give him aren't good ones

Fast forward a little bit we get back to the house and he tells me that i'm the only person in his life that thinks something is wrong with him and he's not going to change he's only been telling me what I want to hear to make me happy and didn't mean any of it... .he's not a nice person and he's going to stay that way and if I don't like it then I can exit his life... and no one has ever brought up BPD to him before me and he isn't going to accept it any longer that he has it because I tell him he does (which is wrong a therapist did also) I said something I shouldn't have and said "no one brings anything up to you or disagrees with you because they don't want to deal with you and your mouth and attitude so they agree to shut you up i'm the only person that cares enough to point things out to you and try to get you out of your depressions and when I bring up something simple such as wanting to spend more time with you, which you had promised me a couple weeks ago, and ways to make it happen I don't deserve to be yelled at or told i'm being pushy" he didn't have anything to say that and left with telling me I love you and I have a lot to think about (which means he won't think about anything) and said he doesn't want to give an answer he doesn't have right now

about a hour after he leaves my house he tells me that he's going to the ER because he's spitting up blood I asked if he wanted me to meet him there of course he said no... .he continues texting me and keeping me updated this was around 3 pm and he was there until 9 PM tells me it's a ruptured esophagus and they have to stitch it or possibly cauterize it (at this point I already don't believe him because my best friend is a nurse and spitting up blood isn't a symptom of a ruptured esophagus) I said oh wow well you can't eat or drink anytjing at all for weeks until it's healed when are they putting in a feeding tube... .he said my case isn't that serious I said that's with all cases because the food and drink could get into your chest cavity until the rupture or tear are healed... .so he goes on and on about it well my phone rings at 7 and it's my friend that has no idea my BPDbf is in the hospital and says " I saw your BPDbf at wal mart around 5" I said did you? she said yeah but I don't think he saw me I said "weird he was supposedly going into a CT machine at 5" then I told her the story and she said nope he was def walking around wal mart... .so that just confirmed that my thoughts about how he was lying to me

I don't understand why he would do this? I don't know how to approach it without sending him into a full on rage? Saying he hasn't been himself (even his mean raging self) the last week would be and under statement... .What do I do? This is really hurting my heart and I don't get it.

[SkySanta]

Push / Pull and denial in full swing here.

The Push is what you experienced about the conversation where they stated you're texting too much.  This is classic engulfment fears in action.  You pushed harder, and pointed out that he was pulling away, and set a boundary.  Then he left, and the abandonment fear kicked in, which resulted in the call that they're in physical danger, and at the hospital.

Maybe try validating the engulfment fears instead?

[lostandconfused6]

Push / Pull and denial in full swing here.

The Push is what you experienced about the conversation where they stated you're texting too much.  This is classic engulfment fears in action.  You pushed harder, and pointed out that he was pulling away, and set a boundary.  Then he left, and the abandonment fear kicked in, which resulted in the call that they're in physical danger, and at the hospital.

Maybe try validating the engulfment fears instead?

He didn't say I was texting to much the exact words were "this little app I have for daily quizzes gives me the same alert as your texts do and when you're texting me a lot and that app goes off It gets confusing" and he said it in a light hearted way so I tried to make a joke... .I didn't do right i'm sure but I thought since we had that light hearted convo and joking going on that it wouldn't be a big deal... .well I was wrong again  but in retrospect I think you may be right about the engulfment and I shouldn't have fed into it

Is it common for a BPD to do things like that about being physically ill?

The only logical thing my mom and I and 2 of my friends, that I trust to give me honest advice and not just tell me to leave him, can come up with is that he was somewhat trying deflect from what happened earlier in hopes I wouldn't bring it up again since hes " sick"

[Lucky Jim]

Hey l&c, only you will know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  In the meantime, I suspect it's going to be a rough ride.  Validation can be helpful, as SkySanta suggests.  Another tool is boundaries, which you can read about under the Tools Button (above).

LuckyJim

[lostandconfused6]

i'm def. prepared for the rollercoaster ride and I don't want to give up... .I just don't understand why he would lie about something like that? I guess being a non I will never think like he does

[lostandconfused6]

I guess a better question to ask is how do I bring up that I know he lied?

[Lucky Jim]

My suggestion is that you communicate it directly to him in a way that feels honest to you, and then let the chips fall in terms of his reaction, which is beyond your control anyway.  I don't see any point in sugarcoating it.  He'll probably get angry at you even though he's the one who lied, which is the sort of backwards reaction that those w/BPD use in order to protect themselves.

LuckyJim